unbelief

Well it is 2012 now so I suppose I should give in and finally write a new post!!  I was watching Toddlers and Tiaras last night, yep I said it, and something hit me.  When Josh is out of town and I'm channel surfing and turn past crazy moms dressing their children as 30 yr olds as they scream with resistance, I can't change the channel.  Anyway, I heard something today that reminded me of this profound statement made by one mom.  This mom was freaking out on her daughter if she did anything wrong and in the end her daughter won some big title and she said "well I guess sometimes we are just too critical of ourselves.  But that's good it just means we are humble and want to strive to do better next time" meanwhile the daughter is saying in her interview she wants to take a loooong break from pageants, Im sure her mom was busy writing their names on the next sign up sheet.  Point is, she was being anything but humble.  And today I heard a speaker say that insecurity is not a weakness it is unbelief.  Unbelief that God is who He says He is and that He made us for the purpose He says He did.  How often do we see our lives, portray our feelings for things other than what they truly are.

I have been living in unbelief for some time now.  I have been hiding out instead of reaching out.  This has been the longest, loneliness two weeks I've had in a long time and Im really sick of avoiding it.  A quick recap of my christmas "break" is as follows.  Trip to the cities with family:first two days good, but hectic. next night I get the flu- always a bug that scares us because it does some serious damage to my 1/2 missing intestines.  Two days later I have a small surgery at the podiatrist on my foot because I need it done and its the end of the year so of course deductibles are met and I have time off work.  After limping around and sitting around for two days I am unable to sleep,lay or sit comfortably because my back is spasming and hurting which in turn makes me nauseous and bloated for some reason.  Now at this time Josh is back at work and the kids and I are in Watertown so the grandmas can help with the kiddos.  Yes this is nice they can help and yes this hits my self-esteem below the belt- as I lay worthlessly on the couch.  Now the next weekend comes (new years) and Im beyond pain and calling the doctor for med reinforcement.  So I celebrated new years on muscle relaxers and pain pills.  Monday:josh back to watertown and me back to work.... on meds.  Again my mother in law is here helping with kids.  I think I feel fine but stop taking meds because I can't even focus and start feeling dizzy and now I need to care for my children by myself.  today, pain again in my back.  I lasted two errands this morning and then on the couch the remainder of time until I go pick up kids in 20 min.  

All that said I am here now processing all my thoughts and all theses happenings.  I keep thinking if I could just read a good spiritual book, if I could just do some awesome parenting or activities with my kids, if I could just go to a conference to fill me with joy.... and I can't.  But the sad part to me is not that I physically can't, I could, I just don't think it would give me what Im desiring.  I don't know what Im desiring I don't see God's plan for me.  I don't see his plan for our family.  I don't see the importance of me working three days on meds and then only having energy or ability to watch a show or read a book with my kids.  The meaning of only picking up my child one day and then suffering the pain the next day.  Trying to save money on gas as my husband takes my car to a job 90 miles away and then my killing my body getting into his huge truck. (thats actually kinda funny its ok if you laugh).  I don't see how I can throw my arms into the air and say "to God be the glory" when I see now honor in how I feel.  I feel secluded and burdened and sad.  Even if I woke up tomorrow 100% how would I respond?! Is my faith only situational?!?  Would parenting still scare me, would I overburden myself with to do lists, would I worry about food nutrition and how I look? probably. that's what I want to be free of.  

I read in devotional yesterday that to live in Christ we need to die to self.  Please, please God show me how to do that.  

laura