Bare Nekked Nails

Yep I said nekked.  Because this is my blog and I think it just sounds funner than naked. Yep I said funner.......
So I did my most favorite thing yesterday.  I took off my old chipping nail polish and cut all my nails short. Sounds crazy huh?! Most people would expect me to be gushing about a new manicure, which I do love don't get me wrong.  There is just something about being free of that drama on my hands.... "oops, chipped a nail!  Oh shoot my polish is coming off after only 3 days!"  I am hard on my hands and sometimes my nails just need a fresh start.  They need to feel free.
I had another favorite thing happen to me last night.  I had a spiritual awaking via my husband and a huge awareness of what has been bogging me down this last few months or so.  I will spare the details on how we got to the heart of the matter but he just asked me what was wrong and if we should talk.  After talking through some randoms he told me something he had heard and how it was so freeing to him because  it was about how sovereign God is and no matter how we think we are controlling things he is there picking up the pieces and fixing what we think we are so knowingly maneuvering.  And I was inspired by that but it also just welled up this huge sadness in me because everything I have been doing, reading, listening to me all seems like it has been guilt and burdening.  How is it he just gets to listen to something and get the result I have been actively seeking?!?!  Turns out I was harboring this feeling this burden I have had my whole life.  Although I realize I deal with the sin of Acceptance and Expectations it's like in the last 5 1/2(since kids) or so years I have let it take ahold of me again.  I just cried out that I don't know what is real anymore because I just do what I "think" I am supposed.  I read books to know how to talk to my kids, I listen to studies to learn how to have a good marriage and be a biblical wife/mother.  I try to keep up everything everyone is doing and it's like I ran out of things to do and things to read and I didn't know what to do next!! Why wouldn't anyone tell me what's next on the list?!?!   woo...breathe.....Josh said that two things came to his mind. (thank you God for being alive and present in my man) He said "Laura you are picking up your heavy cross of Acceptance and Expectations everyday you wake up.  You are carrying these burdens that your savior already died for."  I can't not cry even now thinking about how eye-opening this was for me to realize.  He went on, " You are being an amazing wife and mom, growing in what God teaches you.  You have to trust.  You have to trust that he made you exactly how he wants you to be.  If you feel more comfortable washing the floor than playing with Payton some days, then wash the floor.  Trust that our children's lives are in our sovereign God's hands".  I don't think I can truly express how freeing that was to me.  I really want to fit into a mold.  I was trying to fit into some worldly mold that I was creating in my mind to be a biblical mold of what moms do there is no freedom in that.
I have lived my life trying to make others happy, for my own acceptance.  I have tried to live up to every ones expectations, expectations not that they might have for me but any expectation I have ever heard about.
      Mathew 11:30 "For my yolk is easy, and my burden is light"  
Jesus carried these burdens to the cross for me.  Jesus's burden is the lightest easiest yolk to put on, yet I choose to pick up my own: heavy and burdensome. I not only need to be in prayer about these burden continually but I recognize that I may never on this earth conquer them. That doesn't depress me, that gives me awareness.  I think awareness is half the battle.  I have never felt so free as I do today.  Like Jesus has just knocked down brick wall around my heart.  Like He just took the heaviest backpack off my shoulders.  I want to stop re-crucifying my God day after day and accept what he did for me so I can move through life..... and feel free.

ps.  this is very appropriate for Valentines day as my husband has given me the most amazing gift of his time to talk and be honest with me.  In the most loving and encouraging way he has rebuilt my broken spirit. He didn't just tell me I "chin up your doing great!" He understood that each person struggles with different things in different ways and what one person may be able to overcome one person may struggle with and need repentance from.  May God put someone like this in each one of your lives.
pps. wow that verse is a good one huh?? that have to be my next verse tatoo ;)  Jk family members who just rolled there eyes... or am I....?!?!

Laura

day after day after day after.......

Well, Im a little scared to write this blog today.  I've been thinking all week on what I should blog about and have had quite a few ideas.  All of them I let pass and leave my mind.  Today, I've decided to stop that.  I'm just a little confused by my life.  I just started thinking this monday when Mya had to be at home with a double ear infection while I worked outside (in my salon).  I was so aware that I just must be a reeeaaaly boring mom. I had an hour break and thought it would be so nice of me to take her on a walk.  She wanted to go by her school, I said no you can't be sick then walk by your school.  She wanted to go to the playground, I said no she didn't have her snow gear on.  Dang it we were just supposed to be on a NICE WALK!!! Nothing is enough.  I just don't know how to entertain my children.  Especially lately I feel it with my oldest who is in constant need of stimuli.  I feel like we don't have time to do fun stuff(whatever that may be) and then when we do have time we sit around thinking "what do we do?".  I see postings on facebook and even venture to pinterst some days... this just causes frustration, jealousy and a little self pity. I am not good at thinking and carrying out crafty thought provoking ideas- for my kids.  I can do things myself I will give myself some credit.  So when I try to get some sympathy from other moms I usually end up talking to the craftiest of crafties and it goes something like this.  ME: "oh I just don't know what to do with my kids during the day or after school," THEM: "ya, I understand.  the other day we were bored too but then I found a piece of yarn and we decided to twist it, tape it, color it, sow it some clothes and make a doll. then we sent it to Africa because you know it just feels so good to give back, ya know????" OH YA, yep that IS a good idea if I had any clue what you were talking about.  So I just am not getting it.  For the last two days, my "days off" I do laundry do dishes randomly pretend to dust and tackle Payton.  But then its time to get Mya and she just makes me feel like I am the most boring person ever.  Why can't I feel like having kids is the most exciting adventure ever? I don't get myself.  Everyone always says its so fun to play all day and hang out and make things and play in the mud and swing.  I don't really get that.  I just sit around thinking "oh I could totally be doing something more usefull right now"  OK now before I get the comment that nothing is more useful than nurturing you children, yes, i get that.  I just thought I would enjoy it more.  So please tell me, how do other moms sit around and take pictures of them making cookies and creating things?? How does it always seem so fun at their houses.  How do you get your children to enjoy playing on their own? Bc we have oodles of barbies, doll houses, toys with bells wistles and music, yet I always have someone just following me around.  Dear Lord, do I need to turn into that person who charts out their day? Do I need to be more "A" personality? No seriously, maybe I do.  Our lives are so up in the air right now.  My husband has a job but no work, I work out of the house and in the house and the two seem  to collide and I don't know what's expected of me.  We both are "doers" and don't know how to stop and play. I hate I mean hate thinking that the reason for my overbooked life is that I need to be more organized and planned out.  I look at people in my life who are like that and it actually seems so nice but thinking of doing for myself is exhausting.  We tried doing a potty chart for Mya when she was training and I was so proud of myself for being right out of a "Parent" magazine.  She got bored with it I got bored with it and I threw it away and she didn't even notice.  Ever time I get sick of how I run my life I look at a book or magazine and try to change and it just doesn't stick.  Why won't it stick???  I know that buried in all this I am loving my kids and teaching them what God would have me teach but that does not mean my day to day is going well.
One thing for sure.  Just to update whom it may concern is that God is moving huge ways in my marriage and in my husbands life.  I have more grace more patience then I may have ever thought possible.  My husband is aching and physically feeling the pain of God removing the sin of worry and anxiety from his life.  One day I just realized that I just love this man. When you see the man you love be broken and open to God's almighty plan for his life, you get to see his heart.  I love that for once I am not the sick, laid up(even though mine was all physical) one in our marriage.  For once I can be strong for him.  I can pray and encourage and just listen.
Sooo I think I just am feeling like in every moment every second of my day is not completely filled with something I am failing.  I guess we could always be praying more, reading more, loving more, playing more.  I don't know where I got this preconceived idea that there is a mold for any family.  For goodness sakes look at my life it fits NO mold.  I think I may just be trying to be normal....

its a duet!!

Well my husband said I could use something from his journal this morning to blog about.  Low and behold my devotion verse goes right along with it.  He has been doing a lot of reading and journaling lately as we in a season unknown right now with his business.  Never in his career has he been without 1,2, or 3 projects at a time.  And now there is nothing ahead.  TRUST.  This is a word we are learning well.  But not even just that we are trying to adjust to a life with him home more.  This sounds mean, huh?  It's not meant to be.  He has been out of town working weekdays for 2 months and went from that to him home more frequently.  When your slightly, yep I said just slightly, stubborn as myself you tend to get into a routine- an independent routine.  And when you are slightly, yep just slightly, a workhorse like he is you tend to get into a work routine- an independent one.  Do you see the problem??  It's like we are just moving from survival mode to survival mode.  Thrown under water and expected to hold are breath then rushed out and you better quick breathe because you are going to be thrown under again.  But both of us see this as a time of personal reflection on our own lives, our own sin, and how we can glorify God in this time.  We know his plan is so much greater than a prosperous business and a perfect home.  Now onto my original point, because I did have one.
 from josh's journal: a quote from a book he's reading  "the health and wealth gospel is fundamentally flawed because it fails to understand the cross of Jesus.  It fails to recognize that the cross was not only an instrument of torture on which God's son died, it's also the pattern to which are lives must be conformed."  My(josh) reflection to this is that my current trials and tribulations of this world are considered to be sufferings- they are in every way a spiritual battle between flesh and spirit (good and evil) to present humility by casting my eyes upon Jesus who humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death even the torturous death on a cross. Phil 2:8  
Likewise did Job not suffer?! God gave satan unleashed  power to torment Job to a point of all but death.  This indeed is a spiritual battle and is the battle that we face each day as Christians.  Jesus said you must pick up your cross and follow him.  Math 10:38
In conclusion to this I have been lead to believe...... all things endured: trials, tribulations and sufferings should be pursued with great passion to further Gods' kingdom.  That HE might be exalted upon his throne, bringing glory and honor to his name (ps. 148:13) Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess, that Jesus Christ is Lord!! with his mighty hands The Lord sustains all things, The Lord gives all things, and The Lord takes all things.  You alone, oh God, are the perfect Creator: righteous, holy, just and good!!!!
We started our week this week finding out that one of our dear friends marriage is being ripped apart and lives being broken by sin.  Realizing that the dark shade of sin can be so deceiving.  Satan can use the idea of "living and proclaiming" a "christian" life as the most painful way to break a family apart.  Every day we need thankful that only by Gods hand are we saved from what can be a dark pit of lies, addiction, and all fleshly desires that so easily en capture us.  Then, not take for granted that hand that is reached out to us and meditate on his word and make sure our path is lined up with that of the cross.
 Mathew7:13-14  "Enter through the narrow gate.  For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.  But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."
"the gate is small because truth guards the entrance.  The way is narrow because the Lord protects us with wise boundaries." Charles Stanley

will you pick up your cross and allow God to fight this spiritual battle?? will you be one of the few who take the narrow road? the road that leads to freedom from sin, an eternal home in heaven and a God who is unchanging, just, loving and holy.

May God bless your day and you think on these things as I do......
laura (and josh!)