Well, monday morning here I am :) Kinda some deep stuff running through my short haired head this morning. Something I keep thinking about is something that was over 10 years ago coming up here on aug 18th is Josh and my 10 year anniversary!! Along with that comes many memories. Many seem like a different life. Many are not like other stories of happy dating memories and beautiful newlywed years. Im actually having a small anxiety attack just writing these first lines. You see I tend forget these things or shall I say block them out. But lately I look at my husband and think "who is this man i married?" "what is going on, is this my life?" so let me explain this. What got me thinking was that we were thinking back to while we were dating over 14 years ago and saying why we started dating each other. Then he said "ya, you are not the same person you were before cancer" which of course being a women sent off a small lioness in my mind ready to attack into a small sermon about how mean that was, but then I realized it was a compliment. :) We only dated 8 months in high school before I graduated and then 2 months later I was diagnosed with colon cancer. From that point on and for 13 more years to come our lives have NOT been the same. 18 year old dating couples shouldn't have to visit one another in the hospital, travel to other cities for surgeries and worry about if that person will make it to the day or not. Then after 4 years of dating we have the most amazing wedding, bc we are ready to move on. "ok, trial over, lets move on" but the problem early on in our youth is not having the know how to work through any of our soul issues, just cover them up and move on. Josh was not a christian at that time but God was working on his heart. And we just had all our marital issues on hold, we just had to many other "issues" to work through. Our first two years of marriage I would just freely give away to anyone who asked. Its kinda like our youth got stolen, our independence was taken away from my cancer and then we rebelled against that but did it on our own terms. We had no idea what we were doing. We fought like cats and dogs and had no idea how to love under non-traumatic circumstances. But God had a plan, and 10 years later I am allowing myself to see that. One time that sticks out in my mind is when I said something to Josh in what I thought was my normal tone/voice, and he got really mad and later said that I was extremely sassy and disrespectful. I answered that was just how i talked :) who knew, that wasn't actually the way I talked but I was completely unaware that there was anything about myself I would need to change to be in a marriage. No seriously!! We had 80's videos for our pre-marital counseling and im pretty sure laughed or slept through most of them. Then not to far into our marriage, new jobs, new town, began more surgeries. Our rebellion against working on our marriage and our lives together was again put on hold. And for probably 8 years after there just has always been some reason for us to put that work on hold. But wow, to look at what God has done individually in our lives is beyond words. When I look back to myself before I had cancer I was a typical rebellious teenager, one who was given Godly principals but did not get how that applied to me or my life. Now that i look back at cancer, hard marriage issues, hard personal issues, is nothing- i mean NOTHING compared to what God has shown me in how He loves me, how He can use me for His glory, how He can change me lovingly and how that was for my own good not just for my marriage. You see I talk to my husband now with a respect I didn't know i had in me. I deal with my kids with patience i didn't know existed. I though all that stuff just came to you when you got married and had kids. But now I realize that until I completely gave it to God and started using his principals in marriage and in life He engraves in on your/my heart. The difference between knowing Godly principals and living them.
I always knew when i woke up from surgery my super hero josh would be waiting for me, what i didn't know is that in the years to come with my scarred body, scarred and bruised soul that he would still be here loving me and patiently waiting for me. Now trust me he has his own story for personal growth, i'll let him blog about that someday:) But this is my story, I have to relive it so I can see that he made a choice. I used to be bitter that he was such a super hero bc our lives at home didn't feel like such a love story of a 18yr olds to stay together through thick and thin. I thought he would look to much like the bad guy to break up with a girl who had cancer. Here's what he says about that--- "i was given two options: to stay with you and live through a forever life changing event, sickness, and emotions- or break up with the woman I love and forever feel a gap in my life." --- turns out the life changing events have been hard, so hard- but eternally amazing!
I love that Im not the same girl I was before, I love who God has grown me to be and how I continue to see his plan. We seem to want to hold onto who we were bc we are scared. Scared we will have to do too much changing. We are afraid that WE can't do it or change what WE need to. Truth is WE can't do it, thats what faith is. Faith in Jesus Christ changing us into who created us to be. We all at some point in our lives have a decision to make. Until we give our lives to God our souls are dead, we need Jesus to breath life into them. We are created to need him! Before then we can't change because we can't see how to. Oh how i wish i had 10 or probably 50 pages to give more detail into how much work He has done in my life. And thank God for being the third party in my marriage, I can't imagine we would ever have made it even 10 years if He was not.
So I will continue to learn how to love my husband but I will not try to go back and be the person I was when we where dating, I don't ever want that pre-cancer Laura back: this is who I am this is where God has brought me and I'd rather be here in his arms STRONG then on my own WEAK!!!
may God speak to your inner most heart today and remeber that we can't let go of hurt until we let God deal with it, let Jesus' blood cover it.
laura
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Monday, August 15, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
I just wanna LIVE!
ahhh back at my morning hours... love it... almost didn't get up.... almost didn't meet God in this hour before my house stirs.... what i would've missed. I mean im just gonna dive right in this morning. my fingers are messing up im so excited.
right now im listening to "i will not be moved" by natalie grant. my scream in the car, cry to God song, "on the Christ the solid ground i stand all other ground is sinking sand" how many times in my life has satan been right there to make me whine make me sad make me give me opportunities to feel broken... and I will NOT be moved!!!!
I listened to Beth Moore this morning and was laughing out loud. http://http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/living-proof-with-beth-moore/player/the-inheritance-dvd-1-of-9-162348.html
So heres what im thinking. Josh and I just keep having these realizations of what are life really looks like. I just sit with him and we name all we have on our plate and then try to figure out how the heck to stop it! Its great we have work; work is good but we are busy check life off a "to-do"list kinda people. Some of my friends marry there opposites and are balanced out by that, i am not. I am busy and Josh is busier. But God put us together and for that I am eternally grateful and He put us together so we would bring Him glory by learning and growing. How many times to i hear stories of people living in complete bliss only to find out they are divorced years later?? Ya we have had some crap to live through some serious cords have been bonded between us. So ya 10 yrs later here we are still growing:) thats right 10 yrs of prep time!!! All we have been through, listen to this 10 months after we started dating I got my cancer diagnoses. So for 13 almost 14 years we have lived this live in drama survival mode. Not many people I know start there marriages off in that mode. But that's my story, i own it. I love, love where we are now, what we learn how we grow. That doesn't mean i wake up every morning feeling amazing mushiness of overwhelming happiness and love for my husband. But gratefulness, and i look at him and see God's grace through him. We have been bonded by Christ and we someday will live together in heaven with no worries, no sickness, no business, but everlasting fun excitement and joy.
Time. Time on this earth is so short, it feels so unbearably long sometimes, but then, especially after kids, it flies by. So why do i worry, why do i wonder what God has planned with me?! As I see it, i see him using all he has given me to prep me for what is to come. The one major thing I learned this morning is that God did not say to his children "go forth and be good" he said go forth and believe in God, live in the faith that once you have given your life to him and he is your savior that you will spend ETERNITY (not now on earth)in complete perfection. This life is hard, but sometimes we make it harder. I just feel such a release taking off the expectations and burdens of guilt off my shoulders from this world and putting on his light load. His load is so light because it is one thing. Follow me. When im frustrated with my job he says, "just follow me", when im irritated with my family he says,"just follow me", when I feel burdened he says, "give me your load so you can more easily follow me". How do i do that? I let go. I literally have to change my mindset. One thing lately is embracing exactly how God created me, it wasn't a mistake. So my daughter is up now, and not amused im not paying 100% attention to her. And i just said, "honey you don't want to get in trouble because you are bored" So i think thats a good lesson for me to end my thoughts on for myself. I don't want to give into temptation bc i think in my "eeyore" head..."well this is my life... this is how its supposed to be... i have to serve others.... be a slave to my family.....i have to follow the bible....i have to be pefect, i have to just do good and be good" nope. thats not living. thats not Godly living, thats the worlds' perception on what it means be a christian, boring rules boring life. Thats not how i feel- i feel thankfull i feel blessed i feel so excited for where God has brought me and my eternity with him. I feel, for the first time in a long time, able to put things in perspective and live, i just want to LIVE!!!
Gods heiress,
laura
right now im listening to "i will not be moved" by natalie grant. my scream in the car, cry to God song, "on the Christ the solid ground i stand all other ground is sinking sand" how many times in my life has satan been right there to make me whine make me sad make me give me opportunities to feel broken... and I will NOT be moved!!!!
I listened to Beth Moore this morning and was laughing out loud. http://http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/living-proof-with-beth-moore/player/the-inheritance-dvd-1-of-9-162348.html
So heres what im thinking. Josh and I just keep having these realizations of what are life really looks like. I just sit with him and we name all we have on our plate and then try to figure out how the heck to stop it! Its great we have work; work is good but we are busy check life off a "to-do"list kinda people. Some of my friends marry there opposites and are balanced out by that, i am not. I am busy and Josh is busier. But God put us together and for that I am eternally grateful and He put us together so we would bring Him glory by learning and growing. How many times to i hear stories of people living in complete bliss only to find out they are divorced years later?? Ya we have had some crap to live through some serious cords have been bonded between us. So ya 10 yrs later here we are still growing:) thats right 10 yrs of prep time!!! All we have been through, listen to this 10 months after we started dating I got my cancer diagnoses. So for 13 almost 14 years we have lived this live in drama survival mode. Not many people I know start there marriages off in that mode. But that's my story, i own it. I love, love where we are now, what we learn how we grow. That doesn't mean i wake up every morning feeling amazing mushiness of overwhelming happiness and love for my husband. But gratefulness, and i look at him and see God's grace through him. We have been bonded by Christ and we someday will live together in heaven with no worries, no sickness, no business, but everlasting fun excitement and joy.
Time. Time on this earth is so short, it feels so unbearably long sometimes, but then, especially after kids, it flies by. So why do i worry, why do i wonder what God has planned with me?! As I see it, i see him using all he has given me to prep me for what is to come. The one major thing I learned this morning is that God did not say to his children "go forth and be good" he said go forth and believe in God, live in the faith that once you have given your life to him and he is your savior that you will spend ETERNITY (not now on earth)in complete perfection. This life is hard, but sometimes we make it harder. I just feel such a release taking off the expectations and burdens of guilt off my shoulders from this world and putting on his light load. His load is so light because it is one thing. Follow me. When im frustrated with my job he says, "just follow me", when im irritated with my family he says,"just follow me", when I feel burdened he says, "give me your load so you can more easily follow me". How do i do that? I let go. I literally have to change my mindset. One thing lately is embracing exactly how God created me, it wasn't a mistake. So my daughter is up now, and not amused im not paying 100% attention to her. And i just said, "honey you don't want to get in trouble because you are bored" So i think thats a good lesson for me to end my thoughts on for myself. I don't want to give into temptation bc i think in my "eeyore" head..."well this is my life... this is how its supposed to be... i have to serve others.... be a slave to my family.....i have to follow the bible....i have to be pefect, i have to just do good and be good" nope. thats not living. thats not Godly living, thats the worlds' perception on what it means be a christian, boring rules boring life. Thats not how i feel- i feel thankfull i feel blessed i feel so excited for where God has brought me and my eternity with him. I feel, for the first time in a long time, able to put things in perspective and live, i just want to LIVE!!!
Gods heiress,
laura
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