Well I think I just need to write a little blog to the overbearing mothers out there today. This weekend God has laid on my heart my own words and actions. It's kinda like sitting outside your body and listening to the words you say. The other night Mya was cutting her pizza and 3 times I corrected her and (in my mind) tried to help her do it an "easier" way, or in other words, my way. She wasn't crying in frustration, asking for help, or starving from lack of food as she failed to get it in her mouth. Nope I just felt the need to instruct and the need to make things "better" for her. Then I heard myself on the third time of helping her and I audibly blurted out "UGH I am so annoying!!!!! Mya I am so sorry honey you are doing a fine job at cutting your pizza and I'm sorry I always think you need my instruction. You are so smart and are such a big girl."
So let me back up. As you may have seen in my blogs I do struggle with my "mommy-hood". I wonder if I'm any good at it, I wonder if it's "working", I wonder if I am learning and obeying what God wants me to do and what He how he wants me to be. I have been praying myself through many situations these past few weeks and then I had a particular incident this Sat. It's like I kept praying for Mya's heart and that she would change and although I still know she needs to recognize her need for a savior, I see now that as our role as parents God can change us through OUR need for change and growth in Him. Ok so bare with me this may seem like not that big of a deal but sometimes God can use small situations to make a big impact. So we were at a dance competition on Sat and as to reduce fighting and stress I purchased a hair piece to put over her bun so we could just put it in quick and have an easy curly pony tail. So during her second song she did a jump and flipped her fabulous pony and off it fell onto the floor. Thankfully I was sitting in the "take a good picture" area and just smiled big and mouthed "its OK just keep going, no big deal no big deal" she looked horrified and like tears were on the verge of her sensitive little soul. Then she put on a huge (fake) smile and kept dancing. She just kept looking at me and then putting on that smile and she never really found her "moves" again but she sure tried. Then the music ended and she ran over to me and burst into silents tears. Immediately I told her how proud I was of her and how she handled her self so well and she did her best. Her amazing dance coach came over, hugged her, told her how good she did and she was so proud of how she kept going. This gave me a feeling I haven't felt in a long time, maybe never have. She was so grown up, yet she needed me to just be there. She needed me to just hug her and say its ok. Even though I wasn't out there with her she knew she should keep going and get through the dance. And I just had this light shine down on me moment. The rest of the day I just said "yes" more to silly things that are no big deal, I let her play around more and not worry about her bothering people, I gave into moments of arguing. This isn't one of those, "oh you only live once moments" or "oh time flies when your kids are young just let them have fun" moments. I truly hover over my oldest child like if I don't make sure every moment of her life I exactly how it should be I will be a failure. The last 48 hours have been of me truly looking at each situation as it is and deciding if its a battle worth fighting. It is so important for my children to be able to have respect for the important issues I need to talk to them about. I feel like with my daughter we can butt heads so many times that the minute I open my mouth her guard goes up and she doesn't want to hear what I have to say. I feel like even in 48 hours that has changed.
Now tomorrow morning I will write a blog on a new parental issue. But for now this was just on my heart. I let all the "how to's" "what not to do's" make my emotional loving connection with my daughter turn to one of those ruler snapping "don't you dare" relationships.
And to those of you knowing my mind and my blogs here is how this is relating to my relationship with Christ. He is the PERFECT father who is always standing on the sidelines waiting for me to run to him and just cry when I need to. He also lovingly corrects me when I am wrong and disciplines me to strengthen me heart for Him. He is NOT a ruler snapper who one day says "you did amazing today, I love you!" and the next day "you really messed up today, Im not talking to you until you do better and I'm certainly not showing you any affection." He has given me his gift of grace and that is NOT because I was perfect NOT because I never screwed up and NOT because already knew everything I needed to know. All the opposite is true.
So now to let this all settle and to continue to remember it. I will continue to pray for wisdom. And I encourage you to look at every situation big or small as a teachable moment, and not just for your children ;)
laura (ps i know my blog is visually boring bc i just don't take a lot of pictures! also this blog thing is completely self taught on my part and I don't know how to do anything on here!!! and don't have time to mess around with it. So if you reeeaaaaly want to you can give me some (loving /gentle) advice.
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