I can't hear anything.....

Well good morning :)  I feel like before I go on with my day I need to sit down and write my mind on paper.  Or "type" my mind on a "computer" whatever let's not get technical here.  As my children are gone this weekend as of last night and we are coming off of what seemed to be another week from hell, for bluntness, I have a lot to ponder.  I must admit to you that I have several drafts on this blog not published bc they are just to personal to share or I haven't had time to finish them. The thing that is in my mind this morning is "how to obtain this peace that I feel, or at least to some extent, on a morning that my kids ARE here and my husband isn't gone yet to work?"  Yes, I am less stressed this morning bc my husband is not here but don't jump to any conclusions.  You know when you are married you feel as though you have two lives of burdens to heap on your shoulders?  Right now I feel as though we both have exhausted ourselves of burdens and for me to even think or be present around his is too much to handle.  Now keep in mind this is NOT what God calls us to in a marriage.  NO ONE can take on burdens but our Lord.  HIS yolk is light and that is what he calls us to carry.  But I digress.....I don't have this one figured out so that's another day.
I got the flu of some sort this week, which for me means IV fluids at some point.  I was doing good and even making myself work, drank a lot of water (coconut water even) and got lots of sleep.  But lo and behold Thursday my body (through my ileostomy, sorry if TMI) lost all nutrition and hydration, as it does when I have any sort of sickness, through the night.  I woke up and dizzy-ly/shaky-ly made lunches got kids ready and yes drove (what else could I do?) them to school/daycare.  Where was my husband you ask? Well that's where our burdens overlap.  He had to go to work early bc every job is overlapping each other and he has to fix things that got ordered  wrong or went wrong from the day before, and if he doesn't it overlaps even more... more hours less pay, fun of owning a business.  OK, here we go, sooooo I headed to the clinic for fluids.  Let's sum this up by saying 2 hours,a nurse, a doc and 5 tries later they were sending me to the hospital to get fluids bc they couldn't find a vein.  Then I arrive at so said hospital and (thank you Lord for drive up parking!)  I stumbled to where I need to be, embarrassed that I had to tell the 80 yr old woman whom was escorting me upstairs to "slow down" :)  THEN a hour later, a nurse and a nurse "pro" and 3 more tries later including one that has now made me look like a heroin addict, they found a vein!!!  I just sat and talked to God and couldn't figure out one thing.  If He knew, as I know he did, I would have all these struggles with surgeries and then IV's to follow in my life, why would he not give me the veins to withstand it??? I guess past chemo and then now being dehydrated doesn't help that.  All that to say I spent from 8:30 am till pulling up to my house at 2pm, trying to just feel "somewhat" better, which I did not.  I crashed on the couch, literally passed out and woke up at 2:55 to go get Mya from school.
 Now, I know people get sick.  I keep telling myself that.  But I don't know how to write in words how all this makes me feel so exhausted and unable to handle my responsibilities.  I have had intestinal or stomach and low back problems more and more frequently this year.  I have headaches to follow which are almost worse than a stomachache.  I feel like my body just isn't keeping up with my life.  I am falling apart, literally!!  When my doc asked how many actual surgeries I have and I said 11, I kinda almost shocked myself.  Seriously?!? how am I functioning??? God is so good that Im alive and walking around this earth.  But I don't understand how I have two kids to raise, a house that's too big to take care of ( im not bragging, it's big bc my husband built it, and apparently for no gain with the market being so bad) and a job that is part-time but seemingly full time as its my own business.
I'm just praying for release.  I want to be happy about my life, I want to see the joy in what God has given me.  But today I sit here in the silence of my home, and that is what brings me joy.  People say I should have some me time or get back to the gym or spend time with friends... ALL that keeps getting taken away!! I'm so physically worn I can't make it to the gym at 530 am, which is the only time my schedule allows.  When I plan things with friends it gets changed due to the fact that most my friends have kids or something gets changed.  Me time?? that's so confusing. what the heck is that?? Well my doc says get two good nights of sleep, ok so who is going to take care of my 2 yr old son who gets out of bed at least one time a night??? Or my daughter who wakes up at 6:30am and refuses to not be loud or stay in her room??  I don't know how to explain how I feel at the end of the day, just tired.
I look just now at a couple walking there dogs, that to me would seem happy.  I would just love for once to feel good or not be working to take my daughter to dance and know what's going on in that world, that would be happy.  I would love to not run out of food in the middle of the week or spend time and money on good healthy food for suppers and not have time to prepare them, that would be happy.  I would love to see my husband walk in the door after work and not have the look of death on his face... that would make me happy.
I am so sorry to have been the reality of doom and gloom today.  I know that my joy should come from the Lord and I have to say I know my salvation and eternal living comes from Jesus and that security I have, but the joy I have lost.  I cry out to him, "God we want to follow you we will change what do we need to do???"  I can't hear anything....
these things Im praying for..
1. that i will figure out what is wrong with my stomach/intestines- is it an allergy??
2. that God would reveal to us what change we need to make in our life, and how practically we do that (ie: yes "laura quit your job" is easy to say but as I pay the bills and see the 0 balance every week that is not to practical)
3. that God will reveal himself so powerfully in my husbands life that he will have no fear in leading his family to a better place, where and whatever that may be.

I love you dear friends, whom ever is reading this.  thank you for letting me vent and knowing I am not doing this to get your amazing comments of love and affirmation.  However welcomed :)  I need to write and cry and then cry some more and that helps me deal... you should try it ;)
IN HIM and only THROUGH HIM do I say "enjoy your day"
laura