I am Not a Strong Black Woman

I know that the title of my post may not come as a surprise to you :) I can't stop thinking about this phrase lately so I decided I should revisit this whole blogging adventure and put some thoughts out there.  This is probably mostly a adoptive blog post but who knows maybe others can relate or understand as well.
I often thought to myself when Mya was younger that I really just wished I could be a strong black mom for her.  Truly I meant this to my core.  I heard an African mom in Target one day say in a beautiful accented strong tone to her daughter "if you choose to take to heart everything everyone says about you than you will become exactly what they think of you" (or something to that affect this was about 3 years ago).  Aww dang it, why don't I think of those things.  It was something about the dialect, the tone in her voice.  It wasn't condescending baby talk nor did it have any question.  The woman didn't add any extra positive words of affirmation or wait for a response.  She just stated it as fact and moved on with her shopping list.  Then I saw the move "The Help" of course you remember "you is kind. you is smart. you is important" YES those are very good direct things to say to a child first thing in the morning.  Most my mornings I start of by saying "seriously? it's not even 7 why are you up?"
Immediately since Mya's birth I started comparing to myself to how a black women sounded and talked to there children because I thought that is what she needed in her life. This continued when we adopted Payton and we were in Louisiana for 14 days.  There was easily accessible hair gel on every corner, a kind smile in every store, and lots of beautiful children running around for me to access how uptight and caucasion I truly felt.  Let me stop right here completely admit that I am totally stereotyping a group of people.  I'm pretty sure I'm not being racist, but maybe against white people so I'm sorry if you think that.  However, josh, my husband is white and well, he's an ok guy so I don't dislike ALL white people ;)  I digress.  I just started in the past couple of weeks realizing how I have held this over my head for almost 7 years now.
I want Mya to embrace her hair, her thick thick thick, curly hair. I feel I have failed if she doesn't.  So every time she tells me she wants it straight I wince a little and feel I've failed.  Then every morning I pull out my own straightener and continue to straighten my curly hair.  When she doesn't do what she needs to take care of her skin I feel exhausted from from reminding her so much and feel I've failed.  When she acts like every other girl, does what every one else does and follows a crowd I feel I've failed her.  Are you catching on to what sounds like every other mom you have heard talk about her daughter?? Ya, me too.
This is what has hit me.  I am a women who will never know what it is like to have a biological child.  I don't know what comes from the adoption realm and what comes from "kids being kids" realm.  For someone to say to me "oh that's just every child" makes me reel in anger inside.  Belittling the fact that we have a blended family whose children will always have some small part of their hearts missing. This should not be focused on nor ignored.  God can only fill that void, for both of us.  I will always have to fight the sinful thought of what if their birth families could have done it better, they will never NOT have other people out there who they have some sort of connection with.  No one wants to know they were given up and every day I am reminded by looking at my children that I was not the one to carry and bond with them for 9 months, talk to them, sing to them and prepare for them.  For some reason I feel like I am not loving them enough or teaching them enough or making them be who God wants them to be.... and that's were I stop.
God has created me.  God has created them.  God has created me, very purposefully to be their mom.
Why would God choose this white women to mother these two beautiful brown babies?  I do not know.  I do know Isaiah 55 says "my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither my ways like your ways, declares the LORD". THANKfully!!  This gives me comfort in knowing that in my complete lack of ignorance God has all the knowledge.  In my prejudice God has complete equality.  In my questioning and guilt God has truth and love.
Maybe just maybe I am learning how exactly RIGHT the fit is in this family instead of how misshapen it is.  I always knew my kids were great but I am learning how great they are as my children.  I am learning that my knowledge my life experience may be exactly what they need.  I'm learning that the job that God has given us to raise these children to learn who He is and to make sure the narrow path of truth is brought into their vision line is far more important than strong statements and perfectly braided hair.  God help me as I continually let this world blur my vision.
Laura