Get me outta this mall!!!!

Proverbs 4: 23
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (emphasis mine)

So I am praying for my husband this morning and this verse is on the list (of 31 days of praying for your husband). And it strikes me as I read the commentary is talking on our hearts, that God created for love and desire, but we need to make sure those desires and affections push us in the right direction and not lead us into sin. We need to keep our eyes forward and not get sidetracked on detours that lead us down the wrong path. So here's an example.
So I when I go shopping for clothes I may really need, I get into the mall and all around me is all my insecurities in flashing lights. Women nicely dressed, trendy clothes, shopping bags in tow. Mannequins staring at me in the latest fashion, different than what I just saw in the magazine bc now they have changed. Sales flashing but in reality all the newest styles priced above average. And when I walk into the store I don't feel happy, I feel overwhelmed and depressed. I literally have to start in one corner and move through the store not jumping around too much and keeping my eyes on one thing at a time. Then when out of the corner of my eye I look across the hall to another store and see a cute outfit in the window and think "maybe thats the outfit that will finally make me feel 'up to par' " its really never enough bc once i get an outfit im depressed I don't have shoes or accessories. And then i leave the store and see someone in something better and again I don't feel happy about my purchase I feel like I need to keep going. Then I talk to one of my friends who says they just got this great 30% of a 30% sale so they got a shirt for 4$ and then I feel guilty. I just spent 100$ and feel exhausted but in reality I should've looked around more for sales...........
This may sound crazy to those who don't have this sort of self- esteem issue but maybe can relate in another way. But here is my point, I know i struggle with this. I know look at shopping different. I can't randomly shop, it has to be purposeful. I can't run into target for toilet paper and quick look at dresses. It engulfs my time and my energy. I am protecting my heart from sin. From that feeling of anxiety, from feeling under provided for and then feeling guilty for giving into the temptation of basing my everything on what others think of me. And now with my daughter, being sooo careful I don't impose my insecurities on to her. Yes, she likes shopping and picking out clothes, but what if one day she doesn't? or wants something not trendy. I truly battle mornings when she comes out in something less cute than I know she can wear, and not saying anything. "God protect my mouth from saying anything to my beautiful daughter!" and then I can see it.... and I can grow/learn. Now, I just have to be able to protect myself from my own thoughts :) GAURD your hearts. Relationships that are unhealthy, work that is unsatisfying and unessary, even church related activities that are overwhelming or guilt ridden. As a women differentiating things that are God given passions of mine that keep me on the right path and then desires that just fulfill "self" is a blurry line sometimes. So this verse is my prayer not just for my husband today but for myself and for anyone reading this. Are we more afraid of other people's opinions? or are we doing things to stay on Gods path and feel his fulfillment?

Ok so seriously though if I start just like wearing holey sweatpants and tshirts will someone intervene and be my shopping buddy so Im not afraid!?! ;0) Isn't it funny how the things you perceive someone may have under complete control is their one insecurity.......

Let God be your protector, and let him guard you heart and guide your path,
Laura

too many thoughts.... must blog now!!!

(i don't have time to grammer check this so good luck!!)well I wasn't going to write this morning but i feel i need to get this stuff out that is bogging my mind. I was such a Debbie Downer yesterday, one of those mornings. first off no sleep which never starts your day right. Charles Stanley said beware and H.A.L.T (maybe he didn't invent it but that's where i heard it) beware of lurking temptation when you are H-ungery A-angy L-onely T-ired. After i read it i was like "ok when am i NOT hungry angry lonely or tired?!?!" anyway, a crabby sick teething 15 month old seemed to not sleep much and also a sick 5 yr old with allergies coughing all night and then up early. meltdowns at hyvee trying to get a few errands done in 110 degree humidity- all leads to hopeless thoughts on my end.


Sometimes I just get so tired of false hopes. So this week i started at the gym again since my month of from sickness, allergy break out and yes, my staph infection boil(which by the way... still not gone, its like my new appendage) so i work out just running no big deal, eat fairly well, much better during the day not super at night but still better, and yep... gained 3 pounds. Seriously if anyone tells me im gaining muscle i'll jump through the computer, bc thats what my husband has said to me and now he won't say that again :) then im exhausted and think oh for once i'll take a nap bc i think both kids should nap: one is asleep in car, one will fall asleep when we get home. nope, 5 yr old settled and sleeping then the baby wakes up and cries for and hour. maybe longer. ok shrug it off, well once i get moving and everyone is up things start to turn around and we made some food and then i was off to work, im not gonna lie, i was a little excited i had to work!


but heres my false promises problem. when you are in the doctor realm most of your life you get really negative when people promise you fixes and the things is the other guy offers you his just as strongly. aaahhhh how do you know!? Now we are trying to deal with my daughters allergies and I know we can do it, but after a year and lots of money, of one thing we are on to the next. My husband said this to me "you always get so excited about things and then are so let down" OK now later he realized that that was a little harsh :) but here's' what i've learned about myself: you know, i am happy with how God made me. I do get passionate about things, it gets things going I just need to not have my expectations too high for worldly things. And I am a women, yes that should've been obvious, but I think i am realizing that is more than external and embracing the emotions and desires in my heart.
I am slowly being torn from my old staples of cute clothes, high heeled shoes, purse shopping and trendy hair. That doesn't mean I wont still enjoy those things I think that God blesses us with hobbies, but not for us to confuse them with passions or idols. So right now, my boil, my extra flabby arms, my flat orthopedic shoes, my old clothes, and WAAAITT i just got a new purse for my birthday!!! see?!?! im slowly coming out of it!! oh i new writing this blog this morning would help separate my thoughts:) i just read that last line and its sounds superficial but i think thats ok bc everything in this earth is superficial. God meets ALL my expectations, he fills my love tank FULL, he NEVER has false promises! my itching ears may want to some days hear what this world has to say and think its truth but if its not in the bible if its not from Gods lips to my heart its not worth getting my hopes up. Heaven, heaven is worth getting my hopes up!!!! ok off to my day! even though we(my daughter) did the nebulizer this morning at 6am i still went to the gym for 1/2 hour which normally i would give up, not go to gym and eat bad all day, nope not today :)