Christmas letter via blog :)

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year form the Hejls!!

Well, 2011 is nearing an end and I began to wonder if I would get this letter done or not!! I feel like I can’t let this season go by without some “reflecting”. Not all the crazy events of the Hejls in 2011 but a reflection on how thankful I am for how God has blessed me with each part of my family. My caring, ambitious, leader Mya. Her stories and questions can both stump me and crack me up. She wants to know what’s going on, when, why and who was there. She is so attentive to peoples feelings and has a helpers heart. I love that she would rather be out in the garage helping her daddy than playing with toys any day. This deep pure giggle she has when she makes me tickle her but gives in before I even touch her could never be replaced. Her mind is so amazing I never know what comment will come out next, the thing I treasure most is her adoption comments. “Mommy, you know what I’m most thankful for?” what mya? “You and daddy. Because you adopted me!” One day I saw she was looking through some papers and I said “honey, don’t loose those those are special papers I want to save for you” so she said “I know mom I was just forgetting my adoption story so I was looking through this stuff to remember it.” She makes me proud everyday, watching her put her all into anything she does. God is going to use this child in an amazing way and we are proud to be her parents.

I don’t know if any one child can be so cute yet so mischievous as our little 19 month old Payton. His hugs could melt the world the way he snuggles in and makes you feel like the most important person. He can make the whole room stop and laugh when he dances, and he dances on demand! He can make me look like a fool for 5 min. making faces trying to break his stare down and when he thinks its time he flashes those cute little teeth and laughs at me not because I'm funny but because he just played me. I love watching him interact with others but mostly I love how he loves to love his family.

My amazing, hardworking, loving husband Josh. Oh how he does amaze me. It has been a crazy one this year and yet he continues to lead and care for this family. He has built me a salon in the garage, he has kept his business on the go, and he has spent more time on the floor tickling(or should I say tackling) his kids than ever. I love to watch this big strong man melt for his kids. God continually shows me His love for me through Josh.

And my heavenly Father. I still don’t comprehend in some moments how He has blessed me so much, loved me so much. That on my worst days in my worst times He still pours his love on me. “ He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” Romans 8:32 In this season I remember how He sent His son Jesus to this earth to live, yet knowing ultimately he would have to die to reconcile us so that we could one day join them in heaven. As I reflect on how much my family means to me I can not fathom giving their lives up to save anyone, much less people who have harmed or mocked me, but He did! He wants to adopt us into His family and he loves us so much that he sacrificed his own son to do so. (John3:16) God is not a want, He is a need. A need for endurance and strength on this earth and more importantly a need for eternal salvation. May you go into 2012 knowing that no matter what may come into this world He has overcome the world and may you put your faith and trust in him and accept this love, this amazing gift He offers us through Jesus Christ.

We Love You!!!!Josh, Laura, Mya and Payton

out of these ashes I will rise

So I just love Shawn Mcdonald lately, that's where the title of this post came today.  I don't know why I have researched him more before I know many of his songs but lately as I listen to the words they just speak truth to me.
So today has just been such a good meditation, reflection day.  Yesterday was for the first half a huge energy sucker emotionally then physically and after a small meltdown to my poor husband on his lunch break I finally just prayed out loud that God would remove this 5 yr old attitude I had, help me to release other peoples problems from my head, remove guilt, and poor his grace on me.  We then got to the rest of our evening with church and good fellowship and well, God is just so good.  We also talked about our marriage last night in small group and it is always so good for us to remember where we were and where God has delivered us to. 
Now onto today.  So I was very sad this morning as again I said goodbye to my husband to go out of town for the day and knowing once he gets back for a few hours he leaves again for 3 days.  Now this morning he took Mya (shhh don't tell her school she was going on "day date" with her daddy, which is a perfectly good reason to miss school if you ask me!)  So it was just bubba and I.  We stayed home bc he has a plastic surgeon appt later today(he's getting a little botox and a little eyebrow lift.... IM JUST KIDDING come on people.)  I promised myself 1.we would NOT leave the house 2. I would not change out of my jammies until he napped 3. I would drink my coffee the whole time it was hot and not periodically have to re-warm it.... for some reason all these things have not happen since im pretty sure we brought him home from Louisiana.  And let me tell you IT WAS AMAZING!!!  I even turned on Regis and Kelly while Payton played "ride the horse" on my crossed leg(my version of a work out for today).  I even shed some tears bc it's Regis' last week and well let's face it Im just emotional today.  Come on Regis has been on TV since I was 3 yrs old!!!  So, anyway I didn't even feel guilty or rushed.  Normally I make myself go somewhere or get stuff done.  I even did a couple loads of laundry and THAT didn't even seem like a horrible task.  I had the urge to dust, I resisted. 
Wow, amazing how rushed we make our lives.   Josh and I have both been having semi-frequent melt downs lately and keep saying, this pace can't go on.  But for right now, there is nothing externally we can change.  He has to work were work is even if its out of town.  We have to finish this salon in our garage.  We NEED to be in our small group.  But I am realizing things that stress me out that I do have control over. I have control over what people say and the kind of situations I put myself in. I have said it before but will say it again for my own good.
I am not required to do or be like any other mom on this earth
I am not required to have the best dressed, most behaved children
I am not required to listen or be part of everyone life questions and situations, I am not their savior
I am not the center of every ones universe... just Josh's :)
I am my children's parent NOT there best friend

I am required to read scripture and be filled with Gods knowledge how to be a mom
I am required to take care of and discipline my children lovingly and to be consistent with it.
I am required to love my neighbors(friends family) and in love be there when I can, listen when I can, hug when I can, and most importantly pray for.
I am required first and foremost to know who I am in Christ so I can know who I am as a wife, mom, friend and also my place though small in the business world

At no time is God EVER as hard on me as I am on myself.  At no time would he say the hurtful things to me that I say to myself.  This is because when I looks at me He looks through Jesus' blood and sees me as perfect.  He sees me as not guilty of any of the things I deserve.  Daily I break at least one of the 10 commandments whether physically or mentally, all the same to Him.  But now that I have asked for his forgiveness, admitted I need a savior that I can not live this life on my own accord... I am free. Free of all the strongholds I once held, free to live my life without ever wondering if I am doing it right.  Because it doesn't matter, I did my eternity right... and I have no fear.

Hope your day is amazing and if not I pray you turn to the one who can permanently turn it around
laura

just another manic monday

Good morning day.  Drug my poor weary body out of bed this morning early to listen to the word of God and make an attempt to bring this week some peace.  And praise God we got to finally go to the movie Courageous last night- so good.  It spoke truth to us and was mostly amazing to see it affect my husband. 
I am mostly hit this morning by my overwhelming LAST night of nervousness for this week.  I just sat there not wanting to go to bed knowing that monday was around the corner.  Getting stuff ready to take to a new daycare, getting a backpack ready for school lunch money in tack, and most horribly laying out my clothes to go to a new gym after I drop off the kids. breath... ok I can do this.   I haven't been to a gym in lets just say a very long time.  Ive tried videos and the occasional trip to our little gym here in town, but in all honesty since Payton was born it has been a stretch of my imagination to say I'm actively pursuing my health in the aspect of working out.  So this morning I was learning and listening to about how our hearts are so deceitful.  Jeremiah 17:9  "the heart is above all deceitful and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" AMEN!! to that.  Our hearts lie to us and tell us easier is better.  What feels good must be good.  Well it feels pretty good in the moment to just eat whats on my mind and in front of my face, it feels good in the moment to not go to the gym and try to fit one more thing into my schedule.  But guess what?!?! It does NOT feel good to be winded going up the stairs, running after my 18 month old and even after a day of work being sore because my body can't support the extra tension.  Think of when you lift up even 5 extra pounds or a child and carry them. It is so hard on your body.  So even 10 lbs although not the end of the world, can be exhausting on your( my) body.  And my body just doesn't take extra stress well it is already stressed just surviving when I'm just sitting immobile at peace.
My heart lies to me.  It tells me I deserve things I do not, things that are not good for me, things that ultimately are actually harmful to my soul.  God tells me I deserve every blessing HE can give me. God tells me His ways will bless me beyond what I can imagine for myself.  But His narrow path seems hard to follow at times, that is when I need to rely on Jesus to carry me.  I am praying through this week.  I am praying myself to the gym.  I am praying God delivers me from my deceitful heart and eyes when it comes to food. 
Yes, we are crazy with too much on our plates right now.  Life can be overwhelming and stressful.  But the more I stray from God and His truth, although at the time easier, the harder life gets.  Because a life apart from Gods path is not only lonely but dangerous.  Don't take the easier path today.  Look to God, let him deliver, let him lead.  No matter how far down the worlds' path you are He will come when you call out to him.  I plan on calling everyday :)

Jeremiah 29:12-14
"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with ALL your heart.  I will be found by you, " declare the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."

Praying my way closer to HIM,
Laura

Funk is a four letter word.

wow! It has been a long time since I posted a new blog.  It has also been a long time since I FELT like posting a new blog.  I don't know what walls and barriers God is breaking down in my life so He can rebuilt fresh and anew... but it hurts.  Physically,emotionally my head just hurts.  So at the risk of posting negative babble forgetting the main reason for this blog is for me to vent my crazies.... I have avoided the blog world all together.  In fact today I was drooling over how nice a "tech free" vacation would be.  No texts, phone calls, Facebook, TV, email- just a nice beach and a book and OK my husband could come along to bring me refreshments and listen to my venting.  I actually get to see my husbands' face for more than two days in a row this upcoming week! He has been gone 4 out of the 5 last weeks and as of last week I'm more than a little sick of that life scenario.  While he's been gone there has been Halloween, school conferences, daycare lost, daycare found, a new bus schedule to set up, and the every week wed night activities and dance on Thursdays   Not to mention him on his "off" time finishing the home salon we are putting in the garage.  Which by the way is being painted this week and flooring this weekend -yeah!!  But busy feels like some sort of understatement.  My mind  almost shut down today.  Scheduling our lives, scheduling the kids lives, scheduling my clients lives and then wondering what it feels like to have that feeling of "aah done with my day time to relax" or "aah the week is over time to relax".
I really can feel my disconnection with the word of God and my relationship lately BC it has been on the back burner of my day.  A quick read while I'm at work or a verse while I'm scarfing down breakfast.  Not the nice quiet time of yesteryear.  So I sat down today after work and while I ate lunch and listened to a study.  It was so nice to sit and listen to the word of God.  I love the bible, But I run from it sometimes.  I know the truth, but I don't think it pertains to me or my life.  I am thankful for Jesus dying to save me from my sins so I may have eternal life in Heaven with him- but sometimes I don't grasp what that all entails for me while I'm still on earth.  I have felt so burdened to share the gospel with people lately.  People in need of His love.  People filling a God sized void in there life with wordly things and always coming up short.  I feel this burden yet don't know what to say.  How can God love me so much when I feel like I let him down every day I don't talk about his Saving Grace!  I'm so exhausted physically and emotionally I don't feel like this is the life I want people to think they would have as a christian yet its not this life that is the concern its our eternal lives that are well... eternal.  I CANT SAVE ANYONE.  I need to tell myself over and over each day.  I need to fill myself with his word and strength and then go out each day saying whats on my heart, unashamed of the gospel.
Over and over in the study I listened to today scripture was read of how God has given me a beautiful, plentiful land to live in.  He has given me his Word to read and learn and grow.  But am I really digesting all these things?!?! no.  I am half heartily reading, listening, and then hanging my head and barreling through my day.  I don't have the answer to this predicament today.  I don't have an answer for this funk I'm in.  All I know is that I have been given the tools to get through this I just have to use them.
I pray anyone who reads this today see the need for God's saving power and his loving mercy.  He does nothing but love us and he just gently stands at our heart door and knocks (rev. 3:20). Wanting to save us form all this stress all this worry all this stuff we think we can handle on our own. The truth is we weren't created to handle it on our own.  We are created to serve something.  Who are you serving??
Trusting in Him and Him alone,
laura

Ya, I'm finally a grown-up!!!

http://new.music.yahoo.com/natalie-grant/albums/awaken--17881789 I think you need to listen to this song today, I did.  
Well we are kind of in the middle of storms right now and I feel I have a lot to catch up on.   Josh just got back from his Mexico missions trip.  They were building a home in for a family who was living in a pop-up camper, I think there are 8 in the family!?! I tented for four days with my 4 member family and wanted to put up the surrender flag so I can't wrap my mind around this scenario.  Also the house they built them was 12x30.  Not a common size for us over needy Americans.  A tearful new home owner was assurance that this was just what they needed- all they needed.  My husband rocks. This was way out of his comfort zone, flying (he doesn't enjoy) being in a different country, being around and working with mostly Spanish speaking people(he is NOT bilingual and would attest to that), and away from his kiddos for 7 days.  Gods moves when we let him carry us beyond what WE can handle alone.
So, back home we had the luxury of grandma helping out, watching kids, picking up kids while I was at work and of course doing my laundry way better than I could ever imagine doing it.  I don't know why that is(that she has such a great laundry skill) but I sure do appreciate it.  But for some reason even with all that help, without my other half here to take on part of the discipline, "daddy time", and just not having my partner to talk to at night: it was a long week.  I still for almost a month now have been feeling very tired, achy and sore.  In fact physically I was feeling probably the worst I have in awhile.  Every time I would eat I feel shaky and my heart speeds up and I just would never quite get the energy I needed for my day.  I have since figured out (well I probably knew this in the back of my mind) that our family has slowly deterred from our mostly organic mostly non sugar lifestyle and we are all feeling the effects.  My body just can't handle all the processed mostly grain diet I take on when I'm in a hurry.  And rightfully so that's not how we are created.  I sometimes I wonder how many horrible things I would do to my body if I had all my normal organs.  The "nice" thing is that I feel and see the effects so much sooner bc my body has less time and energy to recover and heal so when I'm eating the wrong things it uses all its energy to break down that food and doesn't have anything left to just make me get through my day.  Life is busy and I'm having a hard time squeezing in more "planning and preparing time".  Especially when kids don't sleep/ I don't sleep after a 12 hour day and it's hard to make my tired achy body get out of bed early in the am.
Now ENOUGH complaining and moaning!!! Because I just told you how physically I felt here is how I feel spiritually.... A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. I mean we were singing in church and they were reading out of Isiah and at the end I just wanted to shout " amen!" and clap- it was kinda weird like my heart was exploding for love of Jesus.
It's like I finally feel like a grown up.  Being pro-active in what I read and listen to, to encourage me in this time. How I pray for everything and how I am finally realizing how I can encourage my family through prayers for them and then just wait for God's timing.  While Josh was gone I kept having these moments of recognizing God's grace in my life.  We are in a bible study right now in Song of Solomon, the racy book of the bible :) http://marshill.com/search/results?q=song+of+solomon  So we God's in his perfect timing has us working on things in our marriage that haven't been addressed or forgotten about in 10+ years right when we need it the most, and I feel it.  God has shown me things in my own life that I believe 10-20 years from now if not addressed could make me a very scared and bitter women.  I finally recognize my looks, what I do what I say, the only person I am impressing and need to live to a standard first and foremost is God and secondly the man He gave me.  A man who constantly tells me how amazing and beautiful I am ( I just never seem to think its enough) my husband.  WOW, what a load off!! Being married doesn't mean you "give up" on yourself.  It means you always have a cheerleader.  Someone who's "standard" of beauty is ME!! :) And for that I praise God.   On that note I think of where we were in our marriage the first 5 years and think of how God has delivered my husband, first into His arms recognizing his need for  Jesus to cover his sins and for salvation, and then to continually be growing him in His word.  All the way to him going on a mission trip, are you kidding me?!?!? God is so good.  I think of where we would both be if we didn't have forgiveness, if we didn't have grace, and eternally if we didn't have Christ.  This should never be a passing thought in my mind, this should be the reason I get out of bed.  No matter how bad I feel, God is giving me things to change, to renew.  No matter how bad this world gets HE HAS OVERCOME THIS WORLD.
So as the next month comes and Josh will now be working 2 hours out of town for 4-5 weeks only home on weekends, I know we can make it work with Gods' help.  No, seriously like crying out to Him and taking deep breaths kinda help :)  We sat down and figured out our "take charge eat better" food situation (this was no small task) we are going to keep going with our Peasant Princess study even though he will miss the small group meetings, and we WILL be stronger from this in the end.
You know, I just have to think in survival mode right now.  If I think about what is left of my body that is God's amazing glory I am even alive.  And I just think He's not done with me yet.  I have these 2 beautiful children to teach and to love and to share and live the gospel out to.  Dang it I'm just not giving up.

No change required

Good morning!! I wasn't going to post this morning but I had a cancellation in my day and thought that it has been so long since I have felt up to blogging I should give it a try.  Aaaand I had an divine revelation this morning :) So what if you filled in the blank of this question..... If I only had____I'd be secure in myself. or If only I looked like____I'd be secure in myself.  Hmmmm there are so many but what Im realizing and being taught is how much power I put in other peoples opinions, ideas, or suggestions of me or what I'm doing when that is rightfully only God's job.  I had a two hour talk with my husband last night only to find out he supports everything I am doing and we are on the same page about work, finances, daycare... but I refuse to believe that I could be doing something right.  I have this doubt built in that repeats in my head that I could be doing better or maybe I should do things differently, like "so and so" does it.  You have to remember I talk to a lot of women during the week at my job and everyone is doing things a little differently- to me, that means I must be doing it wrong.
Now, here's how I would finish that fill in the blank.  Initially I think that I fill it in with some sort of body image issue, weight muscle ratio etc.  but here's what I think back on in my old age ;) When I look back to times in my life when I was most "fit" was I happy? like wake up every day rejoice in the reflection in the mirror happy? no.  I was happy when I started the process and people saw me and said how great I was looking or when I wore a new pair of jeans a size smaller and someone commented.  Basically, I'm happy when I'm the center of attention.  there. i said it.  I'm happy when people compliment me at my job, i'm happy when people admire my children, I'm happy mostly when people admire my achievements 
Two things are wrong with these feelings (well more than that but here's the two for today).  First, my loving amazing friends and family compliment me ALL the time, mostly my husband.  But do I hear/accept it? no.  I only hear it when I think I deserve it.  Right now the way I feel, if someone complimented how I look I just assume its because of my outfit bc whats underneath is horrendous.  If someone compliments Mya's hair, or how great my kids are- that's nice but truth is there are exhausting me right now so I don't feel worthy of hearing those things.  So basically I am always assuming the worst of everything said.  WRONG-O
Second, I just realized (and praise God I am realizing these things now in my life and while my kids are young) that I am assuming that the way I feel fulfilled is how Mya will feel filled.  If people compliment her on her hair, if people think she's athletic if she has many friends and is well known THEN she won't have insecurities.  I am using her to fulfill my own needs or the things I feel I missed out on.  I always wished I was more involved in school with activities, I wish I was good and something people would recognize me for.  AAGGHH this stuff is so wrong, how do people not just realize this and want to talk about it?!?!  I just have so much to work on.  I just am praising God so much today and last thinking how His grace abundant to cover all these things in my life.  That He would reveal these things to my in my prayer time and through my husband my leader.  That at the YOUNG age of 31 I could give these things to Him and leave a "lighter burdened" life.  When I look at what He expects from me it is so refreshing and always filling, why do I choose to look at what anyone else would expect of me???
 I have a long way to go in these things but am glad to be writing them down.  Insecurity can be a killer.  Its not just me I know that everyone has something so I least I don't feel crazy any more.  I would much rather know I am broken because I know the most amazing Healer. I have a savior who covers all my insecurities with His sons blood and sees me as His perfect daughter.  No change required.

ps. i am going through beth moore's "so long insecurity" study which is online to listen to her read her book at http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/living-proof-with-beth-moore/listen/
also I am doing "long story short" by Marty Machowski with mya in the morning its a ten min devotional, and love to see her filled and ask questions about Jesus and how we can't ever live up to perfection, we need someone who is perfect to save us....we need Jesus.

In love with Christ- Laura

oh man I just closed this post and then looked at my open bible here is what verse was there 1 John 2:16-17
"For everything in the world- the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does- comes not from the Father but from the world.  The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever."  (emphasis mine)

never an unanswered prayer

Well, i starting writing yesterday and ended up deleting everything i wrote.  I was very upset and sad and well..sick.  This week has been one for the books.  Mon/Tue at work I slowly started getting a tension migraine in my head and neck.  Then it hit full bore on wed.  By Thursday it was better so I ran around my house like a mad women catching up on what I hadn't gotten done, I went to the grocery store, I baked, I cooked, then that night just like every other over booked night this week(because of homecoming) picked up Mya from one dance practice fed kids and took her to her next dance practice, starting straightening Mya's hair for her cheer pony,  put everyone to bed and then felt this weird cramping in my legs and slight swelling in my throat.  That night turned into a full battle of achiness, overheating then complete chills.  I couldn't sleep and by morning I could barely walk my legs were so achy and I was sure I had some major disease.  Or probably just some form of non stomach flu :)  So yesterday, homecoming day, the day we've been gearing up for all week, I sat on the couch or in my bed feeling horrible. I still had to finish Mya's hair that was only half straightened. Payton had to go to daycare and I then watched my husband pick up kids, go to parade, take mya to dance, feed kids, then put Payton to bed and take Mya to her cheer performance at the game.
Now, today I've have some time to process. Here's what stood out to me.  On Tue night I was praying with Mya and she was having trouble with a cough.  I prayed that God would heal her body and if there was anything we needed to cut out this week we would not be prideful and do what it took to take care of our bodies.  hmm.  God is so smart.  So instead of Mya being sick this week and missing out on her fun stuff, because thats all it was to her, just fun stuff- I got sick so sick I had no choice to miss out on the day of events. And my internal battle was this.  If I don't go to Mya's parade she will think I don't care.  If I don't straighten her hair she will feel bad that all the others girls have long hair ponytails.  If I don't sign Mya up for this cheer practice for the homecoming game she will feel left out and be mad at me.  Now, do you think my 5 yr old daughter even really grasps what homecoming is?!?! no.  Do you think EVERY girl in her class was at the cheer camp, no, in fact I think there was 2. And last but not least it was completely unnecessary to way over tax myself with the burden of straightening her hair.  It's like I just got slapped in the face with everything I say Im not going to do with my kids.  I say I'm not going to overburden them with activities.  I say Im not going to be my kids best friends I'm going to be there parent.  And I was totally being selfish and thinking of what would make me look good out of this whole deal. "oh Mya will think it is so fun that im letting her do this dance thing."    "it will be so good for us to get involved in town activities so people know who we are"  ugh. i make myself a little sick just thinking about it.
So thank God for my mom who assured me, again for the one hundredth time, i don't have to do all these things. I mean didn't I JUST write a blog about this!!!!!!!!!   Once again satan is just waiting for and opportunity to throw in the "you are a bad mom" card.  "you are boring, you are too lazy to do anything with your kids, you don't keep up with all the other moms" and I know it sounds crazy but I really lack on self esteem when it comes to Mya's hair bc I am nervous Im not doing a good job on it.  WOW I really overlook the power of prayer.  And I now am realizing that Gods answer to my prayers are ALWAYS for my own good and to bring glory to Him.  Now I realize I need to take every sign up sheet to Him and pray about it before doing it.  I need to look at my days and decide ahead of time what I can do to make them less stressful.  Or I'm going to end up a lot more days in sickness :)  I'm not even kidding every time im sick its a lesson in our family.  I won't even go into what lesson God showed Josh yesterday as I was sick. ok i will a little. He had to quit work at 2, now come on this is my work until 6:30 husband and then after supper squeeze in  some more stuff until 10.  So today after feeling sick about not getting near the amount of work done he wanted to yesterday he realized he didn't have the equipment in that he needed and wouldn't have been able to finish what he wanted anyway, and his business partner then had the opportunity to talk with someone about a very possible upcoming job for there otherwise unbooked winter- he would've not had time to do that otherwise.  hmm, so this is why today hopefully on the tail end of my sickness, im doing just fine.  I love that in life Im learning lessons so much faster.  Im learning to look for God in every situation, because He dwells in me.  I am His child and not for one minute does He leave me or forsake me.

My brain makes me tired

well I've fiddled around long enough this morning I will probably have to write this in seperate times today.  I've been listening to Beth Moores' wisdom for moms and it was such an amazing series.  Then I prayed for my family and did my devotional and all the while thought of things to vent/blog about.  My brain hurts my body.  I truly wish I had an "on" and "off" button for this brain of mine. I was listenting to an amazing sermon yesterday in church and here's what kept creeping in.  "hmmm, maybe I should make a meal for that family in Mya's class that just had a baby, that would make thoughtfull.  hmmm, I wonder what Mya will wear for all her homecoming days next week, ugh I'd have to go buy things.  hmmm I don't think I talked to "so and so" about how they are doing, I hope they don't think I don't care"  All the while I kept snapping out of it and trying to focus.
I heard on the radio the other day something that Im afraid has been becoming part of me motto.  "we grew up with the statement 'Go big or go home' and so when we can't go big, we just go home."  That really could be the end of my blog there.  But then if anyone reads this they won't get there 500 words :)  I just make myself tired with all the things I THINK I should be doing. Not just as a mom but as a christian.  I think, "who am i witnessing to, who knows that Christ is my life, who even thinks i care!" then i begin my laundry list of "to do's".  I see others doing nice things and I think that is what I should do.  I see others making things, baking things, taking care of others kids, sending things, then I just go home.  I can't do it all so I just go home.  Or is that really what is going on?   Because you know what.. Mya is 5, it doesn't REALLY matter if she dresses up for homecoming. My friends all have very turbulent busy seasons right now and they understand if I haven't talked to them in awhile.  (thats what i love about them).  And when I really feel God moving me to send a card or make a meal I do, and i love every second of it.  I am just so grateful for things like this devo i listened to this morning to remind me that I do not live in crazy town population: me.  There are others out there other moms other women and im sure men who feel the same way.  So much good to do, so much that can make it about US what WE can handle.  Well, you know what? right now in this phase of our lives I can't handle much more than what is going on in our lives.  I should be greatful for the random moment of time to send a card or make a phone call, but its never enough in my mind.
I am just focusing on this.  I am grateful for my church, without true christian fellowship I don't know what or where i'd be.  We are in a sunday school right now focusing on parenting, uh ya gonna need to take this twice.  Wow what an eye opener it is.  This is a time in my life I never knew would require so much dedication, so much purposeful talk, attention and prayer.  I am refocusing what Im focused on.  If I have to withdraw from other things right now that has to be ok, for my families sake.  I think the reason God gave me the life He did, the reason He gave me the children he did, is so I would have to focus.  I mean this life has been no "la ti da" sail through life.  It has been me on a boat in rough seas continually clinging to Gods hand.  He has taught me also that the lifesavers he sends me I need to hang on to and all else i need to let go of.
I need to hang onto my deep relationships ones that encourage me, grow me in faith, deliver me through rough times and keep me in check.  its better to have 1 friend with roots a thousand inches deep than to have a 1000 friends 1 inch deep

I need to build my own self knowledge in the word, prayer time and who I am in Christ instead of worry about everyone else relationships.

I need to STAY AWAY from things that cause my mind to wonder, to feel guilty and eat my energy of who I am.

I need to let go of unneeded drama.

I need to let go of unneeded drama ( i thought that deserved repeating)

I need to let go of worldly expectations

I need to be purposefully in everything I do as I am representing God to my children, including letting them know I need Him just as much as they do.

okay, so 500+ words i did finish and no one is even awake yet!! May God bless your day, may He speak truth to you as He does to me straight through my tough shell.

laura

One day....

....you have a new email from tea school district... don't forget Wednesday is beachwear day...don't forget next week is homecoming, everyday is dress up day....don't forget to refill your childs lunch account.... don't forget to put sneakers on your child every other day for gym.... sign up now to volunteer!  sign up now for your daughter to be in a dance production during the halftime show at homecoming! sign up now to bring supplies to your childs classroom!!  aaahhh mommy "to do" list just quadrupled!!!!
I know our lives become not our own when we had children, but these last couple weeks have been a little overwhelming.  Not to mention my daughters new, not nice attitude after school.   The instant I pick her up she is asking to go to someones house, have someone over, have a sleepover.  Then 15 min after we get home she crashes and becomes a crazy hormonal, hungry, tired child wanting me to hold her telling me she had a "rough" day.  I am to say the least feeling a little overwhelmed.  All this along with a broken computer last week, a husband who is overworked from his job and a working on bringing my business to my home has made me look at a few things.
God keeps putting this statement in front of me.  "Do all that you do to the glory of God."  It just doesn't feel like glory!  I feel like I should be helping out people who suffered from 9/11,going to Haiti/Japan, sending meals to people who had babies recently, or sending cards to my friends in need, or doing something more monumental than THIS.  The other day my kids were running all over I was trying to cook supper, then Josh took them outside to "help" him and when I came into the kitchen the sun was shining ever so on my kitchen that i could see every fingerprint on every appliance.  I could see every crumb in every nook and cranny on the floor and counter top.  I just stood there and stared.  No matter what I do to clean and prepare there is always more to do.  Some people say, "let it go and just love and play with your kids" ok great then I have a messy house,we have no clean clothes, there is no supper?  I don't know.  I just feel a little like I'm on a horrible hill I can't quite reach the top.  Im trying to love my job as a mom and wife i really am.  I love it when i play with my kids or we have time thats not rushed, but that is not often.  I mean its 6:30am and im already behind schedule to go get ready for work, feed kids,get kids dressed and well i don't have to pack a lunch now bc apparently i was ruining myas life making her take a lunch bc it was so unfair she didn't get to go get a tray at lunchtime. Not to mention we don't even have milk in our fridge or supper planned for tonight.
Well I guess when I put my life on paper, i look a little sad, but im really not.  Just overwhelmed and really, really focused on God's strength.  Because every i mean EVERY day i need to rely on him to give me the patience I need to get through these moments.  We are working on becoming a functioning family.  I don't know why its taking us 5 yrs to do this but hopefully we'll get some handle on it before the kids leave for college.

Is it mine? or is it HIS?

ooooh coffee. I just don't know if i could get up at 5:30 with out even smelling it brewing. But guess what people? I finally did a workout video yesterday, yep thats right since july 4th: my boil, random allergy attack, then a 5 week cough, bronchitis, cold epidemic and I have mustered up enough strength to take care of myself:) I got my good ol Julian Michael's 30 day shred out since i just cant go to the gym on days I work I'd have to get up at 4:30am no thanks!!! So only 20 minutes of some sweating and yep... im sore today. oh well, it feels good to have taken that dreaded first step. We hopefully have a more regulated week this week. Ps. still sad about my baby going to school, every day I drop her off.
Well, Ive been building up on things that have struck me this weekend, so: reader beware. Starting this blog made me quite nervous and still does. Not nervous about sharing my personal info, you loose all that modesty in front of tons of doctors and constantly having to explain things to people. And lay half naked in those darn gowns :) Im afraid bc I get attack with thoughts that my story is that big of a deal. Afraid someone with much more, much worse of a situation might read it and roll their eyes. Im afraid of talking about myself too much. But then here's what my God does to my heart. I see people who write books, speak at events, or are just a motivation to people who may have only went through just one life changing event and there are just using that to greatest glory for God. And I think, "wow! that is such an amazing story!" Then I think "oh.. ya... I've had a few of those, stories" Actually I sometimes wonder why God would choose our little family to take on all these "stories".
So here's what I've realized about myself. I always feel like when I share the gospel with people Im doing a sales pitch. Like "hey! buy this! its gonna change your life" which is true, when you accept Christ and his blood shed for our sins, it changes your life, it SAVEs your life. However, people don't respond to sales pitches, too many Kerby salesman have been to our doors. Then I remember, God isn't an option or a want, He's a NEED. The statistic says there is a 100% chance we will die. The bible says there is a 100% chance we will stand in front of God when we do to hold account for our lives. The one true almighty judge, just in every part of His being. And when He asks me why I deserve to come into his Almighty kingdom the home he created for his children, i will say, "there is nothing, nothing I could do on earth to justify my actions, to make a mends with your holiness God. Then you spoke to my heart that I didn't need to "do" and "fix". You showed me a picture of your Son Jesus, dying on the cross for me Laura Hejl and covering ALL my sin with His blood. Once that happened I became clean, I was adopted into your family" Now, by this time I will be crying and on my knees, and He will pick me up and give me the most amazing hug I will ever have felt and he will say "welcome HOME child". And that is a story worth telling people.
So darn it, I will tell MY STORY, ok so funny thing bc I was gonna name this blog "lauras story" and then the song "blessings" by "laura story" came out and I didn't want to look like a copy cat, but funny thing is that song is sooo my life. But I am tired of thinking I have nothing to share. God put a story in ALL of us. A story he can use to His glory. Just the other day I had another adoption story to share and talk over with someone, and once again someone I know has been diagnosed with cancer, all things I just want to reach out and just assure people and tell them its possible to conquer these things. So thats my prayer, that when I talk to people I stop trying to force things. I just remember how much I love Jesus and how he has saved me and continually is blessing me. Because no one can deny the things that have come from Him in all my times of need, no man could have brought me out of thoughts that I've had during those days of so much pain, so much hopelessness, never ending hospital stays and worthlessness running through my mind. And no one can tell me it wasn't Gods loving hand using His people to help my family in time of financial need when cancer sucked all my parents money out of their pockets and now ours. And no one can tell me that it was "fate" that made me not able to carry children, put it on both Mya and Paytons birthparents hearts to first put their babies up for adoption then look at our profiles and choose us to parent their children. How can I look at my life at all and not see the glorious hand of God at work. oooh now im crying. this is why i do need to blog. How we forget the blessings, how we let the business of life let us forget we need to slow down and think.
I have had it laid on my heart to look at what I have, invest in it, do with it what I can and God will use it. THE END
LOVE IN THE DEEPEST
laura

Can I get some cheese with that wine?!

Well, I'll make this one short today. It seems my mornings need to start earlier and earlier with school now. Maybe soon we will have a schedule set, hmm that would be nice :) Well I just wanted to get out of my head all of this conviction I've been having lately. Darn it. Don't you just hate it when you read stuff or hear stuff and you are like, "shoot, that was for me I wish I hadn't heard that now i'm convicted!!" well yesterday I was reading 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 and those are verses about health and our bodies being temples. Which I have done the least amount of concerning with. Treating my body like a slave horse. Pushing through neck and back aches knowing I need to get a massage or a chiropractic visit. Feeling sick from eating fast or making poor food choices. Then I read this sentence in my devotion, "God knows we have infirmities, but He wants us to take care of ourselves so we do not make our condition worse." WOW, I just really even now read that and have so much conviction. I feel like since I've been sick for close to half of my life that my body is pretty washed up and I feel like my effort to protect it is useless. I know this attitude is wrong. This is my body God has given me, like it is still his body it belongs to him. He created me, I have given my life to him, it is not a bad thing that I "belong" to someone its an amazing thing. Since it is Christ, He knows every little thing about my body. How freeing to know that my job is only to do what I know to do, take care of what He's given me and ultimately in His sovereignty the rest is up to Him. Just bc I take care of myself doesn't mean I'll never be sick or even have cancer again. It means Im doing the best with what he has given me. Wouldn't I rather live to my best ability? Well I would sure like to try.
I guess I am realizing I use a lot of my past as excuses for the present. A lot of my fears and uncomfortable zones are being tested right now. I really blow things up in my head that are, on paper, not that big of a deal. I feel so harshly or horribly about something then I read it and think, "oh that doesn't sound that bad". I get really nervous about being around groups of people for extended amounts of time bc of my ileostomy. Usually im the one asking to find a bathroom or making everyone go out of their way to find one. It actually really bothers me. Always. My husband says no one else notices but why is it that I feel like I was born with this sensor alert of peoples eyes on me. Its the weirdest feeling. I feel it when Im eating in front of people, I feel it when I have to get up in a group of people to go to the bathroom. I feel it if my kids are being naughty or say something rude. Im sure everyone has there insecurities, right? But I think I need to walk through them. I get really anxious about something and then someone pushes me(usually my husband) to do it and the second I do it im fine. I remember always needing someone to go everywhere with me bc I would be afraid to look stupid by myself. In high school i wouldn't even go to the mall by myself. I know, crazy. I admire people who eat by themselves or go to movies by themselves. Again though I love going and doing so I have gotten better at this, plus I have kids, so who doesn't love alone time no matter what once you have kids :) ok how did I get off on this tangent?!?!
Just having lots of doubts lately, don't think i'll publish this post on facebook. My matters seem to be very minor to me lately, like lots of grumbling. I will continue to be in prayer for my family as we are transitioning so much in the next month or so. My job, Myas schedule, Josh finishing up summer jobs, starting our wed night activities and dance, and now me being home more and already wondering and having anxiety about all the stuff i need to be getting done. Not to mention me knowing and wondering when to fit exercise into this mix. My body is feeling very achy bc of losing extra muscle in my core, plus it is always a good stress reliever for me. None of this compares to the ongoing sickness we are battling. Payton had hand foot mouth and is now recovering, mya continues to have a cough and sore throat, my cough is finally getting better after 5 weeks and josh's allergies seem to be subsiding some. Not bad stuff just those little annoinces that seem to kink your day.
So, may God continue to be in the forefront of my mind, He is the only thing capable of changing my negative attitude and bringing things to a positive conclusion. He is my mood changer :)

laura

Letting go....

Well here I am, morning of my baby's first day of school. Im ready, im ready to have it over :) My stress level has been way to high this week, totally self induced im sure. She is ready, her excitement runeth over. Yesterday i made her run around the sidewalk two times before we left for church she was bouncing all over the place. So here we go, releasing my child into Gods arms fully. So silly, bc she has went to daycare most her life, but so much has changed in my own life and how I parent that now I think I just recognize more this new phase of life.... a phase where she begins to take things on herself, I need to put my own fears away and help, encourage, love, and most of all pray her through hers.
This weekend started out pretty rough starting on Frid. its just like all my fears where brought to the forefront of my mind. Mostly my life where it is now as I start to work less and mother more. Start to love my husband more and be guarded less. This may sound like something natural that just comes to a women but it is not for me. Most of my "adult" life has been from one scary thing to another, but it always gave me a reason to be guarded and in reality not deal with situations and walk through them but fall back on the love that came from people bc they felt sorry for me. My heart is learning how to grow and not be scared of relationships that are real and pure. I mostly would like to please everyone. At one time, maybe still, I was pretty sure that my reason for being on this earth was to run around pleasing everyone. That leaves my soul pretty empty. That hit me on Friday and I was sure that God messed up giving me this job of being a mom and wife. It all looks to hard written on paper. Too much responsibility to much expectation. But from who?!?! Not from my husband. Not from my kids. NOT from God.
I am starting to see that now as I take a step back. I also am so grateful for the friends God has given me to pray me through these times. Encouraging me to just stop, just take a break from my own thoughts and to live through this moment. No more comparison for just one day. I don't remember a time I had a more amazing date with my husband than what we had on sat. I felt relaxed, I had fun. No big deal just dinner and a movie. But I put my guard down and let him loves me like he has wanted to for 10 years. I stopped thinking that he expects something from me. I stopped thinking he thought i was failure, a let down, a bad mom, a women who has let herself go. All these things are lies I tell myself and then put on him. Im done, I give my fears to God, he can heal them.
Here's what I learned this morning. 1 Corinthians 2:9-10 "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit." I have no idea what God has planned for me. But I do know it is way beyond what I can do by my own accord. God has given let me feel fear so I can feel his peace. Bc as I go on in this journey of life and seeing who has created me, I need him lead me through things I think I can not handle. I am exactly who I am for a reason. My past is exactly as it should be. Nothing in my nature makes me think that the role I should play is a mom. It doesn't seem important to me, I feel like Im doing nothing for God. I feel like I should be doing more. In reality im just scared of it. Now I am realizing that when i feel fear about something that is when I most need to pursue it. Not second guess what God has laid on my heart. He has prepared something for me that I can not conceive, that means I need to trust him.
So here we go, I am continually learning that not matter how old I am I am always learning lessons, still growing. But praise God I am exactly where He wants me, how exciting!! I am done thinking that one good day means I will have a week of bad. I will NOT be afraid a letting myself be loved or happy or released of these burdens I put on myself. Just I have had some years of bad that does not mean God didn't use those times to allow some amazing growth and now I just need to let me heart heal and retrain it to completely follow Him, and listen to Him speak to and through me. Jesus loves me this i know!!!
So now to fill my heart with some mommy time. ok not crying not crying not crying!! Im off to make some protein pancakes for my littly mya. ssshhh, she doesn't know they are healthy she just likes them. Her backpack and hello kitty lunch box is ready to go with her favs for her first day, her outfit is hung up, her hair is braided and her heart is full of so many prayers she has no choice but to show God through her amazing smile and personality. She is my daughter. She is Gods' gift and now she will shine His light to this world. I know his plans are amazing for her and I will continue to let him walk me through MY fears so that I can help her (and then payton) walk through hers, leaning not on me, but on her savior.
Good luck to all you moms this week!!!! you have my prayers!!!
laura

ummm.... yaay?!

Well, 4 day countdown to kindergarten!! Today, I have decided to spend some time with just my daughter. We are going to do a smoothing treatment to her hair, pack her backpack, label items to take for open house tonight, go to the grocery store and get stuff for lunches next week. Now if I could just stop coughing and blowing my nose long enough to enjoy these things, that would be great. A 5 week cold is not really been the best for my attitude but hopefully this is the last week. My mind is racing with anxieties about next week. I am more and more finding out I just am not in full mom mode, I don't even know what that means. I think I just look around at what other people do and if I don't do that I think I don't know what im doing.
I don't have bins for after school projects, pictures hanging on my walls of their artwork, probably even many pictures in the book from this last year. Honestly i don't remember the last set of pictures i even developed. I did force myself to scrapbook one time for each of them, but I have to tell you i didn't really enjoy it, i just wanted it done. Like it was on some big "MOM" checklist. Im just having such a hard time enjoying life right now.
So today is also the day, the 10 year anniversary!! So, ya. Those exclamation marks are about as much excitement i can muster. I mean, I just feel so numb, so numb to time. My mind is so foggy and the past years seem to have been some other life I lived. I feel thankful to were God has brought me and my family but I wish I just had a overwhelming of joy. I kinda feel like im doing what im supposed to be doing, but only bc im supposed to be doing it. I was reading in "feminine appeal" yesterday and the author was talking about enjoying and loving our children(also our husbands). How God looks/sees them(children) and how He words it in Psalm 127. He uses words "heritage, fruit, reward, arrows. and then says, blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them" aaahh, the word quiver, i keep hearing people keep say that now i know what it means, its that thing that holds the arrows for the bow hunter. So I get the relation of our children being arrows in our quiver now. We keep them and then shoot them out into this world. I just don't think I can truly grasp how God cherishes them so much and uses my own children to shape me.
Yesterday, was overwhelming with neediness. I was tired and sick and there was short naps or no naps, whining, and relentless, "I want i want i want!!" and to top it off a busy husband until 8pm. Lately, we have been trying a schedule with me at work less and home more, but sometimes I feel like that has been more work. Probably bc motherhood is more work. Seriously it would be easier for me to go back to work full time and just do more daycare again. It's a soul battle right now. I personally have been led to this for the past 6 months to a a year, but I fight it, bc I don't think i can handle it. I don't swoon over how its been so great to be at home more. Or boast at much I've gotten done. If anything I feel more behind, my house is always a mess, I am running around more, Im squeezing in all my appointments on days i work so i have daycare and spending more money on groceries. Also, now the guilt and sin of comparison kicks in. Do you know how many blogs and websites are dedicated to "helping" moms, cutting coupons, doing activities with your kids, raising your kids, what they should watch or shouldn't watch, how to react to anything they do. TOO MANY!! and i just sit and look at it or read it or get magazines about it and im just done, im exhausted before i start. So this is one area I am in prayer about now. In the quiet moments, i get it. Last night I was prepping mya's hair for today and then she was finishing her sleeping beauty movie and i just stared at her, so beautiful so young, just a child...love was easy to feel. So I am trying to remember and feel those moments in the midst of my day. I know God has given me these children. Right now I know that I can handle no more than these two bc God does not give us more than we can handle, and He wants me to enjoy these two! oh and my husband :) which we are all working on, so who knows what the next 10 years will entail, but for now I need to focus. Focus on God, what the bible says about being a wife/mom, stay of the Internet for moms, and just get through my day. My biggest goal is to be were i am. When im at work, do work. When im at home, no work. Which is really hard bc I use my cell phone as business for appointments. So this is always a fine line. Dang, why can't it just be like Laura Ingalls Wilder days. well, minus the outhouses. But that is not how the world works. The world will continue to get busier with more technology claiming to make our lives more simple yet making us crazy and way to available to be robbed of time. God doesn't promise our lives to be simple or this world to ever get better. We need to be able to live in this world but need to fill ourselves with the Word and His strength more. He gives us HIS son to cleanse us and then gives us the promise of his strength while we are in this world and while the world gets worse our home in heaven is being prepared and it IS perfect.
So, "God help me to enjoy my children. To love my husband. To let myself use the tools you gave me to raise our children without guilt of comparison to others. Let me see my strengths and use them to glorify YOU!!" amen
Well, here we go the fam is waking up cell phones are ringing, tv is being turned on, breakfast is being asked for. It will be a good day though. God has delivered us this far he will not let go now.
laura

what did you just say to me?!?!?!

Well, monday morning here I am :) Kinda some deep stuff running through my short haired head this morning. Something I keep thinking about is something that was over 10 years ago coming up here on aug 18th is Josh and my 10 year anniversary!! Along with that comes many memories. Many seem like a different life. Many are not like other stories of happy dating memories and beautiful newlywed years. Im actually having a small anxiety attack just writing these first lines. You see I tend forget these things or shall I say block them out. But lately I look at my husband and think "who is this man i married?" "what is going on, is this my life?" so let me explain this. What got me thinking was that we were thinking back to while we were dating over 14 years ago and saying why we started dating each other. Then he said "ya, you are not the same person you were before cancer" which of course being a women sent off a small lioness in my mind ready to attack into a small sermon about how mean that was, but then I realized it was a compliment. :) We only dated 8 months in high school before I graduated and then 2 months later I was diagnosed with colon cancer. From that point on and for 13 more years to come our lives have NOT been the same. 18 year old dating couples shouldn't have to visit one another in the hospital, travel to other cities for surgeries and worry about if that person will make it to the day or not. Then after 4 years of dating we have the most amazing wedding, bc we are ready to move on. "ok, trial over, lets move on" but the problem early on in our youth is not having the know how to work through any of our soul issues, just cover them up and move on. Josh was not a christian at that time but God was working on his heart. And we just had all our marital issues on hold, we just had to many other "issues" to work through. Our first two years of marriage I would just freely give away to anyone who asked. Its kinda like our youth got stolen, our independence was taken away from my cancer and then we rebelled against that but did it on our own terms. We had no idea what we were doing. We fought like cats and dogs and had no idea how to love under non-traumatic circumstances. But God had a plan, and 10 years later I am allowing myself to see that. One time that sticks out in my mind is when I said something to Josh in what I thought was my normal tone/voice, and he got really mad and later said that I was extremely sassy and disrespectful. I answered that was just how i talked :) who knew, that wasn't actually the way I talked but I was completely unaware that there was anything about myself I would need to change to be in a marriage. No seriously!! We had 80's videos for our pre-marital counseling and im pretty sure laughed or slept through most of them. Then not to far into our marriage, new jobs, new town, began more surgeries. Our rebellion against working on our marriage and our lives together was again put on hold. And for probably 8 years after there just has always been some reason for us to put that work on hold. But wow, to look at what God has done individually in our lives is beyond words. When I look back to myself before I had cancer I was a typical rebellious teenager, one who was given Godly principals but did not get how that applied to me or my life. Now that i look back at cancer, hard marriage issues, hard personal issues, is nothing- i mean NOTHING compared to what God has shown me in how He loves me, how He can use me for His glory, how He can change me lovingly and how that was for my own good not just for my marriage. You see I talk to my husband now with a respect I didn't know i had in me. I deal with my kids with patience i didn't know existed. I though all that stuff just came to you when you got married and had kids. But now I realize that until I completely gave it to God and started using his principals in marriage and in life He engraves in on your/my heart. The difference between knowing Godly principals and living them.
I always knew when i woke up from surgery my super hero josh would be waiting for me, what i didn't know is that in the years to come with my scarred body, scarred and bruised soul that he would still be here loving me and patiently waiting for me. Now trust me he has his own story for personal growth, i'll let him blog about that someday:) But this is my story, I have to relive it so I can see that he made a choice. I used to be bitter that he was such a super hero bc our lives at home didn't feel like such a love story of a 18yr olds to stay together through thick and thin. I thought he would look to much like the bad guy to break up with a girl who had cancer. Here's what he says about that--- "i was given two options: to stay with you and live through a forever life changing event, sickness, and emotions- or break up with the woman I love and forever feel a gap in my life." --- turns out the life changing events have been hard, so hard- but eternally amazing!
I love that Im not the same girl I was before, I love who God has grown me to be and how I continue to see his plan. We seem to want to hold onto who we were bc we are scared. Scared we will have to do too much changing. We are afraid that WE can't do it or change what WE need to. Truth is WE can't do it, thats what faith is. Faith in Jesus Christ changing us into who created us to be. We all at some point in our lives have a decision to make. Until we give our lives to God our souls are dead, we need Jesus to breath life into them. We are created to need him! Before then we can't change because we can't see how to. Oh how i wish i had 10 or probably 50 pages to give more detail into how much work He has done in my life. And thank God for being the third party in my marriage, I can't imagine we would ever have made it even 10 years if He was not.
So I will continue to learn how to love my husband but I will not try to go back and be the person I was when we where dating, I don't ever want that pre-cancer Laura back: this is who I am this is where God has brought me and I'd rather be here in his arms STRONG then on my own WEAK!!!
may God speak to your inner most heart today and remeber that we can't let go of hurt until we let God deal with it, let Jesus' blood cover it.
laura

Get me outta this mall!!!!

Proverbs 4: 23
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (emphasis mine)

So I am praying for my husband this morning and this verse is on the list (of 31 days of praying for your husband). And it strikes me as I read the commentary is talking on our hearts, that God created for love and desire, but we need to make sure those desires and affections push us in the right direction and not lead us into sin. We need to keep our eyes forward and not get sidetracked on detours that lead us down the wrong path. So here's an example.
So I when I go shopping for clothes I may really need, I get into the mall and all around me is all my insecurities in flashing lights. Women nicely dressed, trendy clothes, shopping bags in tow. Mannequins staring at me in the latest fashion, different than what I just saw in the magazine bc now they have changed. Sales flashing but in reality all the newest styles priced above average. And when I walk into the store I don't feel happy, I feel overwhelmed and depressed. I literally have to start in one corner and move through the store not jumping around too much and keeping my eyes on one thing at a time. Then when out of the corner of my eye I look across the hall to another store and see a cute outfit in the window and think "maybe thats the outfit that will finally make me feel 'up to par' " its really never enough bc once i get an outfit im depressed I don't have shoes or accessories. And then i leave the store and see someone in something better and again I don't feel happy about my purchase I feel like I need to keep going. Then I talk to one of my friends who says they just got this great 30% of a 30% sale so they got a shirt for 4$ and then I feel guilty. I just spent 100$ and feel exhausted but in reality I should've looked around more for sales...........
This may sound crazy to those who don't have this sort of self- esteem issue but maybe can relate in another way. But here is my point, I know i struggle with this. I know look at shopping different. I can't randomly shop, it has to be purposeful. I can't run into target for toilet paper and quick look at dresses. It engulfs my time and my energy. I am protecting my heart from sin. From that feeling of anxiety, from feeling under provided for and then feeling guilty for giving into the temptation of basing my everything on what others think of me. And now with my daughter, being sooo careful I don't impose my insecurities on to her. Yes, she likes shopping and picking out clothes, but what if one day she doesn't? or wants something not trendy. I truly battle mornings when she comes out in something less cute than I know she can wear, and not saying anything. "God protect my mouth from saying anything to my beautiful daughter!" and then I can see it.... and I can grow/learn. Now, I just have to be able to protect myself from my own thoughts :) GAURD your hearts. Relationships that are unhealthy, work that is unsatisfying and unessary, even church related activities that are overwhelming or guilt ridden. As a women differentiating things that are God given passions of mine that keep me on the right path and then desires that just fulfill "self" is a blurry line sometimes. So this verse is my prayer not just for my husband today but for myself and for anyone reading this. Are we more afraid of other people's opinions? or are we doing things to stay on Gods path and feel his fulfillment?

Ok so seriously though if I start just like wearing holey sweatpants and tshirts will someone intervene and be my shopping buddy so Im not afraid!?! ;0) Isn't it funny how the things you perceive someone may have under complete control is their one insecurity.......

Let God be your protector, and let him guard you heart and guide your path,
Laura

when i can't see the big picture....

Well, so it's been a few days and that is not to say I haven't had anything to write..I have had lots to write and no time to write or been a afraid of what I would say. This morning I am feeling a clearer through the fog of what can be my mind sometimes. However just a mental note that staying up to 12:30 am does not help fog but sometimes there are not enough hours in the day, right?
So, my struggle that is reigning in my mind is that of my daughter. I need to explain that currently at my children's young ages I have a completely different bond with both of them. I had a different adoption process with both, I was in a different mindset and place when their adoptions occurred and they were babies. I feel like the struggles I have now stem from that bond/or lack of when my daughter was born. I don't like admitting and talking about this bc I love my daughter with all my being. I look at her and would lay down my life for her. I want more than ever to have her first year of life over again. And since I can't have that as a do over I wonder sometimes what our relationship would be like if i could do it over. But that can not happen. I can't go back I can only go forward. And I know God works all things for his glory his purpose and I know he has used this insecurity in me to better my life and hers. But here is where doubt sinks in. When her and I fight it is like she can look right into my soul and see my insecurities about how I rely on her approval as a mom. can she really? no. but I choose to let myself think that somehow in some way, she would be happier or better off living with her birthfamily. Now that was a huge statement. I just threw it out there bc you know what? its a secret and im sick of hiding things that are toxic to my mind. I never in my life want to NOT have her, but as a mom you want the best for your child and when i see her sad about her skin color being different or her hair being different than ours it makes my heart ACHE. When i deal with her strong personality or louder voice and then think about my young youth i remember my little blonde hair and sitting nicely in church, i think "wow, God why have you chosen this path for me?" yet at the same time I am SEEING exactly why He has chosen this path for me.
so heres what happened this weekend. I got some pictures from her birthdad and also of her biological siblings. She says, (very sweetly and innocently)"i want to live with my birthdad, don't you think he is sad?" well, i usually hold my composure very well in those times, explain and then as a mom later i stew on it i think why do i even have to answer that question? like WHO has to answer that question.?!? So what I think my main issue is that I see her as a child that I love so much I want nothing more than to physically make her mine. I tell her I wish i could have carried her in my stomach, when she asks why. But then we talk about that that doesn't make her any more mine than adopting her bc that is just how God brought her to us. Its like I know the story is great, and the lessons are great and in the end it is great! but dealing with the day to days is just hard sometimes. Its so crazy bc now the second time around, maybe bc it was with a son, I don't struggle with those issues. But this mother/daughter relationship is one I am in much need of prayer about and will constantly im sure. I really have to get over thinking things would change or be different if I would have just bonded with her more that first year. I just didn't know how. But it makes me feel good to know that God is growing me, I am understanding this adoption world and understanding how God moves in our uncomfortable times. He doesn't want to take the feeling of being a mom away from me, He wants to help me learn and understand how he hand picked my children brought them into my life and not take for granted his plan of complete love for me as his adopted child. yep it all sinks in, just takes me awhile sometimes :) im sure more of these life lessons to come.
heres to an amazing day!
laura

I just wanna LIVE!

ahhh back at my morning hours... love it... almost didn't get up.... almost didn't meet God in this hour before my house stirs.... what i would've missed. I mean im just gonna dive right in this morning. my fingers are messing up im so excited.
right now im listening to "i will not be moved" by natalie grant. my scream in the car, cry to God song, "on the Christ the solid ground i stand all other ground is sinking sand" how many times in my life has satan been right there to make me whine make me sad make me give me opportunities to feel broken... and I will NOT be moved!!!!
I listened to Beth Moore this morning and was laughing out loud. http://http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/living-proof-with-beth-moore/player/the-inheritance-dvd-1-of-9-162348.html
So heres what im thinking. Josh and I just keep having these realizations of what are life really looks like. I just sit with him and we name all we have on our plate and then try to figure out how the heck to stop it! Its great we have work; work is good but we are busy check life off a "to-do"list kinda people. Some of my friends marry there opposites and are balanced out by that, i am not. I am busy and Josh is busier. But God put us together and for that I am eternally grateful and He put us together so we would bring Him glory by learning and growing. How many times to i hear stories of people living in complete bliss only to find out they are divorced years later?? Ya we have had some crap to live through some serious cords have been bonded between us. So ya 10 yrs later here we are still growing:) thats right 10 yrs of prep time!!! All we have been through, listen to this 10 months after we started dating I got my cancer diagnoses. So for 13 almost 14 years we have lived this live in drama survival mode. Not many people I know start there marriages off in that mode. But that's my story, i own it. I love, love where we are now, what we learn how we grow. That doesn't mean i wake up every morning feeling amazing mushiness of overwhelming happiness and love for my husband. But gratefulness, and i look at him and see God's grace through him. We have been bonded by Christ and we someday will live together in heaven with no worries, no sickness, no business, but everlasting fun excitement and joy.
Time. Time on this earth is so short, it feels so unbearably long sometimes, but then, especially after kids, it flies by. So why do i worry, why do i wonder what God has planned with me?! As I see it, i see him using all he has given me to prep me for what is to come. The one major thing I learned this morning is that God did not say to his children "go forth and be good" he said go forth and believe in God, live in the faith that once you have given your life to him and he is your savior that you will spend ETERNITY (not now on earth)in complete perfection. This life is hard, but sometimes we make it harder. I just feel such a release taking off the expectations and burdens of guilt off my shoulders from this world and putting on his light load. His load is so light because it is one thing. Follow me. When im frustrated with my job he says, "just follow me", when im irritated with my family he says,"just follow me", when I feel burdened he says, "give me your load so you can more easily follow me". How do i do that? I let go. I literally have to change my mindset. One thing lately is embracing exactly how God created me, it wasn't a mistake. So my daughter is up now, and not amused im not paying 100% attention to her. And i just said, "honey you don't want to get in trouble because you are bored" So i think thats a good lesson for me to end my thoughts on for myself. I don't want to give into temptation bc i think in my "eeyore" head..."well this is my life... this is how its supposed to be... i have to serve others.... be a slave to my family.....i have to follow the bible....i have to be pefect, i have to just do good and be good" nope. thats not living. thats not Godly living, thats the worlds' perception on what it means be a christian, boring rules boring life. Thats not how i feel- i feel thankfull i feel blessed i feel so excited for where God has brought me and my eternity with him. I feel, for the first time in a long time, able to put things in perspective and live, i just want to LIVE!!!
Gods heiress,
laura

oh motherhood

Hi! Well a few things before I get started on my thoughts of the day. I just have to say first off that if you have never had a mixed berry"power crunch" protein bar, you have not lived. You know those wafers cookies that have cream in them that are chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry? Well these bars taste like those AND have a white chocolate coating, i think they have 14gr protein and only 5 or 3 gr of sugar. ALL the flavors are good and you can get them at HyVee. Also, on my journey I have now had the weirdest thing ever 0sugar 0carb 0fat salad dressing. this one was chipolte ranch, so its kinda good, probably as can be expected but all day i have a taste like i smoked a cig and/or drank a pot of unflavored bad coffee. Not cool, maybe there was liquid smoke or something in it to give it that taste??oh well, that is what gum is for i guess. So ya, going good on my new habits of eating, I just made my family linguine with cheese/marinara sauce and shrimp so im not gonna lie, it looked good and makes me a little sad to know i wont be eating it tonight. But its not forever. :) Have you ever heard the saying "will that taste as good as fitting into your jeans will feel?" I think its a weight watchers statement who knows, but it is so true and a good realization for me. I just so excited about all these things that are coming into play. Our last year has been full of so many decisions and struggles that it is good to be on the "figuring stuff out" side.
In all honesty just like any other time, the one thing that struggles as I dive into a new project, my devotional time. I was at the grocery store, calling clients, at work, oops my daughter didn't have her swimsuit quick ran and got that too daycare, back to work, now home to make supper, then back to work until 9pm. So why didn't I get up early this morning and just do it first thing?! same reason i always make, I don't have to be to work until later so i'll have plenty of time later. Well, i don't want to fall into that rut again. I have a problem multitasking, and yes i said problem. Its no longer a super hero trait as i once assumed. Im realizing if I'm somewhere i need to be ALL there. Not 10 different places. Im a little nervous about kindergarten starting for that reason alone. that i will forget to make mya do her homework, forget to pack her lunch, etc. well, that actually has been my worst fear creeping in lately. mentally I feel a little overtook by my worry about this world gobbling up my little girl. She can have such strong thoughts and view points and is so mature for her age, but the second a 7 yr old girl, any older girl in her mind is so much cool, ask her to do something naughty she'd be all over it. Well at least thats what my mind says. This is just all worse bc her and I have butted heads for two days, eye rolling, talking back, being sassy, you know the "girl" drill. Last night she was crying bc i said we couldn't go get a movie before we do her hair(it takes a good hour to do her hair) bc that was her consequence for the way she was acting ( and oh, she drew a calendar on her wall in pen for her "class" she was teaching) Well huge tears and murmurings of how she doesn't want to be sassy and she can't stop crying bc she is just so sad about not getting a movie. oh my. I just feel like at any moment i could loose her to her attitude. I pray for God to continue to move in her heart and he answers me in small moments of the wise things, spiritual things, she says to me. So going into this school thing i will have to be on my prayer "A" game. Josh and I love the book "gospel powered parenting" by william p. farley. And one of the biggest things for me to remember is that there is nothing we can do to give salvation to our children, thats between God and them. But it is about us living it out and giving them the tools to deal with all this world shoves at them. We protect as we feel needed to a certain point and then when something comes up we look at it a learning moment. Also, I need to remember instead of being such a rule monger-is that a word?- or so bent on her being perfect that I remember to deal more with heart issues than little things. but im learning, for instance i said no to the justin bieber backpack but i said she could get a notebook with him on it. see how nice i am?!?! but i mean seriously she's five!! but whatever i heard his songs and there kinda cute and not in bad taste, so im cool with this fan favorite :) ugh, i love being a momma but this job is never done is it? ask any women with kids out of the house, you just never stop worrying. Thankfully I have an amazing perspective from adoption being that my children are truly from God given to me here on earth to raise and to teach Jesus to them. ultimately they are his and in HIS hands, thankfully!! Just like I am adopted into His family so are we all when we give our lives to him and except what he did when he sent his son here to die for us! wow never can I imagine sending my child to die in place of this world in all its scariness and perversion. Thank you Jesus for my children and for this amazing responsibility you have given me. Thank you that you knew I was the perfect choice to mother Mya and Payton. You know all their traits and downfalls and also all there strengths and abilities, please help me to encourage these and to always give you room to move and to work in there lives. Help me to step out of my own way.

laura

An EPIC Day

Major things can happen in one day huh?! I had quite the epic day yesterday. You know how sometimes you can just sit at the edge of cliff for some time and then one day a breeze comes across and just pushes you off? Well here it is. Before I begin my story I have to say I feel pretty amazing about all this but that's not how it started.

So if I haven't said before, I'm a hairstylist. In the world of the salon though you do hair, you rarely get your own hair done. You touch up here and there, you get by you grab someone when you can. Definitely not a nice sit down get pampered experience. I have needed something new for awhile and had thought and thought and looked and looked. But have had my hair growing for years now so knew i didn't want to cut it. So i decided to go from darker to lighter, ish. Well for some reason since i booked my apt a week ago and it looked like there was room in the salon for a nice amount of time, i thought it would be a nice process. But i really should've know better esp. on a friday. So ok ill speed this up, when you are going lighter from dark you always have the risk of damage. That said, after washing my hair out and in between clients and sitting and mixing and all the commotion, i took a minute and went to the back room to comb out my wet hair before the next stage. Also, this is like an hour past i was supposed to pick up my kiddos (i promised my daughter we would go to lunch). As i was by myself starring in the mirror, i had on no makeup and after staring at myself in sweat pants for an hour and just plain feeling ugly, i began combing. I began pulling out comb fulls of hair after comb fulls of hair. It was like chemo all over, i was in shock. I began crying and hyperventilating thinking through what i would do. everyone was booked and no one even had time to finish my hair let alone FIX my hair!!! I had to stop combing and just stand and cry.....My blanket, the one thing about me that felt pretty lately my long hair was going to be gone. After a few nice words and a hug from our massage therapist i composed my red eyes grabbed my phone. My good friend also does hair and i called her and she said to come right over, she had some time. Thank you God. I almost ran out and began driving and praying. "ok God maybe it is time maybe you have a plan". when i walked in her eyes were hilarious, she thought i was over reacting, nope.... not so much. Immediately it was so calming to see her. Her and i have been friends for over 10 yrs and have been through many "life" events on both our ends. Our friendship has paused and come back stronger through Christ and we have both grown so much but I love seeing God work on her and her heart. Her attitude calmed me down and we began cutting, like 8 inches by 8 inches cutting, then coloring to go back dark, then cutting some more then cutting some more. But do you know I wasn't thinking about the hair anymore. We had a chance to catch up, to talk peacefully in a quiet atmosphere about where our hearts are, what was going on and how God was moving in our lives. And then it happened. I looked in the mirror and realized i had my trendy look of short stylish hair back. Yep first I got my purse, now I was getting my style back. I was looking at my reflection and it was like this horrible blanket of the dark last year had been lifted, who's body is this?!?! i asked next. this isn't me. this isn't how i treat Gods temple, its not about weight its about a complete disregard to care for myself bc im too overstressed to take time to care. its me letting my past creep in and take over my mind of self destruction and loathing of hopelessness. NO MORE. I drove over, immediately after thanking and singing praises to my dear friend,to my old doctors building where I have in the past done an eating plan. Im ready to take a month(to start) and kick this habit. Im ready to be Laura again.


Im brought to tears just saying that. I wish i could express how hard it is to loose yourself and then slowly see God bring your smile back, bring your hope back, bring who he made you to be out. its not about a purse or hair or body fat, its about closing myself out, putting myself into the darkness bc i thought it was more comfortable here. ITS NOT!!! this verse reigns in my head the last two weeks "I am the way the truth and the light" NOT "food is the way, or clothes are the way, or perfection, I-God. It popped in my head and has been continuing to remind me that all my other ways are not going to last, all my other roads to happiness are not going to always follow through. This world will fade away, God will reign forever.





yep all this from a haircut:) Maybe God continue to be full amazing moments in my life, amazing revelations as I study His word and listen to the spirit. And thank you, thank you God for ALL the amazing friends in my life!!!

May you reflect on you life through Gods eyes,

Laura

too many thoughts.... must blog now!!!

(i don't have time to grammer check this so good luck!!)well I wasn't going to write this morning but i feel i need to get this stuff out that is bogging my mind. I was such a Debbie Downer yesterday, one of those mornings. first off no sleep which never starts your day right. Charles Stanley said beware and H.A.L.T (maybe he didn't invent it but that's where i heard it) beware of lurking temptation when you are H-ungery A-angy L-onely T-ired. After i read it i was like "ok when am i NOT hungry angry lonely or tired?!?!" anyway, a crabby sick teething 15 month old seemed to not sleep much and also a sick 5 yr old with allergies coughing all night and then up early. meltdowns at hyvee trying to get a few errands done in 110 degree humidity- all leads to hopeless thoughts on my end.


Sometimes I just get so tired of false hopes. So this week i started at the gym again since my month of from sickness, allergy break out and yes, my staph infection boil(which by the way... still not gone, its like my new appendage) so i work out just running no big deal, eat fairly well, much better during the day not super at night but still better, and yep... gained 3 pounds. Seriously if anyone tells me im gaining muscle i'll jump through the computer, bc thats what my husband has said to me and now he won't say that again :) then im exhausted and think oh for once i'll take a nap bc i think both kids should nap: one is asleep in car, one will fall asleep when we get home. nope, 5 yr old settled and sleeping then the baby wakes up and cries for and hour. maybe longer. ok shrug it off, well once i get moving and everyone is up things start to turn around and we made some food and then i was off to work, im not gonna lie, i was a little excited i had to work!


but heres my false promises problem. when you are in the doctor realm most of your life you get really negative when people promise you fixes and the things is the other guy offers you his just as strongly. aaahhhh how do you know!? Now we are trying to deal with my daughters allergies and I know we can do it, but after a year and lots of money, of one thing we are on to the next. My husband said this to me "you always get so excited about things and then are so let down" OK now later he realized that that was a little harsh :) but here's' what i've learned about myself: you know, i am happy with how God made me. I do get passionate about things, it gets things going I just need to not have my expectations too high for worldly things. And I am a women, yes that should've been obvious, but I think i am realizing that is more than external and embracing the emotions and desires in my heart.
I am slowly being torn from my old staples of cute clothes, high heeled shoes, purse shopping and trendy hair. That doesn't mean I wont still enjoy those things I think that God blesses us with hobbies, but not for us to confuse them with passions or idols. So right now, my boil, my extra flabby arms, my flat orthopedic shoes, my old clothes, and WAAAITT i just got a new purse for my birthday!!! see?!?! im slowly coming out of it!! oh i new writing this blog this morning would help separate my thoughts:) i just read that last line and its sounds superficial but i think thats ok bc everything in this earth is superficial. God meets ALL my expectations, he fills my love tank FULL, he NEVER has false promises! my itching ears may want to some days hear what this world has to say and think its truth but if its not in the bible if its not from Gods lips to my heart its not worth getting my hopes up. Heaven, heaven is worth getting my hopes up!!!! ok off to my day! even though we(my daughter) did the nebulizer this morning at 6am i still went to the gym for 1/2 hour which normally i would give up, not go to gym and eat bad all day, nope not today :)