an over due mind venting

As my posts seem to get further and further apart I wonder why I am feeling so guarded to share.  I think as much as I want to use this blog to be open and honest about my life and what my struggles and/or joys are I seem to have the mindset of more negative lately.  I wonder if someone could really have as many depressing, self-loathing, over stressed, guilt laden thoughts as myself.  So I really have been trying to narrow  down what it is that has me so afraid.
My kids have been gone for almost 3 days and that has been very peaceful for me, and my husband.  Although we are at work, night comes and we actually can carry on a conversation.  It's kind of like instead of leaving one job and moving on to the next we just have the one.  This thought even has almost deceived me into thinking that maybe I should go back to full time work.  The thought of it seemed so refreshing and easy to me.  Lately my time with my kids, mostly my daughter, has been so stressful.  It's not physically exhausting but emotionally.  Ok that's a lie, Payton is quick exhausting physically at this age.  The fact that he doesn't stay in his bed all night is probably wearing on me as well.  When I say stressful I want you to know it is so self induced, but I don't know how to make it go away.  When I look at my kids, see there actions and hear there words, I see it as a direct reflection of myself and my parenting.  This is what has left me so drained and unwilling to start again the next day.  I look at my two days off a week as a highly stressful time. What will I do with them? If Mya isn't constantly entertained she wants to eat: that's me.  If she is feeling left out or not getting lots of attention she gets crabby, needy and emotional: that's me.  I want to stop it.  I want her to stop being so dependent on life and other people and food.  I want her to be better than me.  I want her to be stronger than me.
I don't understand why God has blessed me with two kids.  These last couple days feel just about right for my stress level.  Get up, work out (which I've learned is a necessity for my strength and well being), maybe do an errand or chore, get ready for work, work, then have supper with josh, maybe do one other chore and finally sit.  Do you know the millions of other things are added to that list with kids? (of course you do if your a mom that was a rhetorical question).  So I was just thinking at least on my working days I have a few hours to get those things done.  On my non working days I have no time, literally.  Payton, doesn't sleep through the night so getting up early is really hard on me, Mya doesn't nap nor does she leave me alone during nap time, nor does payton always take a good nap.  Nothing about these days excites me.  Could someone please tell me how to just enjoy me kids?? I don't get it!!!!!
Lately parents of older children have shared with us that it doesn't get easier the situations and seasons just change.  They say it goes so fast so we should enjoy them while they are young.  So let me get this straight:  every season of parenting sucks and then when you move on to the next it sucks more so you miss the last season?!? oh fun :/  It's kinda like telling a bride, when you already have had your wedding, to slow down and enjoy her day- it's not gonna happen.  We can all look back and wish we enjoyed the past but its too late its' in the past.  We were watching Mya's adoption video and I'd give anything to go back and hold that little girl more.  Let her sleep with me at night when she cried.  Pick her up more, prop her bottle less and take her with me always.  But it's too late.  I thought I was doing the "right" thing, teaching her discipline and structure but I believe I put that in place of love and bonding.
Let me just stop my rambling, Im a balling mess now and I have to work soon.  I know God is all sufficient, and beyond my mistakes-thank you JESUS!! I know his plan for my children can never be altered by my inefficiencies.  I just want to know how He want me Laura Hejl to live.  How he wants  me to fit all that is excepted of my day into my day and still feel the joy that Im supposed to be feeling.  there is a lot more "situational" stuff im choosing not to share bc this is already to long, but I pray that this may help someone out there feel not so "Crazy alone" today
blessings,
laura