Waves

Going into this today I don't really know what I'm going to title this nor do I know the content.  I do know I have so time and I think I need to write(type)(vent).  I'm going on week 3 of a back injury and am feeling quite frustrated.  Mostly because now from my on and off hydrocodone usage I am having horrible stomach cramping.  This was always a problem for me after surgeries.  Double edged sword bc the surgeries to get me colon working and pain killers slow it down but I needed to take it.  Now I have a hard time restricting myself (from activity) and trying to decide my REAL pain level and what I should and shouldn't being doing.  Basically I take a pill to get through the rest of my work day and then on to my kids coming home, supper, bedtime, being able to smile at them once or twice...basic stuff.

"oh laura! what did you do to your back?"  "fall down stairs?? get hit by a car?? get tackled by a football player?? go hiking and strained something pulling yourself up that last cliff??"  No my friends none of those, I was (drum roll please) picking up a laundry basket.  Oh yes, laundry is evil :) Well actually my body is evil and cancer is evil and having my low back be super weak and muscles being cut in my core multiple times is evil.  This is now the second time this has happened.  Last time I was picking up Payton, again not something I can avoid.  So three bulging discs later here I am.

The thing is now is just making my brain think rationally.  I just got off a website for young colon cancer survivors and instead of it making me feel better, I just got overwhelmed.  Kinda like I'm so sick of hearing about it why would I want to surround myself with it.  I do wish I knew someone with similar issues.... but wait I do.  All our bodies are so broken.  I have so many friends with broken-ness in their lives right now.  Maybe that's why I don't want to be around colon stories I want to be around "life" stories.

A depression has definitely set in our home.  You know when you hear of things coming in waves? Sometimes it's trials, sometimes it's Gods' grace.  Well each trial wave that has hit us for two years+ feels like it only went down to bring back more power.  So now the good times: the day of health, a day of happiness, the children laughing, the quietness of a house, or for me the brief moment of truly feeling God through worship or reading- are instantly dampened by the fact that no matter what there is a wave coming to hit.  My husband feels it, I feel it.

Seasons.  God knows we are having this season. God is in charge of this season.  God willed this season.  Why in the world would that make me think he loves me? Why would I cry out to him for a break and He would hit me with a wave??  I can't answer that with an  amazing biblical reference right now.  Well I could, but then I would feel bad bc I don't feel it in my heart.  I do know that knowing My God is in complete control of this mess makes me do nothing less than throw myself at his mercy.  I know He's keeping me afloat.  I know He's protecting me from so much more than I can imagine and not only that He's using this sinful broken body of mine for some purpose- I just don't see it.

I decided this this morning.  Being a christian is not for the weak minded/heart.  I am very tired of the health and wealth gospel because it in fact defiles the very purpose of Jesus dying on the cross.  That he would tragically give up his life so that we could FEEL comfortable about ourselves.  No, being a christian is about reading your bible even when you don't feel like it because you know with your every fiber it is t.r.u.t.h.  It's crying out to God one minute that you don't understand why, why, why and the next minute thanking him for feeling his love when all else and failed.  It's singing a praise song and feeling so moved by the holy spirit and the next minute get hit so hard with reality of your world around you that you feel physically unable go on.  It's getting hit with wave after wave after wave, sometimes for 14 years, and somehow someway His face shines while your under the water saying" I don't want to go back up for air" and he lifts you out and says "my grace is sufficient.  my rod and staff will comfort and guide you.  my strength will uphold all your weaknesses and you will go on"

so i guess that is what my blog is about today
I am blessed beyond measure by all the help we have received and unlimited prayer.  we do feel it, thank you
~laura