Well, I'll make this one short today. It seems my mornings need to start earlier and earlier with school now. Maybe soon we will have a schedule set, hmm that would be nice :) Well I just wanted to get out of my head all of this conviction I've been having lately. Darn it. Don't you just hate it when you read stuff or hear stuff and you are like, "shoot, that was for me I wish I hadn't heard that now i'm convicted!!" well yesterday I was reading 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 and those are verses about health and our bodies being temples. Which I have done the least amount of concerning with. Treating my body like a slave horse. Pushing through neck and back aches knowing I need to get a massage or a chiropractic visit. Feeling sick from eating fast or making poor food choices. Then I read this sentence in my devotion, "God knows we have infirmities, but He wants us to take care of ourselves so we do not make our condition worse." WOW, I just really even now read that and have so much conviction. I feel like since I've been sick for close to half of my life that my body is pretty washed up and I feel like my effort to protect it is useless. I know this attitude is wrong. This is my body God has given me, like it is still his body it belongs to him. He created me, I have given my life to him, it is not a bad thing that I "belong" to someone its an amazing thing. Since it is Christ, He knows every little thing about my body. How freeing to know that my job is only to do what I know to do, take care of what He's given me and ultimately in His sovereignty the rest is up to Him. Just bc I take care of myself doesn't mean I'll never be sick or even have cancer again. It means Im doing the best with what he has given me. Wouldn't I rather live to my best ability? Well I would sure like to try.
I guess I am realizing I use a lot of my past as excuses for the present. A lot of my fears and uncomfortable zones are being tested right now. I really blow things up in my head that are, on paper, not that big of a deal. I feel so harshly or horribly about something then I read it and think, "oh that doesn't sound that bad". I get really nervous about being around groups of people for extended amounts of time bc of my ileostomy. Usually im the one asking to find a bathroom or making everyone go out of their way to find one. It actually really bothers me. Always. My husband says no one else notices but why is it that I feel like I was born with this sensor alert of peoples eyes on me. Its the weirdest feeling. I feel it when Im eating in front of people, I feel it when I have to get up in a group of people to go to the bathroom. I feel it if my kids are being naughty or say something rude. Im sure everyone has there insecurities, right? But I think I need to walk through them. I get really anxious about something and then someone pushes me(usually my husband) to do it and the second I do it im fine. I remember always needing someone to go everywhere with me bc I would be afraid to look stupid by myself. In high school i wouldn't even go to the mall by myself. I know, crazy. I admire people who eat by themselves or go to movies by themselves. Again though I love going and doing so I have gotten better at this, plus I have kids, so who doesn't love alone time no matter what once you have kids :) ok how did I get off on this tangent?!?!
Just having lots of doubts lately, don't think i'll publish this post on facebook. My matters seem to be very minor to me lately, like lots of grumbling. I will continue to be in prayer for my family as we are transitioning so much in the next month or so. My job, Myas schedule, Josh finishing up summer jobs, starting our wed night activities and dance, and now me being home more and already wondering and having anxiety about all the stuff i need to be getting done. Not to mention me knowing and wondering when to fit exercise into this mix. My body is feeling very achy bc of losing extra muscle in my core, plus it is always a good stress reliever for me. None of this compares to the ongoing sickness we are battling. Payton had hand foot mouth and is now recovering, mya continues to have a cough and sore throat, my cough is finally getting better after 5 weeks and josh's allergies seem to be subsiding some. Not bad stuff just those little annoinces that seem to kink your day.
So, may God continue to be in the forefront of my mind, He is the only thing capable of changing my negative attitude and bringing things to a positive conclusion. He is my mood changer :)
laura
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