A little fresh air

I never thought I had a misunderstanding of Jesus' love for me.  Until today.  You see I keep reading the word, reading excerpts, trying to pray and it just all seems to go right through my head and right past my heart, which is a different route than through my heart.  I have developed the perception that in order to have direction, strength and love from him I must preform.  I always SAY that I understand how we can not earn our way to heaven, that Jesus did that for us.  But do I understand that's more than DOING its thinking.  Let me explain.... It was shown to me yesterday that I must truly rely on Him to raise my children.  Mostly my strong willed daughter.  (for now, we'll see what the years bring for my little buster of 21 months).  You see I don't remember myself EVER being so independent as a child.  I'm pretty sure I got one spanking in my life and maybe a few disappointed glares.  Now, all that changed in high school so I was just preparing myself that I had 10 more years until the real "hunker-down" parenting would begin.  So yesterday (and for some time now) we began a battle and initially I prayed God would let me emotions be to the side and I would act like a parent and not a friend.  I stood firm and was graceful doing so, it was a battle and it ended long before bed so we had some peaceful time before bed... great, right? No, because I felt overwhelmed and beaten down.  I felt I poked the bear a little too much and probably over parented/corrected some. I felt like a failure because my daughter was not changed.  Apparently I feel that's my job. It's not, it's Gods.  So here are some thoughts that ran through my head last night, that of course I'm a little embarrassed to print.  "okay so maybe God doesn't even help me because maybe I don't believe enough"  "what is this life I have? why do I have these challenges? Is this seriously what the rest of my life looks like?"  " God, why don't I feel you near? God, why do I read and not understand?" "God, why don't you change these things wrong with ME so that I can parent the way you want me too?"
So, now its morning.  I had a nice talk with my husband who loving showed me some things about my own personality that butts heads with my daughters.  And he assured me of the things I said and did pointed Mya's heart to God and it will be in His time that He chooses to use those things to change her.   So I gave up, I mean seriously I gave up.  I woke up this morning realizing Christ in no way love me because of performance.  How I parent how I love how I act is no matter, how I rely on his and lead my life is.   ready for my devo today???
      Proverbs 2:1-7
 ¹ My son, if you accept my words 
   and store up my commands within you, 
² turning your ear to wisdom 
   and applying your heart to understanding— 
³ indeed, if you call out for insight 
   and cry aloud for understanding, 
⁴ and if you look for it as for silver 
   and search for it as for hidden treasure, 
⁵ then you will understand the fear of the LORD 
   and find the knowledge of God. 
⁶ For the LORD gives wisdom; 
   from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. 
⁷ He holds success in store for the upright, 
   he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,
So before I read this I prayed I would understand these words and take whatever it was to heart.  If you cry out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, you will find the knowledge of God. Here's the part people tend to leave out... he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless. Does that mean you have to be perfect? here is what the word UPRIGHT means:" those who are believers, who seek to know, love, and obey God and to live righteously.  These covenant keepers alone can know wisdom and experience Gods' protection".(john macarthur's commentary)  I looked this up for my own good and I am saying this to myself and to those who are believers in Gods saving grace through his son Jesus "I AM A BELIEVER AND I CAN KNOW WISDOM AND EXPERIENCE GODS PROTECTION"   This world has made having a relationship with God so complicated.  When he offers peace, knowledge, and protection all we have to do is obey and seek.... and when we try to do do do he feels farther and farther away.  
I can't say this is the end of my journey.  That now I get it and will never battle this again.  But I am on my way to understanding.  I get it.  I get it God, that my time is not invested in you.  I am not seeking your knowledge, the one true knowledge that can deliver me from all these things.  
May God speak to your heart where you need it the most.
Thank you for taking this journey with me.
Laura