Blessings Disguised

So one of my least favorite sayings is when you are so down and out, so beyond wanting any positive feedback and someone says, "well God will work it out" or "the silver lining to this is..." and most of all, "well sometimes blessings are disguised". Seriously?! We have a saying in our family its..."that sucks". BC you know what, sometimes you just need to say that sucks, there is not anything positive in the moment of feeling like your insides are gonna fall out after surgery nothing special in the moment of a birth mom deciding she is going to keep her baby she was going to give you after you already bought your plane tickets, nope they just suck. NOOOOWWW, after those past here is where I am at. Some of there moments in my life took longer some I am coming around a lot quicker.
I was going to blog last night and I'm glad i waited. I had so much in my head and really I want to follow up on my last post. I tend to want to expand my knowledge and write on that instead of digging into my soul, and that's what this blog is supposed to be about.
So something I am seeing so much clearer these days is how to i tend to keep myself in darkness. You see satan loooves the dark. He can prowl around a lot longer mostly bc he has to flee from any sign or mention of Jesus and where there is Jesus there is light. So many times during my sickness and surgeries it took my a long while to allow this light in, like I said God never left my side I am his child I have given him my life, that does not mean I had yet let him begin to heal my soul and my life. There are so many deep dark areas in our lives that we think we an overcome and you can plan on satan swarming that area until you give it to him. I hate this memory but i have healed through it so Im going to share it.
After my most recent recent surgery which was a hysterectomy after my daughter was adopted. My mom was staying with us bc of course with me they had to do the full internal surgery and I was down for another 6-8 weeks. I was already feeling horrible watching my life my family all moving around me as i yet again sat on the couch every day, when this though crept into my mind. "why would you even adopt a child? don't you think there was a reason God made it so that you couldn't have children for a reason? did you really think you could handle this?"" you are NOT supposed to be a mom!" It was after she went to bed and I immediately began sobbing and screaming at my mom and husband that I don't care anymore about anything, I don't want to be a mom I shouldn't be a mom and I want curl up and let everyone else have a life. This was the second time in my life I can remember begging God to just take me home, one other was recovering from one of my surgeries. Both times I just remember crying that kinda cry where you know you sound like a 3 yr old and you cant stop blubbering and making noises and you just say whatever you want in the moment even if you swear in front of your mom?! The most amazing thing about those moments is I truly think that God loves them. He's like "thank you Child, thank you for opening up your wound so I can work" I think he wants us to pour our hearts out especially in front of other members of His family so he can use those moments to heal us. Bc if I had held that thought in any longer I would have exploded with guilt. Now when I feel the darkness creeping in as much and I want to just lie in it, hide there and wait until it passes, I know it wont pass until i shout for Gods hand. And Ive lived too many of these moments to forget that the sooner I do it the sooner I can heal and move on. Everyone wants to move on.... not everyone wants to heal.
(so again, I will share more about my adoptions later, i have to many things going here:)
Right now I am just so seeing and appreciating Gods timing and molding. You know just a few weeks ago I was feeling old. Like "well if God hasn't used me for something its probably too late" i know i know even now I'm writing it and shaking my head at myself, I'm only in my 30's. I was just talking to a dear friend yesterday and she was saying how she admires where i/my family are at this stage in our lives and I was saying how I think that of other couples who get married and have a least there faith so in check and it seems there are so further ahead that we were at the unripe age of 20-21. So we all look at everyone else. Great, now I will look at where I am and realize I am so much further than were I was 10 years ago and how far Gods brought me. okay another realization from Beth Moore- if you haven't lived through some life, if you haven't had hard experiences, you can't be compassionate, you can't understand God's love for you and you can't understand his grace.(that's a summary for what she said)
I have been entrusted these life situations!! God thought i was capable and allowed them to happen and used them all for his glory and my growth. Whenever i find myself wishing I was a weakling who couldn't handle anything so I wouldn't get anything :) I just shake my head and think "are you kidding me Laura??!!" I would NEVER trade who I am in Christ today for any ANY thing I had to endure. If you had told me 10yrs ago what Id endure id want to die right then but that's not how it works. He led me slowly through each thing and allowed me his grace to get through one at a time for what I could handle. Even now when things arise I immediately want to see what he has in store. Because nothing, NOTHING my dear friends is without his almighty purpose, He doesn't make mistakes, He doesn't screw up. And oooh ooooh how I am so thankful He brought me into His light bc in his light I can see my beautiful children, I can see him working in the life of my husband, into this amazing/trusting man of God,(he should start a blog called "what its like to be married to a work in progress :)" I can see my personality and strength in Him, and I can MOST importantly see His grace his forgiveness and his healing.
so yes, yes now I see.... sometimes blessings are disguised, but not by God, by our human sinful nature that sees things from this side, not His eternal side which is never hidden from us we choose whether or not to search for it to open up our bibles and let it pour into us. May your day be filled with blessings undisguised from Gods being into your heart. "your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."
ok preview(since this is so long) i reeeally want to talk about what i've learned about prayer and some struggles (some still ongoing) Ive faced with it. OK really!! I'm done!!!
God's daughter
laura