Clearing the fog before Christmas

OH hello friends :)  Oddly enough I have this day that is being rocked and moved by this crazy world, but as I try to focus my circumstances not on this world but God- I am choosing to see my: cancelling work appointments, late sleeping son and husband and well mannered, on time, ready for school daughter as a gift from him to glorify HIM.  Also thank God for supplements and Juice Plus as another round of cold seems to be on its way as payton sneezed 18 times on me last night (early morning) and Mya woke with a sore throat.  Probably doesn't help we just ate about 5 pies this weekend ;)
  It was an intense but reflective weekend.  Mostly it hit home for me yesterday during an amazing sermon on "Pre-Christmas Calibration" and the story of Mary and Martha.  And now this morning my devotion (which has been getting dusty on my shelf this past week or two, I will ashamedly admit) on how to strengthen yourself in the Lord.  I know the story of Mary(the sister who sits and Gods feet and is in awe of his presence blocking out all distraction) and Martha ( the "do-er" who is busy serving every one and being angry mary isn't helping) seems and old tale to most but two things hit me as this sermon had a new hit on my heart yesterday.  (ps here it is if you have a few minutes to listen www.faithbaptistfellowship.com nov 25 sermon, it will probably be uploaded by tomorrow) Usually we hear it and think "ok, yes do less, stop putting so much on my "to-do" list and pray more.  But the pastors point was not that.  Point 1, "instead of trying to stop being like Martha to be more like Mary, start being like Mary to be able to stop being like Martha."  WHOA that I had to hear more than once to understand but here's what it meant to me: I need to start putting God first, listening to Him, spending time in His word, spend time in silent prayer, then  I can tackle my mile long list and if things don't seem as important they will eventually fall off the list.  I (and josh) start by crossing things off our lists because we think that will give us more time and more opportunities to be with God.   It's all about law and action.  Case in point taking Mya out of dance because it took up too much time and money.... no, it didn't.  We just found something though WE could fix instead of letting God show us how to draw near to him and showing us how we could have peace and see the love of others around us trying to help.  We constantly sit down and try to cross things off our list financially.  Those of you who know me well know we cancel our cable like two times a year, or try to change phone plans or try to down size our house (that was a more recent example).  Now, maybe if we had a moral conviction of those things (which is another blog) then we would need to act and follow through, but WE are trying to fix something without seeking God and trusting him with what he has given us.  Please don't message me that God didn't give us cable ;)
Now, what all this means to me is that I avoid the internal and jump right to the external.  What can I do, how can I fix.  Not, how can I seek God and come closer to understanding who I am in Him? How can I feel his presence and peace more daily and rest under his light yoke?  That was point number 2.  Ask yourself those questions.  Who are we trying to please? impress?  by our Martha get it all done be all we can be attitudes.  Do we rely on others or Christs opinion of ourselves?  I can tell you one thing we would have waaay less stressed society(especially at Christmas) if we took on Christ view of ourselves.  Humans by nature don't want to give up sin and admit a need for a Savior. Then there can  never be an adoption in Gods family and love from him the way it's deserved. People think the bible is full of too many rules but in reality Gods loving guidance for our best interest is less harsh than the expectations we put on ourselves to succeed. We take every thing to far because we are told that it's ok to make yourself happy, to bad WE always fall short and we never get the approval we need.  This year I feel no joy in decorating my house for Christmas because of the stress we have been under, other than putting up our trees and stockings.  When I think of a client walking through my house or someone coming over and seeing it how I usually do it, I think of the praise I would get and it makes me want to begrudgingly haul out my stuff.  But I'm not going to.  I'm going to do my Christmas cards because they have been so far stress free and enjoyable to do.  I am going to look at my two trees, one lovingly decorated by Mya and her cousin and one that I will over primp on, and that will be enough.  I am going to take Mya to her dance competitions and enjoy the heck out of watching her do what she loves and not worry about how Payton is acting or how perfect Mya's hair/makeup and dance moves are.
1 Samuel 30 talks about a group of guys including David coming home from a long journey to find there homes torched to the ground and there woman and children taken away.  It says "they raised their voices and wept until they had no more strength to weep."  I can't imagine the sadness and depression that would cause. Until it then turned to anger and bitterness against David and they wanted to stone him.  Instead of giving up hope he prayed to God to strengthen him and for help in a decision to pursue in battle against those who had taken their families. How long do we sit in the fog of depression until we reach out to God to break the pattern.  I sink into my hole, I give into my desires and bad habits and I over compensate by reaching out to others opinions of me to fill the void that my God can only satisfy.  The world can give immediate, temporary fulfillment and satisfaction buy only God can give eternal security which produces fulfillment and everlasting peace that is OH so satisfying :)
May you reach out to God today for joy all decisions and in return have the most enjoyable pre-Christmas ever!!
laura

When you try to tell yourself you not being stubborn....

Well when you convince yourself that you're being "self sufficient", "strong" or "taking a stand" against something your sick of doing....then you're like me you are just being stubborn.  I have had multiple situations that have stuck out to me this week and even a conversation with some of my clients to confirm this.
One said to me that they were sore, achy and had a headache, I said, "when did you last go to the chiropractor?" they said, "ya, I just had so many doctors in my life I guess I got sick of going in and now I forget to go".  Hmmm, so we have really decided to take the path of stubbornness over feeling good, parenting well, or having good relationships.
For me mine is of course health, as I JUST have found a family physician for our family.  I was SURE that I was done going to the doctor and I was going to just be so darn good at keeping my family healthy and we were gonna drink so many darn green smoothies and I would make my kids lunch and it would be all organic and they would just LOVE it..... hmm.  Ok so even if all that panned out like 80% life still happens and really it was just me being lazy and not having a "plan".
You see I feel like if I plan, I will fail.  If I plan to have lunch money in Mya's school lunch account for backup, I will fail to make her lunch.  If I plan to have a doctor on hand, I will just go in too much or think there is always something wrong with me.  If I plan on having meals during the week, I will just not have time to make them and thus- feel failure.  Yep, "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail" was apparently never found, placed or stuck in my brain.
Even with my children.  I am so stubborn about how I feel.  Like "ugh today I am so sick to the brim of telling my son 100 times to do(or not do) one thing, I am so sick of exerting so much energy!  I am sick of saying-in a super sweet obnoxious voice, 'oh, no thank you payton' or 'please use kind words with your sister payton' or 'please stop spitting oranges in the vents payton'.  So I'm just gonna yell and grab and demand" And I tell myself that will feel better, and for one second it does but it in no way solves the problem.  When my daughter told me this morning I was and I quote, "wasting her time" as I was finding her favorite song on her ipod... whew, just thinking about it boils my blood... ok I'm good-  I just literally bit my tongue and then said, "I can't believe you would talk like that to me" very stone cold complete unbelief.  I knew if I yelled she would cry or pout and leave my car and go into that school without hearing me say "I love you".  low and behold we pulled up and she mumbled "sorry for saying that to you" and she was still a bit pouty but it was resolve there was nothing left unsaid as we parted ways.
So I'm just blogging this because maybe there is something today you  think you are doing such a good job at NOT doing because you are telling yourself you're sick of it.  In reality though sometimes we have to do things over and over and over.  How many times do we tell our kids, "brush your teeth" how many times do yo think our moms told us ;)  How many times do we try to make healthy choices, not yell at our kids, pay the bills, do the laundry, make beds, clean, clean some more, go to the grocery store and my most favorite... be super loving and nice(or at least smile at) to my husband when I've had a stinkin' rottin' day!!!  We can't just stop doing these things because we are sick of them.  However, we can take a break.  We can ask God to give us a new perspective and we can put away our stubborn behavior (our 2yr old behavior!) and do what is right because we know in the end it will go better.
Lately I have been asking God to help me see my children as God see's them, like on the spot right in a heated moment.  It makes me calm down and take the personalization away from how attacked I feel as a mom/person.
So here's to taking the shorter route to a happy day!!  And if you aren't having one go get a starbucks turn on a movie for the kids and pick up a pizza for super, there is always another day to be supermom/wife/friend....etc.
laura

through the mouths of babes

  

Well here it is folks.  Here is God using my 6 yr old to drive a point home.  If you can't read this it is a paper on why Mya is glad to be her.  She drew a picture of herself in the mirror (brown girl, black piggy tails) and the last sentence says, "I'm glad to be me because... I love dance"  
So after having an emotional couple of days deciding if we made the right decision or not pulling her out of dance, I got a phone call from God.  Oh, ok it was not him but it felt like it.  What he was trying to tell me is to get over my fears and live in this world while I'm here.  To be a beackon not a hermit and let my family live there own lives and make there own mistakes.  It was him telling me that what I didn't or couldn't see was that we have a whole community of dance team family who is willing to help us out however we need so that Mya can do what she loves.  She has worked hard this year and deserves to finish it out.  The fact that she was so mature and tried to hold in her emotions because she thought she needed to makes me proud and sad.  I am going to have to be careful with this precious girls emotions, she is a people "pleaser"- oh Lord!, here is payback from my life.
So, we are back on the dance train.  I am so thankful for everyone's kind words and understanding, no matter what.  I am on my knees thankful for times when God gently corrects our mistakes.  Sure, one day we will all look back on things we did wrong or wish we could have changed.  But sometimes we are allowed a second chance if we can listen and let go.
Some of you may know that almost all my test came back negative.  Most important was no crohn's or cancer in the bloodwork markers.  I do have an ulcer (hmm self induced I'm sure) and some inflammation   I am going to talk to my doc on what to do next.  Bottom line is I need to take better care of myself.  I am checking into the SCD (Specific Carb Diet) if anyone has heard of it I'd love feedback.  It's not for loosing weight but healing stomachs/ intestines.  I know I need to do something but for some reason jumping off this cliff seems horribly hard.  I was hoping for a test that shoved me into it.  Yet, I am grateful for these super "growing" moments (that was meant to be read with sarcasm).
Well that's it for my late night blog rant.  Just wanted to update you on life and how it can change from day to day ;)  It's good,  it all really is.  God is good if we could just open our pitiful eyes and see what is around us and stop peeking at the greener grass on the other side.  God isn't good "if only" a,b,c, and d change, he's good NOW.  amen and good night.
laura

Letting Go

I was under the assumption that when I made bold Godly moves in my life that it would be extremely easy and I would have this overwhelming peace and comfort in my heart.  I don't know where I picked up that assumption as it has never proven true, but I experienced nothing of the sort when making a "parental" decision this last week.
Yes, sometimes as parents we have to do what's right for our family and be real live grown-ups.  So, I thought that that meant it was hard on the kids, not hard on us....  After all this trauma with me being sick so much lately and us having NO margin for error in our schedule we realized something.  We where drifting apart as a family.  Every moment was, "where are you going? who are you taking? are you picking up...?", or "no we can't come we have (fill in the blank)".  We would have a saturday to do "nothing" and I kid you not it was the worst day ever.  You would think we would be relieved to have a day off but instead we were seemingly bored.  We were tense and anxiety filled, trying to absorb all the "rest" we could but never feeling it.  We didn't feel any peace what-so-ever knowing that this was possibly the only calm that we had scheduled for quite some time.  So I turned to my husband and said, "why don't we know how to hang out with each other?",  and he replied "I don't know but we need to change it"  You see we are sinking further and further into to this world and driving further away from the blessings of what God promises a family to be.  "Gifts" are supposed to be how we see our children, not burdens.  "Lovers and friends" are supposed to be our spouses, not ankle weights or annoyances.
Our daughter is getting older and older, sassier and sassier.  She is filling all her "off" time as far away from home as possible, I don't think knowingly so but this is where she is seeking her joy.  She is 6.  When I was 6 I played house with my sister, played with my barbies in my basement playhouse or maybe had a neighbor over.  The thought of a sleepover, weekend sporting event, or not stepping in my own house until 7pm was non existent.
So out of the blue, literally I can not even remember how this came up, we started to talk about how our year looked for her being involved in an extra curicular events.  Meaning practices and competitions.  Either all of us would be busy or just Mya and I away from home.  We have 2 hours of practice each week and 20 min of practice each day after school or after I get off work to help her get set up to practice, sometimes this is at 7pm.  This is us saying no to family get togethers  or spontaneous events.  This means me, the mom, being very overwhelmed by one more job in this house.  As I said before we have no room for error.  This means, Josh works.  We don't know what hours we don't know how many hours we don't know where he'll be, but for right now in this season, its often and exhausting.  I get sick, often.  For right now we are trying to find out why we are trying to find out how to fix it but in the end, it happens and when it does there is no one to pick up my slack.
So the thought of removing something out of our daughters life that she (and I) love literally made me (and still does somewhat) nauseous.  We talked and fought and talked some more.  I get it.  I get we HAVE to remove it.  That doesn't change that Josh and I both tossed and turned and couldn't sleep that night knowing we had to tell her in the morning.
And as we sat at the breakfast table and our daughter silently sat, tears running down her face, I knew that being a grown up sucked.  Making rational, parental, yet Godly decisions is not easy, comfortable or peaceful.  She wouldn't say anything.  We encouraged her to talk, she wouldn't.  Then after josh left I had her sit on my lap and we both cried (me internally) and then we talked about how that night since she didn't have practice we could pick a recipe from her cook book and make something.  She smiled.  I knew then that even though our hearts ached that this would be a blessed decision.  I want you to know though I kept holding on, I kept trying to make excuses, trying to fix it so she could still be part of her team.  I had this overwhelming thought in mind that it was my fault and I was letting everyone down.  The teacher, the other parents, my daughter.  Just in general, why couldn't I manage this ONE thing!!!  When I talked to josh it was like trying to convince him I could handle it.  And then he hit home.  "Laura, we can keep her on team.  It's up to you.  I want you to know though that YOU are putting this on yourself.  I can not help you right now with this and this is more stress you are putting on yourself.  If you get sick, you can not get angry that our family falls apart because we have too much going on.  We can make it work financially we can probably make it work time wise, but we will be stretched to the max."  UGH, yes I get it "God speaking through my husband".  Does God ever say to you, "child, I am trying to remove something from you, even though it hurts, it will be better once it is gone and the wound is healed, let Me help you."  and we just hold on.  We think we can do it, we think we are superhuman.  Know I know this may sound like rubbish to some, like "what's the big deal she's 6 she'll move on."  But I think you can see that we all have things in our lives more difficult due to other circumstances.
  Watching my daughter dance is the most beautiful thing to me, or so I thought.  Last night she was practicing her bible verse for church and after she read it we prayed it back to God as her prayer.  Her face lit up and she was said, "this is so cool mom! I'm going to keep reading it after you leave!" and "mom I had the best time practicing for the Christmas concert today! I think I want to try a solo this year!" Which by this way she couldn't have done before because we would have missed to many practices. I don't even know why for some reason that verse and prayer hit her heart but it connected her in her own way to God instead of through me.  I left her room knowing that this decision, this trial( not just removing her from dance) we are getting through is making us all stronger.  I need to put in perspective the things in life not just for her sake but mine.  There will be many many more events for our children.  I will be proud of them more times than I can even imagine.  I can't ruin God's plan for them but I can make it quieter for them to hear.  Maybe through my sickness and all this cRaZy right now He is doing a work in her.  Who am I to get in the way of that.  wow, way to make something about me that's not about me :)
It's amazing to me how as parents we take things on put our kids through things that we are trying to heal or battle through ourselves.  We discipline them for attitudes that we see in ourselves.  We watch them achieve and live vicariously through them.  I really want this year of painful growth to mean something for our family.  I really want to pay attention to what God is saying....  ok PS I JUST got a call from the nurse that the doctor is going to call me later today with results from all my test last week.  sigh** ok here we go......I should also mention that the forementioned teacher and parents where extremely supportive and encouraged us to put family first.  Proof that satan's attack on my ego and pride was outed by God's love and grace being poured on to this family.
thanks for making it through this huge blog today, Laura
  

20 min blog/prayer request

Well we will see if it's possible to do a 20 min blog post :-/ I kinda doubt it.  I need to share that I am a little nervous as I have a GI (gastrointestinal) appointment tomorrow.  Last week I had a doctors appointment and we checked iron levels, hemoglobin and for Celiac's disease.  Everything was normal and I will humbly say I was more than relieved to find I do not have Celiac's.  I know many who do and respect the effort they have to put into there diet.  I fear though that something in that court is on it's way to the Hejl household.  I have had the worst "feeling" year since all my surgeries and such.  I have had way to many outbreaks of flu like symptoms and episodes that really hasn't cleared up for a month.  I am not sleeping, eating or living well at the moment.  It is a struggle to look online and hear from friends about ways of eating that MAY help my situation.  For example I found I may be intolerant to yeast, egg yolks, nuts, and possibly meat.  Well, I decided to take on the yeast removal and I really haven't felt more horrible and with no energy to top it off.  My point being is I could literally take a year of my life trying all these things or I could just go see the doc and possibly get some answers.  My husband and I both feel we need to put all other things aside until this is figured out because we just can't live not knowing if I will be laid up for days or weeks at a time.  It makes are already stressed season in life that much more exhausting.
Yesterday in my Sunday school class our teacher, my handsome husband, gave us a verse he was praying for us all during the week.  Part of it stuck out to me and that's 2 Corinthians 12:9 "...'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."  So my friends I am boasting all my weaknesses to you in this moment!  I so badly need the power of Christ in this moment.  I know, I trust, I depend on the fact that this is God renew his steadfast love within me.  This is God ridding me of part of a strong hold I have carried with me for the majority of my life.  I say part of  because the "thorn" that is my cut up, duct taped body is not going to be renewed physically this side of heaven.  I will always have to deal with it.  But the burden it puts on my eating, the financial burden of continually searching and the stress it puts on our marriage, these are things I believe God is going to rid us of.  He has given me more resources for things I know what to do with right now and I have to trust that after tomorrow or after they do more testing I will know what to do with all these things.  I have to stop putting this off.  I am at my end, I am on my knees.  What an amazing place to be as God has shown me my excuses are gone.  My distance from Him is too far and it's time for Him to pull my back into His care and not my own.
My weakness of dealing with being an adoptive mom, having a business, having a husband who has a business, and so many insecurities are all things that you can look forward to me fighting to work through.  Right now though, my health and our families future health I believe is depending on this next week or so.  My dad says this year is going to be better, he says that every year.  God bless him he's right.  Not because each year I make more money, or because I have figured out how to parent, I have rid myself of guilt or we managed to have perfect 9-5 jobs with cheap daycare ;)  It's a better year each year because our issues our stresses get more refined they get so hot that we forced to deal with them so God can use us more and more.  He can't used sick Laura on the couch, taking pain pills, shaking from dehydration.  With my mind only able to handle TV.  He can't use Laura ridden with guilt about what and how she's raising her children and how she's failing to nurture and put her family first.  And so my friends God is going to fix this, maybe not in a way the human eye can see or ever figure out, but I can tell you one thing, my heart will feel it.  My joy WILL return.

God bless you,
laura

update with a side of soap box

Hello my friends!  Is it ok that I am such a random blogger?? Well I guess there are no "rules" huh?  Well none the less this week has been less than blog worthy.  It may have sounded like this, "waa, waa, why me, waa, waa, still why me???"
So I'm slightly less biased and bitter today so I will fill you in and get a little perspective for myself. Also I should warn you there is a "soap-box" at the end of this blog today but it will hopefully be inspiring instead of annoying or mean.
Well Sunday night I got sick again with what seemed to be the flu.  Now, for a normal person no biggie but this is my 4th time having to go get IV fluids in the past, well under 6 months.  That is not cool in my book or my checkbook.  So I felt it coming on and thought I would be pro-active about it.  At 1:30 am when Payton came into our room bc he once again woke up crying and I couldn't hardly lift him up to bed I went over to my poor delirious husband and told him I was off to the ER to get fluids, and well let's be honest we both had busy work days on Monday.  When I returned home at 5:45 am and slept a 1/2 hour only to get up and try to get kids ready, husband already gone by 7.  Let's just say the pain meds kept me pretty "on it", I was thinking I felt pretty good.  Well I took more to get through my work day but continued to have "flu like" symptoms all day.
I will spare you the day by day, mostly because I feel writing down everything I have felt this horrible week is only for justification in what I already know I feel: anger, resentment, fear, discouragement.
I will tell you that I also found out on tues of this week via a laser allergy testing that I have sensitivity to yeast, all nuts, and egg yolks.  Not so harsh until I looked it up online.  So I did what every respectable well put together women would do-  I melted down to my husband about my horrible stupid body and the fact that it seems every day every week we don't know what's going to hit us over the head.  The feeling of pity was beyond overwhelming this time.  Waking up every day and barely making to the bathroom with out sitting down with exhaustion and then knowing what was ahead of me for the day was just exactly that, overwhelming.  My body literaly living on "E" (or empty if that didn't make sense in your head like it did mine).
Finally, yesterday I wasn't getting any better eating only brocolli and quinoa all day (because that's all I had in my fridge that fit the "rules" of this newly found sensitivity, and no one has time (or I don't have energy to leave the house) to go grocery shopping.  I realized the test said "sensitive" not "allergic".  Now I have noticed peanuts or peanut butter and lately almonds rip what I have of intestine up.  But, as for egg yolks? never noticed.  The yeast thing I can see, mostly bc of how I feel after eating carbs and sugar with either have yeast or produce it(also milk but not so much cheese).  So for the fact that NOTHING was staying in my body and eating a bare minimum wasn't cutting it ate some raisin bran minus most the raisins (so I could get some bran stuck in my system- this is what you have to do with an ileostomy)  and some yeast free 3 ingredient chip with a little organic cheese shredded on it.  Went fine.  Last night I even took Mya to dance and managed to "fake" my way of feeling well in public.  I tend to overdue it in public when Im sick, because I'm fake like that.  If I sit around and sulk or don't talk everyone just thinks Im being a, well B* or Im mad at them.  Now today I have had some eggs (full egg) and bacon. went fine. Some seaseme rice crackers with sunflower butter, then some chicken with cheese and those chips again.  Again, not ideal but this is my current fridge.  Anyway, overreaction I think may be how I would describe this week.  A smart normal calm Laura, the wise women God talks about in the bible would have done this (and had much less to blog about ( :  )  Gotten sick, taken the WHOLE week of work and trusted God would provide financially.  Put word out to friends and grandmas that I needed help with the kids dud to Josh's schedule and my sickness.  Then eat smart and rest.  ok, you can go ahead and hold me accountable to that next time :)
Now, here's the thing.  I couldn't help but think this week.  Two things.  Why do I have to hate everything healthy (well mostly).  I get so excited about eating vegetables and in a group of people I will most likely act happy to talk about them and pretend to love them!  "oh you make lasagna out of squash, eggplant, spinach and zucchini ?? Yumm, I'll have to try that!"  liar, I really don't want to I want to make lasagna with meat, 3 different cheeses and sauce.  "oh, you just eat some meat and quick roast some veggies for supper?? That is such a good idea!!" nope lie again.  I am a casserole girl, always have been.  When you see me eating hummus and carrots just know I'd rather be eating chips dipped in cheese sauce.  I just blew my cover, sigh*.  Second thing is this, why do we have to be so bad to our bodies?  I will say this, I enjoy trying to feed my family organically.  What we can afford at least.  But other than that I sway to the side of unhealthy, its habitual im sure.  But now, I see people smoke or eating fast food and I want or getting nothing but pop and processed food at the grocery store and I want to tackle them and scream "what are you doing?!?!?!" do you want to see my stomach? (ok that would be soo weird and SUCH a good social experiment) do you want to see the scares of all my surgeries and let me tell you about the repercussions of radiation and chemotherapy!!"  Am I saying we can stop cancer? to a point of giving ourselves knowledge I say "yes".  I believe God foresaw my entire life and this is my path but that does not mean he couldn't have done amazing things had I had a different path.  Anyway, this is not judgmental as I have said this would BE me if had not done research attended meetings and been given the knowledge I was given about real food, im just saying for you and your childrens sake: look at the ingredients of your food, think about being sick on your sickest of days and imagine living with that for the rest of your life.  whew, that's kinda a big deal to say.  I already feel bad about saying it but hopefully you read it with love.  I honestly don't wish caner or the repercussions of it on my worst enemy.  
Well, this is it for me know.  If you would please continue to pray for me.  I don't know if I have the longest flu bug ever, or if what my worst case scenario is coming true: that something is wrong with my already barely existent intestine.  hopefully I talk to you soon and have amazing news.  Please know this.  God is more than good, people are helping with my kids, bringing us food and when I paid bills this morning magically I think we will be able to handle them, no, not magically- God's provision through our letting go has been truly amazing.

yes there still is a God :)

Well I was going to listen to a devotional this morning but I think this is where I need to be.  I wanted share something that has been playing over and over in my head.  You know one of those situations you wish you said something but didn't? Well in my case it was while I was getting my IV in last week so i'm giving myself a little slack from the dizziness ;)  So the nurse says to me( as he is just taking his last final jab before they call the ultrasound nurse and he gets it in), "there is still a God!" and then as if I didn't hear him the first time he says it again, "oh I guess there still is a God".  And in my mind I'm thinking but not vocalizing at that point, "well if you would've missed or couldn't get it then would there NOT be a God??"  I felt like after I felt better I wanted to call him back and have a solid theological conversation about his wavering belief system.
I will never forget going to a Mercy Me concert, excuse me for forgetting the title and for probably messing up the words to some extent, in one of their songs (I believe they wrote after the lead singers dad died)he talked about wondering how people would ask how he is so strong in his faith?!  And he replies by saying that the one thing he can hold on to the one thing that remains and is unchanging is God, is his faith.
Now, this poor nurse just of course sparked something in me that really has a deeper meaning in my own life right now.  I hate to rag on the guy, he was trying to be encouraging.  I just wander when I see people going and listening to the "prosperous gospel" or "health and wealth" gospel, what it is that they believe if their prayers are answered "no" or in sickness or in death??  It really hits home in our family because if I ever get cancer again or even in our day to day dealings with it, my first response is NEVER "oh I wonder if there is a God?"  I don't think God is a nice idea that we should put into a well rounded view of this world and creation, for an option.  I believe that no matter what sickness, health, wealth, poverty, even and uncomfortable feeling about a political view..... God is God.  That should be a very stabilizing and peaceful fact for believers because this world will always be changing "view points".
I was very encouraged by a friend the other day who just became a born again believer and I was torn up with happy-tug-at-my-core emotion.  In the middle of our trials right now God has shown me his mighty hand.  His hand that never stops working even though I am neutral.  A hand that never grows weary even though I do.  Josh's sunday school class went amazing last week (for adults)  I sat in amazement at how God can change and use that man exactly how he needs to especially when it's waaay out of his comfort zone.  I have to say last weekend with the kids gone and time to fill up on "marriage" time was very encouraging for us.  I am feeling myself already slip after a couple days of work and dealing with some financial thoughts in my head and that is why I needed to write this for a reminder to ME today.  God WILL walk us THROUGH this.  Maybe not around it but we will see the other side.  My prayer life has had a drastic change.  Praying for strength and guidance instead of answers.
may God be God and may the bible confirm that for you today,
laura

I can't hear anything.....

Well good morning :)  I feel like before I go on with my day I need to sit down and write my mind on paper.  Or "type" my mind on a "computer" whatever let's not get technical here.  As my children are gone this weekend as of last night and we are coming off of what seemed to be another week from hell, for bluntness, I have a lot to ponder.  I must admit to you that I have several drafts on this blog not published bc they are just to personal to share or I haven't had time to finish them. The thing that is in my mind this morning is "how to obtain this peace that I feel, or at least to some extent, on a morning that my kids ARE here and my husband isn't gone yet to work?"  Yes, I am less stressed this morning bc my husband is not here but don't jump to any conclusions.  You know when you are married you feel as though you have two lives of burdens to heap on your shoulders?  Right now I feel as though we both have exhausted ourselves of burdens and for me to even think or be present around his is too much to handle.  Now keep in mind this is NOT what God calls us to in a marriage.  NO ONE can take on burdens but our Lord.  HIS yolk is light and that is what he calls us to carry.  But I digress.....I don't have this one figured out so that's another day.
I got the flu of some sort this week, which for me means IV fluids at some point.  I was doing good and even making myself work, drank a lot of water (coconut water even) and got lots of sleep.  But lo and behold Thursday my body (through my ileostomy, sorry if TMI) lost all nutrition and hydration, as it does when I have any sort of sickness, through the night.  I woke up and dizzy-ly/shaky-ly made lunches got kids ready and yes drove (what else could I do?) them to school/daycare.  Where was my husband you ask? Well that's where our burdens overlap.  He had to go to work early bc every job is overlapping each other and he has to fix things that got ordered  wrong or went wrong from the day before, and if he doesn't it overlaps even more... more hours less pay, fun of owning a business.  OK, here we go, sooooo I headed to the clinic for fluids.  Let's sum this up by saying 2 hours,a nurse, a doc and 5 tries later they were sending me to the hospital to get fluids bc they couldn't find a vein.  Then I arrive at so said hospital and (thank you Lord for drive up parking!)  I stumbled to where I need to be, embarrassed that I had to tell the 80 yr old woman whom was escorting me upstairs to "slow down" :)  THEN a hour later, a nurse and a nurse "pro" and 3 more tries later including one that has now made me look like a heroin addict, they found a vein!!!  I just sat and talked to God and couldn't figure out one thing.  If He knew, as I know he did, I would have all these struggles with surgeries and then IV's to follow in my life, why would he not give me the veins to withstand it??? I guess past chemo and then now being dehydrated doesn't help that.  All that to say I spent from 8:30 am till pulling up to my house at 2pm, trying to just feel "somewhat" better, which I did not.  I crashed on the couch, literally passed out and woke up at 2:55 to go get Mya from school.
 Now, I know people get sick.  I keep telling myself that.  But I don't know how to write in words how all this makes me feel so exhausted and unable to handle my responsibilities.  I have had intestinal or stomach and low back problems more and more frequently this year.  I have headaches to follow which are almost worse than a stomachache.  I feel like my body just isn't keeping up with my life.  I am falling apart, literally!!  When my doc asked how many actual surgeries I have and I said 11, I kinda almost shocked myself.  Seriously?!? how am I functioning??? God is so good that Im alive and walking around this earth.  But I don't understand how I have two kids to raise, a house that's too big to take care of ( im not bragging, it's big bc my husband built it, and apparently for no gain with the market being so bad) and a job that is part-time but seemingly full time as its my own business.
I'm just praying for release.  I want to be happy about my life, I want to see the joy in what God has given me.  But today I sit here in the silence of my home, and that is what brings me joy.  People say I should have some me time or get back to the gym or spend time with friends... ALL that keeps getting taken away!! I'm so physically worn I can't make it to the gym at 530 am, which is the only time my schedule allows.  When I plan things with friends it gets changed due to the fact that most my friends have kids or something gets changed.  Me time?? that's so confusing. what the heck is that?? Well my doc says get two good nights of sleep, ok so who is going to take care of my 2 yr old son who gets out of bed at least one time a night??? Or my daughter who wakes up at 6:30am and refuses to not be loud or stay in her room??  I don't know how to explain how I feel at the end of the day, just tired.
I look just now at a couple walking there dogs, that to me would seem happy.  I would just love for once to feel good or not be working to take my daughter to dance and know what's going on in that world, that would be happy.  I would love to not run out of food in the middle of the week or spend time and money on good healthy food for suppers and not have time to prepare them, that would be happy.  I would love to see my husband walk in the door after work and not have the look of death on his face... that would make me happy.
I am so sorry to have been the reality of doom and gloom today.  I know that my joy should come from the Lord and I have to say I know my salvation and eternal living comes from Jesus and that security I have, but the joy I have lost.  I cry out to him, "God we want to follow you we will change what do we need to do???"  I can't hear anything....
these things Im praying for..
1. that i will figure out what is wrong with my stomach/intestines- is it an allergy??
2. that God would reveal to us what change we need to make in our life, and how practically we do that (ie: yes "laura quit your job" is easy to say but as I pay the bills and see the 0 balance every week that is not to practical)
3. that God will reveal himself so powerfully in my husbands life that he will have no fear in leading his family to a better place, where and whatever that may be.

I love you dear friends, whom ever is reading this.  thank you for letting me vent and knowing I am not doing this to get your amazing comments of love and affirmation.  However welcomed :)  I need to write and cry and then cry some more and that helps me deal... you should try it ;)
IN HIM and only THROUGH HIM do I say "enjoy your day"
laura

an over due mind venting

As my posts seem to get further and further apart I wonder why I am feeling so guarded to share.  I think as much as I want to use this blog to be open and honest about my life and what my struggles and/or joys are I seem to have the mindset of more negative lately.  I wonder if someone could really have as many depressing, self-loathing, over stressed, guilt laden thoughts as myself.  So I really have been trying to narrow  down what it is that has me so afraid.
My kids have been gone for almost 3 days and that has been very peaceful for me, and my husband.  Although we are at work, night comes and we actually can carry on a conversation.  It's kind of like instead of leaving one job and moving on to the next we just have the one.  This thought even has almost deceived me into thinking that maybe I should go back to full time work.  The thought of it seemed so refreshing and easy to me.  Lately my time with my kids, mostly my daughter, has been so stressful.  It's not physically exhausting but emotionally.  Ok that's a lie, Payton is quick exhausting physically at this age.  The fact that he doesn't stay in his bed all night is probably wearing on me as well.  When I say stressful I want you to know it is so self induced, but I don't know how to make it go away.  When I look at my kids, see there actions and hear there words, I see it as a direct reflection of myself and my parenting.  This is what has left me so drained and unwilling to start again the next day.  I look at my two days off a week as a highly stressful time. What will I do with them? If Mya isn't constantly entertained she wants to eat: that's me.  If she is feeling left out or not getting lots of attention she gets crabby, needy and emotional: that's me.  I want to stop it.  I want her to stop being so dependent on life and other people and food.  I want her to be better than me.  I want her to be stronger than me.
I don't understand why God has blessed me with two kids.  These last couple days feel just about right for my stress level.  Get up, work out (which I've learned is a necessity for my strength and well being), maybe do an errand or chore, get ready for work, work, then have supper with josh, maybe do one other chore and finally sit.  Do you know the millions of other things are added to that list with kids? (of course you do if your a mom that was a rhetorical question).  So I was just thinking at least on my working days I have a few hours to get those things done.  On my non working days I have no time, literally.  Payton, doesn't sleep through the night so getting up early is really hard on me, Mya doesn't nap nor does she leave me alone during nap time, nor does payton always take a good nap.  Nothing about these days excites me.  Could someone please tell me how to just enjoy me kids?? I don't get it!!!!!
Lately parents of older children have shared with us that it doesn't get easier the situations and seasons just change.  They say it goes so fast so we should enjoy them while they are young.  So let me get this straight:  every season of parenting sucks and then when you move on to the next it sucks more so you miss the last season?!? oh fun :/  It's kinda like telling a bride, when you already have had your wedding, to slow down and enjoy her day- it's not gonna happen.  We can all look back and wish we enjoyed the past but its too late its' in the past.  We were watching Mya's adoption video and I'd give anything to go back and hold that little girl more.  Let her sleep with me at night when she cried.  Pick her up more, prop her bottle less and take her with me always.  But it's too late.  I thought I was doing the "right" thing, teaching her discipline and structure but I believe I put that in place of love and bonding.
Let me just stop my rambling, Im a balling mess now and I have to work soon.  I know God is all sufficient, and beyond my mistakes-thank you JESUS!! I know his plan for my children can never be altered by my inefficiencies.  I just want to know how He want me Laura Hejl to live.  How he wants  me to fit all that is excepted of my day into my day and still feel the joy that Im supposed to be feeling.  there is a lot more "situational" stuff im choosing not to share bc this is already to long, but I pray that this may help someone out there feel not so "Crazy alone" today
blessings,
laura

Have your way

I was driving home from dropping off Miss Mya (and I may or may not having been passing through Starbucks on the way) and of course Payton fell asleep.  So instead of our normal dance music I turned it on shuffle on turned it down.  My mind began to wander and think about my past, non enjoyable, 2 weeks.  I started thinking about why it seems at times God is not speaking to me, not listening to my prayers, and not helping me make decisions to get through tough times.  Then on came the song "Have Your Way" by Britt Nicole and my mind started changing directions.  I began thinking of my dear friend who introduced me to this song, Chrystelle, and how she just recently posted this song on facebook.  We have had MANY discussions in the past about feeling as though God is not answering our cries and wondering why we just can't seem to get out of a hard trial.   It hit me that to truly live out the words in this song is such a commitment and such a test of faith and trust.  It's one thing to just say "have your way God!" but then continue to use our human minds to decide what that looks like.  It's another thing to say, "I'll stop searching for the answers, I'll stop praying for an escape, just have your way".  In times of hurt and despair our faith in Him to hear us, carry us and give us peace needs to outweigh the feeling of loneliness and even anger.  These past weeks I have had physical hurts and pains but I should see his provision through my friends and family loving, praying for me.  My friends Sara, Affton and Chrystelle bringing me/my family food.  Chrystelle driving me to a test when Josh was out of town, partly for safety mostly for support :)  Most of all my family taken care of by moms who are always willing to help out.

The next song on was of course, "The Power of the Cross" by Natalie Grant.   'Nuff said, I mean seriously what hasn't Christ overcome through the power of the Cross.

Next song, "Oh Glorious Day" by Casting Crowns.  Oh man, this made me go to a conversation with my dear friend and we both shared out hearts ache to have our heavenly Father come and bring us to our eternal home.  She is on what seems to be a never ending uphill battle and the mud holes just keep showing up.  Life on this earth just doesn't seem to go by fast enough when you are praying to be removed from it.  Honestly these past weeks I am just so sick of my broken body.  I'm so tired of being the "sick" one.  I'm worn out from taking a thousand supplements to supply all I lack, going and talking to a thousand doctors who all have different opinions, reading health articles, talking about intestines.  Mostly thinking every day about every decision I make as it relates to my body: will it be too much for  me? do I need to eat differently? will there be adequate bathrooms around? If I don't think about these things or live life focusing more on me and my health I get hurt or sick.  When I do get hurt or sick I am sad to see it rip apart my husband who in his mind I know is thinking about what life would be like if I would get something more than  a two week illness, what happens if/when we get the call that the cancer has returned.  I am starting to see him think of me being wore down and beaten as a new normal that we need to just put into our permanent life calendars.  I AM TIRED of this earthly broken, cut open/sewn up, and sickly body.

"You never promised this road would be easy but You said You would never leave.  You never promised this life wasn't hard but You said you'd take care of me" His promises outweigh our disbelief.  Just because we are tired and questioning his promises, doesn't change the truth of them.  One day we believers will be done with this earthly bodies, done with these never ending trials and live in perfect form with our Saviour..."Oh Glorious Day!!"
May you live your weekend trusting in his promises, reading his word and praying without ceasing. " Thank you Jesus your word is more mighty than our weakness."


laura

Mediocrity: not a good life goal

Good morning!  Well on my heart lately is the fear of mediocrity.  (lets just dive right in here, huh?) :)  In the depths of my soul and in God's promises to me I know I am not created to be average yet that is how I feel I get through my day.  It seems everything I do is with little ambition and and mild passion.  This leaves me feeling hollow and robbed of joy. In 2 Timothy 4: 7 Paul says he has, "fought the good fight, finished the race, kept the faith".  Have I done these to some extent? yes, but if you back up to verse 6 he talks about offering himself in death after a life full of sacrifices to God, a full life, a lived to the fullest.  Some people may have a different idea of what a full life entails.  I believe as a follower Christ it means living out every part of my day as small or big as it may be, to glorify him.  In a bigger picture making changes if that is not happening.  I read this morning "if you keep doing what your doing you'll keep getting what your getting".  Very true.  I keep living average I'll keep getting average.  
I get sick of paying the bills just to make sure there is barely enough money to get through to the next set of bills.  I'm tired of thinking about the next day like a chore or a check list and just am waiting to get through to the end of it.  Making food begrudgingly to make sure no one starves, cleaning my house just enough child protection doesn't take away my kids.  Mostly lately taking care of my body just enough to fit into my biggest pant size I own.  
When did my life become so insignificant?  Didn't God rescue me from cancer?  Didn't God save me from 12 surgeries?  Didn't God allow my husband and myself to be saved into his eternal grace? Didn't God very purposely give me two children to raise??  How is it so easy to just throw these things to the wayside??  I read a friends blog yesterday whom they are struggling, excuse me LIVING in Gods grace, day to to day watching their new twin boys fight for life in the NICU.  "Chase Life"  http://ryanandbarbara.wordpress.com/  you will walk away blessed from reading it.  The dad mentioned that when we are in our times of struggle we live day to day dependent on God's grace. Ryan said, " Does it really take “grace” from God to wake up, go to work, eat some food, watch TV, and run errands?"       

Such a statement makes you think about your day and whom you are really relying on to get through.  I think I am not used to living life on my own merit.  This is a disappointing way to live.  I know because I have lived both ways.  I have lived in God's refreshing water, his life and word pouring into me and causing me to have hope in each day I was given.  I looked at family, friends, my body as a gift.  I have lived praying for his will and trusting in his plan, screaming out in pain and anger and then feeling his presence and relief.  

I thought awhile back I just was missing drama in my life because for 10 years or so this has been Josh and my life...situation after situation.  As it turns out what I am noticing is that right now we are just sailing through life on our own timeline and IT IS LONELY and UNFULFILLED!!  I have been told to "take a stress break and to not live in chaos", if this is what taking a break feels like then clock me back in.  I have been praying about what it is we need to do to change this and I believe the first step is me recognizing what this feeling is.  We don't need to do things to obtain a better lifestyle: we don't need to make more money, we don't need a huge home, we don't need perfect health, a perfect job- we need Gods' grace.  And in order to get that we need to step out of our comfort zone and into his hands.  We need to jump off the cliff he has called us to (ok, not literally here people) and change it up a little.  Has He not lived up to his promises book by book in the bible? Prophecy by prophecy?

  My prayer is that I can have faith like Paul did and sacrifice to "fight a good fight, keep the faith and finish this race".  I don't just want to finish the "rat race" that I am finding is death in itself, I want to finish God's race which ends in a crown of righteousness from a righteous God.  Also, that I continue to stay in his word and in christian fellowship as this world so easily temps me to crawl into my comfort hole filled with pity and sadness.

God bless your gifted day whatever it may be!!

A post from a post: A quote to quote

I'm so excited to be posting today!  I have been going over and over different things I would like to sit down and blog.  All that went out the window when yesterday I read a friends blog post to "Expresso and Cream" http://espressoandcream.com/2012/05/no-fat-talk-tuesday-lizas-story.html.  You definitely need to check it out!! Also she has a great blog herself at Elle Jay http://ldeyounge.blogspot.com she is a women who has very intellectual, calming, thoughtful taste.  Her passions are deep and thought provoking and her beauty radiates from the inside right on through to the outside.  Thank you Liza for being honest truthful and inspiring to me!!
All that said there where a few things in her story that really made me dig and think.  When she listed the things that God has created her body to be and not a list of things He didn't create her for, it got me thinking.  What is my list? Can I even make a list??  What is it exactly that God has created me for?  I in fact am embarrassed to be almost 32 and not be happy with who I am.  I feel like I am constantly fighting who I am because I think it must be a mistake :)  I have fought the feeling of being average my whole life.  I was kinda good at sports, I was kinda good at music, I was kinda good at school, I was kinda pretty, I was kinda popular ( in the sense that most I knew a decent amount of people and was liked by most).  But I have felt most my life that until you excel at something you are really only well.... nothing.  So I kill myself with picking areas and trying to excel to some degree.  For example I am your typical "I can't wait until monday to start this new diet! I can't wait until monday to be a better meal planner!! I can't wait until monday to start a chore chart for my kids! I can't wait until monday to work out everyday!!!"  I lodve the planning, it makes me feel organized and pro-active, it's the carry out I lack perseverance in.  Mostly because my heart is not there.  I actually don't love dieting, working out endless hours, or making chore charts.
Now a quote also from Liza's story " ”Everybody is a genius.  But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Hook line and sinker that is me!!!  
"God why can't I be an amazing singer I love music!! God why can't I be an amazing mom I love my kids!! God why can't I be a super fit protein loving marathoner I love how they look!!!"  Sounds silly but this is my mind.  And I would venture to say it's in some of yours as well.

Ok time for the positive.  Because since I have been thinking on this for 24 hours God HAS revealed some things to me.  Starting way back in high school, I did love drama(theater and such) and if must pat myself on the back I was pretty darn good at it.  Now at this stage in my life I pray God will use that to glorify him use my ability to reach out to people and talk to people.  

Even if I can't sing I still love my soul's thirst for music.  God has cultivated it from just diggin' music to craving music to glorify him.  Music is not just background noise for me.  I have different artist, different songs for different moments.  Once I recognized my mindset and emotion involved I threw myself into finding christian artists that spoke more than just words.  I love that my kids jam out to my music and when we pull up to stop sign with windows down the bass is just a little louder and we are bobbing our heads just a little more than the average family.   I love that Gods rules are this "to glorify my name"  and that I can be in that state of mind exactly how he created me.  He didn't create me to love to dance so that I would have to tell myself not to dance. He didn't create me to love a certain kind of music so I would have to tell myself to only listen to other music. (He did in a BIG way change my view point on what was appropriate for my mind however).  

I am still working on loving the mom I am.  I do love that I am not fitting into the mold of nice, moral, children that do what they are told but don't understand why that's important.  I do love that Mya( and someday Payton )will be able to tell you exactly the reason Jesus had to die on the cross for us, and exactly how it is you have security in eternal salvation.  I love our house may be insane, no not just at times: but Jesus is the center and the core of that is so freeing to me because no matter how much we screw up our kids God is sovereign and it is up to me to share the gospel with my kids but up to him to reveal it to their hearts.  praise God!!

I am still working on loving my body.  I know how I want to feel and how I want to look.  My body needs healther things but I am not making time for it.  My body needs to be working out more, but I am tired.  I am however, trying to go back to finding my style which helps my joy factor.  Why did I stop wearing the things I like?? Why change my style to comfort when I love fashion and all things girly!? silly me.

Well I have to go cut some hair now.  Enjoy your making your own list today!!!

laura

Lord of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship

The title of this post is from a Natalie Grant song I was listening to this morning.  When it got to this line I was reminded of the reason I started this blog.  It's called my little life Gods' BIG plan....not meaning I think my life means nothing, but in the picture of life, in the thousands of years I'm not on this earth... God remains.  I have had my eyes opened to how God can move in so many peoples lives through one circumstance.  I think we forget that on a daily basis not a moment, breath, or activity goes by with out it being known by God.  


The trials we face are real and they hurt.  If we are taking Gods "narrow path" they are more frequent than those of a non-believer.  This has been a time of realization.  A time to recognize God steadfastness and sovereignty.  In this season I have a reason to worship.  God is still God.  At any moment at any time in my life this NEVER has changed.  He doesn't change his rules because people don't like them.  He doesn't change truth because someone doesn't agree.  His very word can beat out any arguement any "untruth" ever argued.  It is never changing and will remain on this earth until Jesus comes (sorry I don't have the verse for this Im typing in a hurry).    This is comforting to me....comforting to know that if I stop living in my own ideas I can see his plan.  Comforting to know that I will make decisions and he will use them to glorify Him and our family of Christ.  


We (josh and I)have been realizing as we cry out to God to show us our paths.... He is saying this.


"My children, make a decision and I will use it.  
My children, desire to follow me and I will lead you.
My children, listen to my word and I will speak to you.
My children, you are forever mine.  Nothing you do can seperate us.  Even your mistakes to bring you closer to me. "


Yesterday in our sunday school I heard this verse. Jeremiah 32:40 "  I will make with them an everlasting covenant, that I will not turn away from doing good to them. And I will put the fear of me in their hearts, that they may not turn from me." 


So you see even when my heart feels weary and my head wants to give up, God will NOT break his covenant with me.  This is what I love about his word... It is truth when I don't want to hear it and it is truth when I do want to hear it.  
In every season, He Is Still GOD.


I don't really know how to sum this up today. Mostly because I have erased and back tracked so much already.  My mind was swarming with these thought of Gods perfection and power since yesterday.  His immediate answer to my painfully honest prayer was ashamedly shocking to me.  When I have felt like so many prayers have been unanswered lately I have realized in many moments that they have, a thousand times they have!!!  


I also just want to say in almost 6 years of being a mother *sniff sniff* yesterday was the first mothers day I didn't fight with my husband.  I won't go into detail, but this mothers day was different and it wasn't because I was lavished with all the gifts and massages a girl could want, it was because first I prayed I would be graceful to my husband no matter what.  Also that God would show me how to love him even though I could already feel the bitterness dwelling up inside me.  In short not only did God answer that prayer by my husband reaching the depths of my heart by recognizing my sadness of many things going on yesterday but he answered my prayer of healing my husbands heart (that I have been praying for) and giving us this connection I have been craving.  All this was answered by one repentance prayer!  A prayer to step out of my usual snotty, bitter, assume the worst attitude.  God answers a honest heart.


ok have an amzing inspiring day.  See God in everything you do.  See him in all that is, kinda like how now just at this moment on my Pandora radio on a station that has nothing to do with Micheal W Smith a Micheal w smith song came on... from our wedding. :)


laura

misplaced hope

Happy rainy Thursday :)  Some days rain just fits the mood huh? I did a little extra work today so now as my time is nearing an end when Mr. P wakes up and its time to get sissy I think I should do a quick blog.  A few things have hit me here in the past couple of days.  I'm loving my new book/devotion "Brave".  Helping me take a look at why I feel weary and to whom or to what I'm going to instead of God to fill me. 
 After Mya being sick this week and a pretty busy salon week we pulled into the garage after church last night and I just sat there.  Like if I didn't move no one would notice and the kids would get out of the car and go put themselves to bed.  Or like if I just waited there long enough I would have amazing renewed strength to open the car door and get them to bed.  Or maybe there was a cleaning fairy in my house and if I waited long enough she could finish..... then I took that looong deeep breath and exhaled and said, "here we go, last round of the day".  Well today, in this rain I just always fill a little more calm and thoughtful.  What is wearing me out? Why do I feel exhausted?  I know there will be plenty of people who can relate when I make these next statements.  I don't feel I have the right to feel exhausted if Im not constantly busy.  For example Im sitting here blogging, all my furniture is pilled up bc we had the carpets cleaned, the windows are dirty and there is some MAJOR dusting to be done.  But Im just really trying to look at my life "above the sun" which means from Gods eyes. Eccl 1:3 says "what does man gain by all the toil at which he toils under the sun?"  Meaning most things we do in our lives are causing exhaustion for pure gain of vanity.  The other day I realized I FEEL I can't say I love being a mom because I don't feel I can handle more than two kids.  NOT TRUE.  I felt like if I am good at and love being a mom I should continue to want more and more kids.  I don't know where I come up with these things seriously they just live in my brain.  I felt like if I come and sit down at the end of the day when there is obviously much to be done in my house I must not be a very good wife/mom.  NOT TRUE. I felt if I wasn't sending cards and gifts to our world vision girl in Africa then Im not a good sponsor and our money is doing her no good.  NOT TRUE I feel like if im not crafting, printing and booking pictures, checking our finances, logging my business account, checking back packs, folding laundry, doing dishes, meal planning, decorating, or talking to a friend in need- Im not doing a good job at, well... life.  You get the idea. Lie after LIE.  Truth is I can't live up to my own expectations.  Why can't I feel God's grace, why don't I ask for God's grace, why don't I trust Gods grace would be the best question.  I trust him to save my soul but not to allow me to have peace.  
One thing in my study today was a list of "misplaced hope" that we've trusted.  I circled underline and starred CALM CIRCUMSTANCES.  Why in God's green earth would I ever think my life was meant for calm circumstances.  Yet that is my goal that is my misplaced hope.  That one day I would wake up/have one on one time with God at 6, get the kids ready and have family breakfast at 7, workout at 8 after the kids are happily off to school and daycare, go through my day smoothly with nice planned out healthy meals and snacks, make supper just in time to see everyone coming home, then after work having some quality time with the fam, and just enough time to tidy up and go to be around 10.  Um, no wonder I'm hopeless!!  When life is calm that doesn't mean God is present. God is our strength when we are weak he is our feet when we are weary, more than that He says "we will soar on wings like eagles"!  When we are too faint to open up the car door and move one more muscle or read one more bed time story, he gives us one huge breath and says, "lets go, I will carry you".  I love my entire life or mostly the past 14 years have been God carrying me.  Seriously.  I love that right now, we may be stressed and life my be a little sucky (that's a real word even though my computer says its not) but I know its a season and I know God has a real live USE for this time in our lives.  I love that Gods grace is so obviously present in my life as I daily try to grab the reigns.  And mostly I love that He is so sure of my strength that he would give me exactly what he has given me to bare knowing full well that I will grow and that I will look to him to carry me, even if its every day.   No, no calmness can compare to that.  I mean how boring would that be??  :)  Don't let anyone tell you Christians are boring, in fact Im pretty sure we could do a pretty amazing reality show :) 
proud to not be superwoman, 
laura

Getting off the hamster wheel

Ok Monday, here we go.  You know the hamster wheel you live on most times?  Getting through one thing to get through the next and then getting through that to then start right back over on the first thing??  Well, I'm a little sick of it.  I just got home from an amazing weekend with friends and teachings from Beth Moore in KC.  Also a little nice weather and good food helped a little too :) I won't add shopping to that list because that was pretty much a bust but that's another story.  So as I was sitting in the conference I was fully aware of my past "religious wheel".  It started when I was young: go to church camp, sing amazing songs, be around people who where mostly (at that time) in the same belief as you, here from the word of God, and have time away from regular temptations and society.  Then come home, get hit by reality, be tempted, and forgetting to apply all I just learned- BOOM!! back to trudging through life and giving into my fleshy desires just like before the camp.  There was no depth, I wasn't recognizing my need for Christ, I was looking for this "emotional high" to last a lifetime.  My hear, my faith was not maturing.  Now, to this day it can in some form be repeated with weekends away at womens events, bible studies that end, church retreats...or even just an amazing Sunday- there is always a Monday to follow these things.  Poor Monday, it has such a bad wrap, God probably meant it as a day to start over and use your regained strength from Sunday!!  So back to the awareness I was recognizing. Now that I am a born again Christian, I do recognize my need for Jesus not my own merit and I am maturing in faith- I'm ready to get beyond some of these things that are keeping me from being an amazing witness for Christ.  Someone who lives her battles and is not bogged down by them.  Someone whose mind reflects the peace of God's plan and sovereignty in her life is apparent.  I'm ready to fill my mind with what God wants me to fill it with and not fill it with Pinterest and Facebook agendas and "to-do" lists.

So I did purchase a few AMAZING exciting things this weekend. I'm even going to try to post a picture because this blog is kinda boring since I don't really know what to do with it besides type :) One of them is a book called "Brave" honest questions women ask, by Angela Thomas (actually its a study).  I opened it up and the first thing it quoted was Proverbs 30:1 "The man declares.  I am weary, O God, and worn out." .....  I ran to the check out to purchase it.  

One thing I was glad to hear from Beth is that she too has addictive mind.  That's not just physical in fact is mostly mental in my opinion.  She stated her mind is her worst enemies sometimes and she needs to fill it with the word of God to counter-act the negative thoughts.  God bless the women that can sit on Pinterest other decorating, cooking, and event planning websites and not feel guilt- I am not one of those women.  God bless the women that can go on Facebook and look at other peoples professional pics of their kids every 6 months of there life and not think "hmm its been 2 years since we've taken a picture together" or read about amazing birthday parties, fun filled weekends and husbands who surprise them with weekends away to Bermuda. (OK I totally made all that up so if you just did those things I sorry, I'm not saying they are bad I'm just showing my train of thought here).  So ANYWAY, jeepers I'm all over the place today..... She chooses not to be on Facebook.  I choose not to update and check my Facebook much because it eats up too much time and I feel I need to prove points and make comments or no one will love me, yep I'm crazy.  Ok so the point iiiissss!!!! we recognize these things and then NEVER do anything about them. I AM SICK OF THE WHEEL!! So I'm diving into scripture, which usually scares me.  Where do I start? how much should I read? do I have to memorize everything? Doesn't matter.  I'm just going to read.  I'm going to read and journal, with my new journal that matches my bible of course :)  Turns out I don't really suck that bad I actually to write things down I have the notebooks to prove it.  But usually I'm not good at memorizing and applying.
God bless YOU if you've made it this far in my blog, I have major AADD today with all these things, I may have to do this again right away tomorrow.
To sum up, I'm sick of the church camp fever.  I want a forever fever that makes me contagious to all that surround me!!! So here's is my heart:
things I am in affliction over, these are things that were explained to have a more permanent place in your life, things you daily deal with. 1. food- I admittedly am not ready to give this to Christ because I believe my mind is not strong enough with his word to do so, last week I tried detoxing from all the horrible food I've been eating and it lasted 6 hours, go me (insert sarcasm here) 2. addiction to affirmation, no this is not just my love language, it is something that daily bogs me down. It is how I live and breath and the reason I do everything I do.  It is how I make decisions and I feel the only way I can have people who love me.
things I am letting go, perfection, untrue thoughts (that will be obtained by true promises given to me by God through his word) these are BIG things because that engulf most of my life:kids, marriage, home, business.  Cutting things out of my life that do me NO GOOD, give me NO ENERGY and waste my productive time (not just me time because sometimes we need time wasters to wind down)
Aren't you sick of the wheel? Maybe not.  But I just want to learn and MOVE ON already.  Like, ok give me the NEXT thing God.
Ok here I go trying to post some pics of my long awaited new ESV bible(this was NOT an impulse buy for once), my journal and my book.. because when you can't find clothes ( or they don't fit you as expected) or shoes, yep that's right I couldn't even find shoes: you can always have an calming time at the christian book store and find encouraging things.  This was the ONLY bible like this and I have been looking for a long time!! then I found an (on sale!) journal to go with it. Even my husband thinks my bible is cool, he's just jealous :) LOVE YOU ALL!! and love this stinkin' blog.  I just love it seriously wish I could do it all day....kinda like right now :)
In Christ Alone
laura

silly little blog, silly woman thoughts

this is possibly the stupidist(not a word i know) thing i have blogged about to date, but its tough for me so maybe its tough for someone else to....

well im feeling just a little attacked in the area of body image and looks these past couple days.  so im sick of dwelling so im blogging.  i've been googling swimwear for 45 min and once again coming up empty handed.  with my post cancer body i have to have a very specific swimsuit.  and as i browse here are some memories i have
boating with friends and feeling excited i found a suit that was a somewhat of a swimdress and my friends sister says "oh I had that exact swimsuit when I was pregnant"

going to a hotel recently and a women in her 60's with the exact style of swimsuit on as me.

going to the pool with my friends and feeling like the frumpiest mom

i like my suits to have style and personality and i end up with a cookie cutter lands end suit.  nothing wrong with them i just feel old.  so i've been googling retro suits like i want and they all are cut down to the belly button, out of my size, or a little to bootylicious.

so im feeling overwhelmed and defeated. look im so exhausted i cant even capitalize my sentences, jeepers.  you know, there is just always someone prettier, always someone skinnier always someone craftier and someone calmer.  I see women all week long, im supposed to be making them prettier and have more self confidence and sometimes in return i am drained of all mine.  I'm surrounded by pretty people :) and i love them.   i am just a little bummed, it happens EVERY year this time. it gets nice out and everyone is carefree headed to the pool and beach and i dread it, its a lot of work for me.  i have to have extra illeostomy bags everywhere i go, i have to be contious if my bag is showing, i have to make sure i can keep up with the kids and still be in one piece myself.

ok done. done venting. i think i just needed to pry myself off google. off to work now... feeling better already mostly do to pandora and jimmy needham/dara maclean :)

happy swimsuit shopping
laura

house of volcanoes

Well, it's obvious to my little self that I need to blog before heading to the gym today.  I am a little amped to get going today bc its the first day in a week + that everyone is ALMOST feeling better including myself.  Last time I tried working out I got 3 more days of sick, so I'll try again.
The Hejl household has had many many God moments this weekend.  hmmm where do we begin.... How about with yesterday.  A Sunday in which God choose to reveal himself to Josh and I in ways so loving and encouraging yet so personal and direct to each one of our hearts.  First a sunday school of recognizing God's most amazing attention to detail in creation.  His amazing art.  His bigness and our smallness and how comforting that is.  The fact that He would create the universe and mountains and then create ants and fireflies.  That he would give our bodies the ability to fight off disease and to take each breath and to create life- yet he would think to create fingernails and eyelashes.  Why would we worry why do we despair when he has so much power and so much knowledge.  Well I'll tell you, bc we want to try to figure everything out ourselves.  Now onto an amazing church service, worship that spoke right to our souls and a message about praying and reaching out to people with the gospel and Gods' sacrifice.  Onto lunch, running into people we normally don't get to see or connect with. Finding out in our worry and our despair God would put friends so kind so moved by the spirit in that moment to but our whole table lunch.  They tried to be anonymous but that's so silly because we are just so smart :) They didn't do it because they are wealthy, they didn't do it to boast.  It's like we could feel the hand of God laid on there heart to be used to lift our hearts in His love.  whoa sorry if that sounded deep but seriously it meant so much.  We also got to be in a room with a family from our church.  They put us right by each other with no other people from the whole other restaurant!  We didn't ask to be by them we just "happened" to be there at the same time and that's what was open.  It wasn't until the end of our meal when we all where moving around more we got to start chatting and hearing there story of a grown adopted child and many grandchildren and just the love for Christ they had the life experiences they have had.  Their road of struggle didn't end, that would mean they were dead! But they held onto God and God clearly held onto them even tighter and you could see the joy in there eyes. Not to mention I got to hold this little baby that looks just like the male version of Mya in her pudgy little baby form :)
Now onto more personal stuff.... lets back up to the huge marital spat sat night before all this revealing.  This time of stress in our lives has been just a little too long... in our eyes, not in Gods.  Because you see as you grow in Christ the battles get a little more intense the refiners fire gets a little more heated.  And there used to be a day and age in our younger walk with Him that we could shrug it off and move on- lesson averted.  Now, Gods like "No. stay here, keep your eyes on me, hold my hand- but stay here.  Look at me child, trust me child.  Do you see this battle you are trying to fight on your own? Do you see this hill you are trying to climb on your own? Can you let that go and just trust me?"   *breathe*  My anger towards the situation came out in tormenting the closest one to me, my husband.  Denying him of any happiness from me denying him of my need for him bc I just wanted to be done and do it on my own.  Blaming him for things that clearing he is also in battle with.  So in our house of volcanoes and drama that comes out in confrontation.  What can I say, we are a house of passion.  Right down to our kiddos.  We're loud, we fight, but then we hug and we say I love you and our hearts rip out when one of us is hurting.  Well in this time we were all hurting.  Mostly Josh and I.  And yesterday God spoke to Josh on what he wants him to work on and how he can't just change an external factor and that will go away, and I will continue to pray for him.  As for me, repentance first and foremost for acting like a child selfishly throwing a tantrum and pouting hoping I would get my way.  Amazing how God disciplines and loves in the most perfect way, a lesson I hope to achieve sometime in the next 18 years :0)
I think people are waiting to hear, "Josh got 5 huge houses to build!  We will be set now.  I am not stressed at my job and we are all perfectly healthy!" yes that would be neat-o.  But not nearly as life changing,moving and representing of God's almighty hand in our lives.  His all knowing wisdom of our lives before we even took our first breath.  His attention to detail and creating our personalities, not making any mistakes.  He put our family together piece by piece for an exact purpose.  We are in this to see his glory revealed and that my friends brings. me. joy.
May you recognize how big God is today...

Isaiah 55:9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts"  is God saying he's better than us?!?! YEEESS!! I would surely hope the hope that you are being taught and filled with the knowledge that Jesus is the ONLY way truth and life to God.  His ways ARE higher than ours and thank GOD because can you imaging if our ways were the way to salvation?? have you looked at this earth?? plus I can't create a human from nothing... can you???
laura

tiny little post

I feel a little silly even writing this because it has been so long since I posted.  I don't really know who reads this but that shouldn't matter because Im SUPPOSED to be writing this for me :) well so goes life.  Life has been a little rough and I hate coming on here or talking to people and either whining about it or sounding fake.  Satan has found my weakness and is picking at every single one.  When there is stress in our house (ie. no work for my husband, more stress with home businesses...) the first thing hit is our marriage, second is my eating and emotional vulnerability and third is my worth.  I notice myself eating more, on the internet more and praying/ reading Gods word less.  This time I do feel I've kept up on being in the word but am struggling with one thing.  Listening. I don't know how to listen to God.  I don't take the time and when I do there are to many "laura thoughts" intercepting the call.  I really have been focusing on the Holy Spirit and taking hold of the fact that when we become christians we have the power of the HS.  I would just like to claim that heavenly control.  Daily Im tempted and frustrated to be defeated worried anxious and have self pity.  I want to be that women who wakes up with the joy of salvation on her mind and heart.  the woman that no matter the state of her husbands mind has contentment in the Lord.  I know I can't but I know God can.  Why wont He?  I don't know.... I will keep on trying to find out.

Bare Nekked Nails

Yep I said nekked.  Because this is my blog and I think it just sounds funner than naked. Yep I said funner.......
So I did my most favorite thing yesterday.  I took off my old chipping nail polish and cut all my nails short. Sounds crazy huh?! Most people would expect me to be gushing about a new manicure, which I do love don't get me wrong.  There is just something about being free of that drama on my hands.... "oops, chipped a nail!  Oh shoot my polish is coming off after only 3 days!"  I am hard on my hands and sometimes my nails just need a fresh start.  They need to feel free.
I had another favorite thing happen to me last night.  I had a spiritual awaking via my husband and a huge awareness of what has been bogging me down this last few months or so.  I will spare the details on how we got to the heart of the matter but he just asked me what was wrong and if we should talk.  After talking through some randoms he told me something he had heard and how it was so freeing to him because  it was about how sovereign God is and no matter how we think we are controlling things he is there picking up the pieces and fixing what we think we are so knowingly maneuvering.  And I was inspired by that but it also just welled up this huge sadness in me because everything I have been doing, reading, listening to me all seems like it has been guilt and burdening.  How is it he just gets to listen to something and get the result I have been actively seeking?!?!  Turns out I was harboring this feeling this burden I have had my whole life.  Although I realize I deal with the sin of Acceptance and Expectations it's like in the last 5 1/2(since kids) or so years I have let it take ahold of me again.  I just cried out that I don't know what is real anymore because I just do what I "think" I am supposed.  I read books to know how to talk to my kids, I listen to studies to learn how to have a good marriage and be a biblical wife/mother.  I try to keep up everything everyone is doing and it's like I ran out of things to do and things to read and I didn't know what to do next!! Why wouldn't anyone tell me what's next on the list?!?!   woo...breathe.....Josh said that two things came to his mind. (thank you God for being alive and present in my man) He said "Laura you are picking up your heavy cross of Acceptance and Expectations everyday you wake up.  You are carrying these burdens that your savior already died for."  I can't not cry even now thinking about how eye-opening this was for me to realize.  He went on, " You are being an amazing wife and mom, growing in what God teaches you.  You have to trust.  You have to trust that he made you exactly how he wants you to be.  If you feel more comfortable washing the floor than playing with Payton some days, then wash the floor.  Trust that our children's lives are in our sovereign God's hands".  I don't think I can truly express how freeing that was to me.  I really want to fit into a mold.  I was trying to fit into some worldly mold that I was creating in my mind to be a biblical mold of what moms do there is no freedom in that.
I have lived my life trying to make others happy, for my own acceptance.  I have tried to live up to every ones expectations, expectations not that they might have for me but any expectation I have ever heard about.
      Mathew 11:30 "For my yolk is easy, and my burden is light"  
Jesus carried these burdens to the cross for me.  Jesus's burden is the lightest easiest yolk to put on, yet I choose to pick up my own: heavy and burdensome. I not only need to be in prayer about these burden continually but I recognize that I may never on this earth conquer them. That doesn't depress me, that gives me awareness.  I think awareness is half the battle.  I have never felt so free as I do today.  Like Jesus has just knocked down brick wall around my heart.  Like He just took the heaviest backpack off my shoulders.  I want to stop re-crucifying my God day after day and accept what he did for me so I can move through life..... and feel free.

ps.  this is very appropriate for Valentines day as my husband has given me the most amazing gift of his time to talk and be honest with me.  In the most loving and encouraging way he has rebuilt my broken spirit. He didn't just tell me I "chin up your doing great!" He understood that each person struggles with different things in different ways and what one person may be able to overcome one person may struggle with and need repentance from.  May God put someone like this in each one of your lives.
pps. wow that verse is a good one huh?? that have to be my next verse tatoo ;)  Jk family members who just rolled there eyes... or am I....?!?!

Laura