Letting go....

Well here I am, morning of my baby's first day of school. Im ready, im ready to have it over :) My stress level has been way to high this week, totally self induced im sure. She is ready, her excitement runeth over. Yesterday i made her run around the sidewalk two times before we left for church she was bouncing all over the place. So here we go, releasing my child into Gods arms fully. So silly, bc she has went to daycare most her life, but so much has changed in my own life and how I parent that now I think I just recognize more this new phase of life.... a phase where she begins to take things on herself, I need to put my own fears away and help, encourage, love, and most of all pray her through hers.
This weekend started out pretty rough starting on Frid. its just like all my fears where brought to the forefront of my mind. Mostly my life where it is now as I start to work less and mother more. Start to love my husband more and be guarded less. This may sound like something natural that just comes to a women but it is not for me. Most of my "adult" life has been from one scary thing to another, but it always gave me a reason to be guarded and in reality not deal with situations and walk through them but fall back on the love that came from people bc they felt sorry for me. My heart is learning how to grow and not be scared of relationships that are real and pure. I mostly would like to please everyone. At one time, maybe still, I was pretty sure that my reason for being on this earth was to run around pleasing everyone. That leaves my soul pretty empty. That hit me on Friday and I was sure that God messed up giving me this job of being a mom and wife. It all looks to hard written on paper. Too much responsibility to much expectation. But from who?!?! Not from my husband. Not from my kids. NOT from God.
I am starting to see that now as I take a step back. I also am so grateful for the friends God has given me to pray me through these times. Encouraging me to just stop, just take a break from my own thoughts and to live through this moment. No more comparison for just one day. I don't remember a time I had a more amazing date with my husband than what we had on sat. I felt relaxed, I had fun. No big deal just dinner and a movie. But I put my guard down and let him loves me like he has wanted to for 10 years. I stopped thinking that he expects something from me. I stopped thinking he thought i was failure, a let down, a bad mom, a women who has let herself go. All these things are lies I tell myself and then put on him. Im done, I give my fears to God, he can heal them.
Here's what I learned this morning. 1 Corinthians 2:9-10 "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit." I have no idea what God has planned for me. But I do know it is way beyond what I can do by my own accord. God has given let me feel fear so I can feel his peace. Bc as I go on in this journey of life and seeing who has created me, I need him lead me through things I think I can not handle. I am exactly who I am for a reason. My past is exactly as it should be. Nothing in my nature makes me think that the role I should play is a mom. It doesn't seem important to me, I feel like Im doing nothing for God. I feel like I should be doing more. In reality im just scared of it. Now I am realizing that when i feel fear about something that is when I most need to pursue it. Not second guess what God has laid on my heart. He has prepared something for me that I can not conceive, that means I need to trust him.
So here we go, I am continually learning that not matter how old I am I am always learning lessons, still growing. But praise God I am exactly where He wants me, how exciting!! I am done thinking that one good day means I will have a week of bad. I will NOT be afraid a letting myself be loved or happy or released of these burdens I put on myself. Just I have had some years of bad that does not mean God didn't use those times to allow some amazing growth and now I just need to let me heart heal and retrain it to completely follow Him, and listen to Him speak to and through me. Jesus loves me this i know!!!
So now to fill my heart with some mommy time. ok not crying not crying not crying!! Im off to make some protein pancakes for my littly mya. ssshhh, she doesn't know they are healthy she just likes them. Her backpack and hello kitty lunch box is ready to go with her favs for her first day, her outfit is hung up, her hair is braided and her heart is full of so many prayers she has no choice but to show God through her amazing smile and personality. She is my daughter. She is Gods' gift and now she will shine His light to this world. I know his plans are amazing for her and I will continue to let him walk me through MY fears so that I can help her (and then payton) walk through hers, leaning not on me, but on her savior.
Good luck to all you moms this week!!!! you have my prayers!!!
laura