this is possibly the stupidist(not a word i know) thing i have blogged about to date, but its tough for me so maybe its tough for someone else to....
well im feeling just a little attacked in the area of body image and looks these past couple days. so im sick of dwelling so im blogging. i've been googling swimwear for 45 min and once again coming up empty handed. with my post cancer body i have to have a very specific swimsuit. and as i browse here are some memories i have
boating with friends and feeling excited i found a suit that was a somewhat of a swimdress and my friends sister says "oh I had that exact swimsuit when I was pregnant"
going to a hotel recently and a women in her 60's with the exact style of swimsuit on as me.
going to the pool with my friends and feeling like the frumpiest mom
i like my suits to have style and personality and i end up with a cookie cutter lands end suit. nothing wrong with them i just feel old. so i've been googling retro suits like i want and they all are cut down to the belly button, out of my size, or a little to bootylicious.
so im feeling overwhelmed and defeated. look im so exhausted i cant even capitalize my sentences, jeepers. you know, there is just always someone prettier, always someone skinnier always someone craftier and someone calmer. I see women all week long, im supposed to be making them prettier and have more self confidence and sometimes in return i am drained of all mine. I'm surrounded by pretty people :) and i love them. i am just a little bummed, it happens EVERY year this time. it gets nice out and everyone is carefree headed to the pool and beach and i dread it, its a lot of work for me. i have to have extra illeostomy bags everywhere i go, i have to be contious if my bag is showing, i have to make sure i can keep up with the kids and still be in one piece myself.
ok done. done venting. i think i just needed to pry myself off google. off to work now... feeling better already mostly do to pandora and jimmy needham/dara maclean :)
happy swimsuit shopping
laura
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
house of volcanoes
Well, it's obvious to my little self that I need to blog before heading to the gym today. I am a little amped to get going today bc its the first day in a week + that everyone is ALMOST feeling better including myself. Last time I tried working out I got 3 more days of sick, so I'll try again.
The Hejl household has had many many God moments this weekend. hmmm where do we begin.... How about with yesterday. A Sunday in which God choose to reveal himself to Josh and I in ways so loving and encouraging yet so personal and direct to each one of our hearts. First a sunday school of recognizing God's most amazing attention to detail in creation. His amazing art. His bigness and our smallness and how comforting that is. The fact that He would create the universe and mountains and then create ants and fireflies. That he would give our bodies the ability to fight off disease and to take each breath and to create life- yet he would think to create fingernails and eyelashes. Why would we worry why do we despair when he has so much power and so much knowledge. Well I'll tell you, bc we want to try to figure everything out ourselves. Now onto an amazing church service, worship that spoke right to our souls and a message about praying and reaching out to people with the gospel and Gods' sacrifice. Onto lunch, running into people we normally don't get to see or connect with. Finding out in our worry and our despair God would put friends so kind so moved by the spirit in that moment to but our whole table lunch. They tried to be anonymous but that's so silly because we are just so smart :) They didn't do it because they are wealthy, they didn't do it to boast. It's like we could feel the hand of God laid on there heart to be used to lift our hearts in His love. whoa sorry if that sounded deep but seriously it meant so much. We also got to be in a room with a family from our church. They put us right by each other with no other people from the whole other restaurant! We didn't ask to be by them we just "happened" to be there at the same time and that's what was open. It wasn't until the end of our meal when we all where moving around more we got to start chatting and hearing there story of a grown adopted child and many grandchildren and just the love for Christ they had the life experiences they have had. Their road of struggle didn't end, that would mean they were dead! But they held onto God and God clearly held onto them even tighter and you could see the joy in there eyes. Not to mention I got to hold this little baby that looks just like the male version of Mya in her pudgy little baby form :)
Now onto more personal stuff.... lets back up to the huge marital spat sat night before all this revealing. This time of stress in our lives has been just a little too long... in our eyes, not in Gods. Because you see as you grow in Christ the battles get a little more intense the refiners fire gets a little more heated. And there used to be a day and age in our younger walk with Him that we could shrug it off and move on- lesson averted. Now, Gods like "No. stay here, keep your eyes on me, hold my hand- but stay here. Look at me child, trust me child. Do you see this battle you are trying to fight on your own? Do you see this hill you are trying to climb on your own? Can you let that go and just trust me?" *breathe* My anger towards the situation came out in tormenting the closest one to me, my husband. Denying him of any happiness from me denying him of my need for him bc I just wanted to be done and do it on my own. Blaming him for things that clearing he is also in battle with. So in our house of volcanoes and drama that comes out in confrontation. What can I say, we are a house of passion. Right down to our kiddos. We're loud, we fight, but then we hug and we say I love you and our hearts rip out when one of us is hurting. Well in this time we were all hurting. Mostly Josh and I. And yesterday God spoke to Josh on what he wants him to work on and how he can't just change an external factor and that will go away, and I will continue to pray for him. As for me, repentance first and foremost for acting like a child selfishly throwing a tantrum and pouting hoping I would get my way. Amazing how God disciplines and loves in the most perfect way, a lesson I hope to achieve sometime in the next 18 years :0)
I think people are waiting to hear, "Josh got 5 huge houses to build! We will be set now. I am not stressed at my job and we are all perfectly healthy!" yes that would be neat-o. But not nearly as life changing,moving and representing of God's almighty hand in our lives. His all knowing wisdom of our lives before we even took our first breath. His attention to detail and creating our personalities, not making any mistakes. He put our family together piece by piece for an exact purpose. We are in this to see his glory revealed and that my friends brings. me. joy.
May you recognize how big God is today...
Isaiah 55:9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts" is God saying he's better than us?!?! YEEESS!! I would surely hope the hope that you are being taught and filled with the knowledge that Jesus is the ONLY way truth and life to God. His ways ARE higher than ours and thank GOD because can you imaging if our ways were the way to salvation?? have you looked at this earth?? plus I can't create a human from nothing... can you???
laura
The Hejl household has had many many God moments this weekend. hmmm where do we begin.... How about with yesterday. A Sunday in which God choose to reveal himself to Josh and I in ways so loving and encouraging yet so personal and direct to each one of our hearts. First a sunday school of recognizing God's most amazing attention to detail in creation. His amazing art. His bigness and our smallness and how comforting that is. The fact that He would create the universe and mountains and then create ants and fireflies. That he would give our bodies the ability to fight off disease and to take each breath and to create life- yet he would think to create fingernails and eyelashes. Why would we worry why do we despair when he has so much power and so much knowledge. Well I'll tell you, bc we want to try to figure everything out ourselves. Now onto an amazing church service, worship that spoke right to our souls and a message about praying and reaching out to people with the gospel and Gods' sacrifice. Onto lunch, running into people we normally don't get to see or connect with. Finding out in our worry and our despair God would put friends so kind so moved by the spirit in that moment to but our whole table lunch. They tried to be anonymous but that's so silly because we are just so smart :) They didn't do it because they are wealthy, they didn't do it to boast. It's like we could feel the hand of God laid on there heart to be used to lift our hearts in His love. whoa sorry if that sounded deep but seriously it meant so much. We also got to be in a room with a family from our church. They put us right by each other with no other people from the whole other restaurant! We didn't ask to be by them we just "happened" to be there at the same time and that's what was open. It wasn't until the end of our meal when we all where moving around more we got to start chatting and hearing there story of a grown adopted child and many grandchildren and just the love for Christ they had the life experiences they have had. Their road of struggle didn't end, that would mean they were dead! But they held onto God and God clearly held onto them even tighter and you could see the joy in there eyes. Not to mention I got to hold this little baby that looks just like the male version of Mya in her pudgy little baby form :)
Now onto more personal stuff.... lets back up to the huge marital spat sat night before all this revealing. This time of stress in our lives has been just a little too long... in our eyes, not in Gods. Because you see as you grow in Christ the battles get a little more intense the refiners fire gets a little more heated. And there used to be a day and age in our younger walk with Him that we could shrug it off and move on- lesson averted. Now, Gods like "No. stay here, keep your eyes on me, hold my hand- but stay here. Look at me child, trust me child. Do you see this battle you are trying to fight on your own? Do you see this hill you are trying to climb on your own? Can you let that go and just trust me?" *breathe* My anger towards the situation came out in tormenting the closest one to me, my husband. Denying him of any happiness from me denying him of my need for him bc I just wanted to be done and do it on my own. Blaming him for things that clearing he is also in battle with. So in our house of volcanoes and drama that comes out in confrontation. What can I say, we are a house of passion. Right down to our kiddos. We're loud, we fight, but then we hug and we say I love you and our hearts rip out when one of us is hurting. Well in this time we were all hurting. Mostly Josh and I. And yesterday God spoke to Josh on what he wants him to work on and how he can't just change an external factor and that will go away, and I will continue to pray for him. As for me, repentance first and foremost for acting like a child selfishly throwing a tantrum and pouting hoping I would get my way. Amazing how God disciplines and loves in the most perfect way, a lesson I hope to achieve sometime in the next 18 years :0)
I think people are waiting to hear, "Josh got 5 huge houses to build! We will be set now. I am not stressed at my job and we are all perfectly healthy!" yes that would be neat-o. But not nearly as life changing,moving and representing of God's almighty hand in our lives. His all knowing wisdom of our lives before we even took our first breath. His attention to detail and creating our personalities, not making any mistakes. He put our family together piece by piece for an exact purpose. We are in this to see his glory revealed and that my friends brings. me. joy.
May you recognize how big God is today...
Isaiah 55:9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts" is God saying he's better than us?!?! YEEESS!! I would surely hope the hope that you are being taught and filled with the knowledge that Jesus is the ONLY way truth and life to God. His ways ARE higher than ours and thank GOD because can you imaging if our ways were the way to salvation?? have you looked at this earth?? plus I can't create a human from nothing... can you???
laura
Friday, March 16, 2012
tiny little post
I feel a little silly even writing this because it has been so long since I posted. I don't really know who reads this but that shouldn't matter because Im SUPPOSED to be writing this for me :) well so goes life. Life has been a little rough and I hate coming on here or talking to people and either whining about it or sounding fake. Satan has found my weakness and is picking at every single one. When there is stress in our house (ie. no work for my husband, more stress with home businesses...) the first thing hit is our marriage, second is my eating and emotional vulnerability and third is my worth. I notice myself eating more, on the internet more and praying/ reading Gods word less. This time I do feel I've kept up on being in the word but am struggling with one thing. Listening. I don't know how to listen to God. I don't take the time and when I do there are to many "laura thoughts" intercepting the call. I really have been focusing on the Holy Spirit and taking hold of the fact that when we become christians we have the power of the HS. I would just like to claim that heavenly control. Daily Im tempted and frustrated to be defeated worried anxious and have self pity. I want to be that women who wakes up with the joy of salvation on her mind and heart. the woman that no matter the state of her husbands mind has contentment in the Lord. I know I can't but I know God can. Why wont He? I don't know.... I will keep on trying to find out.
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