No change required

Good morning!! I wasn't going to post this morning but I had a cancellation in my day and thought that it has been so long since I have felt up to blogging I should give it a try.  Aaaand I had an divine revelation this morning :) So what if you filled in the blank of this question..... If I only had____I'd be secure in myself. or If only I looked like____I'd be secure in myself.  Hmmmm there are so many but what Im realizing and being taught is how much power I put in other peoples opinions, ideas, or suggestions of me or what I'm doing when that is rightfully only God's job.  I had a two hour talk with my husband last night only to find out he supports everything I am doing and we are on the same page about work, finances, daycare... but I refuse to believe that I could be doing something right.  I have this doubt built in that repeats in my head that I could be doing better or maybe I should do things differently, like "so and so" does it.  You have to remember I talk to a lot of women during the week at my job and everyone is doing things a little differently- to me, that means I must be doing it wrong.
Now, here's how I would finish that fill in the blank.  Initially I think that I fill it in with some sort of body image issue, weight muscle ratio etc.  but here's what I think back on in my old age ;) When I look back to times in my life when I was most "fit" was I happy? like wake up every day rejoice in the reflection in the mirror happy? no.  I was happy when I started the process and people saw me and said how great I was looking or when I wore a new pair of jeans a size smaller and someone commented.  Basically, I'm happy when I'm the center of attention.  there. i said it.  I'm happy when people compliment me at my job, i'm happy when people admire my children, I'm happy mostly when people admire my achievements 
Two things are wrong with these feelings (well more than that but here's the two for today).  First, my loving amazing friends and family compliment me ALL the time, mostly my husband.  But do I hear/accept it? no.  I only hear it when I think I deserve it.  Right now the way I feel, if someone complimented how I look I just assume its because of my outfit bc whats underneath is horrendous.  If someone compliments Mya's hair, or how great my kids are- that's nice but truth is there are exhausting me right now so I don't feel worthy of hearing those things.  So basically I am always assuming the worst of everything said.  WRONG-O
Second, I just realized (and praise God I am realizing these things now in my life and while my kids are young) that I am assuming that the way I feel fulfilled is how Mya will feel filled.  If people compliment her on her hair, if people think she's athletic if she has many friends and is well known THEN she won't have insecurities.  I am using her to fulfill my own needs or the things I feel I missed out on.  I always wished I was more involved in school with activities, I wish I was good and something people would recognize me for.  AAGGHH this stuff is so wrong, how do people not just realize this and want to talk about it?!?!  I just have so much to work on.  I just am praising God so much today and last thinking how His grace abundant to cover all these things in my life.  That He would reveal these things to my in my prayer time and through my husband my leader.  That at the YOUNG age of 31 I could give these things to Him and leave a "lighter burdened" life.  When I look at what He expects from me it is so refreshing and always filling, why do I choose to look at what anyone else would expect of me???
 I have a long way to go in these things but am glad to be writing them down.  Insecurity can be a killer.  Its not just me I know that everyone has something so I least I don't feel crazy any more.  I would much rather know I am broken because I know the most amazing Healer. I have a savior who covers all my insecurities with His sons blood and sees me as His perfect daughter.  No change required.

ps. i am going through beth moore's "so long insecurity" study which is online to listen to her read her book at http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/living-proof-with-beth-moore/listen/
also I am doing "long story short" by Marty Machowski with mya in the morning its a ten min devotional, and love to see her filled and ask questions about Jesus and how we can't ever live up to perfection, we need someone who is perfect to save us....we need Jesus.

In love with Christ- Laura

oh man I just closed this post and then looked at my open bible here is what verse was there 1 John 2:16-17
"For everything in the world- the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does- comes not from the Father but from the world.  The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever."  (emphasis mine)