ummm.... yaay?!

Well, 4 day countdown to kindergarten!! Today, I have decided to spend some time with just my daughter. We are going to do a smoothing treatment to her hair, pack her backpack, label items to take for open house tonight, go to the grocery store and get stuff for lunches next week. Now if I could just stop coughing and blowing my nose long enough to enjoy these things, that would be great. A 5 week cold is not really been the best for my attitude but hopefully this is the last week. My mind is racing with anxieties about next week. I am more and more finding out I just am not in full mom mode, I don't even know what that means. I think I just look around at what other people do and if I don't do that I think I don't know what im doing.
I don't have bins for after school projects, pictures hanging on my walls of their artwork, probably even many pictures in the book from this last year. Honestly i don't remember the last set of pictures i even developed. I did force myself to scrapbook one time for each of them, but I have to tell you i didn't really enjoy it, i just wanted it done. Like it was on some big "MOM" checklist. Im just having such a hard time enjoying life right now.
So today is also the day, the 10 year anniversary!! So, ya. Those exclamation marks are about as much excitement i can muster. I mean, I just feel so numb, so numb to time. My mind is so foggy and the past years seem to have been some other life I lived. I feel thankful to were God has brought me and my family but I wish I just had a overwhelming of joy. I kinda feel like im doing what im supposed to be doing, but only bc im supposed to be doing it. I was reading in "feminine appeal" yesterday and the author was talking about enjoying and loving our children(also our husbands). How God looks/sees them(children) and how He words it in Psalm 127. He uses words "heritage, fruit, reward, arrows. and then says, blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them" aaahh, the word quiver, i keep hearing people keep say that now i know what it means, its that thing that holds the arrows for the bow hunter. So I get the relation of our children being arrows in our quiver now. We keep them and then shoot them out into this world. I just don't think I can truly grasp how God cherishes them so much and uses my own children to shape me.
Yesterday, was overwhelming with neediness. I was tired and sick and there was short naps or no naps, whining, and relentless, "I want i want i want!!" and to top it off a busy husband until 8pm. Lately, we have been trying a schedule with me at work less and home more, but sometimes I feel like that has been more work. Probably bc motherhood is more work. Seriously it would be easier for me to go back to work full time and just do more daycare again. It's a soul battle right now. I personally have been led to this for the past 6 months to a a year, but I fight it, bc I don't think i can handle it. I don't swoon over how its been so great to be at home more. Or boast at much I've gotten done. If anything I feel more behind, my house is always a mess, I am running around more, Im squeezing in all my appointments on days i work so i have daycare and spending more money on groceries. Also, now the guilt and sin of comparison kicks in. Do you know how many blogs and websites are dedicated to "helping" moms, cutting coupons, doing activities with your kids, raising your kids, what they should watch or shouldn't watch, how to react to anything they do. TOO MANY!! and i just sit and look at it or read it or get magazines about it and im just done, im exhausted before i start. So this is one area I am in prayer about now. In the quiet moments, i get it. Last night I was prepping mya's hair for today and then she was finishing her sleeping beauty movie and i just stared at her, so beautiful so young, just a child...love was easy to feel. So I am trying to remember and feel those moments in the midst of my day. I know God has given me these children. Right now I know that I can handle no more than these two bc God does not give us more than we can handle, and He wants me to enjoy these two! oh and my husband :) which we are all working on, so who knows what the next 10 years will entail, but for now I need to focus. Focus on God, what the bible says about being a wife/mom, stay of the Internet for moms, and just get through my day. My biggest goal is to be were i am. When im at work, do work. When im at home, no work. Which is really hard bc I use my cell phone as business for appointments. So this is always a fine line. Dang, why can't it just be like Laura Ingalls Wilder days. well, minus the outhouses. But that is not how the world works. The world will continue to get busier with more technology claiming to make our lives more simple yet making us crazy and way to available to be robbed of time. God doesn't promise our lives to be simple or this world to ever get better. We need to be able to live in this world but need to fill ourselves with the Word and His strength more. He gives us HIS son to cleanse us and then gives us the promise of his strength while we are in this world and while the world gets worse our home in heaven is being prepared and it IS perfect.
So, "God help me to enjoy my children. To love my husband. To let myself use the tools you gave me to raise our children without guilt of comparison to others. Let me see my strengths and use them to glorify YOU!!" amen
Well, here we go the fam is waking up cell phones are ringing, tv is being turned on, breakfast is being asked for. It will be a good day though. God has delivered us this far he will not let go now.
laura