misplaced hope

Happy rainy Thursday :)  Some days rain just fits the mood huh? I did a little extra work today so now as my time is nearing an end when Mr. P wakes up and its time to get sissy I think I should do a quick blog.  A few things have hit me here in the past couple of days.  I'm loving my new book/devotion "Brave".  Helping me take a look at why I feel weary and to whom or to what I'm going to instead of God to fill me. 
 After Mya being sick this week and a pretty busy salon week we pulled into the garage after church last night and I just sat there.  Like if I didn't move no one would notice and the kids would get out of the car and go put themselves to bed.  Or like if I just waited there long enough I would have amazing renewed strength to open the car door and get them to bed.  Or maybe there was a cleaning fairy in my house and if I waited long enough she could finish..... then I took that looong deeep breath and exhaled and said, "here we go, last round of the day".  Well today, in this rain I just always fill a little more calm and thoughtful.  What is wearing me out? Why do I feel exhausted?  I know there will be plenty of people who can relate when I make these next statements.  I don't feel I have the right to feel exhausted if Im not constantly busy.  For example Im sitting here blogging, all my furniture is pilled up bc we had the carpets cleaned, the windows are dirty and there is some MAJOR dusting to be done.  But Im just really trying to look at my life "above the sun" which means from Gods eyes. Eccl 1:3 says "what does man gain by all the toil at which he toils under the sun?"  Meaning most things we do in our lives are causing exhaustion for pure gain of vanity.  The other day I realized I FEEL I can't say I love being a mom because I don't feel I can handle more than two kids.  NOT TRUE.  I felt like if I am good at and love being a mom I should continue to want more and more kids.  I don't know where I come up with these things seriously they just live in my brain.  I felt like if I come and sit down at the end of the day when there is obviously much to be done in my house I must not be a very good wife/mom.  NOT TRUE. I felt if I wasn't sending cards and gifts to our world vision girl in Africa then Im not a good sponsor and our money is doing her no good.  NOT TRUE I feel like if im not crafting, printing and booking pictures, checking our finances, logging my business account, checking back packs, folding laundry, doing dishes, meal planning, decorating, or talking to a friend in need- Im not doing a good job at, well... life.  You get the idea. Lie after LIE.  Truth is I can't live up to my own expectations.  Why can't I feel God's grace, why don't I ask for God's grace, why don't I trust Gods grace would be the best question.  I trust him to save my soul but not to allow me to have peace.  
One thing in my study today was a list of "misplaced hope" that we've trusted.  I circled underline and starred CALM CIRCUMSTANCES.  Why in God's green earth would I ever think my life was meant for calm circumstances.  Yet that is my goal that is my misplaced hope.  That one day I would wake up/have one on one time with God at 6, get the kids ready and have family breakfast at 7, workout at 8 after the kids are happily off to school and daycare, go through my day smoothly with nice planned out healthy meals and snacks, make supper just in time to see everyone coming home, then after work having some quality time with the fam, and just enough time to tidy up and go to be around 10.  Um, no wonder I'm hopeless!!  When life is calm that doesn't mean God is present. God is our strength when we are weak he is our feet when we are weary, more than that He says "we will soar on wings like eagles"!  When we are too faint to open up the car door and move one more muscle or read one more bed time story, he gives us one huge breath and says, "lets go, I will carry you".  I love my entire life or mostly the past 14 years have been God carrying me.  Seriously.  I love that right now, we may be stressed and life my be a little sucky (that's a real word even though my computer says its not) but I know its a season and I know God has a real live USE for this time in our lives.  I love that Gods grace is so obviously present in my life as I daily try to grab the reigns.  And mostly I love that He is so sure of my strength that he would give me exactly what he has given me to bare knowing full well that I will grow and that I will look to him to carry me, even if its every day.   No, no calmness can compare to that.  I mean how boring would that be??  :)  Don't let anyone tell you Christians are boring, in fact Im pretty sure we could do a pretty amazing reality show :) 
proud to not be superwoman, 
laura