day after day after day after.......

Well, Im a little scared to write this blog today.  I've been thinking all week on what I should blog about and have had quite a few ideas.  All of them I let pass and leave my mind.  Today, I've decided to stop that.  I'm just a little confused by my life.  I just started thinking this monday when Mya had to be at home with a double ear infection while I worked outside (in my salon).  I was so aware that I just must be a reeeaaaly boring mom. I had an hour break and thought it would be so nice of me to take her on a walk.  She wanted to go by her school, I said no you can't be sick then walk by your school.  She wanted to go to the playground, I said no she didn't have her snow gear on.  Dang it we were just supposed to be on a NICE WALK!!! Nothing is enough.  I just don't know how to entertain my children.  Especially lately I feel it with my oldest who is in constant need of stimuli.  I feel like we don't have time to do fun stuff(whatever that may be) and then when we do have time we sit around thinking "what do we do?".  I see postings on facebook and even venture to pinterst some days... this just causes frustration, jealousy and a little self pity. I am not good at thinking and carrying out crafty thought provoking ideas- for my kids.  I can do things myself I will give myself some credit.  So when I try to get some sympathy from other moms I usually end up talking to the craftiest of crafties and it goes something like this.  ME: "oh I just don't know what to do with my kids during the day or after school," THEM: "ya, I understand.  the other day we were bored too but then I found a piece of yarn and we decided to twist it, tape it, color it, sow it some clothes and make a doll. then we sent it to Africa because you know it just feels so good to give back, ya know????" OH YA, yep that IS a good idea if I had any clue what you were talking about.  So I just am not getting it.  For the last two days, my "days off" I do laundry do dishes randomly pretend to dust and tackle Payton.  But then its time to get Mya and she just makes me feel like I am the most boring person ever.  Why can't I feel like having kids is the most exciting adventure ever? I don't get myself.  Everyone always says its so fun to play all day and hang out and make things and play in the mud and swing.  I don't really get that.  I just sit around thinking "oh I could totally be doing something more usefull right now"  OK now before I get the comment that nothing is more useful than nurturing you children, yes, i get that.  I just thought I would enjoy it more.  So please tell me, how do other moms sit around and take pictures of them making cookies and creating things?? How does it always seem so fun at their houses.  How do you get your children to enjoy playing on their own? Bc we have oodles of barbies, doll houses, toys with bells wistles and music, yet I always have someone just following me around.  Dear Lord, do I need to turn into that person who charts out their day? Do I need to be more "A" personality? No seriously, maybe I do.  Our lives are so up in the air right now.  My husband has a job but no work, I work out of the house and in the house and the two seem  to collide and I don't know what's expected of me.  We both are "doers" and don't know how to stop and play. I hate I mean hate thinking that the reason for my overbooked life is that I need to be more organized and planned out.  I look at people in my life who are like that and it actually seems so nice but thinking of doing for myself is exhausting.  We tried doing a potty chart for Mya when she was training and I was so proud of myself for being right out of a "Parent" magazine.  She got bored with it I got bored with it and I threw it away and she didn't even notice.  Ever time I get sick of how I run my life I look at a book or magazine and try to change and it just doesn't stick.  Why won't it stick???  I know that buried in all this I am loving my kids and teaching them what God would have me teach but that does not mean my day to day is going well.
One thing for sure.  Just to update whom it may concern is that God is moving huge ways in my marriage and in my husbands life.  I have more grace more patience then I may have ever thought possible.  My husband is aching and physically feeling the pain of God removing the sin of worry and anxiety from his life.  One day I just realized that I just love this man. When you see the man you love be broken and open to God's almighty plan for his life, you get to see his heart.  I love that for once I am not the sick, laid up(even though mine was all physical) one in our marriage.  For once I can be strong for him.  I can pray and encourage and just listen.
Sooo I think I just am feeling like in every moment every second of my day is not completely filled with something I am failing.  I guess we could always be praying more, reading more, loving more, playing more.  I don't know where I got this preconceived idea that there is a mold for any family.  For goodness sakes look at my life it fits NO mold.  I think I may just be trying to be normal....