never an unanswered prayer

Well, i starting writing yesterday and ended up deleting everything i wrote.  I was very upset and sad and well..sick.  This week has been one for the books.  Mon/Tue at work I slowly started getting a tension migraine in my head and neck.  Then it hit full bore on wed.  By Thursday it was better so I ran around my house like a mad women catching up on what I hadn't gotten done, I went to the grocery store, I baked, I cooked, then that night just like every other over booked night this week(because of homecoming) picked up Mya from one dance practice fed kids and took her to her next dance practice, starting straightening Mya's hair for her cheer pony,  put everyone to bed and then felt this weird cramping in my legs and slight swelling in my throat.  That night turned into a full battle of achiness, overheating then complete chills.  I couldn't sleep and by morning I could barely walk my legs were so achy and I was sure I had some major disease.  Or probably just some form of non stomach flu :)  So yesterday, homecoming day, the day we've been gearing up for all week, I sat on the couch or in my bed feeling horrible. I still had to finish Mya's hair that was only half straightened. Payton had to go to daycare and I then watched my husband pick up kids, go to parade, take mya to dance, feed kids, then put Payton to bed and take Mya to her cheer performance at the game.
Now, today I've have some time to process. Here's what stood out to me.  On Tue night I was praying with Mya and she was having trouble with a cough.  I prayed that God would heal her body and if there was anything we needed to cut out this week we would not be prideful and do what it took to take care of our bodies.  hmm.  God is so smart.  So instead of Mya being sick this week and missing out on her fun stuff, because thats all it was to her, just fun stuff- I got sick so sick I had no choice to miss out on the day of events. And my internal battle was this.  If I don't go to Mya's parade she will think I don't care.  If I don't straighten her hair she will feel bad that all the others girls have long hair ponytails.  If I don't sign Mya up for this cheer practice for the homecoming game she will feel left out and be mad at me.  Now, do you think my 5 yr old daughter even really grasps what homecoming is?!?! no.  Do you think EVERY girl in her class was at the cheer camp, no, in fact I think there was 2. And last but not least it was completely unnecessary to way over tax myself with the burden of straightening her hair.  It's like I just got slapped in the face with everything I say Im not going to do with my kids.  I say I'm not going to overburden them with activities.  I say Im not going to be my kids best friends I'm going to be there parent.  And I was totally being selfish and thinking of what would make me look good out of this whole deal. "oh Mya will think it is so fun that im letting her do this dance thing."    "it will be so good for us to get involved in town activities so people know who we are"  ugh. i make myself a little sick just thinking about it.
So thank God for my mom who assured me, again for the one hundredth time, i don't have to do all these things. I mean didn't I JUST write a blog about this!!!!!!!!!   Once again satan is just waiting for and opportunity to throw in the "you are a bad mom" card.  "you are boring, you are too lazy to do anything with your kids, you don't keep up with all the other moms" and I know it sounds crazy but I really lack on self esteem when it comes to Mya's hair bc I am nervous Im not doing a good job on it.  WOW I really overlook the power of prayer.  And I now am realizing that Gods answer to my prayers are ALWAYS for my own good and to bring glory to Him.  Now I realize I need to take every sign up sheet to Him and pray about it before doing it.  I need to look at my days and decide ahead of time what I can do to make them less stressful.  Or I'm going to end up a lot more days in sickness :)  I'm not even kidding every time im sick its a lesson in our family.  I won't even go into what lesson God showed Josh yesterday as I was sick. ok i will a little. He had to quit work at 2, now come on this is my work until 6:30 husband and then after supper squeeze in  some more stuff until 10.  So today after feeling sick about not getting near the amount of work done he wanted to yesterday he realized he didn't have the equipment in that he needed and wouldn't have been able to finish what he wanted anyway, and his business partner then had the opportunity to talk with someone about a very possible upcoming job for there otherwise unbooked winter- he would've not had time to do that otherwise.  hmm, so this is why today hopefully on the tail end of my sickness, im doing just fine.  I love that in life Im learning lessons so much faster.  Im learning to look for God in every situation, because He dwells in me.  I am His child and not for one minute does He leave me or forsake me.

My brain makes me tired

well I've fiddled around long enough this morning I will probably have to write this in seperate times today.  I've been listening to Beth Moores' wisdom for moms and it was such an amazing series.  Then I prayed for my family and did my devotional and all the while thought of things to vent/blog about.  My brain hurts my body.  I truly wish I had an "on" and "off" button for this brain of mine. I was listenting to an amazing sermon yesterday in church and here's what kept creeping in.  "hmmm, maybe I should make a meal for that family in Mya's class that just had a baby, that would make thoughtfull.  hmmm, I wonder what Mya will wear for all her homecoming days next week, ugh I'd have to go buy things.  hmmm I don't think I talked to "so and so" about how they are doing, I hope they don't think I don't care"  All the while I kept snapping out of it and trying to focus.
I heard on the radio the other day something that Im afraid has been becoming part of me motto.  "we grew up with the statement 'Go big or go home' and so when we can't go big, we just go home."  That really could be the end of my blog there.  But then if anyone reads this they won't get there 500 words :)  I just make myself tired with all the things I THINK I should be doing. Not just as a mom but as a christian.  I think, "who am i witnessing to, who knows that Christ is my life, who even thinks i care!" then i begin my laundry list of "to do's".  I see others doing nice things and I think that is what I should do.  I see others making things, baking things, taking care of others kids, sending things, then I just go home.  I can't do it all so I just go home.  Or is that really what is going on?   Because you know what.. Mya is 5, it doesn't REALLY matter if she dresses up for homecoming. My friends all have very turbulent busy seasons right now and they understand if I haven't talked to them in awhile.  (thats what i love about them).  And when I really feel God moving me to send a card or make a meal I do, and i love every second of it.  I am just so grateful for things like this devo i listened to this morning to remind me that I do not live in crazy town population: me.  There are others out there other moms other women and im sure men who feel the same way.  So much good to do, so much that can make it about US what WE can handle.  Well, you know what? right now in this phase of our lives I can't handle much more than what is going on in our lives.  I should be greatful for the random moment of time to send a card or make a phone call, but its never enough in my mind.
I am just focusing on this.  I am grateful for my church, without true christian fellowship I don't know what or where i'd be.  We are in a sunday school right now focusing on parenting, uh ya gonna need to take this twice.  Wow what an eye opener it is.  This is a time in my life I never knew would require so much dedication, so much purposeful talk, attention and prayer.  I am refocusing what Im focused on.  If I have to withdraw from other things right now that has to be ok, for my families sake.  I think the reason God gave me the life He did, the reason He gave me the children he did, is so I would have to focus.  I mean this life has been no "la ti da" sail through life.  It has been me on a boat in rough seas continually clinging to Gods hand.  He has taught me also that the lifesavers he sends me I need to hang on to and all else i need to let go of.
I need to hang onto my deep relationships ones that encourage me, grow me in faith, deliver me through rough times and keep me in check.  its better to have 1 friend with roots a thousand inches deep than to have a 1000 friends 1 inch deep

I need to build my own self knowledge in the word, prayer time and who I am in Christ instead of worry about everyone else relationships.

I need to STAY AWAY from things that cause my mind to wonder, to feel guilty and eat my energy of who I am.

I need to let go of unneeded drama.

I need to let go of unneeded drama ( i thought that deserved repeating)

I need to let go of worldly expectations

I need to be purposefully in everything I do as I am representing God to my children, including letting them know I need Him just as much as they do.

okay, so 500+ words i did finish and no one is even awake yet!! May God bless your day, may He speak truth to you as He does to me straight through my tough shell.

laura

One day....

....you have a new email from tea school district... don't forget Wednesday is beachwear day...don't forget next week is homecoming, everyday is dress up day....don't forget to refill your childs lunch account.... don't forget to put sneakers on your child every other day for gym.... sign up now to volunteer!  sign up now for your daughter to be in a dance production during the halftime show at homecoming! sign up now to bring supplies to your childs classroom!!  aaahhh mommy "to do" list just quadrupled!!!!
I know our lives become not our own when we had children, but these last couple weeks have been a little overwhelming.  Not to mention my daughters new, not nice attitude after school.   The instant I pick her up she is asking to go to someones house, have someone over, have a sleepover.  Then 15 min after we get home she crashes and becomes a crazy hormonal, hungry, tired child wanting me to hold her telling me she had a "rough" day.  I am to say the least feeling a little overwhelmed.  All this along with a broken computer last week, a husband who is overworked from his job and a working on bringing my business to my home has made me look at a few things.
God keeps putting this statement in front of me.  "Do all that you do to the glory of God."  It just doesn't feel like glory!  I feel like I should be helping out people who suffered from 9/11,going to Haiti/Japan, sending meals to people who had babies recently, or sending cards to my friends in need, or doing something more monumental than THIS.  The other day my kids were running all over I was trying to cook supper, then Josh took them outside to "help" him and when I came into the kitchen the sun was shining ever so on my kitchen that i could see every fingerprint on every appliance.  I could see every crumb in every nook and cranny on the floor and counter top.  I just stood there and stared.  No matter what I do to clean and prepare there is always more to do.  Some people say, "let it go and just love and play with your kids" ok great then I have a messy house,we have no clean clothes, there is no supper?  I don't know.  I just feel a little like I'm on a horrible hill I can't quite reach the top.  Im trying to love my job as a mom and wife i really am.  I love it when i play with my kids or we have time thats not rushed, but that is not often.  I mean its 6:30am and im already behind schedule to go get ready for work, feed kids,get kids dressed and well i don't have to pack a lunch now bc apparently i was ruining myas life making her take a lunch bc it was so unfair she didn't get to go get a tray at lunchtime. Not to mention we don't even have milk in our fridge or supper planned for tonight.
Well I guess when I put my life on paper, i look a little sad, but im really not.  Just overwhelmed and really, really focused on God's strength.  Because every i mean EVERY day i need to rely on him to give me the patience I need to get through these moments.  We are working on becoming a functioning family.  I don't know why its taking us 5 yrs to do this but hopefully we'll get some handle on it before the kids leave for college.