Hello my friends! Is it ok that I am such a random blogger?? Well I guess there are no "rules" huh? Well none the less this week has been less than blog worthy. It may have sounded like this, "waa, waa, why me, waa, waa, still why me???"
So I'm slightly less biased and bitter today so I will fill you in and get a little perspective for myself. Also I should warn you there is a "soap-box" at the end of this blog today but it will hopefully be inspiring instead of annoying or mean.
Well Sunday night I got sick again with what seemed to be the flu. Now, for a normal person no biggie but this is my 4th time having to go get IV fluids in the past, well under 6 months. That is not cool in my book or my checkbook. So I felt it coming on and thought I would be pro-active about it. At 1:30 am when Payton came into our room bc he once again woke up crying and I couldn't hardly lift him up to bed I went over to my poor delirious husband and told him I was off to the ER to get fluids, and well let's be honest we both had busy work days on Monday. When I returned home at 5:45 am and slept a 1/2 hour only to get up and try to get kids ready, husband already gone by 7. Let's just say the pain meds kept me pretty "on it", I was thinking I felt pretty good. Well I took more to get through my work day but continued to have "flu like" symptoms all day.
I will spare you the day by day, mostly because I feel writing down everything I have felt this horrible week is only for justification in what I already know I feel: anger, resentment, fear, discouragement.
I will tell you that I also found out on tues of this week via a laser allergy testing that I have sensitivity to yeast, all nuts, and egg yolks. Not so harsh until I looked it up online. So I did what every respectable well put together women would do- I melted down to my husband about my horrible stupid body and the fact that it seems every day every week we don't know what's going to hit us over the head. The feeling of pity was beyond overwhelming this time. Waking up every day and barely making to the bathroom with out sitting down with exhaustion and then knowing what was ahead of me for the day was just exactly that, overwhelming. My body literaly living on "E" (or empty if that didn't make sense in your head like it did mine).
Finally, yesterday I wasn't getting any better eating only brocolli and quinoa all day (because that's all I had in my fridge that fit the "rules" of this newly found sensitivity, and no one has time (or I don't have energy to leave the house) to go grocery shopping. I realized the test said "sensitive" not "allergic". Now I have noticed peanuts or peanut butter and lately almonds rip what I have of intestine up. But, as for egg yolks? never noticed. The yeast thing I can see, mostly bc of how I feel after eating carbs and sugar with either have yeast or produce it(also milk but not so much cheese). So for the fact that NOTHING was staying in my body and eating a bare minimum wasn't cutting it ate some raisin bran minus most the raisins (so I could get some bran stuck in my system- this is what you have to do with an ileostomy) and some yeast free 3 ingredient chip with a little organic cheese shredded on it. Went fine. Last night I even took Mya to dance and managed to "fake" my way of feeling well in public. I tend to overdue it in public when Im sick, because I'm fake like that. If I sit around and sulk or don't talk everyone just thinks Im being a, well B* or Im mad at them. Now today I have had some eggs (full egg) and bacon. went fine. Some seaseme rice crackers with sunflower butter, then some chicken with cheese and those chips again. Again, not ideal but this is my current fridge. Anyway, overreaction I think may be how I would describe this week. A smart normal calm Laura, the wise women God talks about in the bible would have done this (and had much less to blog about ( : ) Gotten sick, taken the WHOLE week of work and trusted God would provide financially. Put word out to friends and grandmas that I needed help with the kids dud to Josh's schedule and my sickness. Then eat smart and rest. ok, you can go ahead and hold me accountable to that next time :)
Now, here's the thing. I couldn't help but think this week. Two things. Why do I have to hate everything healthy (well mostly). I get so excited about eating vegetables and in a group of people I will most likely act happy to talk about them and pretend to love them! "oh you make lasagna out of squash, eggplant, spinach and zucchini ?? Yumm, I'll have to try that!" liar, I really don't want to I want to make lasagna with meat, 3 different cheeses and sauce. "oh, you just eat some meat and quick roast some veggies for supper?? That is such a good idea!!" nope lie again. I am a casserole girl, always have been. When you see me eating hummus and carrots just know I'd rather be eating chips dipped in cheese sauce. I just blew my cover, sigh*. Second thing is this, why do we have to be so bad to our bodies? I will say this, I enjoy trying to feed my family organically. What we can afford at least. But other than that I sway to the side of unhealthy, its habitual im sure. But now, I see people smoke or eating fast food and I want or getting nothing but pop and processed food at the grocery store and I want to tackle them and scream "what are you doing?!?!?!" do you want to see my stomach? (ok that would be soo weird and SUCH a good social experiment) do you want to see the scares of all my surgeries and let me tell you about the repercussions of radiation and chemotherapy!!" Am I saying we can stop cancer? to a point of giving ourselves knowledge I say "yes". I believe God foresaw my entire life and this is my path but that does not mean he couldn't have done amazing things had I had a different path. Anyway, this is not judgmental as I have said this would BE me if had not done research attended meetings and been given the knowledge I was given about real food, im just saying for you and your childrens sake: look at the ingredients of your food, think about being sick on your sickest of days and imagine living with that for the rest of your life. whew, that's kinda a big deal to say. I already feel bad about saying it but hopefully you read it with love. I honestly don't wish caner or the repercussions of it on my worst enemy.
Well, this is it for me know. If you would please continue to pray for me. I don't know if I have the longest flu bug ever, or if what my worst case scenario is coming true: that something is wrong with my already barely existent intestine. hopefully I talk to you soon and have amazing news. Please know this. God is more than good, people are helping with my kids, bringing us food and when I paid bills this morning magically I think we will be able to handle them, no, not magically- God's provision through our letting go has been truly amazing.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
yes there still is a God :)
Well I was going to listen to a devotional this morning but I think this is where I need to be. I wanted share something that has been playing over and over in my head. You know one of those situations you wish you said something but didn't? Well in my case it was while I was getting my IV in last week so i'm giving myself a little slack from the dizziness ;) So the nurse says to me( as he is just taking his last final jab before they call the ultrasound nurse and he gets it in), "there is still a God!" and then as if I didn't hear him the first time he says it again, "oh I guess there still is a God". And in my mind I'm thinking but not vocalizing at that point, "well if you would've missed or couldn't get it then would there NOT be a God??" I felt like after I felt better I wanted to call him back and have a solid theological conversation about his wavering belief system.
I will never forget going to a Mercy Me concert, excuse me for forgetting the title and for probably messing up the words to some extent, in one of their songs (I believe they wrote after the lead singers dad died)he talked about wondering how people would ask how he is so strong in his faith?! And he replies by saying that the one thing he can hold on to the one thing that remains and is unchanging is God, is his faith.
Now, this poor nurse just of course sparked something in me that really has a deeper meaning in my own life right now. I hate to rag on the guy, he was trying to be encouraging. I just wander when I see people going and listening to the "prosperous gospel" or "health and wealth" gospel, what it is that they believe if their prayers are answered "no" or in sickness or in death?? It really hits home in our family because if I ever get cancer again or even in our day to day dealings with it, my first response is NEVER "oh I wonder if there is a God?" I don't think God is a nice idea that we should put into a well rounded view of this world and creation, for an option. I believe that no matter what sickness, health, wealth, poverty, even and uncomfortable feeling about a political view..... God is God. That should be a very stabilizing and peaceful fact for believers because this world will always be changing "view points".
I was very encouraged by a friend the other day who just became a born again believer and I was torn up with happy-tug-at-my-core emotion. In the middle of our trials right now God has shown me his mighty hand. His hand that never stops working even though I am neutral. A hand that never grows weary even though I do. Josh's sunday school class went amazing last week (for adults) I sat in amazement at how God can change and use that man exactly how he needs to especially when it's waaay out of his comfort zone. I have to say last weekend with the kids gone and time to fill up on "marriage" time was very encouraging for us. I am feeling myself already slip after a couple days of work and dealing with some financial thoughts in my head and that is why I needed to write this for a reminder to ME today. God WILL walk us THROUGH this. Maybe not around it but we will see the other side. My prayer life has had a drastic change. Praying for strength and guidance instead of answers.
may God be God and may the bible confirm that for you today,
laura
I will never forget going to a Mercy Me concert, excuse me for forgetting the title and for probably messing up the words to some extent, in one of their songs (I believe they wrote after the lead singers dad died)he talked about wondering how people would ask how he is so strong in his faith?! And he replies by saying that the one thing he can hold on to the one thing that remains and is unchanging is God, is his faith.
Now, this poor nurse just of course sparked something in me that really has a deeper meaning in my own life right now. I hate to rag on the guy, he was trying to be encouraging. I just wander when I see people going and listening to the "prosperous gospel" or "health and wealth" gospel, what it is that they believe if their prayers are answered "no" or in sickness or in death?? It really hits home in our family because if I ever get cancer again or even in our day to day dealings with it, my first response is NEVER "oh I wonder if there is a God?" I don't think God is a nice idea that we should put into a well rounded view of this world and creation, for an option. I believe that no matter what sickness, health, wealth, poverty, even and uncomfortable feeling about a political view..... God is God. That should be a very stabilizing and peaceful fact for believers because this world will always be changing "view points".
I was very encouraged by a friend the other day who just became a born again believer and I was torn up with happy-tug-at-my-core emotion. In the middle of our trials right now God has shown me his mighty hand. His hand that never stops working even though I am neutral. A hand that never grows weary even though I do. Josh's sunday school class went amazing last week (for adults) I sat in amazement at how God can change and use that man exactly how he needs to especially when it's waaay out of his comfort zone. I have to say last weekend with the kids gone and time to fill up on "marriage" time was very encouraging for us. I am feeling myself already slip after a couple days of work and dealing with some financial thoughts in my head and that is why I needed to write this for a reminder to ME today. God WILL walk us THROUGH this. Maybe not around it but we will see the other side. My prayer life has had a drastic change. Praying for strength and guidance instead of answers.
may God be God and may the bible confirm that for you today,
laura
Saturday, September 8, 2012
I can't hear anything.....
Well good morning :) I feel like before I go on with my day I need to sit down and write my mind on paper. Or "type" my mind on a "computer" whatever let's not get technical here. As my children are gone this weekend as of last night and we are coming off of what seemed to be another week from hell, for bluntness, I have a lot to ponder. I must admit to you that I have several drafts on this blog not published bc they are just to personal to share or I haven't had time to finish them. The thing that is in my mind this morning is "how to obtain this peace that I feel, or at least to some extent, on a morning that my kids ARE here and my husband isn't gone yet to work?" Yes, I am less stressed this morning bc my husband is not here but don't jump to any conclusions. You know when you are married you feel as though you have two lives of burdens to heap on your shoulders? Right now I feel as though we both have exhausted ourselves of burdens and for me to even think or be present around his is too much to handle. Now keep in mind this is NOT what God calls us to in a marriage. NO ONE can take on burdens but our Lord. HIS yolk is light and that is what he calls us to carry. But I digress.....I don't have this one figured out so that's another day.
I got the flu of some sort this week, which for me means IV fluids at some point. I was doing good and even making myself work, drank a lot of water (coconut water even) and got lots of sleep. But lo and behold Thursday my body (through my ileostomy, sorry if TMI) lost all nutrition and hydration, as it does when I have any sort of sickness, through the night. I woke up and dizzy-ly/shaky-ly made lunches got kids ready and yes drove (what else could I do?) them to school/daycare. Where was my husband you ask? Well that's where our burdens overlap. He had to go to work early bc every job is overlapping each other and he has to fix things that got ordered wrong or went wrong from the day before, and if he doesn't it overlaps even more... more hours less pay, fun of owning a business. OK, here we go, sooooo I headed to the clinic for fluids. Let's sum this up by saying 2 hours,a nurse, a doc and 5 tries later they were sending me to the hospital to get fluids bc they couldn't find a vein. Then I arrive at so said hospital and (thank you Lord for drive up parking!) I stumbled to where I need to be, embarrassed that I had to tell the 80 yr old woman whom was escorting me upstairs to "slow down" :) THEN a hour later, a nurse and a nurse "pro" and 3 more tries later including one that has now made me look like a heroin addict, they found a vein!!! I just sat and talked to God and couldn't figure out one thing. If He knew, as I know he did, I would have all these struggles with surgeries and then IV's to follow in my life, why would he not give me the veins to withstand it??? I guess past chemo and then now being dehydrated doesn't help that. All that to say I spent from 8:30 am till pulling up to my house at 2pm, trying to just feel "somewhat" better, which I did not. I crashed on the couch, literally passed out and woke up at 2:55 to go get Mya from school.
Now, I know people get sick. I keep telling myself that. But I don't know how to write in words how all this makes me feel so exhausted and unable to handle my responsibilities. I have had intestinal or stomach and low back problems more and more frequently this year. I have headaches to follow which are almost worse than a stomachache. I feel like my body just isn't keeping up with my life. I am falling apart, literally!! When my doc asked how many actual surgeries I have and I said 11, I kinda almost shocked myself. Seriously?!? how am I functioning??? God is so good that Im alive and walking around this earth. But I don't understand how I have two kids to raise, a house that's too big to take care of ( im not bragging, it's big bc my husband built it, and apparently for no gain with the market being so bad) and a job that is part-time but seemingly full time as its my own business.
I'm just praying for release. I want to be happy about my life, I want to see the joy in what God has given me. But today I sit here in the silence of my home, and that is what brings me joy. People say I should have some me time or get back to the gym or spend time with friends... ALL that keeps getting taken away!! I'm so physically worn I can't make it to the gym at 530 am, which is the only time my schedule allows. When I plan things with friends it gets changed due to the fact that most my friends have kids or something gets changed. Me time?? that's so confusing. what the heck is that?? Well my doc says get two good nights of sleep, ok so who is going to take care of my 2 yr old son who gets out of bed at least one time a night??? Or my daughter who wakes up at 6:30am and refuses to not be loud or stay in her room?? I don't know how to explain how I feel at the end of the day, just tired.
I look just now at a couple walking there dogs, that to me would seem happy. I would just love for once to feel good or not be working to take my daughter to dance and know what's going on in that world, that would be happy. I would love to not run out of food in the middle of the week or spend time and money on good healthy food for suppers and not have time to prepare them, that would be happy. I would love to see my husband walk in the door after work and not have the look of death on his face... that would make me happy.
I am so sorry to have been the reality of doom and gloom today. I know that my joy should come from the Lord and I have to say I know my salvation and eternal living comes from Jesus and that security I have, but the joy I have lost. I cry out to him, "God we want to follow you we will change what do we need to do???" I can't hear anything....
these things Im praying for..
1. that i will figure out what is wrong with my stomach/intestines- is it an allergy??
2. that God would reveal to us what change we need to make in our life, and how practically we do that (ie: yes "laura quit your job" is easy to say but as I pay the bills and see the 0 balance every week that is not to practical)
3. that God will reveal himself so powerfully in my husbands life that he will have no fear in leading his family to a better place, where and whatever that may be.
I love you dear friends, whom ever is reading this. thank you for letting me vent and knowing I am not doing this to get your amazing comments of love and affirmation. However welcomed :) I need to write and cry and then cry some more and that helps me deal... you should try it ;)
IN HIM and only THROUGH HIM do I say "enjoy your day"
laura
I got the flu of some sort this week, which for me means IV fluids at some point. I was doing good and even making myself work, drank a lot of water (coconut water even) and got lots of sleep. But lo and behold Thursday my body (through my ileostomy, sorry if TMI) lost all nutrition and hydration, as it does when I have any sort of sickness, through the night. I woke up and dizzy-ly/shaky-ly made lunches got kids ready and yes drove (what else could I do?) them to school/daycare. Where was my husband you ask? Well that's where our burdens overlap. He had to go to work early bc every job is overlapping each other and he has to fix things that got ordered wrong or went wrong from the day before, and if he doesn't it overlaps even more... more hours less pay, fun of owning a business. OK, here we go, sooooo I headed to the clinic for fluids. Let's sum this up by saying 2 hours,a nurse, a doc and 5 tries later they were sending me to the hospital to get fluids bc they couldn't find a vein. Then I arrive at so said hospital and (thank you Lord for drive up parking!) I stumbled to where I need to be, embarrassed that I had to tell the 80 yr old woman whom was escorting me upstairs to "slow down" :) THEN a hour later, a nurse and a nurse "pro" and 3 more tries later including one that has now made me look like a heroin addict, they found a vein!!! I just sat and talked to God and couldn't figure out one thing. If He knew, as I know he did, I would have all these struggles with surgeries and then IV's to follow in my life, why would he not give me the veins to withstand it??? I guess past chemo and then now being dehydrated doesn't help that. All that to say I spent from 8:30 am till pulling up to my house at 2pm, trying to just feel "somewhat" better, which I did not. I crashed on the couch, literally passed out and woke up at 2:55 to go get Mya from school.
Now, I know people get sick. I keep telling myself that. But I don't know how to write in words how all this makes me feel so exhausted and unable to handle my responsibilities. I have had intestinal or stomach and low back problems more and more frequently this year. I have headaches to follow which are almost worse than a stomachache. I feel like my body just isn't keeping up with my life. I am falling apart, literally!! When my doc asked how many actual surgeries I have and I said 11, I kinda almost shocked myself. Seriously?!? how am I functioning??? God is so good that Im alive and walking around this earth. But I don't understand how I have two kids to raise, a house that's too big to take care of ( im not bragging, it's big bc my husband built it, and apparently for no gain with the market being so bad) and a job that is part-time but seemingly full time as its my own business.
I'm just praying for release. I want to be happy about my life, I want to see the joy in what God has given me. But today I sit here in the silence of my home, and that is what brings me joy. People say I should have some me time or get back to the gym or spend time with friends... ALL that keeps getting taken away!! I'm so physically worn I can't make it to the gym at 530 am, which is the only time my schedule allows. When I plan things with friends it gets changed due to the fact that most my friends have kids or something gets changed. Me time?? that's so confusing. what the heck is that?? Well my doc says get two good nights of sleep, ok so who is going to take care of my 2 yr old son who gets out of bed at least one time a night??? Or my daughter who wakes up at 6:30am and refuses to not be loud or stay in her room?? I don't know how to explain how I feel at the end of the day, just tired.
I look just now at a couple walking there dogs, that to me would seem happy. I would just love for once to feel good or not be working to take my daughter to dance and know what's going on in that world, that would be happy. I would love to not run out of food in the middle of the week or spend time and money on good healthy food for suppers and not have time to prepare them, that would be happy. I would love to see my husband walk in the door after work and not have the look of death on his face... that would make me happy.
I am so sorry to have been the reality of doom and gloom today. I know that my joy should come from the Lord and I have to say I know my salvation and eternal living comes from Jesus and that security I have, but the joy I have lost. I cry out to him, "God we want to follow you we will change what do we need to do???" I can't hear anything....
these things Im praying for..
1. that i will figure out what is wrong with my stomach/intestines- is it an allergy??
2. that God would reveal to us what change we need to make in our life, and how practically we do that (ie: yes "laura quit your job" is easy to say but as I pay the bills and see the 0 balance every week that is not to practical)
3. that God will reveal himself so powerfully in my husbands life that he will have no fear in leading his family to a better place, where and whatever that may be.
I love you dear friends, whom ever is reading this. thank you for letting me vent and knowing I am not doing this to get your amazing comments of love and affirmation. However welcomed :) I need to write and cry and then cry some more and that helps me deal... you should try it ;)
IN HIM and only THROUGH HIM do I say "enjoy your day"
laura
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