when i can't see the big picture....

Well, so it's been a few days and that is not to say I haven't had anything to write..I have had lots to write and no time to write or been a afraid of what I would say. This morning I am feeling a clearer through the fog of what can be my mind sometimes. However just a mental note that staying up to 12:30 am does not help fog but sometimes there are not enough hours in the day, right?
So, my struggle that is reigning in my mind is that of my daughter. I need to explain that currently at my children's young ages I have a completely different bond with both of them. I had a different adoption process with both, I was in a different mindset and place when their adoptions occurred and they were babies. I feel like the struggles I have now stem from that bond/or lack of when my daughter was born. I don't like admitting and talking about this bc I love my daughter with all my being. I look at her and would lay down my life for her. I want more than ever to have her first year of life over again. And since I can't have that as a do over I wonder sometimes what our relationship would be like if i could do it over. But that can not happen. I can't go back I can only go forward. And I know God works all things for his glory his purpose and I know he has used this insecurity in me to better my life and hers. But here is where doubt sinks in. When her and I fight it is like she can look right into my soul and see my insecurities about how I rely on her approval as a mom. can she really? no. but I choose to let myself think that somehow in some way, she would be happier or better off living with her birthfamily. Now that was a huge statement. I just threw it out there bc you know what? its a secret and im sick of hiding things that are toxic to my mind. I never in my life want to NOT have her, but as a mom you want the best for your child and when i see her sad about her skin color being different or her hair being different than ours it makes my heart ACHE. When i deal with her strong personality or louder voice and then think about my young youth i remember my little blonde hair and sitting nicely in church, i think "wow, God why have you chosen this path for me?" yet at the same time I am SEEING exactly why He has chosen this path for me.
so heres what happened this weekend. I got some pictures from her birthdad and also of her biological siblings. She says, (very sweetly and innocently)"i want to live with my birthdad, don't you think he is sad?" well, i usually hold my composure very well in those times, explain and then as a mom later i stew on it i think why do i even have to answer that question? like WHO has to answer that question.?!? So what I think my main issue is that I see her as a child that I love so much I want nothing more than to physically make her mine. I tell her I wish i could have carried her in my stomach, when she asks why. But then we talk about that that doesn't make her any more mine than adopting her bc that is just how God brought her to us. Its like I know the story is great, and the lessons are great and in the end it is great! but dealing with the day to days is just hard sometimes. Its so crazy bc now the second time around, maybe bc it was with a son, I don't struggle with those issues. But this mother/daughter relationship is one I am in much need of prayer about and will constantly im sure. I really have to get over thinking things would change or be different if I would have just bonded with her more that first year. I just didn't know how. But it makes me feel good to know that God is growing me, I am understanding this adoption world and understanding how God moves in our uncomfortable times. He doesn't want to take the feeling of being a mom away from me, He wants to help me learn and understand how he hand picked my children brought them into my life and not take for granted his plan of complete love for me as his adopted child. yep it all sinks in, just takes me awhile sometimes :) im sure more of these life lessons to come.
heres to an amazing day!
laura