Duct Tape

I heard this this morning and it is completely changed my plan for my blog today. "Jesus knows its scary to be us". I think its time I talk a little (or a lot, depending on my endurance) to talk about my what life is like after colon cancer or probably any cancer I would imagine. You know I just have such a hard hard time imagining God ever really being just right here next to me going through everything I do. I am very visual person I don't know if I just missed out on the imagination train or what but even if im learning a new haircut I have to SEE what is being done and then without even reading anything I can imagine it in my mind. So for me to have true intimacy with God I really have to concentrate on his word and speakers that bring it alive to me. I tell you this bc that is why this statement was such an eye opener to me.
So let me fill you in ...... So yes I had colon cancer when I was 18 and if you ask me now I will tell you that the 1-2 years going through with chemo and radiotion, it was not nearly as bad as the 10 years to follow. Surgeries to fix and remove organs damaged by radiation, my health constantly being under attack bc of my broken down immune system, my ability to have biological children taken away, menopause at 19, and that constant thought in the back of my mind.. even if its a headache..."whats wrong with me now, i wonder if its back" And that last statement is what I want to talk about. You see I feel as though deep in my thoughts underneath everything going on in my mind and my life I have an underlying feeling that one day in my future I will have cancer again. Some days honestly if I let myself think about it I wonder how my body gets out of bed in the morning, praise God. Our bodies are amazing, amen?! heres the deal, I have no large intestine and only part of my small. Which means my nutrition intake is taken down by over half. they explained it to me this way, "while other peoples bodies have a football field to absorb anything they eat or supplement your body only has a first down or a few yards to take in" obviously this was a guy doctor thankfully i watch some football:) If i get sick or have anything go wrong it takes at least double the amount of time to get over it. I feel like ive been duct taped together to keep myself going, seriously?! hormone patches and creams to keep me semi stable, ostomy bags and supplies, supplements to keep some nutrition, thyroid compounds, I have no gallbladder. I sum it up i just tell people anything you absolutely don't need in your body to live they took out of my stomach area. So how can I not, if i let myself dwell on this, begin to think i would not in some way have this happen again?? I feel so brittle so weak .... so useless. I won't open up the can of worms right now about how this all comes into play with adopting my beautiful children( I'll get into that some other day) but when some days, which are a lot lately, I feel so incapable of getting myself out of bed and medicated and nourished: I feel completely incapable of having two children to take care of. Not to mention if they have any special needs to deal with that day. In this past year both my husband and I have just truly realized the load that we carry, not to be compared with anyone else. And I mean that in the way that everyone has there own load and battle that we will never understand. For us it seems although I want so badly to be "normal", that we will just always have a little extra baggage to manage. OK let me explain this normal statement. *sigh* ok here is where publishing your life is a little sketchy but I know know know that someday someone will find this with the same issues or maybe know someone who has them. I know there is no "normal". Let me be blunt I have a illiostomy bag, yep its weird i'll let you research it if you want, but its a bag on my stomach for my colon, yep thats even weirder. ok so back to my rambling,..... somedays i want to not have to get up in the middle of the night and empty it- we recently went camping in a tent and i have to get up with a flashlight and walk to the bathrooms and then quietly try to get back in the tent trying not to wake the kids at like 3am and then try to fall back asleep and get up with kiddos at 6am. Anytime we go on a road trip, or boating I'm the one who has to stop the fun and go to the bathroom. When I get dressed in the morning, every dang morning since i was 19, im 31 now, i have to pick out clothes in which cleverly hide my bag and make sure not to show with my shirt being long enough. every time i go shopping, every time theres a new fashion every time someone says "oh you'd be cute in this dress!" that's like cotton and tight I have to smile and say "oh i just don't like that style" instead of screaming I LOVE THAT DRESS and WOULD LOVE TO WEAR it but my colon bag would show right through it!!!!!! I would love to go shopping for a swimsuit instead of spending countless hours on the Internet searching blogs of other colostomy wearers and looking at measurements of tops and bottoms and types of materials. i used to love summer in my former years and now i dread it. I don't want to research immunity juices and pills and hormones and creams and go to the medical store and get adjustments and get injuries from doing normal exercise. I DON"T.................... but here's the kicker...... this is my little life and you know what I am now starting to SEE Gods bigs plan.... more to come tomorrow im a little emotionally spent after this blog.. May God bless your day and may you share this with anyone you feel in your heart could use it..
Gods daughter, Laura