The title of this post is from a Natalie Grant song I was listening to this morning. When it got to this line I was reminded of the reason I started this blog. It's called my little life Gods' BIG plan....not meaning I think my life means nothing, but in the picture of life, in the thousands of years I'm not on this earth... God remains. I have had my eyes opened to how God can move in so many peoples lives through one circumstance. I think we forget that on a daily basis not a moment, breath, or activity goes by with out it being known by God.
The trials we face are real and they hurt. If we are taking Gods "narrow path" they are more frequent than those of a non-believer. This has been a time of realization. A time to recognize God steadfastness and sovereignty. In this season I have a reason to worship. God is still God. At any moment at any time in my life this NEVER has changed. He doesn't change his rules because people don't like them. He doesn't change truth because someone doesn't agree. His very word can beat out any arguement any "untruth" ever argued. It is never changing and will remain on this earth until Jesus comes (sorry I don't have the verse for this Im typing in a hurry). This is comforting to me....comforting to know that if I stop living in my own ideas I can see his plan. Comforting to know that I will make decisions and he will use them to glorify Him and our family of Christ.
We (josh and I)have been realizing as we cry out to God to show us our paths.... He is saying this.
"My children, make a decision and I will use it.
My children, desire to follow me and I will lead you.
My children, listen to my word and I will speak to you.
My children, you are forever mine. Nothing you do can seperate us. Even your mistakes to bring you closer to me. "
Yesterday in our sunday school I heard this verse. Jeremiah 32:40 " I will make with them an everlasting covenant, that I will not turn away from doing good to them. And I will put the fear of me in their hearts, that they may not turn from me."
So you see even when my heart feels weary and my head wants to give up, God will NOT break his covenant with me. This is what I love about his word... It is truth when I don't want to hear it and it is truth when I do want to hear it.
In every season, He Is Still GOD.
I don't really know how to sum this up today. Mostly because I have erased and back tracked so much already. My mind was swarming with these thought of Gods perfection and power since yesterday. His immediate answer to my painfully honest prayer was ashamedly shocking to me. When I have felt like so many prayers have been unanswered lately I have realized in many moments that they have, a thousand times they have!!!
I also just want to say in almost 6 years of being a mother *sniff sniff* yesterday was the first mothers day I didn't fight with my husband. I won't go into detail, but this mothers day was different and it wasn't because I was lavished with all the gifts and massages a girl could want, it was because first I prayed I would be graceful to my husband no matter what. Also that God would show me how to love him even though I could already feel the bitterness dwelling up inside me. In short not only did God answer that prayer by my husband reaching the depths of my heart by recognizing my sadness of many things going on yesterday but he answered my prayer of healing my husbands heart (that I have been praying for) and giving us this connection I have been craving. All this was answered by one repentance prayer! A prayer to step out of my usual snotty, bitter, assume the worst attitude. God answers a honest heart.
ok have an amzing inspiring day. See God in everything you do. See him in all that is, kinda like how now just at this moment on my Pandora radio on a station that has nothing to do with Micheal W Smith a Micheal w smith song came on... from our wedding. :)
laura
Monday, May 14, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
misplaced hope
Happy rainy Thursday :) Some days rain just fits the mood huh? I did a little extra work today so now as my time is nearing an end when Mr. P wakes up and its time to get sissy I think I should do a quick blog. A few things have hit me here in the past couple of days. I'm loving my new book/devotion "Brave". Helping me take a look at why I feel weary and to whom or to what I'm going to instead of God to fill me.
After Mya being sick this week and a pretty busy salon week we pulled into the garage after church last night and I just sat there. Like if I didn't move no one would notice and the kids would get out of the car and go put themselves to bed. Or like if I just waited there long enough I would have amazing renewed strength to open the car door and get them to bed. Or maybe there was a cleaning fairy in my house and if I waited long enough she could finish..... then I took that looong deeep breath and exhaled and said, "here we go, last round of the day". Well today, in this rain I just always fill a little more calm and thoughtful. What is wearing me out? Why do I feel exhausted? I know there will be plenty of people who can relate when I make these next statements. I don't feel I have the right to feel exhausted if Im not constantly busy. For example Im sitting here blogging, all my furniture is pilled up bc we had the carpets cleaned, the windows are dirty and there is some MAJOR dusting to be done. But Im just really trying to look at my life "above the sun" which means from Gods eyes. Eccl 1:3 says "what does man gain by all the toil at which he toils under the sun?" Meaning most things we do in our lives are causing exhaustion for pure gain of vanity. The other day I realized I FEEL I can't say I love being a mom because I don't feel I can handle more than two kids. NOT TRUE. I felt like if I am good at and love being a mom I should continue to want more and more kids. I don't know where I come up with these things seriously they just live in my brain. I felt like if I come and sit down at the end of the day when there is obviously much to be done in my house I must not be a very good wife/mom. NOT TRUE. I felt if I wasn't sending cards and gifts to our world vision girl in Africa then Im not a good sponsor and our money is doing her no good. NOT TRUE I feel like if im not crafting, printing and booking pictures, checking our finances, logging my business account, checking back packs, folding laundry, doing dishes, meal planning, decorating, or talking to a friend in need- Im not doing a good job at, well... life. You get the idea. Lie after LIE. Truth is I can't live up to my own expectations. Why can't I feel God's grace, why don't I ask for God's grace, why don't I trust Gods grace would be the best question. I trust him to save my soul but not to allow me to have peace.
One thing in my study today was a list of "misplaced hope" that we've trusted. I circled underline and starred CALM CIRCUMSTANCES. Why in God's green earth would I ever think my life was meant for calm circumstances. Yet that is my goal that is my misplaced hope. That one day I would wake up/have one on one time with God at 6, get the kids ready and have family breakfast at 7, workout at 8 after the kids are happily off to school and daycare, go through my day smoothly with nice planned out healthy meals and snacks, make supper just in time to see everyone coming home, then after work having some quality time with the fam, and just enough time to tidy up and go to be around 10. Um, no wonder I'm hopeless!! When life is calm that doesn't mean God is present. God is our strength when we are weak he is our feet when we are weary, more than that He says "we will soar on wings like eagles"! When we are too faint to open up the car door and move one more muscle or read one more bed time story, he gives us one huge breath and says, "lets go, I will carry you". I love my entire life or mostly the past 14 years have been God carrying me. Seriously. I love that right now, we may be stressed and life my be a little sucky (that's a real word even though my computer says its not) but I know its a season and I know God has a real live USE for this time in our lives. I love that Gods grace is so obviously present in my life as I daily try to grab the reigns. And mostly I love that He is so sure of my strength that he would give me exactly what he has given me to bare knowing full well that I will grow and that I will look to him to carry me, even if its every day. No, no calmness can compare to that. I mean how boring would that be?? :) Don't let anyone tell you Christians are boring, in fact Im pretty sure we could do a pretty amazing reality show :)
proud to not be superwoman,
laura
After Mya being sick this week and a pretty busy salon week we pulled into the garage after church last night and I just sat there. Like if I didn't move no one would notice and the kids would get out of the car and go put themselves to bed. Or like if I just waited there long enough I would have amazing renewed strength to open the car door and get them to bed. Or maybe there was a cleaning fairy in my house and if I waited long enough she could finish..... then I took that looong deeep breath and exhaled and said, "here we go, last round of the day". Well today, in this rain I just always fill a little more calm and thoughtful. What is wearing me out? Why do I feel exhausted? I know there will be plenty of people who can relate when I make these next statements. I don't feel I have the right to feel exhausted if Im not constantly busy. For example Im sitting here blogging, all my furniture is pilled up bc we had the carpets cleaned, the windows are dirty and there is some MAJOR dusting to be done. But Im just really trying to look at my life "above the sun" which means from Gods eyes. Eccl 1:3 says "what does man gain by all the toil at which he toils under the sun?" Meaning most things we do in our lives are causing exhaustion for pure gain of vanity. The other day I realized I FEEL I can't say I love being a mom because I don't feel I can handle more than two kids. NOT TRUE. I felt like if I am good at and love being a mom I should continue to want more and more kids. I don't know where I come up with these things seriously they just live in my brain. I felt like if I come and sit down at the end of the day when there is obviously much to be done in my house I must not be a very good wife/mom. NOT TRUE. I felt if I wasn't sending cards and gifts to our world vision girl in Africa then Im not a good sponsor and our money is doing her no good. NOT TRUE I feel like if im not crafting, printing and booking pictures, checking our finances, logging my business account, checking back packs, folding laundry, doing dishes, meal planning, decorating, or talking to a friend in need- Im not doing a good job at, well... life. You get the idea. Lie after LIE. Truth is I can't live up to my own expectations. Why can't I feel God's grace, why don't I ask for God's grace, why don't I trust Gods grace would be the best question. I trust him to save my soul but not to allow me to have peace.
One thing in my study today was a list of "misplaced hope" that we've trusted. I circled underline and starred CALM CIRCUMSTANCES. Why in God's green earth would I ever think my life was meant for calm circumstances. Yet that is my goal that is my misplaced hope. That one day I would wake up/have one on one time with God at 6, get the kids ready and have family breakfast at 7, workout at 8 after the kids are happily off to school and daycare, go through my day smoothly with nice planned out healthy meals and snacks, make supper just in time to see everyone coming home, then after work having some quality time with the fam, and just enough time to tidy up and go to be around 10. Um, no wonder I'm hopeless!! When life is calm that doesn't mean God is present. God is our strength when we are weak he is our feet when we are weary, more than that He says "we will soar on wings like eagles"! When we are too faint to open up the car door and move one more muscle or read one more bed time story, he gives us one huge breath and says, "lets go, I will carry you". I love my entire life or mostly the past 14 years have been God carrying me. Seriously. I love that right now, we may be stressed and life my be a little sucky (that's a real word even though my computer says its not) but I know its a season and I know God has a real live USE for this time in our lives. I love that Gods grace is so obviously present in my life as I daily try to grab the reigns. And mostly I love that He is so sure of my strength that he would give me exactly what he has given me to bare knowing full well that I will grow and that I will look to him to carry me, even if its every day. No, no calmness can compare to that. I mean how boring would that be?? :) Don't let anyone tell you Christians are boring, in fact Im pretty sure we could do a pretty amazing reality show :)
proud to not be superwoman,
laura
Monday, April 16, 2012
Getting off the hamster wheel
Ok Monday, here we go. You know the hamster wheel you live on most times? Getting through one thing to get through the next and then getting through that to then start right back over on the first thing?? Well, I'm a little sick of it. I just got home from an amazing weekend with friends and teachings from Beth Moore in KC. Also a little nice weather and good food helped a little too :) I won't add shopping to that list because that was pretty much a bust but that's another story. So as I was sitting in the conference I was fully aware of my past "religious wheel". It started when I was young: go to church camp, sing amazing songs, be around people who where mostly (at that time) in the same belief as you, here from the word of God, and have time away from regular temptations and society. Then come home, get hit by reality, be tempted, and forgetting to apply all I just learned- BOOM!! back to trudging through life and giving into my fleshy desires just like before the camp. There was no depth, I wasn't recognizing my need for Christ, I was looking for this "emotional high" to last a lifetime. My hear, my faith was not maturing. Now, to this day it can in some form be repeated with weekends away at womens events, bible studies that end, church retreats...or even just an amazing Sunday- there is always a Monday to follow these things. Poor Monday, it has such a bad wrap, God probably meant it as a day to start over and use your regained strength from Sunday!! So back to the awareness I was recognizing. Now that I am a born again Christian, I do recognize my need for Jesus not my own merit and I am maturing in faith- I'm ready to get beyond some of these things that are keeping me from being an amazing witness for Christ. Someone who lives her battles and is not bogged down by them. Someone whose mind reflects the peace of God's plan and sovereignty in her life is apparent. I'm ready to fill my mind with what God wants me to fill it with and not fill it with Pinterest and Facebook agendas and "to-do" lists.
One thing I was glad to hear from Beth is that she too has addictive mind. That's not just physical in fact is mostly mental in my opinion. She stated her mind is her worst enemies sometimes and she needs to fill it with the word of God to counter-act the negative thoughts. God bless the women that can sit on Pinterest other decorating, cooking, and event planning websites and not feel guilt- I am not one of those women. God bless the women that can go on Facebook and look at other peoples professional pics of their kids every 6 months of there life and not think "hmm its been 2 years since we've taken a picture together" or read about amazing birthday parties, fun filled weekends and husbands who surprise them with weekends away to Bermuda. (OK I totally made all that up so if you just did those things I sorry, I'm not saying they are bad I'm just showing my train of thought here). So ANYWAY, jeepers I'm all over the place today..... She chooses not to be on Facebook. I choose not to update and check my Facebook much because it eats up too much time and I feel I need to prove points and make comments or no one will love me, yep I'm crazy. Ok so the point iiiissss!!!! we recognize these things and then NEVER do anything about them. I AM SICK OF THE WHEEL!! So I'm diving into scripture, which usually scares me. Where do I start? how much should I read? do I have to memorize everything? Doesn't matter. I'm just going to read. I'm going to read and journal, with my new journal that matches my bible of course :) Turns out I don't really suck that bad I actually to write things down I have the notebooks to prove it. But usually I'm not good at memorizing and applying.
God bless YOU if you've made it this far in my blog, I have major AADD today with all these things, I may have to do this again right away tomorrow.
To sum up, I'm sick of the church camp fever. I want a forever fever that makes me contagious to all that surround me!!! So here's is my heart:
things I am in affliction over, these are things that were explained to have a more permanent place in your life, things you daily deal with. 1. food- I admittedly am not ready to give this to Christ because I believe my mind is not strong enough with his word to do so, last week I tried detoxing from all the horrible food I've been eating and it lasted 6 hours, go me (insert sarcasm here) 2. addiction to affirmation, no this is not just my love language, it is something that daily bogs me down. It is how I live and breath and the reason I do everything I do. It is how I make decisions and I feel the only way I can have people who love me.
things I am letting go, perfection, untrue thoughts (that will be obtained by true promises given to me by God through his word) these are BIG things because that engulf most of my life:kids, marriage, home, business. Cutting things out of my life that do me NO GOOD, give me NO ENERGY and waste my productive time (not just me time because sometimes we need time wasters to wind down)
Aren't you sick of the wheel? Maybe not. But I just want to learn and MOVE ON already. Like, ok give me the NEXT thing God.
Ok here I go trying to post some pics of my long awaited new ESV bible(this was NOT an impulse buy for once), my journal and my book.. because when you can't find clothes ( or they don't fit you as expected) or shoes, yep that's right I couldn't even find shoes: you can always have an calming time at the christian book store and find encouraging things. This was the ONLY bible like this and I have been looking for a long time!! then I found an (on sale!) journal to go with it. Even my husband thinks my bible is cool, he's just jealous :) LOVE YOU ALL!! and love this stinkin' blog. I just love it seriously wish I could do it all day....kinda like right now :)
In Christ Alone
laura
So I did purchase a few AMAZING exciting things this weekend. I'm even going to try to post a picture because this blog is kinda boring since I don't really know what to do with it besides type :) One of them is a book called "Brave" honest questions women ask, by Angela Thomas (actually its a study). I opened it up and the first thing it quoted was Proverbs 30:1 "The man declares. I am weary, O God, and worn out." ..... I ran to the check out to purchase it.
One thing I was glad to hear from Beth is that she too has addictive mind. That's not just physical in fact is mostly mental in my opinion. She stated her mind is her worst enemies sometimes and she needs to fill it with the word of God to counter-act the negative thoughts. God bless the women that can sit on Pinterest other decorating, cooking, and event planning websites and not feel guilt- I am not one of those women. God bless the women that can go on Facebook and look at other peoples professional pics of their kids every 6 months of there life and not think "hmm its been 2 years since we've taken a picture together" or read about amazing birthday parties, fun filled weekends and husbands who surprise them with weekends away to Bermuda. (OK I totally made all that up so if you just did those things I sorry, I'm not saying they are bad I'm just showing my train of thought here). So ANYWAY, jeepers I'm all over the place today..... She chooses not to be on Facebook. I choose not to update and check my Facebook much because it eats up too much time and I feel I need to prove points and make comments or no one will love me, yep I'm crazy. Ok so the point iiiissss!!!! we recognize these things and then NEVER do anything about them. I AM SICK OF THE WHEEL!! So I'm diving into scripture, which usually scares me. Where do I start? how much should I read? do I have to memorize everything? Doesn't matter. I'm just going to read. I'm going to read and journal, with my new journal that matches my bible of course :) Turns out I don't really suck that bad I actually to write things down I have the notebooks to prove it. But usually I'm not good at memorizing and applying. God bless YOU if you've made it this far in my blog, I have major AADD today with all these things, I may have to do this again right away tomorrow.
To sum up, I'm sick of the church camp fever. I want a forever fever that makes me contagious to all that surround me!!! So here's is my heart:
things I am in affliction over, these are things that were explained to have a more permanent place in your life, things you daily deal with. 1. food- I admittedly am not ready to give this to Christ because I believe my mind is not strong enough with his word to do so, last week I tried detoxing from all the horrible food I've been eating and it lasted 6 hours, go me (insert sarcasm here) 2. addiction to affirmation, no this is not just my love language, it is something that daily bogs me down. It is how I live and breath and the reason I do everything I do. It is how I make decisions and I feel the only way I can have people who love me.
things I am letting go, perfection, untrue thoughts (that will be obtained by true promises given to me by God through his word) these are BIG things because that engulf most of my life:kids, marriage, home, business. Cutting things out of my life that do me NO GOOD, give me NO ENERGY and waste my productive time (not just me time because sometimes we need time wasters to wind down)
Aren't you sick of the wheel? Maybe not. But I just want to learn and MOVE ON already. Like, ok give me the NEXT thing God.
Ok here I go trying to post some pics of my long awaited new ESV bible(this was NOT an impulse buy for once), my journal and my book.. because when you can't find clothes ( or they don't fit you as expected) or shoes, yep that's right I couldn't even find shoes: you can always have an calming time at the christian book store and find encouraging things. This was the ONLY bible like this and I have been looking for a long time!! then I found an (on sale!) journal to go with it. Even my husband thinks my bible is cool, he's just jealous :) LOVE YOU ALL!! and love this stinkin' blog. I just love it seriously wish I could do it all day....kinda like right now :)
In Christ Alone
laura
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
silly little blog, silly woman thoughts
this is possibly the stupidist(not a word i know) thing i have blogged about to date, but its tough for me so maybe its tough for someone else to....
well im feeling just a little attacked in the area of body image and looks these past couple days. so im sick of dwelling so im blogging. i've been googling swimwear for 45 min and once again coming up empty handed. with my post cancer body i have to have a very specific swimsuit. and as i browse here are some memories i have
boating with friends and feeling excited i found a suit that was a somewhat of a swimdress and my friends sister says "oh I had that exact swimsuit when I was pregnant"
going to a hotel recently and a women in her 60's with the exact style of swimsuit on as me.
going to the pool with my friends and feeling like the frumpiest mom
i like my suits to have style and personality and i end up with a cookie cutter lands end suit. nothing wrong with them i just feel old. so i've been googling retro suits like i want and they all are cut down to the belly button, out of my size, or a little to bootylicious.
so im feeling overwhelmed and defeated. look im so exhausted i cant even capitalize my sentences, jeepers. you know, there is just always someone prettier, always someone skinnier always someone craftier and someone calmer. I see women all week long, im supposed to be making them prettier and have more self confidence and sometimes in return i am drained of all mine. I'm surrounded by pretty people :) and i love them. i am just a little bummed, it happens EVERY year this time. it gets nice out and everyone is carefree headed to the pool and beach and i dread it, its a lot of work for me. i have to have extra illeostomy bags everywhere i go, i have to be contious if my bag is showing, i have to make sure i can keep up with the kids and still be in one piece myself.
ok done. done venting. i think i just needed to pry myself off google. off to work now... feeling better already mostly do to pandora and jimmy needham/dara maclean :)
happy swimsuit shopping
laura
well im feeling just a little attacked in the area of body image and looks these past couple days. so im sick of dwelling so im blogging. i've been googling swimwear for 45 min and once again coming up empty handed. with my post cancer body i have to have a very specific swimsuit. and as i browse here are some memories i have
boating with friends and feeling excited i found a suit that was a somewhat of a swimdress and my friends sister says "oh I had that exact swimsuit when I was pregnant"
going to a hotel recently and a women in her 60's with the exact style of swimsuit on as me.
going to the pool with my friends and feeling like the frumpiest mom
i like my suits to have style and personality and i end up with a cookie cutter lands end suit. nothing wrong with them i just feel old. so i've been googling retro suits like i want and they all are cut down to the belly button, out of my size, or a little to bootylicious.
so im feeling overwhelmed and defeated. look im so exhausted i cant even capitalize my sentences, jeepers. you know, there is just always someone prettier, always someone skinnier always someone craftier and someone calmer. I see women all week long, im supposed to be making them prettier and have more self confidence and sometimes in return i am drained of all mine. I'm surrounded by pretty people :) and i love them. i am just a little bummed, it happens EVERY year this time. it gets nice out and everyone is carefree headed to the pool and beach and i dread it, its a lot of work for me. i have to have extra illeostomy bags everywhere i go, i have to be contious if my bag is showing, i have to make sure i can keep up with the kids and still be in one piece myself.
ok done. done venting. i think i just needed to pry myself off google. off to work now... feeling better already mostly do to pandora and jimmy needham/dara maclean :)
happy swimsuit shopping
laura
Monday, March 26, 2012
house of volcanoes
Well, it's obvious to my little self that I need to blog before heading to the gym today. I am a little amped to get going today bc its the first day in a week + that everyone is ALMOST feeling better including myself. Last time I tried working out I got 3 more days of sick, so I'll try again.
The Hejl household has had many many God moments this weekend. hmmm where do we begin.... How about with yesterday. A Sunday in which God choose to reveal himself to Josh and I in ways so loving and encouraging yet so personal and direct to each one of our hearts. First a sunday school of recognizing God's most amazing attention to detail in creation. His amazing art. His bigness and our smallness and how comforting that is. The fact that He would create the universe and mountains and then create ants and fireflies. That he would give our bodies the ability to fight off disease and to take each breath and to create life- yet he would think to create fingernails and eyelashes. Why would we worry why do we despair when he has so much power and so much knowledge. Well I'll tell you, bc we want to try to figure everything out ourselves. Now onto an amazing church service, worship that spoke right to our souls and a message about praying and reaching out to people with the gospel and Gods' sacrifice. Onto lunch, running into people we normally don't get to see or connect with. Finding out in our worry and our despair God would put friends so kind so moved by the spirit in that moment to but our whole table lunch. They tried to be anonymous but that's so silly because we are just so smart :) They didn't do it because they are wealthy, they didn't do it to boast. It's like we could feel the hand of God laid on there heart to be used to lift our hearts in His love. whoa sorry if that sounded deep but seriously it meant so much. We also got to be in a room with a family from our church. They put us right by each other with no other people from the whole other restaurant! We didn't ask to be by them we just "happened" to be there at the same time and that's what was open. It wasn't until the end of our meal when we all where moving around more we got to start chatting and hearing there story of a grown adopted child and many grandchildren and just the love for Christ they had the life experiences they have had. Their road of struggle didn't end, that would mean they were dead! But they held onto God and God clearly held onto them even tighter and you could see the joy in there eyes. Not to mention I got to hold this little baby that looks just like the male version of Mya in her pudgy little baby form :)
Now onto more personal stuff.... lets back up to the huge marital spat sat night before all this revealing. This time of stress in our lives has been just a little too long... in our eyes, not in Gods. Because you see as you grow in Christ the battles get a little more intense the refiners fire gets a little more heated. And there used to be a day and age in our younger walk with Him that we could shrug it off and move on- lesson averted. Now, Gods like "No. stay here, keep your eyes on me, hold my hand- but stay here. Look at me child, trust me child. Do you see this battle you are trying to fight on your own? Do you see this hill you are trying to climb on your own? Can you let that go and just trust me?" *breathe* My anger towards the situation came out in tormenting the closest one to me, my husband. Denying him of any happiness from me denying him of my need for him bc I just wanted to be done and do it on my own. Blaming him for things that clearing he is also in battle with. So in our house of volcanoes and drama that comes out in confrontation. What can I say, we are a house of passion. Right down to our kiddos. We're loud, we fight, but then we hug and we say I love you and our hearts rip out when one of us is hurting. Well in this time we were all hurting. Mostly Josh and I. And yesterday God spoke to Josh on what he wants him to work on and how he can't just change an external factor and that will go away, and I will continue to pray for him. As for me, repentance first and foremost for acting like a child selfishly throwing a tantrum and pouting hoping I would get my way. Amazing how God disciplines and loves in the most perfect way, a lesson I hope to achieve sometime in the next 18 years :0)
I think people are waiting to hear, "Josh got 5 huge houses to build! We will be set now. I am not stressed at my job and we are all perfectly healthy!" yes that would be neat-o. But not nearly as life changing,moving and representing of God's almighty hand in our lives. His all knowing wisdom of our lives before we even took our first breath. His attention to detail and creating our personalities, not making any mistakes. He put our family together piece by piece for an exact purpose. We are in this to see his glory revealed and that my friends brings. me. joy.
May you recognize how big God is today...
Isaiah 55:9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts" is God saying he's better than us?!?! YEEESS!! I would surely hope the hope that you are being taught and filled with the knowledge that Jesus is the ONLY way truth and life to God. His ways ARE higher than ours and thank GOD because can you imaging if our ways were the way to salvation?? have you looked at this earth?? plus I can't create a human from nothing... can you???
laura
The Hejl household has had many many God moments this weekend. hmmm where do we begin.... How about with yesterday. A Sunday in which God choose to reveal himself to Josh and I in ways so loving and encouraging yet so personal and direct to each one of our hearts. First a sunday school of recognizing God's most amazing attention to detail in creation. His amazing art. His bigness and our smallness and how comforting that is. The fact that He would create the universe and mountains and then create ants and fireflies. That he would give our bodies the ability to fight off disease and to take each breath and to create life- yet he would think to create fingernails and eyelashes. Why would we worry why do we despair when he has so much power and so much knowledge. Well I'll tell you, bc we want to try to figure everything out ourselves. Now onto an amazing church service, worship that spoke right to our souls and a message about praying and reaching out to people with the gospel and Gods' sacrifice. Onto lunch, running into people we normally don't get to see or connect with. Finding out in our worry and our despair God would put friends so kind so moved by the spirit in that moment to but our whole table lunch. They tried to be anonymous but that's so silly because we are just so smart :) They didn't do it because they are wealthy, they didn't do it to boast. It's like we could feel the hand of God laid on there heart to be used to lift our hearts in His love. whoa sorry if that sounded deep but seriously it meant so much. We also got to be in a room with a family from our church. They put us right by each other with no other people from the whole other restaurant! We didn't ask to be by them we just "happened" to be there at the same time and that's what was open. It wasn't until the end of our meal when we all where moving around more we got to start chatting and hearing there story of a grown adopted child and many grandchildren and just the love for Christ they had the life experiences they have had. Their road of struggle didn't end, that would mean they were dead! But they held onto God and God clearly held onto them even tighter and you could see the joy in there eyes. Not to mention I got to hold this little baby that looks just like the male version of Mya in her pudgy little baby form :)
Now onto more personal stuff.... lets back up to the huge marital spat sat night before all this revealing. This time of stress in our lives has been just a little too long... in our eyes, not in Gods. Because you see as you grow in Christ the battles get a little more intense the refiners fire gets a little more heated. And there used to be a day and age in our younger walk with Him that we could shrug it off and move on- lesson averted. Now, Gods like "No. stay here, keep your eyes on me, hold my hand- but stay here. Look at me child, trust me child. Do you see this battle you are trying to fight on your own? Do you see this hill you are trying to climb on your own? Can you let that go and just trust me?" *breathe* My anger towards the situation came out in tormenting the closest one to me, my husband. Denying him of any happiness from me denying him of my need for him bc I just wanted to be done and do it on my own. Blaming him for things that clearing he is also in battle with. So in our house of volcanoes and drama that comes out in confrontation. What can I say, we are a house of passion. Right down to our kiddos. We're loud, we fight, but then we hug and we say I love you and our hearts rip out when one of us is hurting. Well in this time we were all hurting. Mostly Josh and I. And yesterday God spoke to Josh on what he wants him to work on and how he can't just change an external factor and that will go away, and I will continue to pray for him. As for me, repentance first and foremost for acting like a child selfishly throwing a tantrum and pouting hoping I would get my way. Amazing how God disciplines and loves in the most perfect way, a lesson I hope to achieve sometime in the next 18 years :0)
I think people are waiting to hear, "Josh got 5 huge houses to build! We will be set now. I am not stressed at my job and we are all perfectly healthy!" yes that would be neat-o. But not nearly as life changing,moving and representing of God's almighty hand in our lives. His all knowing wisdom of our lives before we even took our first breath. His attention to detail and creating our personalities, not making any mistakes. He put our family together piece by piece for an exact purpose. We are in this to see his glory revealed and that my friends brings. me. joy.
May you recognize how big God is today...
Isaiah 55:9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts" is God saying he's better than us?!?! YEEESS!! I would surely hope the hope that you are being taught and filled with the knowledge that Jesus is the ONLY way truth and life to God. His ways ARE higher than ours and thank GOD because can you imaging if our ways were the way to salvation?? have you looked at this earth?? plus I can't create a human from nothing... can you???
laura
Friday, March 16, 2012
tiny little post
I feel a little silly even writing this because it has been so long since I posted. I don't really know who reads this but that shouldn't matter because Im SUPPOSED to be writing this for me :) well so goes life. Life has been a little rough and I hate coming on here or talking to people and either whining about it or sounding fake. Satan has found my weakness and is picking at every single one. When there is stress in our house (ie. no work for my husband, more stress with home businesses...) the first thing hit is our marriage, second is my eating and emotional vulnerability and third is my worth. I notice myself eating more, on the internet more and praying/ reading Gods word less. This time I do feel I've kept up on being in the word but am struggling with one thing. Listening. I don't know how to listen to God. I don't take the time and when I do there are to many "laura thoughts" intercepting the call. I really have been focusing on the Holy Spirit and taking hold of the fact that when we become christians we have the power of the HS. I would just like to claim that heavenly control. Daily Im tempted and frustrated to be defeated worried anxious and have self pity. I want to be that women who wakes up with the joy of salvation on her mind and heart. the woman that no matter the state of her husbands mind has contentment in the Lord. I know I can't but I know God can. Why wont He? I don't know.... I will keep on trying to find out.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Bare Nekked Nails
Yep I said nekked. Because this is my blog and I think it just sounds funner than naked. Yep I said funner.......
So I did my most favorite thing yesterday. I took off my old chipping nail polish and cut all my nails short. Sounds crazy huh?! Most people would expect me to be gushing about a new manicure, which I do love don't get me wrong. There is just something about being free of that drama on my hands.... "oops, chipped a nail! Oh shoot my polish is coming off after only 3 days!" I am hard on my hands and sometimes my nails just need a fresh start. They need to feel free.
I had another favorite thing happen to me last night. I had a spiritual awaking via my husband and a huge awareness of what has been bogging me down this last few months or so. I will spare the details on how we got to the heart of the matter but he just asked me what was wrong and if we should talk. After talking through some randoms he told me something he had heard and how it was so freeing to him because it was about how sovereign God is and no matter how we think we are controlling things he is there picking up the pieces and fixing what we think we are so knowingly maneuvering. And I was inspired by that but it also just welled up this huge sadness in me because everything I have been doing, reading, listening to me all seems like it has been guilt and burdening. How is it he just gets to listen to something and get the result I have been actively seeking?!?! Turns out I was harboring this feeling this burden I have had my whole life. Although I realize I deal with the sin of Acceptance and Expectations it's like in the last 5 1/2(since kids) or so years I have let it take ahold of me again. I just cried out that I don't know what is real anymore because I just do what I "think" I am supposed. I read books to know how to talk to my kids, I listen to studies to learn how to have a good marriage and be a biblical wife/mother. I try to keep up everything everyone is doing and it's like I ran out of things to do and things to read and I didn't know what to do next!! Why wouldn't anyone tell me what's next on the list?!?! woo...breathe.....Josh said that two things came to his mind. (thank you God for being alive and present in my man) He said "Laura you are picking up your heavy cross of Acceptance and Expectations everyday you wake up. You are carrying these burdens that your savior already died for." I can't not cry even now thinking about how eye-opening this was for me to realize. He went on, " You are being an amazing wife and mom, growing in what God teaches you. You have to trust. You have to trust that he made you exactly how he wants you to be. If you feel more comfortable washing the floor than playing with Payton some days, then wash the floor. Trust that our children's lives are in our sovereign God's hands". I don't think I can truly express how freeing that was to me. I really want to fit into a mold. I was trying to fit into some worldly mold that I was creating in my mind to be a biblical mold of what moms do there is no freedom in that.
I have lived my life trying to make others happy, for my own acceptance. I have tried to live up to every ones expectations, expectations not that they might have for me but any expectation I have ever heard about.
Mathew 11:30 "For my yolk is easy, and my burden is light"
Jesus carried these burdens to the cross for me. Jesus's burden is the lightest easiest yolk to put on, yet I choose to pick up my own: heavy and burdensome. I not only need to be in prayer about these burden continually but I recognize that I may never on this earth conquer them. That doesn't depress me, that gives me awareness. I think awareness is half the battle. I have never felt so free as I do today. Like Jesus has just knocked down brick wall around my heart. Like He just took the heaviest backpack off my shoulders. I want to stop re-crucifying my God day after day and accept what he did for me so I can move through life..... and feel free.
ps. this is very appropriate for Valentines day as my husband has given me the most amazing gift of his time to talk and be honest with me. In the most loving and encouraging way he has rebuilt my broken spirit. He didn't just tell me I "chin up your doing great!" He understood that each person struggles with different things in different ways and what one person may be able to overcome one person may struggle with and need repentance from. May God put someone like this in each one of your lives.
pps. wow that verse is a good one huh?? that have to be my next verse tatoo ;) Jk family members who just rolled there eyes... or am I....?!?!
Laura
So I did my most favorite thing yesterday. I took off my old chipping nail polish and cut all my nails short. Sounds crazy huh?! Most people would expect me to be gushing about a new manicure, which I do love don't get me wrong. There is just something about being free of that drama on my hands.... "oops, chipped a nail! Oh shoot my polish is coming off after only 3 days!" I am hard on my hands and sometimes my nails just need a fresh start. They need to feel free.
I had another favorite thing happen to me last night. I had a spiritual awaking via my husband and a huge awareness of what has been bogging me down this last few months or so. I will spare the details on how we got to the heart of the matter but he just asked me what was wrong and if we should talk. After talking through some randoms he told me something he had heard and how it was so freeing to him because it was about how sovereign God is and no matter how we think we are controlling things he is there picking up the pieces and fixing what we think we are so knowingly maneuvering. And I was inspired by that but it also just welled up this huge sadness in me because everything I have been doing, reading, listening to me all seems like it has been guilt and burdening. How is it he just gets to listen to something and get the result I have been actively seeking?!?! Turns out I was harboring this feeling this burden I have had my whole life. Although I realize I deal with the sin of Acceptance and Expectations it's like in the last 5 1/2(since kids) or so years I have let it take ahold of me again. I just cried out that I don't know what is real anymore because I just do what I "think" I am supposed. I read books to know how to talk to my kids, I listen to studies to learn how to have a good marriage and be a biblical wife/mother. I try to keep up everything everyone is doing and it's like I ran out of things to do and things to read and I didn't know what to do next!! Why wouldn't anyone tell me what's next on the list?!?! woo...breathe.....Josh said that two things came to his mind. (thank you God for being alive and present in my man) He said "Laura you are picking up your heavy cross of Acceptance and Expectations everyday you wake up. You are carrying these burdens that your savior already died for." I can't not cry even now thinking about how eye-opening this was for me to realize. He went on, " You are being an amazing wife and mom, growing in what God teaches you. You have to trust. You have to trust that he made you exactly how he wants you to be. If you feel more comfortable washing the floor than playing with Payton some days, then wash the floor. Trust that our children's lives are in our sovereign God's hands". I don't think I can truly express how freeing that was to me. I really want to fit into a mold. I was trying to fit into some worldly mold that I was creating in my mind to be a biblical mold of what moms do there is no freedom in that.
I have lived my life trying to make others happy, for my own acceptance. I have tried to live up to every ones expectations, expectations not that they might have for me but any expectation I have ever heard about.
Mathew 11:30 "For my yolk is easy, and my burden is light"
Jesus carried these burdens to the cross for me. Jesus's burden is the lightest easiest yolk to put on, yet I choose to pick up my own: heavy and burdensome. I not only need to be in prayer about these burden continually but I recognize that I may never on this earth conquer them. That doesn't depress me, that gives me awareness. I think awareness is half the battle. I have never felt so free as I do today. Like Jesus has just knocked down brick wall around my heart. Like He just took the heaviest backpack off my shoulders. I want to stop re-crucifying my God day after day and accept what he did for me so I can move through life..... and feel free.
ps. this is very appropriate for Valentines day as my husband has given me the most amazing gift of his time to talk and be honest with me. In the most loving and encouraging way he has rebuilt my broken spirit. He didn't just tell me I "chin up your doing great!" He understood that each person struggles with different things in different ways and what one person may be able to overcome one person may struggle with and need repentance from. May God put someone like this in each one of your lives.
pps. wow that verse is a good one huh?? that have to be my next verse tatoo ;) Jk family members who just rolled there eyes... or am I....?!?!
Laura
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
