Going into this today I don't really know what I'm going to title this nor do I know the content. I do know I have so time and I think I need to write(type)(vent). I'm going on week 3 of a back injury and am feeling quite frustrated. Mostly because now from my on and off hydrocodone usage I am having horrible stomach cramping. This was always a problem for me after surgeries. Double edged sword bc the surgeries to get me colon working and pain killers slow it down but I needed to take it. Now I have a hard time restricting myself (from activity) and trying to decide my REAL pain level and what I should and shouldn't being doing. Basically I take a pill to get through the rest of my work day and then on to my kids coming home, supper, bedtime, being able to smile at them once or twice...basic stuff.
"oh laura! what did you do to your back?" "fall down stairs?? get hit by a car?? get tackled by a football player?? go hiking and strained something pulling yourself up that last cliff??" No my friends none of those, I was (drum roll please) picking up a laundry basket. Oh yes, laundry is evil :) Well actually my body is evil and cancer is evil and having my low back be super weak and muscles being cut in my core multiple times is evil. This is now the second time this has happened. Last time I was picking up Payton, again not something I can avoid. So three bulging discs later here I am.
The thing is now is just making my brain think rationally. I just got off a website for young colon cancer survivors and instead of it making me feel better, I just got overwhelmed. Kinda like I'm so sick of hearing about it why would I want to surround myself with it. I do wish I knew someone with similar issues.... but wait I do. All our bodies are so broken. I have so many friends with broken-ness in their lives right now. Maybe that's why I don't want to be around colon stories I want to be around "life" stories.
A depression has definitely set in our home. You know when you hear of things coming in waves? Sometimes it's trials, sometimes it's Gods' grace. Well each trial wave that has hit us for two years+ feels like it only went down to bring back more power. So now the good times: the day of health, a day of happiness, the children laughing, the quietness of a house, or for me the brief moment of truly feeling God through worship or reading- are instantly dampened by the fact that no matter what there is a wave coming to hit. My husband feels it, I feel it.
Seasons. God knows we are having this season. God is in charge of this season. God willed this season. Why in the world would that make me think he loves me? Why would I cry out to him for a break and He would hit me with a wave?? I can't answer that with an amazing biblical reference right now. Well I could, but then I would feel bad bc I don't feel it in my heart. I do know that knowing My God is in complete control of this mess makes me do nothing less than throw myself at his mercy. I know He's keeping me afloat. I know He's protecting me from so much more than I can imagine and not only that He's using this sinful broken body of mine for some purpose- I just don't see it.
I decided this this morning. Being a christian is not for the weak minded/heart. I am very tired of the health and wealth gospel because it in fact defiles the very purpose of Jesus dying on the cross. That he would tragically give up his life so that we could FEEL comfortable about ourselves. No, being a christian is about reading your bible even when you don't feel like it because you know with your every fiber it is t.r.u.t.h. It's crying out to God one minute that you don't understand why, why, why and the next minute thanking him for feeling his love when all else and failed. It's singing a praise song and feeling so moved by the holy spirit and the next minute get hit so hard with reality of your world around you that you feel physically unable go on. It's getting hit with wave after wave after wave, sometimes for 14 years, and somehow someway His face shines while your under the water saying" I don't want to go back up for air" and he lifts you out and says "my grace is sufficient. my rod and staff will comfort and guide you. my strength will uphold all your weaknesses and you will go on"
so i guess that is what my blog is about today
I am blessed beyond measure by all the help we have received and unlimited prayer. we do feel it, thank you
~laura
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Friday, April 12, 2013
I am Not a Strong Black Woman
I know that the title of my post may not come as a surprise to you :) I can't stop thinking about this phrase lately so I decided I should revisit this whole blogging adventure and put some thoughts out there. This is probably mostly a adoptive blog post but who knows maybe others can relate or understand as well.
I often thought to myself when Mya was younger that I really just wished I could be a strong black mom for her. Truly I meant this to my core. I heard an African mom in Target one day say in a beautiful accented strong tone to her daughter "if you choose to take to heart everything everyone says about you than you will become exactly what they think of you" (or something to that affect this was about 3 years ago). Aww dang it, why don't I think of those things. It was something about the dialect, the tone in her voice. It wasn't condescending baby talk nor did it have any question. The woman didn't add any extra positive words of affirmation or wait for a response. She just stated it as fact and moved on with her shopping list. Then I saw the move "The Help" of course you remember "you is kind. you is smart. you is important" YES those are very good direct things to say to a child first thing in the morning. Most my mornings I start of by saying "seriously? it's not even 7 why are you up?"
Immediately since Mya's birth I started comparing to myself to how a black women sounded and talked to there children because I thought that is what she needed in her life. This continued when we adopted Payton and we were in Louisiana for 14 days. There was easily accessible hair gel on every corner, a kind smile in every store, and lots of beautiful children running around for me to access how uptight and caucasion I truly felt. Let me stop right here completely admit that I am totally stereotyping a group of people. I'm pretty sure I'm not being racist, but maybe against white people so I'm sorry if you think that. However, josh, my husband is white and well, he's an ok guy so I don't dislike ALL white people ;) I digress. I just started in the past couple of weeks realizing how I have held this over my head for almost 7 years now.
I want Mya to embrace her hair, her thick thick thick, curly hair. I feel I have failed if she doesn't. So every time she tells me she wants it straight I wince a little and feel I've failed. Then every morning I pull out my own straightener and continue to straighten my curly hair. When she doesn't do what she needs to take care of her skin I feel exhausted from from reminding her so much and feel I've failed. When she acts like every other girl, does what every one else does and follows a crowd I feel I've failed her. Are you catching on to what sounds like every other mom you have heard talk about her daughter?? Ya, me too.
This is what has hit me. I am a women who will never know what it is like to have a biological child. I don't know what comes from the adoption realm and what comes from "kids being kids" realm. For someone to say to me "oh that's just every child" makes me reel in anger inside. Belittling the fact that we have a blended family whose children will always have some small part of their hearts missing. This should not be focused on nor ignored. God can only fill that void, for both of us. I will always have to fight the sinful thought of what if their birth families could have done it better, they will never NOT have other people out there who they have some sort of connection with. No one wants to know they were given up and every day I am reminded by looking at my children that I was not the one to carry and bond with them for 9 months, talk to them, sing to them and prepare for them. For some reason I feel like I am not loving them enough or teaching them enough or making them be who God wants them to be.... and that's were I stop.
God has created me. God has created them. God has created me, very purposefully to be their mom.
Why would God choose this white women to mother these two beautiful brown babies? I do not know. I do know Isaiah 55 says "my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither my ways like your ways, declares the LORD". THANKfully!! This gives me comfort in knowing that in my complete lack of ignorance God has all the knowledge. In my prejudice God has complete equality. In my questioning and guilt God has truth and love.
Maybe just maybe I am learning how exactly RIGHT the fit is in this family instead of how misshapen it is. I always knew my kids were great but I am learning how great they are as my children. I am learning that my knowledge my life experience may be exactly what they need. I'm learning that the job that God has given us to raise these children to learn who He is and to make sure the narrow path of truth is brought into their vision line is far more important than strong statements and perfectly braided hair. God help me as I continually let this world blur my vision.
Laura
I often thought to myself when Mya was younger that I really just wished I could be a strong black mom for her. Truly I meant this to my core. I heard an African mom in Target one day say in a beautiful accented strong tone to her daughter "if you choose to take to heart everything everyone says about you than you will become exactly what they think of you" (or something to that affect this was about 3 years ago). Aww dang it, why don't I think of those things. It was something about the dialect, the tone in her voice. It wasn't condescending baby talk nor did it have any question. The woman didn't add any extra positive words of affirmation or wait for a response. She just stated it as fact and moved on with her shopping list. Then I saw the move "The Help" of course you remember "you is kind. you is smart. you is important" YES those are very good direct things to say to a child first thing in the morning. Most my mornings I start of by saying "seriously? it's not even 7 why are you up?"
Immediately since Mya's birth I started comparing to myself to how a black women sounded and talked to there children because I thought that is what she needed in her life. This continued when we adopted Payton and we were in Louisiana for 14 days. There was easily accessible hair gel on every corner, a kind smile in every store, and lots of beautiful children running around for me to access how uptight and caucasion I truly felt. Let me stop right here completely admit that I am totally stereotyping a group of people. I'm pretty sure I'm not being racist, but maybe against white people so I'm sorry if you think that. However, josh, my husband is white and well, he's an ok guy so I don't dislike ALL white people ;) I digress. I just started in the past couple of weeks realizing how I have held this over my head for almost 7 years now.
I want Mya to embrace her hair, her thick thick thick, curly hair. I feel I have failed if she doesn't. So every time she tells me she wants it straight I wince a little and feel I've failed. Then every morning I pull out my own straightener and continue to straighten my curly hair. When she doesn't do what she needs to take care of her skin I feel exhausted from from reminding her so much and feel I've failed. When she acts like every other girl, does what every one else does and follows a crowd I feel I've failed her. Are you catching on to what sounds like every other mom you have heard talk about her daughter?? Ya, me too.
This is what has hit me. I am a women who will never know what it is like to have a biological child. I don't know what comes from the adoption realm and what comes from "kids being kids" realm. For someone to say to me "oh that's just every child" makes me reel in anger inside. Belittling the fact that we have a blended family whose children will always have some small part of their hearts missing. This should not be focused on nor ignored. God can only fill that void, for both of us. I will always have to fight the sinful thought of what if their birth families could have done it better, they will never NOT have other people out there who they have some sort of connection with. No one wants to know they were given up and every day I am reminded by looking at my children that I was not the one to carry and bond with them for 9 months, talk to them, sing to them and prepare for them. For some reason I feel like I am not loving them enough or teaching them enough or making them be who God wants them to be.... and that's were I stop.
God has created me. God has created them. God has created me, very purposefully to be their mom.
Why would God choose this white women to mother these two beautiful brown babies? I do not know. I do know Isaiah 55 says "my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither my ways like your ways, declares the LORD". THANKfully!! This gives me comfort in knowing that in my complete lack of ignorance God has all the knowledge. In my prejudice God has complete equality. In my questioning and guilt God has truth and love.
Maybe just maybe I am learning how exactly RIGHT the fit is in this family instead of how misshapen it is. I always knew my kids were great but I am learning how great they are as my children. I am learning that my knowledge my life experience may be exactly what they need. I'm learning that the job that God has given us to raise these children to learn who He is and to make sure the narrow path of truth is brought into their vision line is far more important than strong statements and perfectly braided hair. God help me as I continually let this world blur my vision.
Laura
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