Funk is a four letter word.

wow! It has been a long time since I posted a new blog.  It has also been a long time since I FELT like posting a new blog.  I don't know what walls and barriers God is breaking down in my life so He can rebuilt fresh and anew... but it hurts.  Physically,emotionally my head just hurts.  So at the risk of posting negative babble forgetting the main reason for this blog is for me to vent my crazies.... I have avoided the blog world all together.  In fact today I was drooling over how nice a "tech free" vacation would be.  No texts, phone calls, Facebook, TV, email- just a nice beach and a book and OK my husband could come along to bring me refreshments and listen to my venting.  I actually get to see my husbands' face for more than two days in a row this upcoming week! He has been gone 4 out of the 5 last weeks and as of last week I'm more than a little sick of that life scenario.  While he's been gone there has been Halloween, school conferences, daycare lost, daycare found, a new bus schedule to set up, and the every week wed night activities and dance on Thursdays   Not to mention him on his "off" time finishing the home salon we are putting in the garage.  Which by the way is being painted this week and flooring this weekend -yeah!!  But busy feels like some sort of understatement.  My mind  almost shut down today.  Scheduling our lives, scheduling the kids lives, scheduling my clients lives and then wondering what it feels like to have that feeling of "aah done with my day time to relax" or "aah the week is over time to relax".
I really can feel my disconnection with the word of God and my relationship lately BC it has been on the back burner of my day.  A quick read while I'm at work or a verse while I'm scarfing down breakfast.  Not the nice quiet time of yesteryear.  So I sat down today after work and while I ate lunch and listened to a study.  It was so nice to sit and listen to the word of God.  I love the bible, But I run from it sometimes.  I know the truth, but I don't think it pertains to me or my life.  I am thankful for Jesus dying to save me from my sins so I may have eternal life in Heaven with him- but sometimes I don't grasp what that all entails for me while I'm still on earth.  I have felt so burdened to share the gospel with people lately.  People in need of His love.  People filling a God sized void in there life with wordly things and always coming up short.  I feel this burden yet don't know what to say.  How can God love me so much when I feel like I let him down every day I don't talk about his Saving Grace!  I'm so exhausted physically and emotionally I don't feel like this is the life I want people to think they would have as a christian yet its not this life that is the concern its our eternal lives that are well... eternal.  I CANT SAVE ANYONE.  I need to tell myself over and over each day.  I need to fill myself with his word and strength and then go out each day saying whats on my heart, unashamed of the gospel.
Over and over in the study I listened to today scripture was read of how God has given me a beautiful, plentiful land to live in.  He has given me his Word to read and learn and grow.  But am I really digesting all these things?!?! no.  I am half heartily reading, listening, and then hanging my head and barreling through my day.  I don't have the answer to this predicament today.  I don't have an answer for this funk I'm in.  All I know is that I have been given the tools to get through this I just have to use them.
I pray anyone who reads this today see the need for God's saving power and his loving mercy.  He does nothing but love us and he just gently stands at our heart door and knocks (rev. 3:20). Wanting to save us form all this stress all this worry all this stuff we think we can handle on our own. The truth is we weren't created to handle it on our own.  We are created to serve something.  Who are you serving??
Trusting in Him and Him alone,
laura