OH hello friends :) Oddly enough I have this day that is being rocked and moved by this crazy world, but as I try to focus my circumstances not on this world but God- I am choosing to see my: cancelling work appointments, late sleeping son and husband and well mannered, on time, ready for school daughter as a gift from him to glorify HIM. Also thank God for supplements and Juice Plus as another round of cold seems to be on its way as payton sneezed 18 times on me last night (early morning) and Mya woke with a sore throat. Probably doesn't help we just ate about 5 pies this weekend ;)
It was an intense but reflective weekend. Mostly it hit home for me yesterday during an amazing sermon on "Pre-Christmas Calibration" and the story of Mary and Martha. And now this morning my devotion (which has been getting dusty on my shelf this past week or two, I will ashamedly admit) on how to strengthen yourself in the Lord. I know the story of Mary(the sister who sits and Gods feet and is in awe of his presence blocking out all distraction) and Martha ( the "do-er" who is busy serving every one and being angry mary isn't helping) seems and old tale to most but two things hit me as this sermon had a new hit on my heart yesterday. (ps here it is if you have a few minutes to listen www.faithbaptistfellowship.com nov 25 sermon, it will probably be uploaded by tomorrow) Usually we hear it and think "ok, yes do less, stop putting so much on my "to-do" list and pray more. But the pastors point was not that. Point 1, "instead of trying to stop being like Martha to be more like Mary, start being like Mary to be able to stop being like Martha." WHOA that I had to hear more than once to understand but here's what it meant to me: I need to start putting God first, listening to Him, spending time in His word, spend time in silent prayer, then I can tackle my mile long list and if things don't seem as important they will eventually fall off the list. I (and josh) start by crossing things off our lists because we think that will give us more time and more opportunities to be with God. It's all about law and action. Case in point taking Mya out of dance because it took up too much time and money.... no, it didn't. We just found something though WE could fix instead of letting God show us how to draw near to him and showing us how we could have peace and see the love of others around us trying to help. We constantly sit down and try to cross things off our list financially. Those of you who know me well know we cancel our cable like two times a year, or try to change phone plans or try to down size our house (that was a more recent example). Now, maybe if we had a moral conviction of those things (which is another blog) then we would need to act and follow through, but WE are trying to fix something without seeking God and trusting him with what he has given us. Please don't message me that God didn't give us cable ;)
Now, what all this means to me is that I avoid the internal and jump right to the external. What can I do, how can I fix. Not, how can I seek God and come closer to understanding who I am in Him? How can I feel his presence and peace more daily and rest under his light yoke? That was point number 2. Ask yourself those questions. Who are we trying to please? impress? by our Martha get it all done be all we can be attitudes. Do we rely on others or Christs opinion of ourselves? I can tell you one thing we would have waaay less stressed society(especially at Christmas) if we took on Christ view of ourselves. Humans by nature don't want to give up sin and admit a need for a Savior. Then there can never be an adoption in Gods family and love from him the way it's deserved. People think the bible is full of too many rules but in reality Gods loving guidance for our best interest is less harsh than the expectations we put on ourselves to succeed. We take every thing to far because we are told that it's ok to make yourself happy, to bad WE always fall short and we never get the approval we need. This year I feel no joy in decorating my house for Christmas because of the stress we have been under, other than putting up our trees and stockings. When I think of a client walking through my house or someone coming over and seeing it how I usually do it, I think of the praise I would get and it makes me want to begrudgingly haul out my stuff. But I'm not going to. I'm going to do my Christmas cards because they have been so far stress free and enjoyable to do. I am going to look at my two trees, one lovingly decorated by Mya and her cousin and one that I will over primp on, and that will be enough. I am going to take Mya to her dance competitions and enjoy the heck out of watching her do what she loves and not worry about how Payton is acting or how perfect Mya's hair/makeup and dance moves are.
1 Samuel 30 talks about a group of guys including David coming home from a long journey to find there homes torched to the ground and there woman and children taken away. It says "they raised their voices and wept until they had no more strength to weep." I can't imagine the sadness and depression that would cause. Until it then turned to anger and bitterness against David and they wanted to stone him. Instead of giving up hope he prayed to God to strengthen him and for help in a decision to pursue in battle against those who had taken their families. How long do we sit in the fog of depression until we reach out to God to break the pattern. I sink into my hole, I give into my desires and bad habits and I over compensate by reaching out to others opinions of me to fill the void that my God can only satisfy. The world can give immediate, temporary fulfillment and satisfaction buy only God can give eternal security which produces fulfillment and everlasting peace that is OH so satisfying :)
May you reach out to God today for joy all decisions and in return have the most enjoyable pre-Christmas ever!!
laura
Monday, November 26, 2012
Thursday, November 1, 2012
When you try to tell yourself you not being stubborn....
Well when you convince yourself that you're being "self sufficient", "strong" or "taking a stand" against something your sick of doing....then you're like me you are just being stubborn. I have had multiple situations that have stuck out to me this week and even a conversation with some of my clients to confirm this.
One said to me that they were sore, achy and had a headache, I said, "when did you last go to the chiropractor?" they said, "ya, I just had so many doctors in my life I guess I got sick of going in and now I forget to go". Hmmm, so we have really decided to take the path of stubbornness over feeling good, parenting well, or having good relationships.
For me mine is of course health, as I JUST have found a family physician for our family. I was SURE that I was done going to the doctor and I was going to just be so darn good at keeping my family healthy and we were gonna drink so many darn green smoothies and I would make my kids lunch and it would be all organic and they would just LOVE it..... hmm. Ok so even if all that panned out like 80% life still happens and really it was just me being lazy and not having a "plan".
You see I feel like if I plan, I will fail. If I plan to have lunch money in Mya's school lunch account for backup, I will fail to make her lunch. If I plan to have a doctor on hand, I will just go in too much or think there is always something wrong with me. If I plan on having meals during the week, I will just not have time to make them and thus- feel failure. Yep, "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail" was apparently never found, placed or stuck in my brain.
Even with my children. I am so stubborn about how I feel. Like "ugh today I am so sick to the brim of telling my son 100 times to do(or not do) one thing, I am so sick of exerting so much energy! I am sick of saying-in a super sweet obnoxious voice, 'oh, no thank you payton' or 'please use kind words with your sister payton' or 'please stop spitting oranges in the vents payton'. So I'm just gonna yell and grab and demand" And I tell myself that will feel better, and for one second it does but it in no way solves the problem. When my daughter told me this morning I was and I quote, "wasting her time" as I was finding her favorite song on her ipod... whew, just thinking about it boils my blood... ok I'm good- I just literally bit my tongue and then said, "I can't believe you would talk like that to me" very stone cold complete unbelief. I knew if I yelled she would cry or pout and leave my car and go into that school without hearing me say "I love you". low and behold we pulled up and she mumbled "sorry for saying that to you" and she was still a bit pouty but it was resolve there was nothing left unsaid as we parted ways.
So I'm just blogging this because maybe there is something today you think you are doing such a good job at NOT doing because you are telling yourself you're sick of it. In reality though sometimes we have to do things over and over and over. How many times do we tell our kids, "brush your teeth" how many times do yo think our moms told us ;) How many times do we try to make healthy choices, not yell at our kids, pay the bills, do the laundry, make beds, clean, clean some more, go to the grocery store and my most favorite... be super loving and nice(or at least smile at) to my husband when I've had a stinkin' rottin' day!!! We can't just stop doing these things because we are sick of them. However, we can take a break. We can ask God to give us a new perspective and we can put away our stubborn behavior (our 2yr old behavior!) and do what is right because we know in the end it will go better.
Lately I have been asking God to help me see my children as God see's them, like on the spot right in a heated moment. It makes me calm down and take the personalization away from how attacked I feel as a mom/person.
So here's to taking the shorter route to a happy day!! And if you aren't having one go get a starbucks turn on a movie for the kids and pick up a pizza for super, there is always another day to be supermom/wife/friend....etc.
laura
One said to me that they were sore, achy and had a headache, I said, "when did you last go to the chiropractor?" they said, "ya, I just had so many doctors in my life I guess I got sick of going in and now I forget to go". Hmmm, so we have really decided to take the path of stubbornness over feeling good, parenting well, or having good relationships.
For me mine is of course health, as I JUST have found a family physician for our family. I was SURE that I was done going to the doctor and I was going to just be so darn good at keeping my family healthy and we were gonna drink so many darn green smoothies and I would make my kids lunch and it would be all organic and they would just LOVE it..... hmm. Ok so even if all that panned out like 80% life still happens and really it was just me being lazy and not having a "plan".
You see I feel like if I plan, I will fail. If I plan to have lunch money in Mya's school lunch account for backup, I will fail to make her lunch. If I plan to have a doctor on hand, I will just go in too much or think there is always something wrong with me. If I plan on having meals during the week, I will just not have time to make them and thus- feel failure. Yep, "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail" was apparently never found, placed or stuck in my brain.
Even with my children. I am so stubborn about how I feel. Like "ugh today I am so sick to the brim of telling my son 100 times to do(or not do) one thing, I am so sick of exerting so much energy! I am sick of saying-in a super sweet obnoxious voice, 'oh, no thank you payton' or 'please use kind words with your sister payton' or 'please stop spitting oranges in the vents payton'. So I'm just gonna yell and grab and demand" And I tell myself that will feel better, and for one second it does but it in no way solves the problem. When my daughter told me this morning I was and I quote, "wasting her time" as I was finding her favorite song on her ipod... whew, just thinking about it boils my blood... ok I'm good- I just literally bit my tongue and then said, "I can't believe you would talk like that to me" very stone cold complete unbelief. I knew if I yelled she would cry or pout and leave my car and go into that school without hearing me say "I love you". low and behold we pulled up and she mumbled "sorry for saying that to you" and she was still a bit pouty but it was resolve there was nothing left unsaid as we parted ways.
So I'm just blogging this because maybe there is something today you think you are doing such a good job at NOT doing because you are telling yourself you're sick of it. In reality though sometimes we have to do things over and over and over. How many times do we tell our kids, "brush your teeth" how many times do yo think our moms told us ;) How many times do we try to make healthy choices, not yell at our kids, pay the bills, do the laundry, make beds, clean, clean some more, go to the grocery store and my most favorite... be super loving and nice(or at least smile at) to my husband when I've had a stinkin' rottin' day!!! We can't just stop doing these things because we are sick of them. However, we can take a break. We can ask God to give us a new perspective and we can put away our stubborn behavior (our 2yr old behavior!) and do what is right because we know in the end it will go better.
Lately I have been asking God to help me see my children as God see's them, like on the spot right in a heated moment. It makes me calm down and take the personalization away from how attacked I feel as a mom/person.
So here's to taking the shorter route to a happy day!! And if you aren't having one go get a starbucks turn on a movie for the kids and pick up a pizza for super, there is always another day to be supermom/wife/friend....etc.
laura
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
through the mouths of babes
So after having an emotional couple of days deciding if we made the right decision or not pulling her out of dance, I got a phone call from God. Oh, ok it was not him but it felt like it. What he was trying to tell me is to get over my fears and live in this world while I'm here. To be a beackon not a hermit and let my family live there own lives and make there own mistakes. It was him telling me that what I didn't or couldn't see was that we have a whole community of dance team family who is willing to help us out however we need so that Mya can do what she loves. She has worked hard this year and deserves to finish it out. The fact that she was so mature and tried to hold in her emotions because she thought she needed to makes me proud and sad. I am going to have to be careful with this precious girls emotions, she is a people "pleaser"- oh Lord!, here is payback from my life.
So, we are back on the dance train. I am so thankful for everyone's kind words and understanding, no matter what. I am on my knees thankful for times when God gently corrects our mistakes. Sure, one day we will all look back on things we did wrong or wish we could have changed. But sometimes we are allowed a second chance if we can listen and let go.
Some of you may know that almost all my test came back negative. Most important was no crohn's or cancer in the bloodwork markers. I do have an ulcer (hmm self induced I'm sure) and some inflammation I am going to talk to my doc on what to do next. Bottom line is I need to take better care of myself. I am checking into the SCD (Specific Carb Diet) if anyone has heard of it I'd love feedback. It's not for loosing weight but healing stomachs/ intestines. I know I need to do something but for some reason jumping off this cliff seems horribly hard. I was hoping for a test that shoved me into it. Yet, I am grateful for these super "growing" moments (that was meant to be read with sarcasm).
Well that's it for my late night blog rant. Just wanted to update you on life and how it can change from day to day ;) It's good, it all really is. God is good if we could just open our pitiful eyes and see what is around us and stop peeking at the greener grass on the other side. God isn't good "if only" a,b,c, and d change, he's good NOW. amen and good night.
laura
Monday, October 22, 2012
Letting Go
I was under the assumption that when I made bold Godly moves in my life that it would be extremely easy and I would have this overwhelming peace and comfort in my heart. I don't know where I picked up that assumption as it has never proven true, but I experienced nothing of the sort when making a "parental" decision this last week.
Yes, sometimes as parents we have to do what's right for our family and be real live grown-ups. So, I thought that that meant it was hard on the kids, not hard on us.... After all this trauma with me being sick so much lately and us having NO margin for error in our schedule we realized something. We where drifting apart as a family. Every moment was, "where are you going? who are you taking? are you picking up...?", or "no we can't come we have (fill in the blank)". We would have a saturday to do "nothing" and I kid you not it was the worst day ever. You would think we would be relieved to have a day off but instead we were seemingly bored. We were tense and anxiety filled, trying to absorb all the "rest" we could but never feeling it. We didn't feel any peace what-so-ever knowing that this was possibly the only calm that we had scheduled for quite some time. So I turned to my husband and said, "why don't we know how to hang out with each other?", and he replied "I don't know but we need to change it" You see we are sinking further and further into to this world and driving further away from the blessings of what God promises a family to be. "Gifts" are supposed to be how we see our children, not burdens. "Lovers and friends" are supposed to be our spouses, not ankle weights or annoyances.
Our daughter is getting older and older, sassier and sassier. She is filling all her "off" time as far away from home as possible, I don't think knowingly so but this is where she is seeking her joy. She is 6. When I was 6 I played house with my sister, played with my barbies in my basement playhouse or maybe had a neighbor over. The thought of a sleepover, weekend sporting event, or not stepping in my own house until 7pm was non existent.
So out of the blue, literally I can not even remember how this came up, we started to talk about how our year looked for her being involved in an extra curicular events. Meaning practices and competitions. Either all of us would be busy or just Mya and I away from home. We have 2 hours of practice each week and 20 min of practice each day after school or after I get off work to help her get set up to practice, sometimes this is at 7pm. This is us saying no to family get togethers or spontaneous events. This means me, the mom, being very overwhelmed by one more job in this house. As I said before we have no room for error. This means, Josh works. We don't know what hours we don't know how many hours we don't know where he'll be, but for right now in this season, its often and exhausting. I get sick, often. For right now we are trying to find out why we are trying to find out how to fix it but in the end, it happens and when it does there is no one to pick up my slack.
So the thought of removing something out of our daughters life that she (and I) love literally made me (and still does somewhat) nauseous. We talked and fought and talked some more. I get it. I get we HAVE to remove it. That doesn't change that Josh and I both tossed and turned and couldn't sleep that night knowing we had to tell her in the morning.
And as we sat at the breakfast table and our daughter silently sat, tears running down her face, I knew that being a grown up sucked. Making rational, parental, yet Godly decisions is not easy, comfortable or peaceful. She wouldn't say anything. We encouraged her to talk, she wouldn't. Then after josh left I had her sit on my lap and we both cried (me internally) and then we talked about how that night since she didn't have practice we could pick a recipe from her cook book and make something. She smiled. I knew then that even though our hearts ached that this would be a blessed decision. I want you to know though I kept holding on, I kept trying to make excuses, trying to fix it so she could still be part of her team. I had this overwhelming thought in mind that it was my fault and I was letting everyone down. The teacher, the other parents, my daughter. Just in general, why couldn't I manage this ONE thing!!! When I talked to josh it was like trying to convince him I could handle it. And then he hit home. "Laura, we can keep her on team. It's up to you. I want you to know though that YOU are putting this on yourself. I can not help you right now with this and this is more stress you are putting on yourself. If you get sick, you can not get angry that our family falls apart because we have too much going on. We can make it work financially we can probably make it work time wise, but we will be stretched to the max." UGH, yes I get it "God speaking through my husband". Does God ever say to you, "child, I am trying to remove something from you, even though it hurts, it will be better once it is gone and the wound is healed, let Me help you." and we just hold on. We think we can do it, we think we are superhuman. Know I know this may sound like rubbish to some, like "what's the big deal she's 6 she'll move on." But I think you can see that we all have things in our lives more difficult due to other circumstances.
Watching my daughter dance is the most beautiful thing to me, or so I thought. Last night she was practicing her bible verse for church and after she read it we prayed it back to God as her prayer. Her face lit up and she was said, "this is so cool mom! I'm going to keep reading it after you leave!" and "mom I had the best time practicing for the Christmas concert today! I think I want to try a solo this year!" Which by this way she couldn't have done before because we would have missed to many practices. I don't even know why for some reason that verse and prayer hit her heart but it connected her in her own way to God instead of through me. I left her room knowing that this decision, this trial( not just removing her from dance) we are getting through is making us all stronger. I need to put in perspective the things in life not just for her sake but mine. There will be many many more events for our children. I will be proud of them more times than I can even imagine. I can't ruin God's plan for them but I can make it quieter for them to hear. Maybe through my sickness and all this cRaZy right now He is doing a work in her. Who am I to get in the way of that. wow, way to make something about me that's not about me :)
It's amazing to me how as parents we take things on put our kids through things that we are trying to heal or battle through ourselves. We discipline them for attitudes that we see in ourselves. We watch them achieve and live vicariously through them. I really want this year of painful growth to mean something for our family. I really want to pay attention to what God is saying.... ok PS I JUST got a call from the nurse that the doctor is going to call me later today with results from all my test last week. sigh** ok here we go......I should also mention that the forementioned teacher and parents where extremely supportive and encouraged us to put family first. Proof that satan's attack on my ego and pride was outed by God's love and grace being poured on to this family.
thanks for making it through this huge blog today, Laura
Yes, sometimes as parents we have to do what's right for our family and be real live grown-ups. So, I thought that that meant it was hard on the kids, not hard on us.... After all this trauma with me being sick so much lately and us having NO margin for error in our schedule we realized something. We where drifting apart as a family. Every moment was, "where are you going? who are you taking? are you picking up...?", or "no we can't come we have (fill in the blank)". We would have a saturday to do "nothing" and I kid you not it was the worst day ever. You would think we would be relieved to have a day off but instead we were seemingly bored. We were tense and anxiety filled, trying to absorb all the "rest" we could but never feeling it. We didn't feel any peace what-so-ever knowing that this was possibly the only calm that we had scheduled for quite some time. So I turned to my husband and said, "why don't we know how to hang out with each other?", and he replied "I don't know but we need to change it" You see we are sinking further and further into to this world and driving further away from the blessings of what God promises a family to be. "Gifts" are supposed to be how we see our children, not burdens. "Lovers and friends" are supposed to be our spouses, not ankle weights or annoyances.
Our daughter is getting older and older, sassier and sassier. She is filling all her "off" time as far away from home as possible, I don't think knowingly so but this is where she is seeking her joy. She is 6. When I was 6 I played house with my sister, played with my barbies in my basement playhouse or maybe had a neighbor over. The thought of a sleepover, weekend sporting event, or not stepping in my own house until 7pm was non existent.
So out of the blue, literally I can not even remember how this came up, we started to talk about how our year looked for her being involved in an extra curicular events. Meaning practices and competitions. Either all of us would be busy or just Mya and I away from home. We have 2 hours of practice each week and 20 min of practice each day after school or after I get off work to help her get set up to practice, sometimes this is at 7pm. This is us saying no to family get togethers or spontaneous events. This means me, the mom, being very overwhelmed by one more job in this house. As I said before we have no room for error. This means, Josh works. We don't know what hours we don't know how many hours we don't know where he'll be, but for right now in this season, its often and exhausting. I get sick, often. For right now we are trying to find out why we are trying to find out how to fix it but in the end, it happens and when it does there is no one to pick up my slack.
So the thought of removing something out of our daughters life that she (and I) love literally made me (and still does somewhat) nauseous. We talked and fought and talked some more. I get it. I get we HAVE to remove it. That doesn't change that Josh and I both tossed and turned and couldn't sleep that night knowing we had to tell her in the morning.
And as we sat at the breakfast table and our daughter silently sat, tears running down her face, I knew that being a grown up sucked. Making rational, parental, yet Godly decisions is not easy, comfortable or peaceful. She wouldn't say anything. We encouraged her to talk, she wouldn't. Then after josh left I had her sit on my lap and we both cried (me internally) and then we talked about how that night since she didn't have practice we could pick a recipe from her cook book and make something. She smiled. I knew then that even though our hearts ached that this would be a blessed decision. I want you to know though I kept holding on, I kept trying to make excuses, trying to fix it so she could still be part of her team. I had this overwhelming thought in mind that it was my fault and I was letting everyone down. The teacher, the other parents, my daughter. Just in general, why couldn't I manage this ONE thing!!! When I talked to josh it was like trying to convince him I could handle it. And then he hit home. "Laura, we can keep her on team. It's up to you. I want you to know though that YOU are putting this on yourself. I can not help you right now with this and this is more stress you are putting on yourself. If you get sick, you can not get angry that our family falls apart because we have too much going on. We can make it work financially we can probably make it work time wise, but we will be stretched to the max." UGH, yes I get it "God speaking through my husband". Does God ever say to you, "child, I am trying to remove something from you, even though it hurts, it will be better once it is gone and the wound is healed, let Me help you." and we just hold on. We think we can do it, we think we are superhuman. Know I know this may sound like rubbish to some, like "what's the big deal she's 6 she'll move on." But I think you can see that we all have things in our lives more difficult due to other circumstances.
Watching my daughter dance is the most beautiful thing to me, or so I thought. Last night she was practicing her bible verse for church and after she read it we prayed it back to God as her prayer. Her face lit up and she was said, "this is so cool mom! I'm going to keep reading it after you leave!" and "mom I had the best time practicing for the Christmas concert today! I think I want to try a solo this year!" Which by this way she couldn't have done before because we would have missed to many practices. I don't even know why for some reason that verse and prayer hit her heart but it connected her in her own way to God instead of through me. I left her room knowing that this decision, this trial( not just removing her from dance) we are getting through is making us all stronger. I need to put in perspective the things in life not just for her sake but mine. There will be many many more events for our children. I will be proud of them more times than I can even imagine. I can't ruin God's plan for them but I can make it quieter for them to hear. Maybe through my sickness and all this cRaZy right now He is doing a work in her. Who am I to get in the way of that. wow, way to make something about me that's not about me :)
It's amazing to me how as parents we take things on put our kids through things that we are trying to heal or battle through ourselves. We discipline them for attitudes that we see in ourselves. We watch them achieve and live vicariously through them. I really want this year of painful growth to mean something for our family. I really want to pay attention to what God is saying.... ok PS I JUST got a call from the nurse that the doctor is going to call me later today with results from all my test last week. sigh** ok here we go......I should also mention that the forementioned teacher and parents where extremely supportive and encouraged us to put family first. Proof that satan's attack on my ego and pride was outed by God's love and grace being poured on to this family.
thanks for making it through this huge blog today, Laura
Monday, October 15, 2012
20 min blog/prayer request
Well we will see if it's possible to do a 20 min blog post :-/ I kinda doubt it. I need to share that I am a little nervous as I have a GI (gastrointestinal) appointment tomorrow. Last week I had a doctors appointment and we checked iron levels, hemoglobin and for Celiac's disease. Everything was normal and I will humbly say I was more than relieved to find I do not have Celiac's. I know many who do and respect the effort they have to put into there diet. I fear though that something in that court is on it's way to the Hejl household. I have had the worst "feeling" year since all my surgeries and such. I have had way to many outbreaks of flu like symptoms and episodes that really hasn't cleared up for a month. I am not sleeping, eating or living well at the moment. It is a struggle to look online and hear from friends about ways of eating that MAY help my situation. For example I found I may be intolerant to yeast, egg yolks, nuts, and possibly meat. Well, I decided to take on the yeast removal and I really haven't felt more horrible and with no energy to top it off. My point being is I could literally take a year of my life trying all these things or I could just go see the doc and possibly get some answers. My husband and I both feel we need to put all other things aside until this is figured out because we just can't live not knowing if I will be laid up for days or weeks at a time. It makes are already stressed season in life that much more exhausting.
Yesterday in my Sunday school class our teacher, my handsome husband, gave us a verse he was praying for us all during the week. Part of it stuck out to me and that's 2 Corinthians 12:9 "...'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." So my friends I am boasting all my weaknesses to you in this moment! I so badly need the power of Christ in this moment. I know, I trust, I depend on the fact that this is God renew his steadfast love within me. This is God ridding me of part of a strong hold I have carried with me for the majority of my life. I say part of because the "thorn" that is my cut up, duct taped body is not going to be renewed physically this side of heaven. I will always have to deal with it. But the burden it puts on my eating, the financial burden of continually searching and the stress it puts on our marriage, these are things I believe God is going to rid us of. He has given me more resources for things I know what to do with right now and I have to trust that after tomorrow or after they do more testing I will know what to do with all these things. I have to stop putting this off. I am at my end, I am on my knees. What an amazing place to be as God has shown me my excuses are gone. My distance from Him is too far and it's time for Him to pull my back into His care and not my own.
My weakness of dealing with being an adoptive mom, having a business, having a husband who has a business, and so many insecurities are all things that you can look forward to me fighting to work through. Right now though, my health and our families future health I believe is depending on this next week or so. My dad says this year is going to be better, he says that every year. God bless him he's right. Not because each year I make more money, or because I have figured out how to parent, I have rid myself of guilt or we managed to have perfect 9-5 jobs with cheap daycare ;) It's a better year each year because our issues our stresses get more refined they get so hot that we forced to deal with them so God can use us more and more. He can't used sick Laura on the couch, taking pain pills, shaking from dehydration. With my mind only able to handle TV. He can't use Laura ridden with guilt about what and how she's raising her children and how she's failing to nurture and put her family first. And so my friends God is going to fix this, maybe not in a way the human eye can see or ever figure out, but I can tell you one thing, my heart will feel it. My joy WILL return.
God bless you,
laura
Yesterday in my Sunday school class our teacher, my handsome husband, gave us a verse he was praying for us all during the week. Part of it stuck out to me and that's 2 Corinthians 12:9 "...'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." So my friends I am boasting all my weaknesses to you in this moment! I so badly need the power of Christ in this moment. I know, I trust, I depend on the fact that this is God renew his steadfast love within me. This is God ridding me of part of a strong hold I have carried with me for the majority of my life. I say part of because the "thorn" that is my cut up, duct taped body is not going to be renewed physically this side of heaven. I will always have to deal with it. But the burden it puts on my eating, the financial burden of continually searching and the stress it puts on our marriage, these are things I believe God is going to rid us of. He has given me more resources for things I know what to do with right now and I have to trust that after tomorrow or after they do more testing I will know what to do with all these things. I have to stop putting this off. I am at my end, I am on my knees. What an amazing place to be as God has shown me my excuses are gone. My distance from Him is too far and it's time for Him to pull my back into His care and not my own.
My weakness of dealing with being an adoptive mom, having a business, having a husband who has a business, and so many insecurities are all things that you can look forward to me fighting to work through. Right now though, my health and our families future health I believe is depending on this next week or so. My dad says this year is going to be better, he says that every year. God bless him he's right. Not because each year I make more money, or because I have figured out how to parent, I have rid myself of guilt or we managed to have perfect 9-5 jobs with cheap daycare ;) It's a better year each year because our issues our stresses get more refined they get so hot that we forced to deal with them so God can use us more and more. He can't used sick Laura on the couch, taking pain pills, shaking from dehydration. With my mind only able to handle TV. He can't use Laura ridden with guilt about what and how she's raising her children and how she's failing to nurture and put her family first. And so my friends God is going to fix this, maybe not in a way the human eye can see or ever figure out, but I can tell you one thing, my heart will feel it. My joy WILL return.
God bless you,
laura
Friday, September 28, 2012
update with a side of soap box
Hello my friends! Is it ok that I am such a random blogger?? Well I guess there are no "rules" huh? Well none the less this week has been less than blog worthy. It may have sounded like this, "waa, waa, why me, waa, waa, still why me???"
So I'm slightly less biased and bitter today so I will fill you in and get a little perspective for myself. Also I should warn you there is a "soap-box" at the end of this blog today but it will hopefully be inspiring instead of annoying or mean.
Well Sunday night I got sick again with what seemed to be the flu. Now, for a normal person no biggie but this is my 4th time having to go get IV fluids in the past, well under 6 months. That is not cool in my book or my checkbook. So I felt it coming on and thought I would be pro-active about it. At 1:30 am when Payton came into our room bc he once again woke up crying and I couldn't hardly lift him up to bed I went over to my poor delirious husband and told him I was off to the ER to get fluids, and well let's be honest we both had busy work days on Monday. When I returned home at 5:45 am and slept a 1/2 hour only to get up and try to get kids ready, husband already gone by 7. Let's just say the pain meds kept me pretty "on it", I was thinking I felt pretty good. Well I took more to get through my work day but continued to have "flu like" symptoms all day.
I will spare you the day by day, mostly because I feel writing down everything I have felt this horrible week is only for justification in what I already know I feel: anger, resentment, fear, discouragement.
I will tell you that I also found out on tues of this week via a laser allergy testing that I have sensitivity to yeast, all nuts, and egg yolks. Not so harsh until I looked it up online. So I did what every respectable well put together women would do- I melted down to my husband about my horrible stupid body and the fact that it seems every day every week we don't know what's going to hit us over the head. The feeling of pity was beyond overwhelming this time. Waking up every day and barely making to the bathroom with out sitting down with exhaustion and then knowing what was ahead of me for the day was just exactly that, overwhelming. My body literaly living on "E" (or empty if that didn't make sense in your head like it did mine).
Finally, yesterday I wasn't getting any better eating only brocolli and quinoa all day (because that's all I had in my fridge that fit the "rules" of this newly found sensitivity, and no one has time (or I don't have energy to leave the house) to go grocery shopping. I realized the test said "sensitive" not "allergic". Now I have noticed peanuts or peanut butter and lately almonds rip what I have of intestine up. But, as for egg yolks? never noticed. The yeast thing I can see, mostly bc of how I feel after eating carbs and sugar with either have yeast or produce it(also milk but not so much cheese). So for the fact that NOTHING was staying in my body and eating a bare minimum wasn't cutting it ate some raisin bran minus most the raisins (so I could get some bran stuck in my system- this is what you have to do with an ileostomy) and some yeast free 3 ingredient chip with a little organic cheese shredded on it. Went fine. Last night I even took Mya to dance and managed to "fake" my way of feeling well in public. I tend to overdue it in public when Im sick, because I'm fake like that. If I sit around and sulk or don't talk everyone just thinks Im being a, well B* or Im mad at them. Now today I have had some eggs (full egg) and bacon. went fine. Some seaseme rice crackers with sunflower butter, then some chicken with cheese and those chips again. Again, not ideal but this is my current fridge. Anyway, overreaction I think may be how I would describe this week. A smart normal calm Laura, the wise women God talks about in the bible would have done this (and had much less to blog about ( : ) Gotten sick, taken the WHOLE week of work and trusted God would provide financially. Put word out to friends and grandmas that I needed help with the kids dud to Josh's schedule and my sickness. Then eat smart and rest. ok, you can go ahead and hold me accountable to that next time :)
Now, here's the thing. I couldn't help but think this week. Two things. Why do I have to hate everything healthy (well mostly). I get so excited about eating vegetables and in a group of people I will most likely act happy to talk about them and pretend to love them! "oh you make lasagna out of squash, eggplant, spinach and zucchini ?? Yumm, I'll have to try that!" liar, I really don't want to I want to make lasagna with meat, 3 different cheeses and sauce. "oh, you just eat some meat and quick roast some veggies for supper?? That is such a good idea!!" nope lie again. I am a casserole girl, always have been. When you see me eating hummus and carrots just know I'd rather be eating chips dipped in cheese sauce. I just blew my cover, sigh*. Second thing is this, why do we have to be so bad to our bodies? I will say this, I enjoy trying to feed my family organically. What we can afford at least. But other than that I sway to the side of unhealthy, its habitual im sure. But now, I see people smoke or eating fast food and I want or getting nothing but pop and processed food at the grocery store and I want to tackle them and scream "what are you doing?!?!?!" do you want to see my stomach? (ok that would be soo weird and SUCH a good social experiment) do you want to see the scares of all my surgeries and let me tell you about the repercussions of radiation and chemotherapy!!" Am I saying we can stop cancer? to a point of giving ourselves knowledge I say "yes". I believe God foresaw my entire life and this is my path but that does not mean he couldn't have done amazing things had I had a different path. Anyway, this is not judgmental as I have said this would BE me if had not done research attended meetings and been given the knowledge I was given about real food, im just saying for you and your childrens sake: look at the ingredients of your food, think about being sick on your sickest of days and imagine living with that for the rest of your life. whew, that's kinda a big deal to say. I already feel bad about saying it but hopefully you read it with love. I honestly don't wish caner or the repercussions of it on my worst enemy.
Well, this is it for me know. If you would please continue to pray for me. I don't know if I have the longest flu bug ever, or if what my worst case scenario is coming true: that something is wrong with my already barely existent intestine. hopefully I talk to you soon and have amazing news. Please know this. God is more than good, people are helping with my kids, bringing us food and when I paid bills this morning magically I think we will be able to handle them, no, not magically- God's provision through our letting go has been truly amazing.
So I'm slightly less biased and bitter today so I will fill you in and get a little perspective for myself. Also I should warn you there is a "soap-box" at the end of this blog today but it will hopefully be inspiring instead of annoying or mean.
Well Sunday night I got sick again with what seemed to be the flu. Now, for a normal person no biggie but this is my 4th time having to go get IV fluids in the past, well under 6 months. That is not cool in my book or my checkbook. So I felt it coming on and thought I would be pro-active about it. At 1:30 am when Payton came into our room bc he once again woke up crying and I couldn't hardly lift him up to bed I went over to my poor delirious husband and told him I was off to the ER to get fluids, and well let's be honest we both had busy work days on Monday. When I returned home at 5:45 am and slept a 1/2 hour only to get up and try to get kids ready, husband already gone by 7. Let's just say the pain meds kept me pretty "on it", I was thinking I felt pretty good. Well I took more to get through my work day but continued to have "flu like" symptoms all day.
I will spare you the day by day, mostly because I feel writing down everything I have felt this horrible week is only for justification in what I already know I feel: anger, resentment, fear, discouragement.
I will tell you that I also found out on tues of this week via a laser allergy testing that I have sensitivity to yeast, all nuts, and egg yolks. Not so harsh until I looked it up online. So I did what every respectable well put together women would do- I melted down to my husband about my horrible stupid body and the fact that it seems every day every week we don't know what's going to hit us over the head. The feeling of pity was beyond overwhelming this time. Waking up every day and barely making to the bathroom with out sitting down with exhaustion and then knowing what was ahead of me for the day was just exactly that, overwhelming. My body literaly living on "E" (or empty if that didn't make sense in your head like it did mine).
Finally, yesterday I wasn't getting any better eating only brocolli and quinoa all day (because that's all I had in my fridge that fit the "rules" of this newly found sensitivity, and no one has time (or I don't have energy to leave the house) to go grocery shopping. I realized the test said "sensitive" not "allergic". Now I have noticed peanuts or peanut butter and lately almonds rip what I have of intestine up. But, as for egg yolks? never noticed. The yeast thing I can see, mostly bc of how I feel after eating carbs and sugar with either have yeast or produce it(also milk but not so much cheese). So for the fact that NOTHING was staying in my body and eating a bare minimum wasn't cutting it ate some raisin bran minus most the raisins (so I could get some bran stuck in my system- this is what you have to do with an ileostomy) and some yeast free 3 ingredient chip with a little organic cheese shredded on it. Went fine. Last night I even took Mya to dance and managed to "fake" my way of feeling well in public. I tend to overdue it in public when Im sick, because I'm fake like that. If I sit around and sulk or don't talk everyone just thinks Im being a, well B* or Im mad at them. Now today I have had some eggs (full egg) and bacon. went fine. Some seaseme rice crackers with sunflower butter, then some chicken with cheese and those chips again. Again, not ideal but this is my current fridge. Anyway, overreaction I think may be how I would describe this week. A smart normal calm Laura, the wise women God talks about in the bible would have done this (and had much less to blog about ( : ) Gotten sick, taken the WHOLE week of work and trusted God would provide financially. Put word out to friends and grandmas that I needed help with the kids dud to Josh's schedule and my sickness. Then eat smart and rest. ok, you can go ahead and hold me accountable to that next time :)
Now, here's the thing. I couldn't help but think this week. Two things. Why do I have to hate everything healthy (well mostly). I get so excited about eating vegetables and in a group of people I will most likely act happy to talk about them and pretend to love them! "oh you make lasagna out of squash, eggplant, spinach and zucchini ?? Yumm, I'll have to try that!" liar, I really don't want to I want to make lasagna with meat, 3 different cheeses and sauce. "oh, you just eat some meat and quick roast some veggies for supper?? That is such a good idea!!" nope lie again. I am a casserole girl, always have been. When you see me eating hummus and carrots just know I'd rather be eating chips dipped in cheese sauce. I just blew my cover, sigh*. Second thing is this, why do we have to be so bad to our bodies? I will say this, I enjoy trying to feed my family organically. What we can afford at least. But other than that I sway to the side of unhealthy, its habitual im sure. But now, I see people smoke or eating fast food and I want or getting nothing but pop and processed food at the grocery store and I want to tackle them and scream "what are you doing?!?!?!" do you want to see my stomach? (ok that would be soo weird and SUCH a good social experiment) do you want to see the scares of all my surgeries and let me tell you about the repercussions of radiation and chemotherapy!!" Am I saying we can stop cancer? to a point of giving ourselves knowledge I say "yes". I believe God foresaw my entire life and this is my path but that does not mean he couldn't have done amazing things had I had a different path. Anyway, this is not judgmental as I have said this would BE me if had not done research attended meetings and been given the knowledge I was given about real food, im just saying for you and your childrens sake: look at the ingredients of your food, think about being sick on your sickest of days and imagine living with that for the rest of your life. whew, that's kinda a big deal to say. I already feel bad about saying it but hopefully you read it with love. I honestly don't wish caner or the repercussions of it on my worst enemy.
Well, this is it for me know. If you would please continue to pray for me. I don't know if I have the longest flu bug ever, or if what my worst case scenario is coming true: that something is wrong with my already barely existent intestine. hopefully I talk to you soon and have amazing news. Please know this. God is more than good, people are helping with my kids, bringing us food and when I paid bills this morning magically I think we will be able to handle them, no, not magically- God's provision through our letting go has been truly amazing.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
yes there still is a God :)
Well I was going to listen to a devotional this morning but I think this is where I need to be. I wanted share something that has been playing over and over in my head. You know one of those situations you wish you said something but didn't? Well in my case it was while I was getting my IV in last week so i'm giving myself a little slack from the dizziness ;) So the nurse says to me( as he is just taking his last final jab before they call the ultrasound nurse and he gets it in), "there is still a God!" and then as if I didn't hear him the first time he says it again, "oh I guess there still is a God". And in my mind I'm thinking but not vocalizing at that point, "well if you would've missed or couldn't get it then would there NOT be a God??" I felt like after I felt better I wanted to call him back and have a solid theological conversation about his wavering belief system.
I will never forget going to a Mercy Me concert, excuse me for forgetting the title and for probably messing up the words to some extent, in one of their songs (I believe they wrote after the lead singers dad died)he talked about wondering how people would ask how he is so strong in his faith?! And he replies by saying that the one thing he can hold on to the one thing that remains and is unchanging is God, is his faith.
Now, this poor nurse just of course sparked something in me that really has a deeper meaning in my own life right now. I hate to rag on the guy, he was trying to be encouraging. I just wander when I see people going and listening to the "prosperous gospel" or "health and wealth" gospel, what it is that they believe if their prayers are answered "no" or in sickness or in death?? It really hits home in our family because if I ever get cancer again or even in our day to day dealings with it, my first response is NEVER "oh I wonder if there is a God?" I don't think God is a nice idea that we should put into a well rounded view of this world and creation, for an option. I believe that no matter what sickness, health, wealth, poverty, even and uncomfortable feeling about a political view..... God is God. That should be a very stabilizing and peaceful fact for believers because this world will always be changing "view points".
I was very encouraged by a friend the other day who just became a born again believer and I was torn up with happy-tug-at-my-core emotion. In the middle of our trials right now God has shown me his mighty hand. His hand that never stops working even though I am neutral. A hand that never grows weary even though I do. Josh's sunday school class went amazing last week (for adults) I sat in amazement at how God can change and use that man exactly how he needs to especially when it's waaay out of his comfort zone. I have to say last weekend with the kids gone and time to fill up on "marriage" time was very encouraging for us. I am feeling myself already slip after a couple days of work and dealing with some financial thoughts in my head and that is why I needed to write this for a reminder to ME today. God WILL walk us THROUGH this. Maybe not around it but we will see the other side. My prayer life has had a drastic change. Praying for strength and guidance instead of answers.
may God be God and may the bible confirm that for you today,
laura
I will never forget going to a Mercy Me concert, excuse me for forgetting the title and for probably messing up the words to some extent, in one of their songs (I believe they wrote after the lead singers dad died)he talked about wondering how people would ask how he is so strong in his faith?! And he replies by saying that the one thing he can hold on to the one thing that remains and is unchanging is God, is his faith.
Now, this poor nurse just of course sparked something in me that really has a deeper meaning in my own life right now. I hate to rag on the guy, he was trying to be encouraging. I just wander when I see people going and listening to the "prosperous gospel" or "health and wealth" gospel, what it is that they believe if their prayers are answered "no" or in sickness or in death?? It really hits home in our family because if I ever get cancer again or even in our day to day dealings with it, my first response is NEVER "oh I wonder if there is a God?" I don't think God is a nice idea that we should put into a well rounded view of this world and creation, for an option. I believe that no matter what sickness, health, wealth, poverty, even and uncomfortable feeling about a political view..... God is God. That should be a very stabilizing and peaceful fact for believers because this world will always be changing "view points".
I was very encouraged by a friend the other day who just became a born again believer and I was torn up with happy-tug-at-my-core emotion. In the middle of our trials right now God has shown me his mighty hand. His hand that never stops working even though I am neutral. A hand that never grows weary even though I do. Josh's sunday school class went amazing last week (for adults) I sat in amazement at how God can change and use that man exactly how he needs to especially when it's waaay out of his comfort zone. I have to say last weekend with the kids gone and time to fill up on "marriage" time was very encouraging for us. I am feeling myself already slip after a couple days of work and dealing with some financial thoughts in my head and that is why I needed to write this for a reminder to ME today. God WILL walk us THROUGH this. Maybe not around it but we will see the other side. My prayer life has had a drastic change. Praying for strength and guidance instead of answers.
may God be God and may the bible confirm that for you today,
laura
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