An EPIC Day

Major things can happen in one day huh?! I had quite the epic day yesterday. You know how sometimes you can just sit at the edge of cliff for some time and then one day a breeze comes across and just pushes you off? Well here it is. Before I begin my story I have to say I feel pretty amazing about all this but that's not how it started.

So if I haven't said before, I'm a hairstylist. In the world of the salon though you do hair, you rarely get your own hair done. You touch up here and there, you get by you grab someone when you can. Definitely not a nice sit down get pampered experience. I have needed something new for awhile and had thought and thought and looked and looked. But have had my hair growing for years now so knew i didn't want to cut it. So i decided to go from darker to lighter, ish. Well for some reason since i booked my apt a week ago and it looked like there was room in the salon for a nice amount of time, i thought it would be a nice process. But i really should've know better esp. on a friday. So ok ill speed this up, when you are going lighter from dark you always have the risk of damage. That said, after washing my hair out and in between clients and sitting and mixing and all the commotion, i took a minute and went to the back room to comb out my wet hair before the next stage. Also, this is like an hour past i was supposed to pick up my kiddos (i promised my daughter we would go to lunch). As i was by myself starring in the mirror, i had on no makeup and after staring at myself in sweat pants for an hour and just plain feeling ugly, i began combing. I began pulling out comb fulls of hair after comb fulls of hair. It was like chemo all over, i was in shock. I began crying and hyperventilating thinking through what i would do. everyone was booked and no one even had time to finish my hair let alone FIX my hair!!! I had to stop combing and just stand and cry.....My blanket, the one thing about me that felt pretty lately my long hair was going to be gone. After a few nice words and a hug from our massage therapist i composed my red eyes grabbed my phone. My good friend also does hair and i called her and she said to come right over, she had some time. Thank you God. I almost ran out and began driving and praying. "ok God maybe it is time maybe you have a plan". when i walked in her eyes were hilarious, she thought i was over reacting, nope.... not so much. Immediately it was so calming to see her. Her and i have been friends for over 10 yrs and have been through many "life" events on both our ends. Our friendship has paused and come back stronger through Christ and we have both grown so much but I love seeing God work on her and her heart. Her attitude calmed me down and we began cutting, like 8 inches by 8 inches cutting, then coloring to go back dark, then cutting some more then cutting some more. But do you know I wasn't thinking about the hair anymore. We had a chance to catch up, to talk peacefully in a quiet atmosphere about where our hearts are, what was going on and how God was moving in our lives. And then it happened. I looked in the mirror and realized i had my trendy look of short stylish hair back. Yep first I got my purse, now I was getting my style back. I was looking at my reflection and it was like this horrible blanket of the dark last year had been lifted, who's body is this?!?! i asked next. this isn't me. this isn't how i treat Gods temple, its not about weight its about a complete disregard to care for myself bc im too overstressed to take time to care. its me letting my past creep in and take over my mind of self destruction and loathing of hopelessness. NO MORE. I drove over, immediately after thanking and singing praises to my dear friend,to my old doctors building where I have in the past done an eating plan. Im ready to take a month(to start) and kick this habit. Im ready to be Laura again.


Im brought to tears just saying that. I wish i could express how hard it is to loose yourself and then slowly see God bring your smile back, bring your hope back, bring who he made you to be out. its not about a purse or hair or body fat, its about closing myself out, putting myself into the darkness bc i thought it was more comfortable here. ITS NOT!!! this verse reigns in my head the last two weeks "I am the way the truth and the light" NOT "food is the way, or clothes are the way, or perfection, I-God. It popped in my head and has been continuing to remind me that all my other ways are not going to last, all my other roads to happiness are not going to always follow through. This world will fade away, God will reign forever.





yep all this from a haircut:) Maybe God continue to be full amazing moments in my life, amazing revelations as I study His word and listen to the spirit. And thank you, thank you God for ALL the amazing friends in my life!!!

May you reflect on you life through Gods eyes,

Laura

too many thoughts.... must blog now!!!

(i don't have time to grammer check this so good luck!!)well I wasn't going to write this morning but i feel i need to get this stuff out that is bogging my mind. I was such a Debbie Downer yesterday, one of those mornings. first off no sleep which never starts your day right. Charles Stanley said beware and H.A.L.T (maybe he didn't invent it but that's where i heard it) beware of lurking temptation when you are H-ungery A-angy L-onely T-ired. After i read it i was like "ok when am i NOT hungry angry lonely or tired?!?!" anyway, a crabby sick teething 15 month old seemed to not sleep much and also a sick 5 yr old with allergies coughing all night and then up early. meltdowns at hyvee trying to get a few errands done in 110 degree humidity- all leads to hopeless thoughts on my end.


Sometimes I just get so tired of false hopes. So this week i started at the gym again since my month of from sickness, allergy break out and yes, my staph infection boil(which by the way... still not gone, its like my new appendage) so i work out just running no big deal, eat fairly well, much better during the day not super at night but still better, and yep... gained 3 pounds. Seriously if anyone tells me im gaining muscle i'll jump through the computer, bc thats what my husband has said to me and now he won't say that again :) then im exhausted and think oh for once i'll take a nap bc i think both kids should nap: one is asleep in car, one will fall asleep when we get home. nope, 5 yr old settled and sleeping then the baby wakes up and cries for and hour. maybe longer. ok shrug it off, well once i get moving and everyone is up things start to turn around and we made some food and then i was off to work, im not gonna lie, i was a little excited i had to work!


but heres my false promises problem. when you are in the doctor realm most of your life you get really negative when people promise you fixes and the things is the other guy offers you his just as strongly. aaahhhh how do you know!? Now we are trying to deal with my daughters allergies and I know we can do it, but after a year and lots of money, of one thing we are on to the next. My husband said this to me "you always get so excited about things and then are so let down" OK now later he realized that that was a little harsh :) but here's' what i've learned about myself: you know, i am happy with how God made me. I do get passionate about things, it gets things going I just need to not have my expectations too high for worldly things. And I am a women, yes that should've been obvious, but I think i am realizing that is more than external and embracing the emotions and desires in my heart.
I am slowly being torn from my old staples of cute clothes, high heeled shoes, purse shopping and trendy hair. That doesn't mean I wont still enjoy those things I think that God blesses us with hobbies, but not for us to confuse them with passions or idols. So right now, my boil, my extra flabby arms, my flat orthopedic shoes, my old clothes, and WAAAITT i just got a new purse for my birthday!!! see?!?! im slowly coming out of it!! oh i new writing this blog this morning would help separate my thoughts:) i just read that last line and its sounds superficial but i think thats ok bc everything in this earth is superficial. God meets ALL my expectations, he fills my love tank FULL, he NEVER has false promises! my itching ears may want to some days hear what this world has to say and think its truth but if its not in the bible if its not from Gods lips to my heart its not worth getting my hopes up. Heaven, heaven is worth getting my hopes up!!!! ok off to my day! even though we(my daughter) did the nebulizer this morning at 6am i still went to the gym for 1/2 hour which normally i would give up, not go to gym and eat bad all day, nope not today :)

Blessings Disguised

So one of my least favorite sayings is when you are so down and out, so beyond wanting any positive feedback and someone says, "well God will work it out" or "the silver lining to this is..." and most of all, "well sometimes blessings are disguised". Seriously?! We have a saying in our family its..."that sucks". BC you know what, sometimes you just need to say that sucks, there is not anything positive in the moment of feeling like your insides are gonna fall out after surgery nothing special in the moment of a birth mom deciding she is going to keep her baby she was going to give you after you already bought your plane tickets, nope they just suck. NOOOOWWW, after those past here is where I am at. Some of there moments in my life took longer some I am coming around a lot quicker.
I was going to blog last night and I'm glad i waited. I had so much in my head and really I want to follow up on my last post. I tend to want to expand my knowledge and write on that instead of digging into my soul, and that's what this blog is supposed to be about.
So something I am seeing so much clearer these days is how to i tend to keep myself in darkness. You see satan loooves the dark. He can prowl around a lot longer mostly bc he has to flee from any sign or mention of Jesus and where there is Jesus there is light. So many times during my sickness and surgeries it took my a long while to allow this light in, like I said God never left my side I am his child I have given him my life, that does not mean I had yet let him begin to heal my soul and my life. There are so many deep dark areas in our lives that we think we an overcome and you can plan on satan swarming that area until you give it to him. I hate this memory but i have healed through it so Im going to share it.
After my most recent recent surgery which was a hysterectomy after my daughter was adopted. My mom was staying with us bc of course with me they had to do the full internal surgery and I was down for another 6-8 weeks. I was already feeling horrible watching my life my family all moving around me as i yet again sat on the couch every day, when this though crept into my mind. "why would you even adopt a child? don't you think there was a reason God made it so that you couldn't have children for a reason? did you really think you could handle this?"" you are NOT supposed to be a mom!" It was after she went to bed and I immediately began sobbing and screaming at my mom and husband that I don't care anymore about anything, I don't want to be a mom I shouldn't be a mom and I want curl up and let everyone else have a life. This was the second time in my life I can remember begging God to just take me home, one other was recovering from one of my surgeries. Both times I just remember crying that kinda cry where you know you sound like a 3 yr old and you cant stop blubbering and making noises and you just say whatever you want in the moment even if you swear in front of your mom?! The most amazing thing about those moments is I truly think that God loves them. He's like "thank you Child, thank you for opening up your wound so I can work" I think he wants us to pour our hearts out especially in front of other members of His family so he can use those moments to heal us. Bc if I had held that thought in any longer I would have exploded with guilt. Now when I feel the darkness creeping in as much and I want to just lie in it, hide there and wait until it passes, I know it wont pass until i shout for Gods hand. And Ive lived too many of these moments to forget that the sooner I do it the sooner I can heal and move on. Everyone wants to move on.... not everyone wants to heal.
(so again, I will share more about my adoptions later, i have to many things going here:)
Right now I am just so seeing and appreciating Gods timing and molding. You know just a few weeks ago I was feeling old. Like "well if God hasn't used me for something its probably too late" i know i know even now I'm writing it and shaking my head at myself, I'm only in my 30's. I was just talking to a dear friend yesterday and she was saying how she admires where i/my family are at this stage in our lives and I was saying how I think that of other couples who get married and have a least there faith so in check and it seems there are so further ahead that we were at the unripe age of 20-21. So we all look at everyone else. Great, now I will look at where I am and realize I am so much further than were I was 10 years ago and how far Gods brought me. okay another realization from Beth Moore- if you haven't lived through some life, if you haven't had hard experiences, you can't be compassionate, you can't understand God's love for you and you can't understand his grace.(that's a summary for what she said)
I have been entrusted these life situations!! God thought i was capable and allowed them to happen and used them all for his glory and my growth. Whenever i find myself wishing I was a weakling who couldn't handle anything so I wouldn't get anything :) I just shake my head and think "are you kidding me Laura??!!" I would NEVER trade who I am in Christ today for any ANY thing I had to endure. If you had told me 10yrs ago what Id endure id want to die right then but that's not how it works. He led me slowly through each thing and allowed me his grace to get through one at a time for what I could handle. Even now when things arise I immediately want to see what he has in store. Because nothing, NOTHING my dear friends is without his almighty purpose, He doesn't make mistakes, He doesn't screw up. And oooh ooooh how I am so thankful He brought me into His light bc in his light I can see my beautiful children, I can see him working in the life of my husband, into this amazing/trusting man of God,(he should start a blog called "what its like to be married to a work in progress :)" I can see my personality and strength in Him, and I can MOST importantly see His grace his forgiveness and his healing.
so yes, yes now I see.... sometimes blessings are disguised, but not by God, by our human sinful nature that sees things from this side, not His eternal side which is never hidden from us we choose whether or not to search for it to open up our bibles and let it pour into us. May your day be filled with blessings undisguised from Gods being into your heart. "your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."
ok preview(since this is so long) i reeeally want to talk about what i've learned about prayer and some struggles (some still ongoing) Ive faced with it. OK really!! I'm done!!!
God's daughter
laura

Duct Tape

I heard this this morning and it is completely changed my plan for my blog today. "Jesus knows its scary to be us". I think its time I talk a little (or a lot, depending on my endurance) to talk about my what life is like after colon cancer or probably any cancer I would imagine. You know I just have such a hard hard time imagining God ever really being just right here next to me going through everything I do. I am very visual person I don't know if I just missed out on the imagination train or what but even if im learning a new haircut I have to SEE what is being done and then without even reading anything I can imagine it in my mind. So for me to have true intimacy with God I really have to concentrate on his word and speakers that bring it alive to me. I tell you this bc that is why this statement was such an eye opener to me.
So let me fill you in ...... So yes I had colon cancer when I was 18 and if you ask me now I will tell you that the 1-2 years going through with chemo and radiotion, it was not nearly as bad as the 10 years to follow. Surgeries to fix and remove organs damaged by radiation, my health constantly being under attack bc of my broken down immune system, my ability to have biological children taken away, menopause at 19, and that constant thought in the back of my mind.. even if its a headache..."whats wrong with me now, i wonder if its back" And that last statement is what I want to talk about. You see I feel as though deep in my thoughts underneath everything going on in my mind and my life I have an underlying feeling that one day in my future I will have cancer again. Some days honestly if I let myself think about it I wonder how my body gets out of bed in the morning, praise God. Our bodies are amazing, amen?! heres the deal, I have no large intestine and only part of my small. Which means my nutrition intake is taken down by over half. they explained it to me this way, "while other peoples bodies have a football field to absorb anything they eat or supplement your body only has a first down or a few yards to take in" obviously this was a guy doctor thankfully i watch some football:) If i get sick or have anything go wrong it takes at least double the amount of time to get over it. I feel like ive been duct taped together to keep myself going, seriously?! hormone patches and creams to keep me semi stable, ostomy bags and supplies, supplements to keep some nutrition, thyroid compounds, I have no gallbladder. I sum it up i just tell people anything you absolutely don't need in your body to live they took out of my stomach area. So how can I not, if i let myself dwell on this, begin to think i would not in some way have this happen again?? I feel so brittle so weak .... so useless. I won't open up the can of worms right now about how this all comes into play with adopting my beautiful children( I'll get into that some other day) but when some days, which are a lot lately, I feel so incapable of getting myself out of bed and medicated and nourished: I feel completely incapable of having two children to take care of. Not to mention if they have any special needs to deal with that day. In this past year both my husband and I have just truly realized the load that we carry, not to be compared with anyone else. And I mean that in the way that everyone has there own load and battle that we will never understand. For us it seems although I want so badly to be "normal", that we will just always have a little extra baggage to manage. OK let me explain this normal statement. *sigh* ok here is where publishing your life is a little sketchy but I know know know that someday someone will find this with the same issues or maybe know someone who has them. I know there is no "normal". Let me be blunt I have a illiostomy bag, yep its weird i'll let you research it if you want, but its a bag on my stomach for my colon, yep thats even weirder. ok so back to my rambling,..... somedays i want to not have to get up in the middle of the night and empty it- we recently went camping in a tent and i have to get up with a flashlight and walk to the bathrooms and then quietly try to get back in the tent trying not to wake the kids at like 3am and then try to fall back asleep and get up with kiddos at 6am. Anytime we go on a road trip, or boating I'm the one who has to stop the fun and go to the bathroom. When I get dressed in the morning, every dang morning since i was 19, im 31 now, i have to pick out clothes in which cleverly hide my bag and make sure not to show with my shirt being long enough. every time i go shopping, every time theres a new fashion every time someone says "oh you'd be cute in this dress!" that's like cotton and tight I have to smile and say "oh i just don't like that style" instead of screaming I LOVE THAT DRESS and WOULD LOVE TO WEAR it but my colon bag would show right through it!!!!!! I would love to go shopping for a swimsuit instead of spending countless hours on the Internet searching blogs of other colostomy wearers and looking at measurements of tops and bottoms and types of materials. i used to love summer in my former years and now i dread it. I don't want to research immunity juices and pills and hormones and creams and go to the medical store and get adjustments and get injuries from doing normal exercise. I DON"T.................... but here's the kicker...... this is my little life and you know what I am now starting to SEE Gods bigs plan.... more to come tomorrow im a little emotionally spent after this blog.. May God bless your day and may you share this with anyone you feel in your heart could use it..
Gods daughter, Laura

Pick me!!!

Good morning! Well so here we are a nice beautiful day for once in South Dakota and so far at 9 in the morning life is going good. Had a great devotional this morning and learned so much and have so much running through my head, which means..... if you are reading this you may want to block off your morning :)
I am feeling so on fire about who God has in us when we are his children and in the body of believers. Along with that I am so saddened by how we don't use our abilities and gifts in that body. Everyday we pray... "God give me peace, God give me patience,God give me hope" and you know what?! He already has!! When we become in unity with Christ the Holy Spirit is poured down on us and we posses the likeness of CHRIST!! John 20:22 "and with that he breathed on them and said, "receive the Holy Spirit"." Now I mean are you kidding me? can you imagine in that moment the disciples who had walked and talked with God and then being in fear of losing him and right before he says this in vs. 21 he says "peace be with you!" He was like "come on guys! I am never leaving you you are going to posses me in your souls with the holy spirit! I have to go live in heaven to create a home for your eternity!" And so for me I need a huge hammer to knock that into my stubborn mind, maybe daily!! I am created in Christs' likeness. I posses access to the almighty saviorthrough the Holy Spirit and the fruits of the spirit. Galatians 5:22 says it, "the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control" all I have to do I tap into it.
I am fighting feeling so old and already used up from this life but am beginning to be overjoyed in how God has been prepping me for the rest my life. I am thankful for his strength and his insights and his timing. How as i am in the middle of fire this world has put me in he reaches in quickly and pulls me out, dusts me off and shows me the new refined jewel he has allowed in my life and then used it to glorify him. I also love that as situations arise now I am quickly looking to him to see what is that he has in store. I WANT TO BE USEFUL! doesn't everyone? isn't that how we get into so much trouble, searching for what can make us happy or fulfill our need to be needed. But my cry to God lately is "Father your will be done in my life and God use me in ways I cant' imagine ways that can only bring honor to you and not to me." because when He uses me I feel the overwhelming joy and happiness and am blessed beyond what i can imagine.
So here is my struggle. Knowing and continually focusing on who I am in His eyes. That is very very hard for me. I have huge battles to overcome in the self- esteem area and base my intimate time with him to much with how i feel, satan knows my every move and is prowling around like a lion (1 peter 5) waiting for my guard to go down, waiting for my past to come up. the second i think a bad thought about my body, the second I'm determined I'm not worthy of being a mother, the second i feel sick and am sure i will have another life threatening illness, the second i feel no energy after a normal days activities.... he is watching.... but you know what?! He has no reign in my life!!!! he is not welcome in the house of God and my body is the temple of God!!! So i will continue to fight it I will continue to learn verses and listen to speakers and learn who i am in him and try to see myself through his eyes. and yes continue to blog about it all. :)

Sometimes it takes a boil......

Well here i am on day 16 of having a staph infection on my leg. Just switched antibiotics yesterday so the dreaded appointment if it doesn't get better is wednesday. then... well i'll spare you the details and hopefully i will be spared from even having to go in again. You know you really should NEVER research some things on the wwweb. especially pictures of illnesses you have and people talking about worst case scenarios.. so i am now certain i will have to have to amputate my leg and possibly have a complete shutdown of all my organs ;) So here is my life lesson from this...it has been a long few months of self destruction and by that i mean feeling more than run down- finding low thyroid, having a major allergic reaction to something i've eaten time and time before and now this boil. But what has been most damaging to my soul is the beating i give myself mentally through all this. I haven't been able to go to the gym for almost a month now ( and when i say this hopefully you can understad that this is more than just for my physical health)and when i don't do that i tend to not care as much how i eat and when i do that i tend to just stand in the mirror and tell myself what a complete waste i am and how i have no willpower. THAT IS A LIE!! this morning i was learning about how everthing on this earth, if we are in Christ and he is our savior, is Gods' inheritance to us and we are stewards. EVERYTHING. mathew 25:14 tells a parable about a man going on journey and entrusting his property to his servants. That is us, everything we are given on this earth is entrusted to us our time, our bodies, our work, our land(what we own). The thing is that sometimes I feel so seperated from God and I think through if there is any sin im being unrepentant of and can't think of anything and what im realizing is that a constant sin i have in my life is my abuse of what God has entrused me with. heres the thoughts....."I can't handle having kids" "im a bad wife" "i cant even get to the gym i mights as well not even try to eat healthy" "i hate my body its so different and no one else has to deal with all these problems" "im just going to watch tv all night, my brain already feels like mush from my day" " i can't even fit into my pants! what a loser!" (and many more im maybe to scared to share)you know the drill... the thing is when does it become a passing thought and when does it rule my life... well it has begun to rule when i feel i have no control and im not guarding against it ive given into it. My journey includes recognizing who i am in Christ, how he loves me and how he has given me: not without purpose and good cause: everything in my life to better serve him.. then on the other side of this world i will turn in all my wordly inheritance and recieve the most unimaginable heavenly inheritance perfect in every way and I will bow before my King in awe and amazement at how each day each hour of my life was perfectly designed for me and how through every second never once did He leave my side.

let me leave with this EPHESIANS 1:11
"In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will." AMEN to that!!!

Well Hello There!!

well so here it is... my first blog. I have created my site and now it has taken me one week to sit down and start writing. You see I was reading in the blog directions and it said pick something you are passionate about and create your blog about that. So yes, I am passionate about my husband and my family, but most importantly especially at this point in my life I am passionate about what work God has and is doing within me. Part of that is sharing with others where I have been and what I am going through. So I thought it would be good for my own soul to do some public venting.... some soul venting.... some life venting. All this said I have been nervous to start so I decided I better just sit down and do it!
I do this blog for two reasons:selfishly to help my own crazy mind of thoughts and also in the hopes that someone out there can somehow benefit from my life stories. All my life I tend to to look outside my life to see if someone is out there struggling with the same thing I am, just so I don't feel so alone, just so I don't feel so crazy. Lo and behold as I started opening up to my friends I have found them to be so receptive and assuring that I am not and indeed they have had similar life situations. For those out there who feel so isolated, first and foremost- God knows, God cares, and God is waiting for you to reach out for his hand to help. One thing I learned from Beth Moore http://bethmoore.org today listening to her bible study is that God does NOT force his children into his arms then it would not be free will, but He is continually behind us just waiting for us to turn around and see him there with his arms wide open!! So stay tuned for more to come, I hope to make this a daily habit of mine.