Hi my name is Laura and I am an "overbear-er"

Well I think I just need to write a little blog to the overbearing mothers out there today.  This weekend God has laid on my heart my own words and actions.  It's kinda like sitting outside your body and listening to the words you say.  The other night Mya was cutting her pizza and 3 times I corrected her and (in my mind) tried to help her do it an "easier" way, or in other words, my way.  She wasn't crying in frustration, asking for help, or starving from lack of food as she failed to get it in her mouth.  Nope I just felt the need to instruct and the need to make things "better" for her. Then I heard myself on the third time of helping her and I audibly blurted out "UGH I am so annoying!!!!! Mya I am so sorry honey you are doing a fine job at cutting your pizza and I'm sorry I always think you need my instruction.  You are so smart and are such a big girl."
So let me back up.  As you may have seen in my blogs I do struggle with my "mommy-hood". I wonder if I'm any good at it, I wonder if it's "working", I wonder if I am learning and obeying what God wants me to do and what He how he wants me to be.  I have been praying myself through many situations these past few weeks and then I had a particular incident this Sat.  It's like I kept praying for Mya's heart and that she would change and although I still know she needs to recognize her need for a savior, I see now that as our role as parents God can change us through OUR need for change and growth in Him.  Ok so bare with me this may seem like not that big of a deal but sometimes God can use small situations to make a big impact.  So we were at a dance competition on Sat and as to reduce fighting and stress I purchased a hair piece to put over her bun so we could just put it in quick and have an easy curly pony tail.  So during her second song she did a jump and flipped her fabulous pony and off it fell onto the floor.  Thankfully I was sitting in the "take a good picture" area and just smiled big and mouthed "its OK just keep going, no big deal no big deal" she looked horrified and like tears were on the verge of her sensitive little soul.  Then she put on a huge (fake) smile and kept dancing.  She just kept looking at me and then putting on that smile and she never really found her "moves" again but she sure tried. Then the music ended and she ran over to me and burst into silents tears.  Immediately I told her how proud I was of her and how she handled her self so well and she did her best.  Her amazing dance coach came over, hugged her, told her how good she did and she was so proud of how she kept going.  This gave me a feeling I haven't felt in a long time, maybe never have.  She was so grown up, yet she needed me to just be there.  She needed me to just hug her and say its ok.  Even though I wasn't out there with her she knew she should keep going and get through the dance.  And I just had this light shine down on me moment.  The rest of the day I just said "yes" more to silly things that are no big deal, I let her play around more and not worry about her bothering people, I gave into moments of arguing.  This isn't one of those, "oh you only live once moments" or "oh time flies when your kids are young just let them have fun" moments.  I truly hover over my oldest child like if I don't make sure every moment of her life I exactly how it should be I will be a failure.  The last 48 hours have been of me truly looking at each situation as it is and deciding if its a battle worth fighting.  It is so important for my children to be able to have respect for the important issues I need to talk to them about.  I feel like with my daughter we can butt heads so many times that the minute I open my mouth her guard goes up and she doesn't want to hear what I have to say.  I feel like even in 48 hours that has changed.
Now tomorrow morning I will write a blog on a new parental issue.  But for now this was just on my heart.  I let all the "how to's" "what not to do's" make my emotional loving connection with my daughter turn to one of those ruler snapping "don't you dare" relationships.
And to those of you knowing my mind and my blogs here is how this is relating to my relationship with Christ.  He is the PERFECT father who is always standing on the sidelines waiting for me to run to him and just cry when I need to.  He also lovingly corrects me when I am wrong and disciplines me to strengthen me heart for Him.  He is NOT a ruler snapper who one day says "you did amazing today, I love you!" and the next day "you really messed up today, Im not talking to you until you do better and I'm certainly not showing you any affection."  He has given me his gift of grace and that is NOT because I was perfect NOT because I never screwed up and NOT because already knew everything I needed to know. All the opposite is true.
So now to let this all settle and to continue to remember it.   I will continue to pray for wisdom.  And I encourage you to look at every situation big or small as a teachable moment, and not just for your children ;)
laura (ps i know my blog is visually boring bc i just don't take a lot of pictures! also this blog thing is completely self taught on my part and I don't know how to do anything on here!!! and don't have time to mess around with it. So if you reeeaaaaly want to you can give me some (loving /gentle) advice.

A little fresh air

I never thought I had a misunderstanding of Jesus' love for me.  Until today.  You see I keep reading the word, reading excerpts, trying to pray and it just all seems to go right through my head and right past my heart, which is a different route than through my heart.  I have developed the perception that in order to have direction, strength and love from him I must preform.  I always SAY that I understand how we can not earn our way to heaven, that Jesus did that for us.  But do I understand that's more than DOING its thinking.  Let me explain.... It was shown to me yesterday that I must truly rely on Him to raise my children.  Mostly my strong willed daughter.  (for now, we'll see what the years bring for my little buster of 21 months).  You see I don't remember myself EVER being so independent as a child.  I'm pretty sure I got one spanking in my life and maybe a few disappointed glares.  Now, all that changed in high school so I was just preparing myself that I had 10 more years until the real "hunker-down" parenting would begin.  So yesterday (and for some time now) we began a battle and initially I prayed God would let me emotions be to the side and I would act like a parent and not a friend.  I stood firm and was graceful doing so, it was a battle and it ended long before bed so we had some peaceful time before bed... great, right? No, because I felt overwhelmed and beaten down.  I felt I poked the bear a little too much and probably over parented/corrected some. I felt like a failure because my daughter was not changed.  Apparently I feel that's my job. It's not, it's Gods.  So here are some thoughts that ran through my head last night, that of course I'm a little embarrassed to print.  "okay so maybe God doesn't even help me because maybe I don't believe enough"  "what is this life I have? why do I have these challenges? Is this seriously what the rest of my life looks like?"  " God, why don't I feel you near? God, why do I read and not understand?" "God, why don't you change these things wrong with ME so that I can parent the way you want me too?"
So, now its morning.  I had a nice talk with my husband who loving showed me some things about my own personality that butts heads with my daughters.  And he assured me of the things I said and did pointed Mya's heart to God and it will be in His time that He chooses to use those things to change her.   So I gave up, I mean seriously I gave up.  I woke up this morning realizing Christ in no way love me because of performance.  How I parent how I love how I act is no matter, how I rely on his and lead my life is.   ready for my devo today???
      Proverbs 2:1-7
 ¹ My son, if you accept my words 
   and store up my commands within you, 
² turning your ear to wisdom 
   and applying your heart to understanding— 
³ indeed, if you call out for insight 
   and cry aloud for understanding, 
⁴ and if you look for it as for silver 
   and search for it as for hidden treasure, 
⁵ then you will understand the fear of the LORD 
   and find the knowledge of God. 
⁶ For the LORD gives wisdom; 
   from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. 
⁷ He holds success in store for the upright, 
   he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,
So before I read this I prayed I would understand these words and take whatever it was to heart.  If you cry out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, you will find the knowledge of God. Here's the part people tend to leave out... he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless. Does that mean you have to be perfect? here is what the word UPRIGHT means:" those who are believers, who seek to know, love, and obey God and to live righteously.  These covenant keepers alone can know wisdom and experience Gods' protection".(john macarthur's commentary)  I looked this up for my own good and I am saying this to myself and to those who are believers in Gods saving grace through his son Jesus "I AM A BELIEVER AND I CAN KNOW WISDOM AND EXPERIENCE GODS PROTECTION"   This world has made having a relationship with God so complicated.  When he offers peace, knowledge, and protection all we have to do is obey and seek.... and when we try to do do do he feels farther and farther away.  
I can't say this is the end of my journey.  That now I get it and will never battle this again.  But I am on my way to understanding.  I get it.  I get it God, that my time is not invested in you.  I am not seeking your knowledge, the one true knowledge that can deliver me from all these things.  
May God speak to your heart where you need it the most.
Thank you for taking this journey with me.
Laura

Recognize, Repent, Remove

Well this should be a quick post.  I just needed to update and hopefully get back into the habit of posting more as it has proven time and time again to be very cleansing for my soul.  I was driving to the gym this morning, for the first time since before Christmas, and I was so nervous.  Very emotional very sad that I had to feel like I was starting over once again at feeling well.  Nervous I would make a fool of myself at how weak my body is after 2 1/2 weeks of not doing anything and of course, since I was emotionally "bummed" by all this drama, my eating wasn't the greatest either.  So I knew I would hear some wrath from my trainer as well.  But dang it- I did it.  I didn't back out I just went.  And yes I had to sit on the bike instead of jump on a treadmill and run, and yes I was winded doing half of what he normally makes me do, but I did it.  It's like a hurdle... that day on the calendar that event or anything you dread, once you do it- its not that bad and its amazing to be done.
Of course I relate this to my spiritual journey and how God is constantly reminding me of His presence in my life.  Once I give into to what God is trying to pull me out of, its amazing and its truthful and it heals me.  When I was going through cancer and surgeries I would reach low points at the end of each surgery "down time".  I would block God out of my daily life bc I just wanted to wallow in my sadness.  And lately this past month especially that is how I feel.  I have this knot in my stomach this aching feeling the kind that any wrong song on the radio and wrong comment from a friend or family member and you tear up kind of knot.  I wasn't using my resources God has given me, I wasn't letting him have my sin.  I know sin is such a "hot topic" word and people relate it to dramatic wrongs but truthfully and through scripture we see it can be a little as being selfish(making ourselves a god) or thinking worthless thoughts or angry thoughts towards people blaming them for how we feel.  And I just know, mostly from experience that this is the welled up matter in my soul right now.  I'm slowly recognizing, repenting, and letting Him remove it from my life.
God does not promise this as a Christian, a follower of Christ, to be easy.  He will continually be growing me in Him.  And just like I have to discipline my children out of love so they can be healthy and happy and strong, so He does for me.  I am a stronger person I ever was.  I love my God more and more every day.  I see how amazing and solid and true the bible is.  I recognize my need more and more through these situations to call on Him DAILY.  And the most important thing I love is that no matter how down I get my eternal hope is never wavered and that is my strength to go one more day.
Laura

unbelief

Well it is 2012 now so I suppose I should give in and finally write a new post!!  I was watching Toddlers and Tiaras last night, yep I said it, and something hit me.  When Josh is out of town and I'm channel surfing and turn past crazy moms dressing their children as 30 yr olds as they scream with resistance, I can't change the channel.  Anyway, I heard something today that reminded me of this profound statement made by one mom.  This mom was freaking out on her daughter if she did anything wrong and in the end her daughter won some big title and she said "well I guess sometimes we are just too critical of ourselves.  But that's good it just means we are humble and want to strive to do better next time" meanwhile the daughter is saying in her interview she wants to take a loooong break from pageants, Im sure her mom was busy writing their names on the next sign up sheet.  Point is, she was being anything but humble.  And today I heard a speaker say that insecurity is not a weakness it is unbelief.  Unbelief that God is who He says He is and that He made us for the purpose He says He did.  How often do we see our lives, portray our feelings for things other than what they truly are.

I have been living in unbelief for some time now.  I have been hiding out instead of reaching out.  This has been the longest, loneliness two weeks I've had in a long time and Im really sick of avoiding it.  A quick recap of my christmas "break" is as follows.  Trip to the cities with family:first two days good, but hectic. next night I get the flu- always a bug that scares us because it does some serious damage to my 1/2 missing intestines.  Two days later I have a small surgery at the podiatrist on my foot because I need it done and its the end of the year so of course deductibles are met and I have time off work.  After limping around and sitting around for two days I am unable to sleep,lay or sit comfortably because my back is spasming and hurting which in turn makes me nauseous and bloated for some reason.  Now at this time Josh is back at work and the kids and I are in Watertown so the grandmas can help with the kiddos.  Yes this is nice they can help and yes this hits my self-esteem below the belt- as I lay worthlessly on the couch.  Now the next weekend comes (new years) and Im beyond pain and calling the doctor for med reinforcement.  So I celebrated new years on muscle relaxers and pain pills.  Monday:josh back to watertown and me back to work.... on meds.  Again my mother in law is here helping with kids.  I think I feel fine but stop taking meds because I can't even focus and start feeling dizzy and now I need to care for my children by myself.  today, pain again in my back.  I lasted two errands this morning and then on the couch the remainder of time until I go pick up kids in 20 min.  

All that said I am here now processing all my thoughts and all theses happenings.  I keep thinking if I could just read a good spiritual book, if I could just do some awesome parenting or activities with my kids, if I could just go to a conference to fill me with joy.... and I can't.  But the sad part to me is not that I physically can't, I could, I just don't think it would give me what Im desiring.  I don't know what Im desiring I don't see God's plan for me.  I don't see his plan for our family.  I don't see the importance of me working three days on meds and then only having energy or ability to watch a show or read a book with my kids.  The meaning of only picking up my child one day and then suffering the pain the next day.  Trying to save money on gas as my husband takes my car to a job 90 miles away and then my killing my body getting into his huge truck. (thats actually kinda funny its ok if you laugh).  I don't see how I can throw my arms into the air and say "to God be the glory" when I see now honor in how I feel.  I feel secluded and burdened and sad.  Even if I woke up tomorrow 100% how would I respond?! Is my faith only situational?!?  Would parenting still scare me, would I overburden myself with to do lists, would I worry about food nutrition and how I look? probably. that's what I want to be free of.  

I read in devotional yesterday that to live in Christ we need to die to self.  Please, please God show me how to do that.  

laura