Pick me!!!

Good morning! Well so here we are a nice beautiful day for once in South Dakota and so far at 9 in the morning life is going good. Had a great devotional this morning and learned so much and have so much running through my head, which means..... if you are reading this you may want to block off your morning :)
I am feeling so on fire about who God has in us when we are his children and in the body of believers. Along with that I am so saddened by how we don't use our abilities and gifts in that body. Everyday we pray... "God give me peace, God give me patience,God give me hope" and you know what?! He already has!! When we become in unity with Christ the Holy Spirit is poured down on us and we posses the likeness of CHRIST!! John 20:22 "and with that he breathed on them and said, "receive the Holy Spirit"." Now I mean are you kidding me? can you imagine in that moment the disciples who had walked and talked with God and then being in fear of losing him and right before he says this in vs. 21 he says "peace be with you!" He was like "come on guys! I am never leaving you you are going to posses me in your souls with the holy spirit! I have to go live in heaven to create a home for your eternity!" And so for me I need a huge hammer to knock that into my stubborn mind, maybe daily!! I am created in Christs' likeness. I posses access to the almighty saviorthrough the Holy Spirit and the fruits of the spirit. Galatians 5:22 says it, "the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control" all I have to do I tap into it.
I am fighting feeling so old and already used up from this life but am beginning to be overjoyed in how God has been prepping me for the rest my life. I am thankful for his strength and his insights and his timing. How as i am in the middle of fire this world has put me in he reaches in quickly and pulls me out, dusts me off and shows me the new refined jewel he has allowed in my life and then used it to glorify him. I also love that as situations arise now I am quickly looking to him to see what is that he has in store. I WANT TO BE USEFUL! doesn't everyone? isn't that how we get into so much trouble, searching for what can make us happy or fulfill our need to be needed. But my cry to God lately is "Father your will be done in my life and God use me in ways I cant' imagine ways that can only bring honor to you and not to me." because when He uses me I feel the overwhelming joy and happiness and am blessed beyond what i can imagine.
So here is my struggle. Knowing and continually focusing on who I am in His eyes. That is very very hard for me. I have huge battles to overcome in the self- esteem area and base my intimate time with him to much with how i feel, satan knows my every move and is prowling around like a lion (1 peter 5) waiting for my guard to go down, waiting for my past to come up. the second i think a bad thought about my body, the second I'm determined I'm not worthy of being a mother, the second i feel sick and am sure i will have another life threatening illness, the second i feel no energy after a normal days activities.... he is watching.... but you know what?! He has no reign in my life!!!! he is not welcome in the house of God and my body is the temple of God!!! So i will continue to fight it I will continue to learn verses and listen to speakers and learn who i am in him and try to see myself through his eyes. and yes continue to blog about it all. :)