misplaced hope

Happy rainy Thursday :)  Some days rain just fits the mood huh? I did a little extra work today so now as my time is nearing an end when Mr. P wakes up and its time to get sissy I think I should do a quick blog.  A few things have hit me here in the past couple of days.  I'm loving my new book/devotion "Brave".  Helping me take a look at why I feel weary and to whom or to what I'm going to instead of God to fill me. 
 After Mya being sick this week and a pretty busy salon week we pulled into the garage after church last night and I just sat there.  Like if I didn't move no one would notice and the kids would get out of the car and go put themselves to bed.  Or like if I just waited there long enough I would have amazing renewed strength to open the car door and get them to bed.  Or maybe there was a cleaning fairy in my house and if I waited long enough she could finish..... then I took that looong deeep breath and exhaled and said, "here we go, last round of the day".  Well today, in this rain I just always fill a little more calm and thoughtful.  What is wearing me out? Why do I feel exhausted?  I know there will be plenty of people who can relate when I make these next statements.  I don't feel I have the right to feel exhausted if Im not constantly busy.  For example Im sitting here blogging, all my furniture is pilled up bc we had the carpets cleaned, the windows are dirty and there is some MAJOR dusting to be done.  But Im just really trying to look at my life "above the sun" which means from Gods eyes. Eccl 1:3 says "what does man gain by all the toil at which he toils under the sun?"  Meaning most things we do in our lives are causing exhaustion for pure gain of vanity.  The other day I realized I FEEL I can't say I love being a mom because I don't feel I can handle more than two kids.  NOT TRUE.  I felt like if I am good at and love being a mom I should continue to want more and more kids.  I don't know where I come up with these things seriously they just live in my brain.  I felt like if I come and sit down at the end of the day when there is obviously much to be done in my house I must not be a very good wife/mom.  NOT TRUE. I felt if I wasn't sending cards and gifts to our world vision girl in Africa then Im not a good sponsor and our money is doing her no good.  NOT TRUE I feel like if im not crafting, printing and booking pictures, checking our finances, logging my business account, checking back packs, folding laundry, doing dishes, meal planning, decorating, or talking to a friend in need- Im not doing a good job at, well... life.  You get the idea. Lie after LIE.  Truth is I can't live up to my own expectations.  Why can't I feel God's grace, why don't I ask for God's grace, why don't I trust Gods grace would be the best question.  I trust him to save my soul but not to allow me to have peace.  
One thing in my study today was a list of "misplaced hope" that we've trusted.  I circled underline and starred CALM CIRCUMSTANCES.  Why in God's green earth would I ever think my life was meant for calm circumstances.  Yet that is my goal that is my misplaced hope.  That one day I would wake up/have one on one time with God at 6, get the kids ready and have family breakfast at 7, workout at 8 after the kids are happily off to school and daycare, go through my day smoothly with nice planned out healthy meals and snacks, make supper just in time to see everyone coming home, then after work having some quality time with the fam, and just enough time to tidy up and go to be around 10.  Um, no wonder I'm hopeless!!  When life is calm that doesn't mean God is present. God is our strength when we are weak he is our feet when we are weary, more than that He says "we will soar on wings like eagles"!  When we are too faint to open up the car door and move one more muscle or read one more bed time story, he gives us one huge breath and says, "lets go, I will carry you".  I love my entire life or mostly the past 14 years have been God carrying me.  Seriously.  I love that right now, we may be stressed and life my be a little sucky (that's a real word even though my computer says its not) but I know its a season and I know God has a real live USE for this time in our lives.  I love that Gods grace is so obviously present in my life as I daily try to grab the reigns.  And mostly I love that He is so sure of my strength that he would give me exactly what he has given me to bare knowing full well that I will grow and that I will look to him to carry me, even if its every day.   No, no calmness can compare to that.  I mean how boring would that be??  :)  Don't let anyone tell you Christians are boring, in fact Im pretty sure we could do a pretty amazing reality show :) 
proud to not be superwoman, 
laura

Getting off the hamster wheel

Ok Monday, here we go.  You know the hamster wheel you live on most times?  Getting through one thing to get through the next and then getting through that to then start right back over on the first thing??  Well, I'm a little sick of it.  I just got home from an amazing weekend with friends and teachings from Beth Moore in KC.  Also a little nice weather and good food helped a little too :) I won't add shopping to that list because that was pretty much a bust but that's another story.  So as I was sitting in the conference I was fully aware of my past "religious wheel".  It started when I was young: go to church camp, sing amazing songs, be around people who where mostly (at that time) in the same belief as you, here from the word of God, and have time away from regular temptations and society.  Then come home, get hit by reality, be tempted, and forgetting to apply all I just learned- BOOM!! back to trudging through life and giving into my fleshy desires just like before the camp.  There was no depth, I wasn't recognizing my need for Christ, I was looking for this "emotional high" to last a lifetime.  My hear, my faith was not maturing.  Now, to this day it can in some form be repeated with weekends away at womens events, bible studies that end, church retreats...or even just an amazing Sunday- there is always a Monday to follow these things.  Poor Monday, it has such a bad wrap, God probably meant it as a day to start over and use your regained strength from Sunday!!  So back to the awareness I was recognizing. Now that I am a born again Christian, I do recognize my need for Jesus not my own merit and I am maturing in faith- I'm ready to get beyond some of these things that are keeping me from being an amazing witness for Christ.  Someone who lives her battles and is not bogged down by them.  Someone whose mind reflects the peace of God's plan and sovereignty in her life is apparent.  I'm ready to fill my mind with what God wants me to fill it with and not fill it with Pinterest and Facebook agendas and "to-do" lists.

So I did purchase a few AMAZING exciting things this weekend. I'm even going to try to post a picture because this blog is kinda boring since I don't really know what to do with it besides type :) One of them is a book called "Brave" honest questions women ask, by Angela Thomas (actually its a study).  I opened it up and the first thing it quoted was Proverbs 30:1 "The man declares.  I am weary, O God, and worn out." .....  I ran to the check out to purchase it.  

One thing I was glad to hear from Beth is that she too has addictive mind.  That's not just physical in fact is mostly mental in my opinion.  She stated her mind is her worst enemies sometimes and she needs to fill it with the word of God to counter-act the negative thoughts.  God bless the women that can sit on Pinterest other decorating, cooking, and event planning websites and not feel guilt- I am not one of those women.  God bless the women that can go on Facebook and look at other peoples professional pics of their kids every 6 months of there life and not think "hmm its been 2 years since we've taken a picture together" or read about amazing birthday parties, fun filled weekends and husbands who surprise them with weekends away to Bermuda. (OK I totally made all that up so if you just did those things I sorry, I'm not saying they are bad I'm just showing my train of thought here).  So ANYWAY, jeepers I'm all over the place today..... She chooses not to be on Facebook.  I choose not to update and check my Facebook much because it eats up too much time and I feel I need to prove points and make comments or no one will love me, yep I'm crazy.  Ok so the point iiiissss!!!! we recognize these things and then NEVER do anything about them. I AM SICK OF THE WHEEL!! So I'm diving into scripture, which usually scares me.  Where do I start? how much should I read? do I have to memorize everything? Doesn't matter.  I'm just going to read.  I'm going to read and journal, with my new journal that matches my bible of course :)  Turns out I don't really suck that bad I actually to write things down I have the notebooks to prove it.  But usually I'm not good at memorizing and applying.
God bless YOU if you've made it this far in my blog, I have major AADD today with all these things, I may have to do this again right away tomorrow.
To sum up, I'm sick of the church camp fever.  I want a forever fever that makes me contagious to all that surround me!!! So here's is my heart:
things I am in affliction over, these are things that were explained to have a more permanent place in your life, things you daily deal with. 1. food- I admittedly am not ready to give this to Christ because I believe my mind is not strong enough with his word to do so, last week I tried detoxing from all the horrible food I've been eating and it lasted 6 hours, go me (insert sarcasm here) 2. addiction to affirmation, no this is not just my love language, it is something that daily bogs me down. It is how I live and breath and the reason I do everything I do.  It is how I make decisions and I feel the only way I can have people who love me.
things I am letting go, perfection, untrue thoughts (that will be obtained by true promises given to me by God through his word) these are BIG things because that engulf most of my life:kids, marriage, home, business.  Cutting things out of my life that do me NO GOOD, give me NO ENERGY and waste my productive time (not just me time because sometimes we need time wasters to wind down)
Aren't you sick of the wheel? Maybe not.  But I just want to learn and MOVE ON already.  Like, ok give me the NEXT thing God.
Ok here I go trying to post some pics of my long awaited new ESV bible(this was NOT an impulse buy for once), my journal and my book.. because when you can't find clothes ( or they don't fit you as expected) or shoes, yep that's right I couldn't even find shoes: you can always have an calming time at the christian book store and find encouraging things.  This was the ONLY bible like this and I have been looking for a long time!! then I found an (on sale!) journal to go with it. Even my husband thinks my bible is cool, he's just jealous :) LOVE YOU ALL!! and love this stinkin' blog.  I just love it seriously wish I could do it all day....kinda like right now :)
In Christ Alone
laura