ooooh coffee. I just don't know if i could get up at 5:30 with out even smelling it brewing. But guess what people? I finally did a workout video yesterday, yep thats right since july 4th: my boil, random allergy attack, then a 5 week cough, bronchitis, cold epidemic and I have mustered up enough strength to take care of myself:) I got my good ol Julian Michael's 30 day shred out since i just cant go to the gym on days I work I'd have to get up at 4:30am no thanks!!! So only 20 minutes of some sweating and yep... im sore today. oh well, it feels good to have taken that dreaded first step. We hopefully have a more regulated week this week. Ps. still sad about my baby going to school, every day I drop her off.
Well, Ive been building up on things that have struck me this weekend, so: reader beware. Starting this blog made me quite nervous and still does. Not nervous about sharing my personal info, you loose all that modesty in front of tons of doctors and constantly having to explain things to people. And lay half naked in those darn gowns :) Im afraid bc I get attack with thoughts that my story is that big of a deal. Afraid someone with much more, much worse of a situation might read it and roll their eyes. Im afraid of talking about myself too much. But then here's what my God does to my heart. I see people who write books, speak at events, or are just a motivation to people who may have only went through just one life changing event and there are just using that to greatest glory for God. And I think, "wow! that is such an amazing story!" Then I think "oh.. ya... I've had a few of those, stories" Actually I sometimes wonder why God would choose our little family to take on all these "stories".
So here's what I've realized about myself. I always feel like when I share the gospel with people Im doing a sales pitch. Like "hey! buy this! its gonna change your life" which is true, when you accept Christ and his blood shed for our sins, it changes your life, it SAVEs your life. However, people don't respond to sales pitches, too many Kerby salesman have been to our doors. Then I remember, God isn't an option or a want, He's a NEED. The statistic says there is a 100% chance we will die. The bible says there is a 100% chance we will stand in front of God when we do to hold account for our lives. The one true almighty judge, just in every part of His being. And when He asks me why I deserve to come into his Almighty kingdom the home he created for his children, i will say, "there is nothing, nothing I could do on earth to justify my actions, to make a mends with your holiness God. Then you spoke to my heart that I didn't need to "do" and "fix". You showed me a picture of your Son Jesus, dying on the cross for me Laura Hejl and covering ALL my sin with His blood. Once that happened I became clean, I was adopted into your family" Now, by this time I will be crying and on my knees, and He will pick me up and give me the most amazing hug I will ever have felt and he will say "welcome HOME child". And that is a story worth telling people.
So darn it, I will tell MY STORY, ok so funny thing bc I was gonna name this blog "lauras story" and then the song "blessings" by "laura story" came out and I didn't want to look like a copy cat, but funny thing is that song is sooo my life. But I am tired of thinking I have nothing to share. God put a story in ALL of us. A story he can use to His glory. Just the other day I had another adoption story to share and talk over with someone, and once again someone I know has been diagnosed with cancer, all things I just want to reach out and just assure people and tell them its possible to conquer these things. So thats my prayer, that when I talk to people I stop trying to force things. I just remember how much I love Jesus and how he has saved me and continually is blessing me. Because no one can deny the things that have come from Him in all my times of need, no man could have brought me out of thoughts that I've had during those days of so much pain, so much hopelessness, never ending hospital stays and worthlessness running through my mind. And no one can tell me it wasn't Gods loving hand using His people to help my family in time of financial need when cancer sucked all my parents money out of their pockets and now ours. And no one can tell me that it was "fate" that made me not able to carry children, put it on both Mya and Paytons birthparents hearts to first put their babies up for adoption then look at our profiles and choose us to parent their children. How can I look at my life at all and not see the glorious hand of God at work. oooh now im crying. this is why i do need to blog. How we forget the blessings, how we let the business of life let us forget we need to slow down and think.
I have had it laid on my heart to look at what I have, invest in it, do with it what I can and God will use it. THE END
LOVE IN THE DEEPEST
laura
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Can I get some cheese with that wine?!
Well, I'll make this one short today. It seems my mornings need to start earlier and earlier with school now. Maybe soon we will have a schedule set, hmm that would be nice :) Well I just wanted to get out of my head all of this conviction I've been having lately. Darn it. Don't you just hate it when you read stuff or hear stuff and you are like, "shoot, that was for me I wish I hadn't heard that now i'm convicted!!" well yesterday I was reading 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 and those are verses about health and our bodies being temples. Which I have done the least amount of concerning with. Treating my body like a slave horse. Pushing through neck and back aches knowing I need to get a massage or a chiropractic visit. Feeling sick from eating fast or making poor food choices. Then I read this sentence in my devotion, "God knows we have infirmities, but He wants us to take care of ourselves so we do not make our condition worse." WOW, I just really even now read that and have so much conviction. I feel like since I've been sick for close to half of my life that my body is pretty washed up and I feel like my effort to protect it is useless. I know this attitude is wrong. This is my body God has given me, like it is still his body it belongs to him. He created me, I have given my life to him, it is not a bad thing that I "belong" to someone its an amazing thing. Since it is Christ, He knows every little thing about my body. How freeing to know that my job is only to do what I know to do, take care of what He's given me and ultimately in His sovereignty the rest is up to Him. Just bc I take care of myself doesn't mean I'll never be sick or even have cancer again. It means Im doing the best with what he has given me. Wouldn't I rather live to my best ability? Well I would sure like to try.
I guess I am realizing I use a lot of my past as excuses for the present. A lot of my fears and uncomfortable zones are being tested right now. I really blow things up in my head that are, on paper, not that big of a deal. I feel so harshly or horribly about something then I read it and think, "oh that doesn't sound that bad". I get really nervous about being around groups of people for extended amounts of time bc of my ileostomy. Usually im the one asking to find a bathroom or making everyone go out of their way to find one. It actually really bothers me. Always. My husband says no one else notices but why is it that I feel like I was born with this sensor alert of peoples eyes on me. Its the weirdest feeling. I feel it when Im eating in front of people, I feel it when I have to get up in a group of people to go to the bathroom. I feel it if my kids are being naughty or say something rude. Im sure everyone has there insecurities, right? But I think I need to walk through them. I get really anxious about something and then someone pushes me(usually my husband) to do it and the second I do it im fine. I remember always needing someone to go everywhere with me bc I would be afraid to look stupid by myself. In high school i wouldn't even go to the mall by myself. I know, crazy. I admire people who eat by themselves or go to movies by themselves. Again though I love going and doing so I have gotten better at this, plus I have kids, so who doesn't love alone time no matter what once you have kids :) ok how did I get off on this tangent?!?!
Just having lots of doubts lately, don't think i'll publish this post on facebook. My matters seem to be very minor to me lately, like lots of grumbling. I will continue to be in prayer for my family as we are transitioning so much in the next month or so. My job, Myas schedule, Josh finishing up summer jobs, starting our wed night activities and dance, and now me being home more and already wondering and having anxiety about all the stuff i need to be getting done. Not to mention me knowing and wondering when to fit exercise into this mix. My body is feeling very achy bc of losing extra muscle in my core, plus it is always a good stress reliever for me. None of this compares to the ongoing sickness we are battling. Payton had hand foot mouth and is now recovering, mya continues to have a cough and sore throat, my cough is finally getting better after 5 weeks and josh's allergies seem to be subsiding some. Not bad stuff just those little annoinces that seem to kink your day.
So, may God continue to be in the forefront of my mind, He is the only thing capable of changing my negative attitude and bringing things to a positive conclusion. He is my mood changer :)
laura
I guess I am realizing I use a lot of my past as excuses for the present. A lot of my fears and uncomfortable zones are being tested right now. I really blow things up in my head that are, on paper, not that big of a deal. I feel so harshly or horribly about something then I read it and think, "oh that doesn't sound that bad". I get really nervous about being around groups of people for extended amounts of time bc of my ileostomy. Usually im the one asking to find a bathroom or making everyone go out of their way to find one. It actually really bothers me. Always. My husband says no one else notices but why is it that I feel like I was born with this sensor alert of peoples eyes on me. Its the weirdest feeling. I feel it when Im eating in front of people, I feel it when I have to get up in a group of people to go to the bathroom. I feel it if my kids are being naughty or say something rude. Im sure everyone has there insecurities, right? But I think I need to walk through them. I get really anxious about something and then someone pushes me(usually my husband) to do it and the second I do it im fine. I remember always needing someone to go everywhere with me bc I would be afraid to look stupid by myself. In high school i wouldn't even go to the mall by myself. I know, crazy. I admire people who eat by themselves or go to movies by themselves. Again though I love going and doing so I have gotten better at this, plus I have kids, so who doesn't love alone time no matter what once you have kids :) ok how did I get off on this tangent?!?!
Just having lots of doubts lately, don't think i'll publish this post on facebook. My matters seem to be very minor to me lately, like lots of grumbling. I will continue to be in prayer for my family as we are transitioning so much in the next month or so. My job, Myas schedule, Josh finishing up summer jobs, starting our wed night activities and dance, and now me being home more and already wondering and having anxiety about all the stuff i need to be getting done. Not to mention me knowing and wondering when to fit exercise into this mix. My body is feeling very achy bc of losing extra muscle in my core, plus it is always a good stress reliever for me. None of this compares to the ongoing sickness we are battling. Payton had hand foot mouth and is now recovering, mya continues to have a cough and sore throat, my cough is finally getting better after 5 weeks and josh's allergies seem to be subsiding some. Not bad stuff just those little annoinces that seem to kink your day.
So, may God continue to be in the forefront of my mind, He is the only thing capable of changing my negative attitude and bringing things to a positive conclusion. He is my mood changer :)
laura
Monday, August 22, 2011
Letting go....
Well here I am, morning of my baby's first day of school. Im ready, im ready to have it over :) My stress level has been way to high this week, totally self induced im sure. She is ready, her excitement runeth over. Yesterday i made her run around the sidewalk two times before we left for church she was bouncing all over the place. So here we go, releasing my child into Gods arms fully. So silly, bc she has went to daycare most her life, but so much has changed in my own life and how I parent that now I think I just recognize more this new phase of life.... a phase where she begins to take things on herself, I need to put my own fears away and help, encourage, love, and most of all pray her through hers.
This weekend started out pretty rough starting on Frid. its just like all my fears where brought to the forefront of my mind. Mostly my life where it is now as I start to work less and mother more. Start to love my husband more and be guarded less. This may sound like something natural that just comes to a women but it is not for me. Most of my "adult" life has been from one scary thing to another, but it always gave me a reason to be guarded and in reality not deal with situations and walk through them but fall back on the love that came from people bc they felt sorry for me. My heart is learning how to grow and not be scared of relationships that are real and pure. I mostly would like to please everyone. At one time, maybe still, I was pretty sure that my reason for being on this earth was to run around pleasing everyone. That leaves my soul pretty empty. That hit me on Friday and I was sure that God messed up giving me this job of being a mom and wife. It all looks to hard written on paper. Too much responsibility to much expectation. But from who?!?! Not from my husband. Not from my kids. NOT from God.
I am starting to see that now as I take a step back. I also am so grateful for the friends God has given me to pray me through these times. Encouraging me to just stop, just take a break from my own thoughts and to live through this moment. No more comparison for just one day. I don't remember a time I had a more amazing date with my husband than what we had on sat. I felt relaxed, I had fun. No big deal just dinner and a movie. But I put my guard down and let him loves me like he has wanted to for 10 years. I stopped thinking that he expects something from me. I stopped thinking he thought i was failure, a let down, a bad mom, a women who has let herself go. All these things are lies I tell myself and then put on him. Im done, I give my fears to God, he can heal them.
Here's what I learned this morning. 1 Corinthians 2:9-10 "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit." I have no idea what God has planned for me. But I do know it is way beyond what I can do by my own accord. God has given let me feel fear so I can feel his peace. Bc as I go on in this journey of life and seeing who has created me, I need him lead me through things I think I can not handle. I am exactly who I am for a reason. My past is exactly as it should be. Nothing in my nature makes me think that the role I should play is a mom. It doesn't seem important to me, I feel like Im doing nothing for God. I feel like I should be doing more. In reality im just scared of it. Now I am realizing that when i feel fear about something that is when I most need to pursue it. Not second guess what God has laid on my heart. He has prepared something for me that I can not conceive, that means I need to trust him.
So here we go, I am continually learning that not matter how old I am I am always learning lessons, still growing. But praise God I am exactly where He wants me, how exciting!! I am done thinking that one good day means I will have a week of bad. I will NOT be afraid a letting myself be loved or happy or released of these burdens I put on myself. Just I have had some years of bad that does not mean God didn't use those times to allow some amazing growth and now I just need to let me heart heal and retrain it to completely follow Him, and listen to Him speak to and through me. Jesus loves me this i know!!!
So now to fill my heart with some mommy time. ok not crying not crying not crying!! Im off to make some protein pancakes for my littly mya. ssshhh, she doesn't know they are healthy she just likes them. Her backpack and hello kitty lunch box is ready to go with her favs for her first day, her outfit is hung up, her hair is braided and her heart is full of so many prayers she has no choice but to show God through her amazing smile and personality. She is my daughter. She is Gods' gift and now she will shine His light to this world. I know his plans are amazing for her and I will continue to let him walk me through MY fears so that I can help her (and then payton) walk through hers, leaning not on me, but on her savior.
Good luck to all you moms this week!!!! you have my prayers!!!
laura
This weekend started out pretty rough starting on Frid. its just like all my fears where brought to the forefront of my mind. Mostly my life where it is now as I start to work less and mother more. Start to love my husband more and be guarded less. This may sound like something natural that just comes to a women but it is not for me. Most of my "adult" life has been from one scary thing to another, but it always gave me a reason to be guarded and in reality not deal with situations and walk through them but fall back on the love that came from people bc they felt sorry for me. My heart is learning how to grow and not be scared of relationships that are real and pure. I mostly would like to please everyone. At one time, maybe still, I was pretty sure that my reason for being on this earth was to run around pleasing everyone. That leaves my soul pretty empty. That hit me on Friday and I was sure that God messed up giving me this job of being a mom and wife. It all looks to hard written on paper. Too much responsibility to much expectation. But from who?!?! Not from my husband. Not from my kids. NOT from God.
I am starting to see that now as I take a step back. I also am so grateful for the friends God has given me to pray me through these times. Encouraging me to just stop, just take a break from my own thoughts and to live through this moment. No more comparison for just one day. I don't remember a time I had a more amazing date with my husband than what we had on sat. I felt relaxed, I had fun. No big deal just dinner and a movie. But I put my guard down and let him loves me like he has wanted to for 10 years. I stopped thinking that he expects something from me. I stopped thinking he thought i was failure, a let down, a bad mom, a women who has let herself go. All these things are lies I tell myself and then put on him. Im done, I give my fears to God, he can heal them.
Here's what I learned this morning. 1 Corinthians 2:9-10 "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit." I have no idea what God has planned for me. But I do know it is way beyond what I can do by my own accord. God has given let me feel fear so I can feel his peace. Bc as I go on in this journey of life and seeing who has created me, I need him lead me through things I think I can not handle. I am exactly who I am for a reason. My past is exactly as it should be. Nothing in my nature makes me think that the role I should play is a mom. It doesn't seem important to me, I feel like Im doing nothing for God. I feel like I should be doing more. In reality im just scared of it. Now I am realizing that when i feel fear about something that is when I most need to pursue it. Not second guess what God has laid on my heart. He has prepared something for me that I can not conceive, that means I need to trust him.
So here we go, I am continually learning that not matter how old I am I am always learning lessons, still growing. But praise God I am exactly where He wants me, how exciting!! I am done thinking that one good day means I will have a week of bad. I will NOT be afraid a letting myself be loved or happy or released of these burdens I put on myself. Just I have had some years of bad that does not mean God didn't use those times to allow some amazing growth and now I just need to let me heart heal and retrain it to completely follow Him, and listen to Him speak to and through me. Jesus loves me this i know!!!
So now to fill my heart with some mommy time. ok not crying not crying not crying!! Im off to make some protein pancakes for my littly mya. ssshhh, she doesn't know they are healthy she just likes them. Her backpack and hello kitty lunch box is ready to go with her favs for her first day, her outfit is hung up, her hair is braided and her heart is full of so many prayers she has no choice but to show God through her amazing smile and personality. She is my daughter. She is Gods' gift and now she will shine His light to this world. I know his plans are amazing for her and I will continue to let him walk me through MY fears so that I can help her (and then payton) walk through hers, leaning not on me, but on her savior.
Good luck to all you moms this week!!!! you have my prayers!!!
laura
Thursday, August 18, 2011
ummm.... yaay?!
Well, 4 day countdown to kindergarten!! Today, I have decided to spend some time with just my daughter. We are going to do a smoothing treatment to her hair, pack her backpack, label items to take for open house tonight, go to the grocery store and get stuff for lunches next week. Now if I could just stop coughing and blowing my nose long enough to enjoy these things, that would be great. A 5 week cold is not really been the best for my attitude but hopefully this is the last week. My mind is racing with anxieties about next week. I am more and more finding out I just am not in full mom mode, I don't even know what that means. I think I just look around at what other people do and if I don't do that I think I don't know what im doing.
I don't have bins for after school projects, pictures hanging on my walls of their artwork, probably even many pictures in the book from this last year. Honestly i don't remember the last set of pictures i even developed. I did force myself to scrapbook one time for each of them, but I have to tell you i didn't really enjoy it, i just wanted it done. Like it was on some big "MOM" checklist. Im just having such a hard time enjoying life right now.
So today is also the day, the 10 year anniversary!! So, ya. Those exclamation marks are about as much excitement i can muster. I mean, I just feel so numb, so numb to time. My mind is so foggy and the past years seem to have been some other life I lived. I feel thankful to were God has brought me and my family but I wish I just had a overwhelming of joy. I kinda feel like im doing what im supposed to be doing, but only bc im supposed to be doing it. I was reading in "feminine appeal" yesterday and the author was talking about enjoying and loving our children(also our husbands). How God looks/sees them(children) and how He words it in Psalm 127. He uses words "heritage, fruit, reward, arrows. and then says, blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them" aaahh, the word quiver, i keep hearing people keep say that now i know what it means, its that thing that holds the arrows for the bow hunter. So I get the relation of our children being arrows in our quiver now. We keep them and then shoot them out into this world. I just don't think I can truly grasp how God cherishes them so much and uses my own children to shape me.
Yesterday, was overwhelming with neediness. I was tired and sick and there was short naps or no naps, whining, and relentless, "I want i want i want!!" and to top it off a busy husband until 8pm. Lately, we have been trying a schedule with me at work less and home more, but sometimes I feel like that has been more work. Probably bc motherhood is more work. Seriously it would be easier for me to go back to work full time and just do more daycare again. It's a soul battle right now. I personally have been led to this for the past 6 months to a a year, but I fight it, bc I don't think i can handle it. I don't swoon over how its been so great to be at home more. Or boast at much I've gotten done. If anything I feel more behind, my house is always a mess, I am running around more, Im squeezing in all my appointments on days i work so i have daycare and spending more money on groceries. Also, now the guilt and sin of comparison kicks in. Do you know how many blogs and websites are dedicated to "helping" moms, cutting coupons, doing activities with your kids, raising your kids, what they should watch or shouldn't watch, how to react to anything they do. TOO MANY!! and i just sit and look at it or read it or get magazines about it and im just done, im exhausted before i start. So this is one area I am in prayer about now. In the quiet moments, i get it. Last night I was prepping mya's hair for today and then she was finishing her sleeping beauty movie and i just stared at her, so beautiful so young, just a child...love was easy to feel. So I am trying to remember and feel those moments in the midst of my day. I know God has given me these children. Right now I know that I can handle no more than these two bc God does not give us more than we can handle, and He wants me to enjoy these two! oh and my husband :) which we are all working on, so who knows what the next 10 years will entail, but for now I need to focus. Focus on God, what the bible says about being a wife/mom, stay of the Internet for moms, and just get through my day. My biggest goal is to be were i am. When im at work, do work. When im at home, no work. Which is really hard bc I use my cell phone as business for appointments. So this is always a fine line. Dang, why can't it just be like Laura Ingalls Wilder days. well, minus the outhouses. But that is not how the world works. The world will continue to get busier with more technology claiming to make our lives more simple yet making us crazy and way to available to be robbed of time. God doesn't promise our lives to be simple or this world to ever get better. We need to be able to live in this world but need to fill ourselves with the Word and His strength more. He gives us HIS son to cleanse us and then gives us the promise of his strength while we are in this world and while the world gets worse our home in heaven is being prepared and it IS perfect.
So, "God help me to enjoy my children. To love my husband. To let myself use the tools you gave me to raise our children without guilt of comparison to others. Let me see my strengths and use them to glorify YOU!!" amen
Well, here we go the fam is waking up cell phones are ringing, tv is being turned on, breakfast is being asked for. It will be a good day though. God has delivered us this far he will not let go now.
laura
I don't have bins for after school projects, pictures hanging on my walls of their artwork, probably even many pictures in the book from this last year. Honestly i don't remember the last set of pictures i even developed. I did force myself to scrapbook one time for each of them, but I have to tell you i didn't really enjoy it, i just wanted it done. Like it was on some big "MOM" checklist. Im just having such a hard time enjoying life right now.
So today is also the day, the 10 year anniversary!! So, ya. Those exclamation marks are about as much excitement i can muster. I mean, I just feel so numb, so numb to time. My mind is so foggy and the past years seem to have been some other life I lived. I feel thankful to were God has brought me and my family but I wish I just had a overwhelming of joy. I kinda feel like im doing what im supposed to be doing, but only bc im supposed to be doing it. I was reading in "feminine appeal" yesterday and the author was talking about enjoying and loving our children(also our husbands). How God looks/sees them(children) and how He words it in Psalm 127. He uses words "heritage, fruit, reward, arrows. and then says, blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them" aaahh, the word quiver, i keep hearing people keep say that now i know what it means, its that thing that holds the arrows for the bow hunter. So I get the relation of our children being arrows in our quiver now. We keep them and then shoot them out into this world. I just don't think I can truly grasp how God cherishes them so much and uses my own children to shape me.
Yesterday, was overwhelming with neediness. I was tired and sick and there was short naps or no naps, whining, and relentless, "I want i want i want!!" and to top it off a busy husband until 8pm. Lately, we have been trying a schedule with me at work less and home more, but sometimes I feel like that has been more work. Probably bc motherhood is more work. Seriously it would be easier for me to go back to work full time and just do more daycare again. It's a soul battle right now. I personally have been led to this for the past 6 months to a a year, but I fight it, bc I don't think i can handle it. I don't swoon over how its been so great to be at home more. Or boast at much I've gotten done. If anything I feel more behind, my house is always a mess, I am running around more, Im squeezing in all my appointments on days i work so i have daycare and spending more money on groceries. Also, now the guilt and sin of comparison kicks in. Do you know how many blogs and websites are dedicated to "helping" moms, cutting coupons, doing activities with your kids, raising your kids, what they should watch or shouldn't watch, how to react to anything they do. TOO MANY!! and i just sit and look at it or read it or get magazines about it and im just done, im exhausted before i start. So this is one area I am in prayer about now. In the quiet moments, i get it. Last night I was prepping mya's hair for today and then she was finishing her sleeping beauty movie and i just stared at her, so beautiful so young, just a child...love was easy to feel. So I am trying to remember and feel those moments in the midst of my day. I know God has given me these children. Right now I know that I can handle no more than these two bc God does not give us more than we can handle, and He wants me to enjoy these two! oh and my husband :) which we are all working on, so who knows what the next 10 years will entail, but for now I need to focus. Focus on God, what the bible says about being a wife/mom, stay of the Internet for moms, and just get through my day. My biggest goal is to be were i am. When im at work, do work. When im at home, no work. Which is really hard bc I use my cell phone as business for appointments. So this is always a fine line. Dang, why can't it just be like Laura Ingalls Wilder days. well, minus the outhouses. But that is not how the world works. The world will continue to get busier with more technology claiming to make our lives more simple yet making us crazy and way to available to be robbed of time. God doesn't promise our lives to be simple or this world to ever get better. We need to be able to live in this world but need to fill ourselves with the Word and His strength more. He gives us HIS son to cleanse us and then gives us the promise of his strength while we are in this world and while the world gets worse our home in heaven is being prepared and it IS perfect.
So, "God help me to enjoy my children. To love my husband. To let myself use the tools you gave me to raise our children without guilt of comparison to others. Let me see my strengths and use them to glorify YOU!!" amen
Well, here we go the fam is waking up cell phones are ringing, tv is being turned on, breakfast is being asked for. It will be a good day though. God has delivered us this far he will not let go now.
laura
Monday, August 15, 2011
what did you just say to me?!?!?!
Well, monday morning here I am :) Kinda some deep stuff running through my short haired head this morning. Something I keep thinking about is something that was over 10 years ago coming up here on aug 18th is Josh and my 10 year anniversary!! Along with that comes many memories. Many seem like a different life. Many are not like other stories of happy dating memories and beautiful newlywed years. Im actually having a small anxiety attack just writing these first lines. You see I tend forget these things or shall I say block them out. But lately I look at my husband and think "who is this man i married?" "what is going on, is this my life?" so let me explain this. What got me thinking was that we were thinking back to while we were dating over 14 years ago and saying why we started dating each other. Then he said "ya, you are not the same person you were before cancer" which of course being a women sent off a small lioness in my mind ready to attack into a small sermon about how mean that was, but then I realized it was a compliment. :) We only dated 8 months in high school before I graduated and then 2 months later I was diagnosed with colon cancer. From that point on and for 13 more years to come our lives have NOT been the same. 18 year old dating couples shouldn't have to visit one another in the hospital, travel to other cities for surgeries and worry about if that person will make it to the day or not. Then after 4 years of dating we have the most amazing wedding, bc we are ready to move on. "ok, trial over, lets move on" but the problem early on in our youth is not having the know how to work through any of our soul issues, just cover them up and move on. Josh was not a christian at that time but God was working on his heart. And we just had all our marital issues on hold, we just had to many other "issues" to work through. Our first two years of marriage I would just freely give away to anyone who asked. Its kinda like our youth got stolen, our independence was taken away from my cancer and then we rebelled against that but did it on our own terms. We had no idea what we were doing. We fought like cats and dogs and had no idea how to love under non-traumatic circumstances. But God had a plan, and 10 years later I am allowing myself to see that. One time that sticks out in my mind is when I said something to Josh in what I thought was my normal tone/voice, and he got really mad and later said that I was extremely sassy and disrespectful. I answered that was just how i talked :) who knew, that wasn't actually the way I talked but I was completely unaware that there was anything about myself I would need to change to be in a marriage. No seriously!! We had 80's videos for our pre-marital counseling and im pretty sure laughed or slept through most of them. Then not to far into our marriage, new jobs, new town, began more surgeries. Our rebellion against working on our marriage and our lives together was again put on hold. And for probably 8 years after there just has always been some reason for us to put that work on hold. But wow, to look at what God has done individually in our lives is beyond words. When I look back to myself before I had cancer I was a typical rebellious teenager, one who was given Godly principals but did not get how that applied to me or my life. Now that i look back at cancer, hard marriage issues, hard personal issues, is nothing- i mean NOTHING compared to what God has shown me in how He loves me, how He can use me for His glory, how He can change me lovingly and how that was for my own good not just for my marriage. You see I talk to my husband now with a respect I didn't know i had in me. I deal with my kids with patience i didn't know existed. I though all that stuff just came to you when you got married and had kids. But now I realize that until I completely gave it to God and started using his principals in marriage and in life He engraves in on your/my heart. The difference between knowing Godly principals and living them.
I always knew when i woke up from surgery my super hero josh would be waiting for me, what i didn't know is that in the years to come with my scarred body, scarred and bruised soul that he would still be here loving me and patiently waiting for me. Now trust me he has his own story for personal growth, i'll let him blog about that someday:) But this is my story, I have to relive it so I can see that he made a choice. I used to be bitter that he was such a super hero bc our lives at home didn't feel like such a love story of a 18yr olds to stay together through thick and thin. I thought he would look to much like the bad guy to break up with a girl who had cancer. Here's what he says about that--- "i was given two options: to stay with you and live through a forever life changing event, sickness, and emotions- or break up with the woman I love and forever feel a gap in my life." --- turns out the life changing events have been hard, so hard- but eternally amazing!
I love that Im not the same girl I was before, I love who God has grown me to be and how I continue to see his plan. We seem to want to hold onto who we were bc we are scared. Scared we will have to do too much changing. We are afraid that WE can't do it or change what WE need to. Truth is WE can't do it, thats what faith is. Faith in Jesus Christ changing us into who created us to be. We all at some point in our lives have a decision to make. Until we give our lives to God our souls are dead, we need Jesus to breath life into them. We are created to need him! Before then we can't change because we can't see how to. Oh how i wish i had 10 or probably 50 pages to give more detail into how much work He has done in my life. And thank God for being the third party in my marriage, I can't imagine we would ever have made it even 10 years if He was not.
So I will continue to learn how to love my husband but I will not try to go back and be the person I was when we where dating, I don't ever want that pre-cancer Laura back: this is who I am this is where God has brought me and I'd rather be here in his arms STRONG then on my own WEAK!!!
may God speak to your inner most heart today and remeber that we can't let go of hurt until we let God deal with it, let Jesus' blood cover it.
laura
I always knew when i woke up from surgery my super hero josh would be waiting for me, what i didn't know is that in the years to come with my scarred body, scarred and bruised soul that he would still be here loving me and patiently waiting for me. Now trust me he has his own story for personal growth, i'll let him blog about that someday:) But this is my story, I have to relive it so I can see that he made a choice. I used to be bitter that he was such a super hero bc our lives at home didn't feel like such a love story of a 18yr olds to stay together through thick and thin. I thought he would look to much like the bad guy to break up with a girl who had cancer. Here's what he says about that--- "i was given two options: to stay with you and live through a forever life changing event, sickness, and emotions- or break up with the woman I love and forever feel a gap in my life." --- turns out the life changing events have been hard, so hard- but eternally amazing!
I love that Im not the same girl I was before, I love who God has grown me to be and how I continue to see his plan. We seem to want to hold onto who we were bc we are scared. Scared we will have to do too much changing. We are afraid that WE can't do it or change what WE need to. Truth is WE can't do it, thats what faith is. Faith in Jesus Christ changing us into who created us to be. We all at some point in our lives have a decision to make. Until we give our lives to God our souls are dead, we need Jesus to breath life into them. We are created to need him! Before then we can't change because we can't see how to. Oh how i wish i had 10 or probably 50 pages to give more detail into how much work He has done in my life. And thank God for being the third party in my marriage, I can't imagine we would ever have made it even 10 years if He was not.
So I will continue to learn how to love my husband but I will not try to go back and be the person I was when we where dating, I don't ever want that pre-cancer Laura back: this is who I am this is where God has brought me and I'd rather be here in his arms STRONG then on my own WEAK!!!
may God speak to your inner most heart today and remeber that we can't let go of hurt until we let God deal with it, let Jesus' blood cover it.
laura
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Get me outta this mall!!!!
Proverbs 4: 23
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (emphasis mine)
So I am praying for my husband this morning and this verse is on the list (of 31 days of praying for your husband). And it strikes me as I read the commentary is talking on our hearts, that God created for love and desire, but we need to make sure those desires and affections push us in the right direction and not lead us into sin. We need to keep our eyes forward and not get sidetracked on detours that lead us down the wrong path. So here's an example.
So I when I go shopping for clothes I may really need, I get into the mall and all around me is all my insecurities in flashing lights. Women nicely dressed, trendy clothes, shopping bags in tow. Mannequins staring at me in the latest fashion, different than what I just saw in the magazine bc now they have changed. Sales flashing but in reality all the newest styles priced above average. And when I walk into the store I don't feel happy, I feel overwhelmed and depressed. I literally have to start in one corner and move through the store not jumping around too much and keeping my eyes on one thing at a time. Then when out of the corner of my eye I look across the hall to another store and see a cute outfit in the window and think "maybe thats the outfit that will finally make me feel 'up to par' " its really never enough bc once i get an outfit im depressed I don't have shoes or accessories. And then i leave the store and see someone in something better and again I don't feel happy about my purchase I feel like I need to keep going. Then I talk to one of my friends who says they just got this great 30% of a 30% sale so they got a shirt for 4$ and then I feel guilty. I just spent 100$ and feel exhausted but in reality I should've looked around more for sales...........
This may sound crazy to those who don't have this sort of self- esteem issue but maybe can relate in another way. But here is my point, I know i struggle with this. I know look at shopping different. I can't randomly shop, it has to be purposeful. I can't run into target for toilet paper and quick look at dresses. It engulfs my time and my energy. I am protecting my heart from sin. From that feeling of anxiety, from feeling under provided for and then feeling guilty for giving into the temptation of basing my everything on what others think of me. And now with my daughter, being sooo careful I don't impose my insecurities on to her. Yes, she likes shopping and picking out clothes, but what if one day she doesn't? or wants something not trendy. I truly battle mornings when she comes out in something less cute than I know she can wear, and not saying anything. "God protect my mouth from saying anything to my beautiful daughter!" and then I can see it.... and I can grow/learn. Now, I just have to be able to protect myself from my own thoughts :) GAURD your hearts. Relationships that are unhealthy, work that is unsatisfying and unessary, even church related activities that are overwhelming or guilt ridden. As a women differentiating things that are God given passions of mine that keep me on the right path and then desires that just fulfill "self" is a blurry line sometimes. So this verse is my prayer not just for my husband today but for myself and for anyone reading this. Are we more afraid of other people's opinions? or are we doing things to stay on Gods path and feel his fulfillment?
Ok so seriously though if I start just like wearing holey sweatpants and tshirts will someone intervene and be my shopping buddy so Im not afraid!?! ;0) Isn't it funny how the things you perceive someone may have under complete control is their one insecurity.......
Let God be your protector, and let him guard you heart and guide your path,
Laura
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (emphasis mine)
So I am praying for my husband this morning and this verse is on the list (of 31 days of praying for your husband). And it strikes me as I read the commentary is talking on our hearts, that God created for love and desire, but we need to make sure those desires and affections push us in the right direction and not lead us into sin. We need to keep our eyes forward and not get sidetracked on detours that lead us down the wrong path. So here's an example.
So I when I go shopping for clothes I may really need, I get into the mall and all around me is all my insecurities in flashing lights. Women nicely dressed, trendy clothes, shopping bags in tow. Mannequins staring at me in the latest fashion, different than what I just saw in the magazine bc now they have changed. Sales flashing but in reality all the newest styles priced above average. And when I walk into the store I don't feel happy, I feel overwhelmed and depressed. I literally have to start in one corner and move through the store not jumping around too much and keeping my eyes on one thing at a time. Then when out of the corner of my eye I look across the hall to another store and see a cute outfit in the window and think "maybe thats the outfit that will finally make me feel 'up to par' " its really never enough bc once i get an outfit im depressed I don't have shoes or accessories. And then i leave the store and see someone in something better and again I don't feel happy about my purchase I feel like I need to keep going. Then I talk to one of my friends who says they just got this great 30% of a 30% sale so they got a shirt for 4$ and then I feel guilty. I just spent 100$ and feel exhausted but in reality I should've looked around more for sales...........
This may sound crazy to those who don't have this sort of self- esteem issue but maybe can relate in another way. But here is my point, I know i struggle with this. I know look at shopping different. I can't randomly shop, it has to be purposeful. I can't run into target for toilet paper and quick look at dresses. It engulfs my time and my energy. I am protecting my heart from sin. From that feeling of anxiety, from feeling under provided for and then feeling guilty for giving into the temptation of basing my everything on what others think of me. And now with my daughter, being sooo careful I don't impose my insecurities on to her. Yes, she likes shopping and picking out clothes, but what if one day she doesn't? or wants something not trendy. I truly battle mornings when she comes out in something less cute than I know she can wear, and not saying anything. "God protect my mouth from saying anything to my beautiful daughter!" and then I can see it.... and I can grow/learn. Now, I just have to be able to protect myself from my own thoughts :) GAURD your hearts. Relationships that are unhealthy, work that is unsatisfying and unessary, even church related activities that are overwhelming or guilt ridden. As a women differentiating things that are God given passions of mine that keep me on the right path and then desires that just fulfill "self" is a blurry line sometimes. So this verse is my prayer not just for my husband today but for myself and for anyone reading this. Are we more afraid of other people's opinions? or are we doing things to stay on Gods path and feel his fulfillment?
Ok so seriously though if I start just like wearing holey sweatpants and tshirts will someone intervene and be my shopping buddy so Im not afraid!?! ;0) Isn't it funny how the things you perceive someone may have under complete control is their one insecurity.......
Let God be your protector, and let him guard you heart and guide your path,
Laura
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
when i can't see the big picture....
Well, so it's been a few days and that is not to say I haven't had anything to write..I have had lots to write and no time to write or been a afraid of what I would say. This morning I am feeling a clearer through the fog of what can be my mind sometimes. However just a mental note that staying up to 12:30 am does not help fog but sometimes there are not enough hours in the day, right?
So, my struggle that is reigning in my mind is that of my daughter. I need to explain that currently at my children's young ages I have a completely different bond with both of them. I had a different adoption process with both, I was in a different mindset and place when their adoptions occurred and they were babies. I feel like the struggles I have now stem from that bond/or lack of when my daughter was born. I don't like admitting and talking about this bc I love my daughter with all my being. I look at her and would lay down my life for her. I want more than ever to have her first year of life over again. And since I can't have that as a do over I wonder sometimes what our relationship would be like if i could do it over. But that can not happen. I can't go back I can only go forward. And I know God works all things for his glory his purpose and I know he has used this insecurity in me to better my life and hers. But here is where doubt sinks in. When her and I fight it is like she can look right into my soul and see my insecurities about how I rely on her approval as a mom. can she really? no. but I choose to let myself think that somehow in some way, she would be happier or better off living with her birthfamily. Now that was a huge statement. I just threw it out there bc you know what? its a secret and im sick of hiding things that are toxic to my mind. I never in my life want to NOT have her, but as a mom you want the best for your child and when i see her sad about her skin color being different or her hair being different than ours it makes my heart ACHE. When i deal with her strong personality or louder voice and then think about my young youth i remember my little blonde hair and sitting nicely in church, i think "wow, God why have you chosen this path for me?" yet at the same time I am SEEING exactly why He has chosen this path for me.
so heres what happened this weekend. I got some pictures from her birthdad and also of her biological siblings. She says, (very sweetly and innocently)"i want to live with my birthdad, don't you think he is sad?" well, i usually hold my composure very well in those times, explain and then as a mom later i stew on it i think why do i even have to answer that question? like WHO has to answer that question.?!? So what I think my main issue is that I see her as a child that I love so much I want nothing more than to physically make her mine. I tell her I wish i could have carried her in my stomach, when she asks why. But then we talk about that that doesn't make her any more mine than adopting her bc that is just how God brought her to us. Its like I know the story is great, and the lessons are great and in the end it is great! but dealing with the day to days is just hard sometimes. Its so crazy bc now the second time around, maybe bc it was with a son, I don't struggle with those issues. But this mother/daughter relationship is one I am in much need of prayer about and will constantly im sure. I really have to get over thinking things would change or be different if I would have just bonded with her more that first year. I just didn't know how. But it makes me feel good to know that God is growing me, I am understanding this adoption world and understanding how God moves in our uncomfortable times. He doesn't want to take the feeling of being a mom away from me, He wants to help me learn and understand how he hand picked my children brought them into my life and not take for granted his plan of complete love for me as his adopted child. yep it all sinks in, just takes me awhile sometimes :) im sure more of these life lessons to come.
heres to an amazing day!
laura
So, my struggle that is reigning in my mind is that of my daughter. I need to explain that currently at my children's young ages I have a completely different bond with both of them. I had a different adoption process with both, I was in a different mindset and place when their adoptions occurred and they were babies. I feel like the struggles I have now stem from that bond/or lack of when my daughter was born. I don't like admitting and talking about this bc I love my daughter with all my being. I look at her and would lay down my life for her. I want more than ever to have her first year of life over again. And since I can't have that as a do over I wonder sometimes what our relationship would be like if i could do it over. But that can not happen. I can't go back I can only go forward. And I know God works all things for his glory his purpose and I know he has used this insecurity in me to better my life and hers. But here is where doubt sinks in. When her and I fight it is like she can look right into my soul and see my insecurities about how I rely on her approval as a mom. can she really? no. but I choose to let myself think that somehow in some way, she would be happier or better off living with her birthfamily. Now that was a huge statement. I just threw it out there bc you know what? its a secret and im sick of hiding things that are toxic to my mind. I never in my life want to NOT have her, but as a mom you want the best for your child and when i see her sad about her skin color being different or her hair being different than ours it makes my heart ACHE. When i deal with her strong personality or louder voice and then think about my young youth i remember my little blonde hair and sitting nicely in church, i think "wow, God why have you chosen this path for me?" yet at the same time I am SEEING exactly why He has chosen this path for me.
so heres what happened this weekend. I got some pictures from her birthdad and also of her biological siblings. She says, (very sweetly and innocently)"i want to live with my birthdad, don't you think he is sad?" well, i usually hold my composure very well in those times, explain and then as a mom later i stew on it i think why do i even have to answer that question? like WHO has to answer that question.?!? So what I think my main issue is that I see her as a child that I love so much I want nothing more than to physically make her mine. I tell her I wish i could have carried her in my stomach, when she asks why. But then we talk about that that doesn't make her any more mine than adopting her bc that is just how God brought her to us. Its like I know the story is great, and the lessons are great and in the end it is great! but dealing with the day to days is just hard sometimes. Its so crazy bc now the second time around, maybe bc it was with a son, I don't struggle with those issues. But this mother/daughter relationship is one I am in much need of prayer about and will constantly im sure. I really have to get over thinking things would change or be different if I would have just bonded with her more that first year. I just didn't know how. But it makes me feel good to know that God is growing me, I am understanding this adoption world and understanding how God moves in our uncomfortable times. He doesn't want to take the feeling of being a mom away from me, He wants to help me learn and understand how he hand picked my children brought them into my life and not take for granted his plan of complete love for me as his adopted child. yep it all sinks in, just takes me awhile sometimes :) im sure more of these life lessons to come.
heres to an amazing day!
laura
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
I just wanna LIVE!
ahhh back at my morning hours... love it... almost didn't get up.... almost didn't meet God in this hour before my house stirs.... what i would've missed. I mean im just gonna dive right in this morning. my fingers are messing up im so excited.
right now im listening to "i will not be moved" by natalie grant. my scream in the car, cry to God song, "on the Christ the solid ground i stand all other ground is sinking sand" how many times in my life has satan been right there to make me whine make me sad make me give me opportunities to feel broken... and I will NOT be moved!!!!
I listened to Beth Moore this morning and was laughing out loud. http://http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/living-proof-with-beth-moore/player/the-inheritance-dvd-1-of-9-162348.html
So heres what im thinking. Josh and I just keep having these realizations of what are life really looks like. I just sit with him and we name all we have on our plate and then try to figure out how the heck to stop it! Its great we have work; work is good but we are busy check life off a "to-do"list kinda people. Some of my friends marry there opposites and are balanced out by that, i am not. I am busy and Josh is busier. But God put us together and for that I am eternally grateful and He put us together so we would bring Him glory by learning and growing. How many times to i hear stories of people living in complete bliss only to find out they are divorced years later?? Ya we have had some crap to live through some serious cords have been bonded between us. So ya 10 yrs later here we are still growing:) thats right 10 yrs of prep time!!! All we have been through, listen to this 10 months after we started dating I got my cancer diagnoses. So for 13 almost 14 years we have lived this live in drama survival mode. Not many people I know start there marriages off in that mode. But that's my story, i own it. I love, love where we are now, what we learn how we grow. That doesn't mean i wake up every morning feeling amazing mushiness of overwhelming happiness and love for my husband. But gratefulness, and i look at him and see God's grace through him. We have been bonded by Christ and we someday will live together in heaven with no worries, no sickness, no business, but everlasting fun excitement and joy.
Time. Time on this earth is so short, it feels so unbearably long sometimes, but then, especially after kids, it flies by. So why do i worry, why do i wonder what God has planned with me?! As I see it, i see him using all he has given me to prep me for what is to come. The one major thing I learned this morning is that God did not say to his children "go forth and be good" he said go forth and believe in God, live in the faith that once you have given your life to him and he is your savior that you will spend ETERNITY (not now on earth)in complete perfection. This life is hard, but sometimes we make it harder. I just feel such a release taking off the expectations and burdens of guilt off my shoulders from this world and putting on his light load. His load is so light because it is one thing. Follow me. When im frustrated with my job he says, "just follow me", when im irritated with my family he says,"just follow me", when I feel burdened he says, "give me your load so you can more easily follow me". How do i do that? I let go. I literally have to change my mindset. One thing lately is embracing exactly how God created me, it wasn't a mistake. So my daughter is up now, and not amused im not paying 100% attention to her. And i just said, "honey you don't want to get in trouble because you are bored" So i think thats a good lesson for me to end my thoughts on for myself. I don't want to give into temptation bc i think in my "eeyore" head..."well this is my life... this is how its supposed to be... i have to serve others.... be a slave to my family.....i have to follow the bible....i have to be pefect, i have to just do good and be good" nope. thats not living. thats not Godly living, thats the worlds' perception on what it means be a christian, boring rules boring life. Thats not how i feel- i feel thankfull i feel blessed i feel so excited for where God has brought me and my eternity with him. I feel, for the first time in a long time, able to put things in perspective and live, i just want to LIVE!!!
Gods heiress,
laura
right now im listening to "i will not be moved" by natalie grant. my scream in the car, cry to God song, "on the Christ the solid ground i stand all other ground is sinking sand" how many times in my life has satan been right there to make me whine make me sad make me give me opportunities to feel broken... and I will NOT be moved!!!!
I listened to Beth Moore this morning and was laughing out loud. http://http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/living-proof-with-beth-moore/player/the-inheritance-dvd-1-of-9-162348.html
So heres what im thinking. Josh and I just keep having these realizations of what are life really looks like. I just sit with him and we name all we have on our plate and then try to figure out how the heck to stop it! Its great we have work; work is good but we are busy check life off a "to-do"list kinda people. Some of my friends marry there opposites and are balanced out by that, i am not. I am busy and Josh is busier. But God put us together and for that I am eternally grateful and He put us together so we would bring Him glory by learning and growing. How many times to i hear stories of people living in complete bliss only to find out they are divorced years later?? Ya we have had some crap to live through some serious cords have been bonded between us. So ya 10 yrs later here we are still growing:) thats right 10 yrs of prep time!!! All we have been through, listen to this 10 months after we started dating I got my cancer diagnoses. So for 13 almost 14 years we have lived this live in drama survival mode. Not many people I know start there marriages off in that mode. But that's my story, i own it. I love, love where we are now, what we learn how we grow. That doesn't mean i wake up every morning feeling amazing mushiness of overwhelming happiness and love for my husband. But gratefulness, and i look at him and see God's grace through him. We have been bonded by Christ and we someday will live together in heaven with no worries, no sickness, no business, but everlasting fun excitement and joy.
Time. Time on this earth is so short, it feels so unbearably long sometimes, but then, especially after kids, it flies by. So why do i worry, why do i wonder what God has planned with me?! As I see it, i see him using all he has given me to prep me for what is to come. The one major thing I learned this morning is that God did not say to his children "go forth and be good" he said go forth and believe in God, live in the faith that once you have given your life to him and he is your savior that you will spend ETERNITY (not now on earth)in complete perfection. This life is hard, but sometimes we make it harder. I just feel such a release taking off the expectations and burdens of guilt off my shoulders from this world and putting on his light load. His load is so light because it is one thing. Follow me. When im frustrated with my job he says, "just follow me", when im irritated with my family he says,"just follow me", when I feel burdened he says, "give me your load so you can more easily follow me". How do i do that? I let go. I literally have to change my mindset. One thing lately is embracing exactly how God created me, it wasn't a mistake. So my daughter is up now, and not amused im not paying 100% attention to her. And i just said, "honey you don't want to get in trouble because you are bored" So i think thats a good lesson for me to end my thoughts on for myself. I don't want to give into temptation bc i think in my "eeyore" head..."well this is my life... this is how its supposed to be... i have to serve others.... be a slave to my family.....i have to follow the bible....i have to be pefect, i have to just do good and be good" nope. thats not living. thats not Godly living, thats the worlds' perception on what it means be a christian, boring rules boring life. Thats not how i feel- i feel thankfull i feel blessed i feel so excited for where God has brought me and my eternity with him. I feel, for the first time in a long time, able to put things in perspective and live, i just want to LIVE!!!
Gods heiress,
laura
Monday, August 1, 2011
oh motherhood
Hi! Well a few things before I get started on my thoughts of the day. I just have to say first off that if you have never had a mixed berry"power crunch" protein bar, you have not lived. You know those wafers cookies that have cream in them that are chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry? Well these bars taste like those AND have a white chocolate coating, i think they have 14gr protein and only 5 or 3 gr of sugar. ALL the flavors are good and you can get them at HyVee. Also, on my journey I have now had the weirdest thing ever 0sugar 0carb 0fat salad dressing. this one was chipolte ranch, so its kinda good, probably as can be expected but all day i have a taste like i smoked a cig and/or drank a pot of unflavored bad coffee. Not cool, maybe there was liquid smoke or something in it to give it that taste??oh well, that is what gum is for i guess. So ya, going good on my new habits of eating, I just made my family linguine with cheese/marinara sauce and shrimp so im not gonna lie, it looked good and makes me a little sad to know i wont be eating it tonight. But its not forever. :) Have you ever heard the saying "will that taste as good as fitting into your jeans will feel?" I think its a weight watchers statement who knows, but it is so true and a good realization for me. I just so excited about all these things that are coming into play. Our last year has been full of so many decisions and struggles that it is good to be on the "figuring stuff out" side.
In all honesty just like any other time, the one thing that struggles as I dive into a new project, my devotional time. I was at the grocery store, calling clients, at work, oops my daughter didn't have her swimsuit quick ran and got that too daycare, back to work, now home to make supper, then back to work until 9pm. So why didn't I get up early this morning and just do it first thing?! same reason i always make, I don't have to be to work until later so i'll have plenty of time later. Well, i don't want to fall into that rut again. I have a problem multitasking, and yes i said problem. Its no longer a super hero trait as i once assumed. Im realizing if I'm somewhere i need to be ALL there. Not 10 different places. Im a little nervous about kindergarten starting for that reason alone. that i will forget to make mya do her homework, forget to pack her lunch, etc. well, that actually has been my worst fear creeping in lately. mentally I feel a little overtook by my worry about this world gobbling up my little girl. She can have such strong thoughts and view points and is so mature for her age, but the second a 7 yr old girl, any older girl in her mind is so much cool, ask her to do something naughty she'd be all over it. Well at least thats what my mind says. This is just all worse bc her and I have butted heads for two days, eye rolling, talking back, being sassy, you know the "girl" drill. Last night she was crying bc i said we couldn't go get a movie before we do her hair(it takes a good hour to do her hair) bc that was her consequence for the way she was acting ( and oh, she drew a calendar on her wall in pen for her "class" she was teaching) Well huge tears and murmurings of how she doesn't want to be sassy and she can't stop crying bc she is just so sad about not getting a movie. oh my. I just feel like at any moment i could loose her to her attitude. I pray for God to continue to move in her heart and he answers me in small moments of the wise things, spiritual things, she says to me. So going into this school thing i will have to be on my prayer "A" game. Josh and I love the book "gospel powered parenting" by william p. farley. And one of the biggest things for me to remember is that there is nothing we can do to give salvation to our children, thats between God and them. But it is about us living it out and giving them the tools to deal with all this world shoves at them. We protect as we feel needed to a certain point and then when something comes up we look at it a learning moment. Also, I need to remember instead of being such a rule monger-is that a word?- or so bent on her being perfect that I remember to deal more with heart issues than little things. but im learning, for instance i said no to the justin bieber backpack but i said she could get a notebook with him on it. see how nice i am?!?! but i mean seriously she's five!! but whatever i heard his songs and there kinda cute and not in bad taste, so im cool with this fan favorite :) ugh, i love being a momma but this job is never done is it? ask any women with kids out of the house, you just never stop worrying. Thankfully I have an amazing perspective from adoption being that my children are truly from God given to me here on earth to raise and to teach Jesus to them. ultimately they are his and in HIS hands, thankfully!! Just like I am adopted into His family so are we all when we give our lives to him and except what he did when he sent his son here to die for us! wow never can I imagine sending my child to die in place of this world in all its scariness and perversion. Thank you Jesus for my children and for this amazing responsibility you have given me. Thank you that you knew I was the perfect choice to mother Mya and Payton. You know all their traits and downfalls and also all there strengths and abilities, please help me to encourage these and to always give you room to move and to work in there lives. Help me to step out of my own way.
laura
In all honesty just like any other time, the one thing that struggles as I dive into a new project, my devotional time. I was at the grocery store, calling clients, at work, oops my daughter didn't have her swimsuit quick ran and got that too daycare, back to work, now home to make supper, then back to work until 9pm. So why didn't I get up early this morning and just do it first thing?! same reason i always make, I don't have to be to work until later so i'll have plenty of time later. Well, i don't want to fall into that rut again. I have a problem multitasking, and yes i said problem. Its no longer a super hero trait as i once assumed. Im realizing if I'm somewhere i need to be ALL there. Not 10 different places. Im a little nervous about kindergarten starting for that reason alone. that i will forget to make mya do her homework, forget to pack her lunch, etc. well, that actually has been my worst fear creeping in lately. mentally I feel a little overtook by my worry about this world gobbling up my little girl. She can have such strong thoughts and view points and is so mature for her age, but the second a 7 yr old girl, any older girl in her mind is so much cool, ask her to do something naughty she'd be all over it. Well at least thats what my mind says. This is just all worse bc her and I have butted heads for two days, eye rolling, talking back, being sassy, you know the "girl" drill. Last night she was crying bc i said we couldn't go get a movie before we do her hair(it takes a good hour to do her hair) bc that was her consequence for the way she was acting ( and oh, she drew a calendar on her wall in pen for her "class" she was teaching) Well huge tears and murmurings of how she doesn't want to be sassy and she can't stop crying bc she is just so sad about not getting a movie. oh my. I just feel like at any moment i could loose her to her attitude. I pray for God to continue to move in her heart and he answers me in small moments of the wise things, spiritual things, she says to me. So going into this school thing i will have to be on my prayer "A" game. Josh and I love the book "gospel powered parenting" by william p. farley. And one of the biggest things for me to remember is that there is nothing we can do to give salvation to our children, thats between God and them. But it is about us living it out and giving them the tools to deal with all this world shoves at them. We protect as we feel needed to a certain point and then when something comes up we look at it a learning moment. Also, I need to remember instead of being such a rule monger-is that a word?- or so bent on her being perfect that I remember to deal more with heart issues than little things. but im learning, for instance i said no to the justin bieber backpack but i said she could get a notebook with him on it. see how nice i am?!?! but i mean seriously she's five!! but whatever i heard his songs and there kinda cute and not in bad taste, so im cool with this fan favorite :) ugh, i love being a momma but this job is never done is it? ask any women with kids out of the house, you just never stop worrying. Thankfully I have an amazing perspective from adoption being that my children are truly from God given to me here on earth to raise and to teach Jesus to them. ultimately they are his and in HIS hands, thankfully!! Just like I am adopted into His family so are we all when we give our lives to him and except what he did when he sent his son here to die for us! wow never can I imagine sending my child to die in place of this world in all its scariness and perversion. Thank you Jesus for my children and for this amazing responsibility you have given me. Thank you that you knew I was the perfect choice to mother Mya and Payton. You know all their traits and downfalls and also all there strengths and abilities, please help me to encourage these and to always give you room to move and to work in there lives. Help me to step out of my own way.
laura
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