out of these ashes I will rise

So I just love Shawn Mcdonald lately, that's where the title of this post came today.  I don't know why I have researched him more before I know many of his songs but lately as I listen to the words they just speak truth to me.
So today has just been such a good meditation, reflection day.  Yesterday was for the first half a huge energy sucker emotionally then physically and after a small meltdown to my poor husband on his lunch break I finally just prayed out loud that God would remove this 5 yr old attitude I had, help me to release other peoples problems from my head, remove guilt, and poor his grace on me.  We then got to the rest of our evening with church and good fellowship and well, God is just so good.  We also talked about our marriage last night in small group and it is always so good for us to remember where we were and where God has delivered us to. 
Now onto today.  So I was very sad this morning as again I said goodbye to my husband to go out of town for the day and knowing once he gets back for a few hours he leaves again for 3 days.  Now this morning he took Mya (shhh don't tell her school she was going on "day date" with her daddy, which is a perfectly good reason to miss school if you ask me!)  So it was just bubba and I.  We stayed home bc he has a plastic surgeon appt later today(he's getting a little botox and a little eyebrow lift.... IM JUST KIDDING come on people.)  I promised myself 1.we would NOT leave the house 2. I would not change out of my jammies until he napped 3. I would drink my coffee the whole time it was hot and not periodically have to re-warm it.... for some reason all these things have not happen since im pretty sure we brought him home from Louisiana.  And let me tell you IT WAS AMAZING!!!  I even turned on Regis and Kelly while Payton played "ride the horse" on my crossed leg(my version of a work out for today).  I even shed some tears bc it's Regis' last week and well let's face it Im just emotional today.  Come on Regis has been on TV since I was 3 yrs old!!!  So, anyway I didn't even feel guilty or rushed.  Normally I make myself go somewhere or get stuff done.  I even did a couple loads of laundry and THAT didn't even seem like a horrible task.  I had the urge to dust, I resisted. 
Wow, amazing how rushed we make our lives.   Josh and I have both been having semi-frequent melt downs lately and keep saying, this pace can't go on.  But for right now, there is nothing externally we can change.  He has to work were work is even if its out of town.  We have to finish this salon in our garage.  We NEED to be in our small group.  But I am realizing things that stress me out that I do have control over. I have control over what people say and the kind of situations I put myself in. I have said it before but will say it again for my own good.
I am not required to do or be like any other mom on this earth
I am not required to have the best dressed, most behaved children
I am not required to listen or be part of everyone life questions and situations, I am not their savior
I am not the center of every ones universe... just Josh's :)
I am my children's parent NOT there best friend

I am required to read scripture and be filled with Gods knowledge how to be a mom
I am required to take care of and discipline my children lovingly and to be consistent with it.
I am required to love my neighbors(friends family) and in love be there when I can, listen when I can, hug when I can, and most importantly pray for.
I am required first and foremost to know who I am in Christ so I can know who I am as a wife, mom, friend and also my place though small in the business world

At no time is God EVER as hard on me as I am on myself.  At no time would he say the hurtful things to me that I say to myself.  This is because when I looks at me He looks through Jesus' blood and sees me as perfect.  He sees me as not guilty of any of the things I deserve.  Daily I break at least one of the 10 commandments whether physically or mentally, all the same to Him.  But now that I have asked for his forgiveness, admitted I need a savior that I can not live this life on my own accord... I am free. Free of all the strongholds I once held, free to live my life without ever wondering if I am doing it right.  Because it doesn't matter, I did my eternity right... and I have no fear.

Hope your day is amazing and if not I pray you turn to the one who can permanently turn it around
laura

just another manic monday

Good morning day.  Drug my poor weary body out of bed this morning early to listen to the word of God and make an attempt to bring this week some peace.  And praise God we got to finally go to the movie Courageous last night- so good.  It spoke truth to us and was mostly amazing to see it affect my husband. 
I am mostly hit this morning by my overwhelming LAST night of nervousness for this week.  I just sat there not wanting to go to bed knowing that monday was around the corner.  Getting stuff ready to take to a new daycare, getting a backpack ready for school lunch money in tack, and most horribly laying out my clothes to go to a new gym after I drop off the kids. breath... ok I can do this.   I haven't been to a gym in lets just say a very long time.  Ive tried videos and the occasional trip to our little gym here in town, but in all honesty since Payton was born it has been a stretch of my imagination to say I'm actively pursuing my health in the aspect of working out.  So this morning I was learning and listening to about how our hearts are so deceitful.  Jeremiah 17:9  "the heart is above all deceitful and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" AMEN!! to that.  Our hearts lie to us and tell us easier is better.  What feels good must be good.  Well it feels pretty good in the moment to just eat whats on my mind and in front of my face, it feels good in the moment to not go to the gym and try to fit one more thing into my schedule.  But guess what?!?! It does NOT feel good to be winded going up the stairs, running after my 18 month old and even after a day of work being sore because my body can't support the extra tension.  Think of when you lift up even 5 extra pounds or a child and carry them. It is so hard on your body.  So even 10 lbs although not the end of the world, can be exhausting on your( my) body.  And my body just doesn't take extra stress well it is already stressed just surviving when I'm just sitting immobile at peace.
My heart lies to me.  It tells me I deserve things I do not, things that are not good for me, things that ultimately are actually harmful to my soul.  God tells me I deserve every blessing HE can give me. God tells me His ways will bless me beyond what I can imagine for myself.  But His narrow path seems hard to follow at times, that is when I need to rely on Jesus to carry me.  I am praying through this week.  I am praying myself to the gym.  I am praying God delivers me from my deceitful heart and eyes when it comes to food. 
Yes, we are crazy with too much on our plates right now.  Life can be overwhelming and stressful.  But the more I stray from God and His truth, although at the time easier, the harder life gets.  Because a life apart from Gods path is not only lonely but dangerous.  Don't take the easier path today.  Look to God, let him deliver, let him lead.  No matter how far down the worlds' path you are He will come when you call out to him.  I plan on calling everyday :)

Jeremiah 29:12-14
"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with ALL your heart.  I will be found by you, " declare the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."

Praying my way closer to HIM,
Laura

Funk is a four letter word.

wow! It has been a long time since I posted a new blog.  It has also been a long time since I FELT like posting a new blog.  I don't know what walls and barriers God is breaking down in my life so He can rebuilt fresh and anew... but it hurts.  Physically,emotionally my head just hurts.  So at the risk of posting negative babble forgetting the main reason for this blog is for me to vent my crazies.... I have avoided the blog world all together.  In fact today I was drooling over how nice a "tech free" vacation would be.  No texts, phone calls, Facebook, TV, email- just a nice beach and a book and OK my husband could come along to bring me refreshments and listen to my venting.  I actually get to see my husbands' face for more than two days in a row this upcoming week! He has been gone 4 out of the 5 last weeks and as of last week I'm more than a little sick of that life scenario.  While he's been gone there has been Halloween, school conferences, daycare lost, daycare found, a new bus schedule to set up, and the every week wed night activities and dance on Thursdays   Not to mention him on his "off" time finishing the home salon we are putting in the garage.  Which by the way is being painted this week and flooring this weekend -yeah!!  But busy feels like some sort of understatement.  My mind  almost shut down today.  Scheduling our lives, scheduling the kids lives, scheduling my clients lives and then wondering what it feels like to have that feeling of "aah done with my day time to relax" or "aah the week is over time to relax".
I really can feel my disconnection with the word of God and my relationship lately BC it has been on the back burner of my day.  A quick read while I'm at work or a verse while I'm scarfing down breakfast.  Not the nice quiet time of yesteryear.  So I sat down today after work and while I ate lunch and listened to a study.  It was so nice to sit and listen to the word of God.  I love the bible, But I run from it sometimes.  I know the truth, but I don't think it pertains to me or my life.  I am thankful for Jesus dying to save me from my sins so I may have eternal life in Heaven with him- but sometimes I don't grasp what that all entails for me while I'm still on earth.  I have felt so burdened to share the gospel with people lately.  People in need of His love.  People filling a God sized void in there life with wordly things and always coming up short.  I feel this burden yet don't know what to say.  How can God love me so much when I feel like I let him down every day I don't talk about his Saving Grace!  I'm so exhausted physically and emotionally I don't feel like this is the life I want people to think they would have as a christian yet its not this life that is the concern its our eternal lives that are well... eternal.  I CANT SAVE ANYONE.  I need to tell myself over and over each day.  I need to fill myself with his word and strength and then go out each day saying whats on my heart, unashamed of the gospel.
Over and over in the study I listened to today scripture was read of how God has given me a beautiful, plentiful land to live in.  He has given me his Word to read and learn and grow.  But am I really digesting all these things?!?! no.  I am half heartily reading, listening, and then hanging my head and barreling through my day.  I don't have the answer to this predicament today.  I don't have an answer for this funk I'm in.  All I know is that I have been given the tools to get through this I just have to use them.
I pray anyone who reads this today see the need for God's saving power and his loving mercy.  He does nothing but love us and he just gently stands at our heart door and knocks (rev. 3:20). Wanting to save us form all this stress all this worry all this stuff we think we can handle on our own. The truth is we weren't created to handle it on our own.  We are created to serve something.  Who are you serving??
Trusting in Him and Him alone,
laura