Bare Nekked Nails

Yep I said nekked.  Because this is my blog and I think it just sounds funner than naked. Yep I said funner.......
So I did my most favorite thing yesterday.  I took off my old chipping nail polish and cut all my nails short. Sounds crazy huh?! Most people would expect me to be gushing about a new manicure, which I do love don't get me wrong.  There is just something about being free of that drama on my hands.... "oops, chipped a nail!  Oh shoot my polish is coming off after only 3 days!"  I am hard on my hands and sometimes my nails just need a fresh start.  They need to feel free.
I had another favorite thing happen to me last night.  I had a spiritual awaking via my husband and a huge awareness of what has been bogging me down this last few months or so.  I will spare the details on how we got to the heart of the matter but he just asked me what was wrong and if we should talk.  After talking through some randoms he told me something he had heard and how it was so freeing to him because  it was about how sovereign God is and no matter how we think we are controlling things he is there picking up the pieces and fixing what we think we are so knowingly maneuvering.  And I was inspired by that but it also just welled up this huge sadness in me because everything I have been doing, reading, listening to me all seems like it has been guilt and burdening.  How is it he just gets to listen to something and get the result I have been actively seeking?!?!  Turns out I was harboring this feeling this burden I have had my whole life.  Although I realize I deal with the sin of Acceptance and Expectations it's like in the last 5 1/2(since kids) or so years I have let it take ahold of me again.  I just cried out that I don't know what is real anymore because I just do what I "think" I am supposed.  I read books to know how to talk to my kids, I listen to studies to learn how to have a good marriage and be a biblical wife/mother.  I try to keep up everything everyone is doing and it's like I ran out of things to do and things to read and I didn't know what to do next!! Why wouldn't anyone tell me what's next on the list?!?!   woo...breathe.....Josh said that two things came to his mind. (thank you God for being alive and present in my man) He said "Laura you are picking up your heavy cross of Acceptance and Expectations everyday you wake up.  You are carrying these burdens that your savior already died for."  I can't not cry even now thinking about how eye-opening this was for me to realize.  He went on, " You are being an amazing wife and mom, growing in what God teaches you.  You have to trust.  You have to trust that he made you exactly how he wants you to be.  If you feel more comfortable washing the floor than playing with Payton some days, then wash the floor.  Trust that our children's lives are in our sovereign God's hands".  I don't think I can truly express how freeing that was to me.  I really want to fit into a mold.  I was trying to fit into some worldly mold that I was creating in my mind to be a biblical mold of what moms do there is no freedom in that.
I have lived my life trying to make others happy, for my own acceptance.  I have tried to live up to every ones expectations, expectations not that they might have for me but any expectation I have ever heard about.
      Mathew 11:30 "For my yolk is easy, and my burden is light"  
Jesus carried these burdens to the cross for me.  Jesus's burden is the lightest easiest yolk to put on, yet I choose to pick up my own: heavy and burdensome. I not only need to be in prayer about these burden continually but I recognize that I may never on this earth conquer them. That doesn't depress me, that gives me awareness.  I think awareness is half the battle.  I have never felt so free as I do today.  Like Jesus has just knocked down brick wall around my heart.  Like He just took the heaviest backpack off my shoulders.  I want to stop re-crucifying my God day after day and accept what he did for me so I can move through life..... and feel free.

ps.  this is very appropriate for Valentines day as my husband has given me the most amazing gift of his time to talk and be honest with me.  In the most loving and encouraging way he has rebuilt my broken spirit. He didn't just tell me I "chin up your doing great!" He understood that each person struggles with different things in different ways and what one person may be able to overcome one person may struggle with and need repentance from.  May God put someone like this in each one of your lives.
pps. wow that verse is a good one huh?? that have to be my next verse tatoo ;)  Jk family members who just rolled there eyes... or am I....?!?!

Laura