Hello my friends! Is it ok that I am such a random blogger?? Well I guess there are no "rules" huh? Well none the less this week has been less than blog worthy. It may have sounded like this, "waa, waa, why me, waa, waa, still why me???"
So I'm slightly less biased and bitter today so I will fill you in and get a little perspective for myself. Also I should warn you there is a "soap-box" at the end of this blog today but it will hopefully be inspiring instead of annoying or mean.
Well Sunday night I got sick again with what seemed to be the flu. Now, for a normal person no biggie but this is my 4th time having to go get IV fluids in the past, well under 6 months. That is not cool in my book or my checkbook. So I felt it coming on and thought I would be pro-active about it. At 1:30 am when Payton came into our room bc he once again woke up crying and I couldn't hardly lift him up to bed I went over to my poor delirious husband and told him I was off to the ER to get fluids, and well let's be honest we both had busy work days on Monday. When I returned home at 5:45 am and slept a 1/2 hour only to get up and try to get kids ready, husband already gone by 7. Let's just say the pain meds kept me pretty "on it", I was thinking I felt pretty good. Well I took more to get through my work day but continued to have "flu like" symptoms all day.
I will spare you the day by day, mostly because I feel writing down everything I have felt this horrible week is only for justification in what I already know I feel: anger, resentment, fear, discouragement.
I will tell you that I also found out on tues of this week via a laser allergy testing that I have sensitivity to yeast, all nuts, and egg yolks. Not so harsh until I looked it up online. So I did what every respectable well put together women would do- I melted down to my husband about my horrible stupid body and the fact that it seems every day every week we don't know what's going to hit us over the head. The feeling of pity was beyond overwhelming this time. Waking up every day and barely making to the bathroom with out sitting down with exhaustion and then knowing what was ahead of me for the day was just exactly that, overwhelming. My body literaly living on "E" (or empty if that didn't make sense in your head like it did mine).
Finally, yesterday I wasn't getting any better eating only brocolli and quinoa all day (because that's all I had in my fridge that fit the "rules" of this newly found sensitivity, and no one has time (or I don't have energy to leave the house) to go grocery shopping. I realized the test said "sensitive" not "allergic". Now I have noticed peanuts or peanut butter and lately almonds rip what I have of intestine up. But, as for egg yolks? never noticed. The yeast thing I can see, mostly bc of how I feel after eating carbs and sugar with either have yeast or produce it(also milk but not so much cheese). So for the fact that NOTHING was staying in my body and eating a bare minimum wasn't cutting it ate some raisin bran minus most the raisins (so I could get some bran stuck in my system- this is what you have to do with an ileostomy) and some yeast free 3 ingredient chip with a little organic cheese shredded on it. Went fine. Last night I even took Mya to dance and managed to "fake" my way of feeling well in public. I tend to overdue it in public when Im sick, because I'm fake like that. If I sit around and sulk or don't talk everyone just thinks Im being a, well B* or Im mad at them. Now today I have had some eggs (full egg) and bacon. went fine. Some seaseme rice crackers with sunflower butter, then some chicken with cheese and those chips again. Again, not ideal but this is my current fridge. Anyway, overreaction I think may be how I would describe this week. A smart normal calm Laura, the wise women God talks about in the bible would have done this (and had much less to blog about ( : ) Gotten sick, taken the WHOLE week of work and trusted God would provide financially. Put word out to friends and grandmas that I needed help with the kids dud to Josh's schedule and my sickness. Then eat smart and rest. ok, you can go ahead and hold me accountable to that next time :)
Now, here's the thing. I couldn't help but think this week. Two things. Why do I have to hate everything healthy (well mostly). I get so excited about eating vegetables and in a group of people I will most likely act happy to talk about them and pretend to love them! "oh you make lasagna out of squash, eggplant, spinach and zucchini ?? Yumm, I'll have to try that!" liar, I really don't want to I want to make lasagna with meat, 3 different cheeses and sauce. "oh, you just eat some meat and quick roast some veggies for supper?? That is such a good idea!!" nope lie again. I am a casserole girl, always have been. When you see me eating hummus and carrots just know I'd rather be eating chips dipped in cheese sauce. I just blew my cover, sigh*. Second thing is this, why do we have to be so bad to our bodies? I will say this, I enjoy trying to feed my family organically. What we can afford at least. But other than that I sway to the side of unhealthy, its habitual im sure. But now, I see people smoke or eating fast food and I want or getting nothing but pop and processed food at the grocery store and I want to tackle them and scream "what are you doing?!?!?!" do you want to see my stomach? (ok that would be soo weird and SUCH a good social experiment) do you want to see the scares of all my surgeries and let me tell you about the repercussions of radiation and chemotherapy!!" Am I saying we can stop cancer? to a point of giving ourselves knowledge I say "yes". I believe God foresaw my entire life and this is my path but that does not mean he couldn't have done amazing things had I had a different path. Anyway, this is not judgmental as I have said this would BE me if had not done research attended meetings and been given the knowledge I was given about real food, im just saying for you and your childrens sake: look at the ingredients of your food, think about being sick on your sickest of days and imagine living with that for the rest of your life. whew, that's kinda a big deal to say. I already feel bad about saying it but hopefully you read it with love. I honestly don't wish caner or the repercussions of it on my worst enemy.
Well, this is it for me know. If you would please continue to pray for me. I don't know if I have the longest flu bug ever, or if what my worst case scenario is coming true: that something is wrong with my already barely existent intestine. hopefully I talk to you soon and have amazing news. Please know this. God is more than good, people are helping with my kids, bringing us food and when I paid bills this morning magically I think we will be able to handle them, no, not magically- God's provision through our letting go has been truly amazing.
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