Going into this today I don't really know what I'm going to title this nor do I know the content. I do know I have so time and I think I need to write(type)(vent). I'm going on week 3 of a back injury and am feeling quite frustrated. Mostly because now from my on and off hydrocodone usage I am having horrible stomach cramping. This was always a problem for me after surgeries. Double edged sword bc the surgeries to get me colon working and pain killers slow it down but I needed to take it. Now I have a hard time restricting myself (from activity) and trying to decide my REAL pain level and what I should and shouldn't being doing. Basically I take a pill to get through the rest of my work day and then on to my kids coming home, supper, bedtime, being able to smile at them once or twice...basic stuff.
"oh laura! what did you do to your back?" "fall down stairs?? get hit by a car?? get tackled by a football player?? go hiking and strained something pulling yourself up that last cliff??" No my friends none of those, I was (drum roll please) picking up a laundry basket. Oh yes, laundry is evil :) Well actually my body is evil and cancer is evil and having my low back be super weak and muscles being cut in my core multiple times is evil. This is now the second time this has happened. Last time I was picking up Payton, again not something I can avoid. So three bulging discs later here I am.
The thing is now is just making my brain think rationally. I just got off a website for young colon cancer survivors and instead of it making me feel better, I just got overwhelmed. Kinda like I'm so sick of hearing about it why would I want to surround myself with it. I do wish I knew someone with similar issues.... but wait I do. All our bodies are so broken. I have so many friends with broken-ness in their lives right now. Maybe that's why I don't want to be around colon stories I want to be around "life" stories.
A depression has definitely set in our home. You know when you hear of things coming in waves? Sometimes it's trials, sometimes it's Gods' grace. Well each trial wave that has hit us for two years+ feels like it only went down to bring back more power. So now the good times: the day of health, a day of happiness, the children laughing, the quietness of a house, or for me the brief moment of truly feeling God through worship or reading- are instantly dampened by the fact that no matter what there is a wave coming to hit. My husband feels it, I feel it.
Seasons. God knows we are having this season. God is in charge of this season. God willed this season. Why in the world would that make me think he loves me? Why would I cry out to him for a break and He would hit me with a wave?? I can't answer that with an amazing biblical reference right now. Well I could, but then I would feel bad bc I don't feel it in my heart. I do know that knowing My God is in complete control of this mess makes me do nothing less than throw myself at his mercy. I know He's keeping me afloat. I know He's protecting me from so much more than I can imagine and not only that He's using this sinful broken body of mine for some purpose- I just don't see it.
I decided this this morning. Being a christian is not for the weak minded/heart. I am very tired of the health and wealth gospel because it in fact defiles the very purpose of Jesus dying on the cross. That he would tragically give up his life so that we could FEEL comfortable about ourselves. No, being a christian is about reading your bible even when you don't feel like it because you know with your every fiber it is t.r.u.t.h. It's crying out to God one minute that you don't understand why, why, why and the next minute thanking him for feeling his love when all else and failed. It's singing a praise song and feeling so moved by the holy spirit and the next minute get hit so hard with reality of your world around you that you feel physically unable go on. It's getting hit with wave after wave after wave, sometimes for 14 years, and somehow someway His face shines while your under the water saying" I don't want to go back up for air" and he lifts you out and says "my grace is sufficient. my rod and staff will comfort and guide you. my strength will uphold all your weaknesses and you will go on"
so i guess that is what my blog is about today
I am blessed beyond measure by all the help we have received and unlimited prayer. we do feel it, thank you
~laura
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Friday, April 12, 2013
I am Not a Strong Black Woman
I know that the title of my post may not come as a surprise to you :) I can't stop thinking about this phrase lately so I decided I should revisit this whole blogging adventure and put some thoughts out there. This is probably mostly a adoptive blog post but who knows maybe others can relate or understand as well.
I often thought to myself when Mya was younger that I really just wished I could be a strong black mom for her. Truly I meant this to my core. I heard an African mom in Target one day say in a beautiful accented strong tone to her daughter "if you choose to take to heart everything everyone says about you than you will become exactly what they think of you" (or something to that affect this was about 3 years ago). Aww dang it, why don't I think of those things. It was something about the dialect, the tone in her voice. It wasn't condescending baby talk nor did it have any question. The woman didn't add any extra positive words of affirmation or wait for a response. She just stated it as fact and moved on with her shopping list. Then I saw the move "The Help" of course you remember "you is kind. you is smart. you is important" YES those are very good direct things to say to a child first thing in the morning. Most my mornings I start of by saying "seriously? it's not even 7 why are you up?"
Immediately since Mya's birth I started comparing to myself to how a black women sounded and talked to there children because I thought that is what she needed in her life. This continued when we adopted Payton and we were in Louisiana for 14 days. There was easily accessible hair gel on every corner, a kind smile in every store, and lots of beautiful children running around for me to access how uptight and caucasion I truly felt. Let me stop right here completely admit that I am totally stereotyping a group of people. I'm pretty sure I'm not being racist, but maybe against white people so I'm sorry if you think that. However, josh, my husband is white and well, he's an ok guy so I don't dislike ALL white people ;) I digress. I just started in the past couple of weeks realizing how I have held this over my head for almost 7 years now.
I want Mya to embrace her hair, her thick thick thick, curly hair. I feel I have failed if she doesn't. So every time she tells me she wants it straight I wince a little and feel I've failed. Then every morning I pull out my own straightener and continue to straighten my curly hair. When she doesn't do what she needs to take care of her skin I feel exhausted from from reminding her so much and feel I've failed. When she acts like every other girl, does what every one else does and follows a crowd I feel I've failed her. Are you catching on to what sounds like every other mom you have heard talk about her daughter?? Ya, me too.
This is what has hit me. I am a women who will never know what it is like to have a biological child. I don't know what comes from the adoption realm and what comes from "kids being kids" realm. For someone to say to me "oh that's just every child" makes me reel in anger inside. Belittling the fact that we have a blended family whose children will always have some small part of their hearts missing. This should not be focused on nor ignored. God can only fill that void, for both of us. I will always have to fight the sinful thought of what if their birth families could have done it better, they will never NOT have other people out there who they have some sort of connection with. No one wants to know they were given up and every day I am reminded by looking at my children that I was not the one to carry and bond with them for 9 months, talk to them, sing to them and prepare for them. For some reason I feel like I am not loving them enough or teaching them enough or making them be who God wants them to be.... and that's were I stop.
God has created me. God has created them. God has created me, very purposefully to be their mom.
Why would God choose this white women to mother these two beautiful brown babies? I do not know. I do know Isaiah 55 says "my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither my ways like your ways, declares the LORD". THANKfully!! This gives me comfort in knowing that in my complete lack of ignorance God has all the knowledge. In my prejudice God has complete equality. In my questioning and guilt God has truth and love.
Maybe just maybe I am learning how exactly RIGHT the fit is in this family instead of how misshapen it is. I always knew my kids were great but I am learning how great they are as my children. I am learning that my knowledge my life experience may be exactly what they need. I'm learning that the job that God has given us to raise these children to learn who He is and to make sure the narrow path of truth is brought into their vision line is far more important than strong statements and perfectly braided hair. God help me as I continually let this world blur my vision.
Laura
I often thought to myself when Mya was younger that I really just wished I could be a strong black mom for her. Truly I meant this to my core. I heard an African mom in Target one day say in a beautiful accented strong tone to her daughter "if you choose to take to heart everything everyone says about you than you will become exactly what they think of you" (or something to that affect this was about 3 years ago). Aww dang it, why don't I think of those things. It was something about the dialect, the tone in her voice. It wasn't condescending baby talk nor did it have any question. The woman didn't add any extra positive words of affirmation or wait for a response. She just stated it as fact and moved on with her shopping list. Then I saw the move "The Help" of course you remember "you is kind. you is smart. you is important" YES those are very good direct things to say to a child first thing in the morning. Most my mornings I start of by saying "seriously? it's not even 7 why are you up?"
Immediately since Mya's birth I started comparing to myself to how a black women sounded and talked to there children because I thought that is what she needed in her life. This continued when we adopted Payton and we were in Louisiana for 14 days. There was easily accessible hair gel on every corner, a kind smile in every store, and lots of beautiful children running around for me to access how uptight and caucasion I truly felt. Let me stop right here completely admit that I am totally stereotyping a group of people. I'm pretty sure I'm not being racist, but maybe against white people so I'm sorry if you think that. However, josh, my husband is white and well, he's an ok guy so I don't dislike ALL white people ;) I digress. I just started in the past couple of weeks realizing how I have held this over my head for almost 7 years now.
I want Mya to embrace her hair, her thick thick thick, curly hair. I feel I have failed if she doesn't. So every time she tells me she wants it straight I wince a little and feel I've failed. Then every morning I pull out my own straightener and continue to straighten my curly hair. When she doesn't do what she needs to take care of her skin I feel exhausted from from reminding her so much and feel I've failed. When she acts like every other girl, does what every one else does and follows a crowd I feel I've failed her. Are you catching on to what sounds like every other mom you have heard talk about her daughter?? Ya, me too.
This is what has hit me. I am a women who will never know what it is like to have a biological child. I don't know what comes from the adoption realm and what comes from "kids being kids" realm. For someone to say to me "oh that's just every child" makes me reel in anger inside. Belittling the fact that we have a blended family whose children will always have some small part of their hearts missing. This should not be focused on nor ignored. God can only fill that void, for both of us. I will always have to fight the sinful thought of what if their birth families could have done it better, they will never NOT have other people out there who they have some sort of connection with. No one wants to know they were given up and every day I am reminded by looking at my children that I was not the one to carry and bond with them for 9 months, talk to them, sing to them and prepare for them. For some reason I feel like I am not loving them enough or teaching them enough or making them be who God wants them to be.... and that's were I stop.
God has created me. God has created them. God has created me, very purposefully to be their mom.
Why would God choose this white women to mother these two beautiful brown babies? I do not know. I do know Isaiah 55 says "my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither my ways like your ways, declares the LORD". THANKfully!! This gives me comfort in knowing that in my complete lack of ignorance God has all the knowledge. In my prejudice God has complete equality. In my questioning and guilt God has truth and love.
Maybe just maybe I am learning how exactly RIGHT the fit is in this family instead of how misshapen it is. I always knew my kids were great but I am learning how great they are as my children. I am learning that my knowledge my life experience may be exactly what they need. I'm learning that the job that God has given us to raise these children to learn who He is and to make sure the narrow path of truth is brought into their vision line is far more important than strong statements and perfectly braided hair. God help me as I continually let this world blur my vision.
Laura
Monday, November 26, 2012
Clearing the fog before Christmas
OH hello friends :) Oddly enough I have this day that is being rocked and moved by this crazy world, but as I try to focus my circumstances not on this world but God- I am choosing to see my: cancelling work appointments, late sleeping son and husband and well mannered, on time, ready for school daughter as a gift from him to glorify HIM. Also thank God for supplements and Juice Plus as another round of cold seems to be on its way as payton sneezed 18 times on me last night (early morning) and Mya woke with a sore throat. Probably doesn't help we just ate about 5 pies this weekend ;)
It was an intense but reflective weekend. Mostly it hit home for me yesterday during an amazing sermon on "Pre-Christmas Calibration" and the story of Mary and Martha. And now this morning my devotion (which has been getting dusty on my shelf this past week or two, I will ashamedly admit) on how to strengthen yourself in the Lord. I know the story of Mary(the sister who sits and Gods feet and is in awe of his presence blocking out all distraction) and Martha ( the "do-er" who is busy serving every one and being angry mary isn't helping) seems and old tale to most but two things hit me as this sermon had a new hit on my heart yesterday. (ps here it is if you have a few minutes to listen www.faithbaptistfellowship.com nov 25 sermon, it will probably be uploaded by tomorrow) Usually we hear it and think "ok, yes do less, stop putting so much on my "to-do" list and pray more. But the pastors point was not that. Point 1, "instead of trying to stop being like Martha to be more like Mary, start being like Mary to be able to stop being like Martha." WHOA that I had to hear more than once to understand but here's what it meant to me: I need to start putting God first, listening to Him, spending time in His word, spend time in silent prayer, then I can tackle my mile long list and if things don't seem as important they will eventually fall off the list. I (and josh) start by crossing things off our lists because we think that will give us more time and more opportunities to be with God. It's all about law and action. Case in point taking Mya out of dance because it took up too much time and money.... no, it didn't. We just found something though WE could fix instead of letting God show us how to draw near to him and showing us how we could have peace and see the love of others around us trying to help. We constantly sit down and try to cross things off our list financially. Those of you who know me well know we cancel our cable like two times a year, or try to change phone plans or try to down size our house (that was a more recent example). Now, maybe if we had a moral conviction of those things (which is another blog) then we would need to act and follow through, but WE are trying to fix something without seeking God and trusting him with what he has given us. Please don't message me that God didn't give us cable ;)
Now, what all this means to me is that I avoid the internal and jump right to the external. What can I do, how can I fix. Not, how can I seek God and come closer to understanding who I am in Him? How can I feel his presence and peace more daily and rest under his light yoke? That was point number 2. Ask yourself those questions. Who are we trying to please? impress? by our Martha get it all done be all we can be attitudes. Do we rely on others or Christs opinion of ourselves? I can tell you one thing we would have waaay less stressed society(especially at Christmas) if we took on Christ view of ourselves. Humans by nature don't want to give up sin and admit a need for a Savior. Then there can never be an adoption in Gods family and love from him the way it's deserved. People think the bible is full of too many rules but in reality Gods loving guidance for our best interest is less harsh than the expectations we put on ourselves to succeed. We take every thing to far because we are told that it's ok to make yourself happy, to bad WE always fall short and we never get the approval we need. This year I feel no joy in decorating my house for Christmas because of the stress we have been under, other than putting up our trees and stockings. When I think of a client walking through my house or someone coming over and seeing it how I usually do it, I think of the praise I would get and it makes me want to begrudgingly haul out my stuff. But I'm not going to. I'm going to do my Christmas cards because they have been so far stress free and enjoyable to do. I am going to look at my two trees, one lovingly decorated by Mya and her cousin and one that I will over primp on, and that will be enough. I am going to take Mya to her dance competitions and enjoy the heck out of watching her do what she loves and not worry about how Payton is acting or how perfect Mya's hair/makeup and dance moves are.
1 Samuel 30 talks about a group of guys including David coming home from a long journey to find there homes torched to the ground and there woman and children taken away. It says "they raised their voices and wept until they had no more strength to weep." I can't imagine the sadness and depression that would cause. Until it then turned to anger and bitterness against David and they wanted to stone him. Instead of giving up hope he prayed to God to strengthen him and for help in a decision to pursue in battle against those who had taken their families. How long do we sit in the fog of depression until we reach out to God to break the pattern. I sink into my hole, I give into my desires and bad habits and I over compensate by reaching out to others opinions of me to fill the void that my God can only satisfy. The world can give immediate, temporary fulfillment and satisfaction buy only God can give eternal security which produces fulfillment and everlasting peace that is OH so satisfying :)
May you reach out to God today for joy all decisions and in return have the most enjoyable pre-Christmas ever!!
laura
It was an intense but reflective weekend. Mostly it hit home for me yesterday during an amazing sermon on "Pre-Christmas Calibration" and the story of Mary and Martha. And now this morning my devotion (which has been getting dusty on my shelf this past week or two, I will ashamedly admit) on how to strengthen yourself in the Lord. I know the story of Mary(the sister who sits and Gods feet and is in awe of his presence blocking out all distraction) and Martha ( the "do-er" who is busy serving every one and being angry mary isn't helping) seems and old tale to most but two things hit me as this sermon had a new hit on my heart yesterday. (ps here it is if you have a few minutes to listen www.faithbaptistfellowship.com nov 25 sermon, it will probably be uploaded by tomorrow) Usually we hear it and think "ok, yes do less, stop putting so much on my "to-do" list and pray more. But the pastors point was not that. Point 1, "instead of trying to stop being like Martha to be more like Mary, start being like Mary to be able to stop being like Martha." WHOA that I had to hear more than once to understand but here's what it meant to me: I need to start putting God first, listening to Him, spending time in His word, spend time in silent prayer, then I can tackle my mile long list and if things don't seem as important they will eventually fall off the list. I (and josh) start by crossing things off our lists because we think that will give us more time and more opportunities to be with God. It's all about law and action. Case in point taking Mya out of dance because it took up too much time and money.... no, it didn't. We just found something though WE could fix instead of letting God show us how to draw near to him and showing us how we could have peace and see the love of others around us trying to help. We constantly sit down and try to cross things off our list financially. Those of you who know me well know we cancel our cable like two times a year, or try to change phone plans or try to down size our house (that was a more recent example). Now, maybe if we had a moral conviction of those things (which is another blog) then we would need to act and follow through, but WE are trying to fix something without seeking God and trusting him with what he has given us. Please don't message me that God didn't give us cable ;)
Now, what all this means to me is that I avoid the internal and jump right to the external. What can I do, how can I fix. Not, how can I seek God and come closer to understanding who I am in Him? How can I feel his presence and peace more daily and rest under his light yoke? That was point number 2. Ask yourself those questions. Who are we trying to please? impress? by our Martha get it all done be all we can be attitudes. Do we rely on others or Christs opinion of ourselves? I can tell you one thing we would have waaay less stressed society(especially at Christmas) if we took on Christ view of ourselves. Humans by nature don't want to give up sin and admit a need for a Savior. Then there can never be an adoption in Gods family and love from him the way it's deserved. People think the bible is full of too many rules but in reality Gods loving guidance for our best interest is less harsh than the expectations we put on ourselves to succeed. We take every thing to far because we are told that it's ok to make yourself happy, to bad WE always fall short and we never get the approval we need. This year I feel no joy in decorating my house for Christmas because of the stress we have been under, other than putting up our trees and stockings. When I think of a client walking through my house or someone coming over and seeing it how I usually do it, I think of the praise I would get and it makes me want to begrudgingly haul out my stuff. But I'm not going to. I'm going to do my Christmas cards because they have been so far stress free and enjoyable to do. I am going to look at my two trees, one lovingly decorated by Mya and her cousin and one that I will over primp on, and that will be enough. I am going to take Mya to her dance competitions and enjoy the heck out of watching her do what she loves and not worry about how Payton is acting or how perfect Mya's hair/makeup and dance moves are.
1 Samuel 30 talks about a group of guys including David coming home from a long journey to find there homes torched to the ground and there woman and children taken away. It says "they raised their voices and wept until they had no more strength to weep." I can't imagine the sadness and depression that would cause. Until it then turned to anger and bitterness against David and they wanted to stone him. Instead of giving up hope he prayed to God to strengthen him and for help in a decision to pursue in battle against those who had taken their families. How long do we sit in the fog of depression until we reach out to God to break the pattern. I sink into my hole, I give into my desires and bad habits and I over compensate by reaching out to others opinions of me to fill the void that my God can only satisfy. The world can give immediate, temporary fulfillment and satisfaction buy only God can give eternal security which produces fulfillment and everlasting peace that is OH so satisfying :)
May you reach out to God today for joy all decisions and in return have the most enjoyable pre-Christmas ever!!
laura
Thursday, November 1, 2012
When you try to tell yourself you not being stubborn....
Well when you convince yourself that you're being "self sufficient", "strong" or "taking a stand" against something your sick of doing....then you're like me you are just being stubborn. I have had multiple situations that have stuck out to me this week and even a conversation with some of my clients to confirm this.
One said to me that they were sore, achy and had a headache, I said, "when did you last go to the chiropractor?" they said, "ya, I just had so many doctors in my life I guess I got sick of going in and now I forget to go". Hmmm, so we have really decided to take the path of stubbornness over feeling good, parenting well, or having good relationships.
For me mine is of course health, as I JUST have found a family physician for our family. I was SURE that I was done going to the doctor and I was going to just be so darn good at keeping my family healthy and we were gonna drink so many darn green smoothies and I would make my kids lunch and it would be all organic and they would just LOVE it..... hmm. Ok so even if all that panned out like 80% life still happens and really it was just me being lazy and not having a "plan".
You see I feel like if I plan, I will fail. If I plan to have lunch money in Mya's school lunch account for backup, I will fail to make her lunch. If I plan to have a doctor on hand, I will just go in too much or think there is always something wrong with me. If I plan on having meals during the week, I will just not have time to make them and thus- feel failure. Yep, "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail" was apparently never found, placed or stuck in my brain.
Even with my children. I am so stubborn about how I feel. Like "ugh today I am so sick to the brim of telling my son 100 times to do(or not do) one thing, I am so sick of exerting so much energy! I am sick of saying-in a super sweet obnoxious voice, 'oh, no thank you payton' or 'please use kind words with your sister payton' or 'please stop spitting oranges in the vents payton'. So I'm just gonna yell and grab and demand" And I tell myself that will feel better, and for one second it does but it in no way solves the problem. When my daughter told me this morning I was and I quote, "wasting her time" as I was finding her favorite song on her ipod... whew, just thinking about it boils my blood... ok I'm good- I just literally bit my tongue and then said, "I can't believe you would talk like that to me" very stone cold complete unbelief. I knew if I yelled she would cry or pout and leave my car and go into that school without hearing me say "I love you". low and behold we pulled up and she mumbled "sorry for saying that to you" and she was still a bit pouty but it was resolve there was nothing left unsaid as we parted ways.
So I'm just blogging this because maybe there is something today you think you are doing such a good job at NOT doing because you are telling yourself you're sick of it. In reality though sometimes we have to do things over and over and over. How many times do we tell our kids, "brush your teeth" how many times do yo think our moms told us ;) How many times do we try to make healthy choices, not yell at our kids, pay the bills, do the laundry, make beds, clean, clean some more, go to the grocery store and my most favorite... be super loving and nice(or at least smile at) to my husband when I've had a stinkin' rottin' day!!! We can't just stop doing these things because we are sick of them. However, we can take a break. We can ask God to give us a new perspective and we can put away our stubborn behavior (our 2yr old behavior!) and do what is right because we know in the end it will go better.
Lately I have been asking God to help me see my children as God see's them, like on the spot right in a heated moment. It makes me calm down and take the personalization away from how attacked I feel as a mom/person.
So here's to taking the shorter route to a happy day!! And if you aren't having one go get a starbucks turn on a movie for the kids and pick up a pizza for super, there is always another day to be supermom/wife/friend....etc.
laura
One said to me that they were sore, achy and had a headache, I said, "when did you last go to the chiropractor?" they said, "ya, I just had so many doctors in my life I guess I got sick of going in and now I forget to go". Hmmm, so we have really decided to take the path of stubbornness over feeling good, parenting well, or having good relationships.
For me mine is of course health, as I JUST have found a family physician for our family. I was SURE that I was done going to the doctor and I was going to just be so darn good at keeping my family healthy and we were gonna drink so many darn green smoothies and I would make my kids lunch and it would be all organic and they would just LOVE it..... hmm. Ok so even if all that panned out like 80% life still happens and really it was just me being lazy and not having a "plan".
You see I feel like if I plan, I will fail. If I plan to have lunch money in Mya's school lunch account for backup, I will fail to make her lunch. If I plan to have a doctor on hand, I will just go in too much or think there is always something wrong with me. If I plan on having meals during the week, I will just not have time to make them and thus- feel failure. Yep, "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail" was apparently never found, placed or stuck in my brain.
Even with my children. I am so stubborn about how I feel. Like "ugh today I am so sick to the brim of telling my son 100 times to do(or not do) one thing, I am so sick of exerting so much energy! I am sick of saying-in a super sweet obnoxious voice, 'oh, no thank you payton' or 'please use kind words with your sister payton' or 'please stop spitting oranges in the vents payton'. So I'm just gonna yell and grab and demand" And I tell myself that will feel better, and for one second it does but it in no way solves the problem. When my daughter told me this morning I was and I quote, "wasting her time" as I was finding her favorite song on her ipod... whew, just thinking about it boils my blood... ok I'm good- I just literally bit my tongue and then said, "I can't believe you would talk like that to me" very stone cold complete unbelief. I knew if I yelled she would cry or pout and leave my car and go into that school without hearing me say "I love you". low and behold we pulled up and she mumbled "sorry for saying that to you" and she was still a bit pouty but it was resolve there was nothing left unsaid as we parted ways.
So I'm just blogging this because maybe there is something today you think you are doing such a good job at NOT doing because you are telling yourself you're sick of it. In reality though sometimes we have to do things over and over and over. How many times do we tell our kids, "brush your teeth" how many times do yo think our moms told us ;) How many times do we try to make healthy choices, not yell at our kids, pay the bills, do the laundry, make beds, clean, clean some more, go to the grocery store and my most favorite... be super loving and nice(or at least smile at) to my husband when I've had a stinkin' rottin' day!!! We can't just stop doing these things because we are sick of them. However, we can take a break. We can ask God to give us a new perspective and we can put away our stubborn behavior (our 2yr old behavior!) and do what is right because we know in the end it will go better.
Lately I have been asking God to help me see my children as God see's them, like on the spot right in a heated moment. It makes me calm down and take the personalization away from how attacked I feel as a mom/person.
So here's to taking the shorter route to a happy day!! And if you aren't having one go get a starbucks turn on a movie for the kids and pick up a pizza for super, there is always another day to be supermom/wife/friend....etc.
laura
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
through the mouths of babes
So after having an emotional couple of days deciding if we made the right decision or not pulling her out of dance, I got a phone call from God. Oh, ok it was not him but it felt like it. What he was trying to tell me is to get over my fears and live in this world while I'm here. To be a beackon not a hermit and let my family live there own lives and make there own mistakes. It was him telling me that what I didn't or couldn't see was that we have a whole community of dance team family who is willing to help us out however we need so that Mya can do what she loves. She has worked hard this year and deserves to finish it out. The fact that she was so mature and tried to hold in her emotions because she thought she needed to makes me proud and sad. I am going to have to be careful with this precious girls emotions, she is a people "pleaser"- oh Lord!, here is payback from my life.
So, we are back on the dance train. I am so thankful for everyone's kind words and understanding, no matter what. I am on my knees thankful for times when God gently corrects our mistakes. Sure, one day we will all look back on things we did wrong or wish we could have changed. But sometimes we are allowed a second chance if we can listen and let go.
Some of you may know that almost all my test came back negative. Most important was no crohn's or cancer in the bloodwork markers. I do have an ulcer (hmm self induced I'm sure) and some inflammation I am going to talk to my doc on what to do next. Bottom line is I need to take better care of myself. I am checking into the SCD (Specific Carb Diet) if anyone has heard of it I'd love feedback. It's not for loosing weight but healing stomachs/ intestines. I know I need to do something but for some reason jumping off this cliff seems horribly hard. I was hoping for a test that shoved me into it. Yet, I am grateful for these super "growing" moments (that was meant to be read with sarcasm).
Well that's it for my late night blog rant. Just wanted to update you on life and how it can change from day to day ;) It's good, it all really is. God is good if we could just open our pitiful eyes and see what is around us and stop peeking at the greener grass on the other side. God isn't good "if only" a,b,c, and d change, he's good NOW. amen and good night.
laura
Monday, October 22, 2012
Letting Go
I was under the assumption that when I made bold Godly moves in my life that it would be extremely easy and I would have this overwhelming peace and comfort in my heart. I don't know where I picked up that assumption as it has never proven true, but I experienced nothing of the sort when making a "parental" decision this last week.
Yes, sometimes as parents we have to do what's right for our family and be real live grown-ups. So, I thought that that meant it was hard on the kids, not hard on us.... After all this trauma with me being sick so much lately and us having NO margin for error in our schedule we realized something. We where drifting apart as a family. Every moment was, "where are you going? who are you taking? are you picking up...?", or "no we can't come we have (fill in the blank)". We would have a saturday to do "nothing" and I kid you not it was the worst day ever. You would think we would be relieved to have a day off but instead we were seemingly bored. We were tense and anxiety filled, trying to absorb all the "rest" we could but never feeling it. We didn't feel any peace what-so-ever knowing that this was possibly the only calm that we had scheduled for quite some time. So I turned to my husband and said, "why don't we know how to hang out with each other?", and he replied "I don't know but we need to change it" You see we are sinking further and further into to this world and driving further away from the blessings of what God promises a family to be. "Gifts" are supposed to be how we see our children, not burdens. "Lovers and friends" are supposed to be our spouses, not ankle weights or annoyances.
Our daughter is getting older and older, sassier and sassier. She is filling all her "off" time as far away from home as possible, I don't think knowingly so but this is where she is seeking her joy. She is 6. When I was 6 I played house with my sister, played with my barbies in my basement playhouse or maybe had a neighbor over. The thought of a sleepover, weekend sporting event, or not stepping in my own house until 7pm was non existent.
So out of the blue, literally I can not even remember how this came up, we started to talk about how our year looked for her being involved in an extra curicular events. Meaning practices and competitions. Either all of us would be busy or just Mya and I away from home. We have 2 hours of practice each week and 20 min of practice each day after school or after I get off work to help her get set up to practice, sometimes this is at 7pm. This is us saying no to family get togethers or spontaneous events. This means me, the mom, being very overwhelmed by one more job in this house. As I said before we have no room for error. This means, Josh works. We don't know what hours we don't know how many hours we don't know where he'll be, but for right now in this season, its often and exhausting. I get sick, often. For right now we are trying to find out why we are trying to find out how to fix it but in the end, it happens and when it does there is no one to pick up my slack.
So the thought of removing something out of our daughters life that she (and I) love literally made me (and still does somewhat) nauseous. We talked and fought and talked some more. I get it. I get we HAVE to remove it. That doesn't change that Josh and I both tossed and turned and couldn't sleep that night knowing we had to tell her in the morning.
And as we sat at the breakfast table and our daughter silently sat, tears running down her face, I knew that being a grown up sucked. Making rational, parental, yet Godly decisions is not easy, comfortable or peaceful. She wouldn't say anything. We encouraged her to talk, she wouldn't. Then after josh left I had her sit on my lap and we both cried (me internally) and then we talked about how that night since she didn't have practice we could pick a recipe from her cook book and make something. She smiled. I knew then that even though our hearts ached that this would be a blessed decision. I want you to know though I kept holding on, I kept trying to make excuses, trying to fix it so she could still be part of her team. I had this overwhelming thought in mind that it was my fault and I was letting everyone down. The teacher, the other parents, my daughter. Just in general, why couldn't I manage this ONE thing!!! When I talked to josh it was like trying to convince him I could handle it. And then he hit home. "Laura, we can keep her on team. It's up to you. I want you to know though that YOU are putting this on yourself. I can not help you right now with this and this is more stress you are putting on yourself. If you get sick, you can not get angry that our family falls apart because we have too much going on. We can make it work financially we can probably make it work time wise, but we will be stretched to the max." UGH, yes I get it "God speaking through my husband". Does God ever say to you, "child, I am trying to remove something from you, even though it hurts, it will be better once it is gone and the wound is healed, let Me help you." and we just hold on. We think we can do it, we think we are superhuman. Know I know this may sound like rubbish to some, like "what's the big deal she's 6 she'll move on." But I think you can see that we all have things in our lives more difficult due to other circumstances.
Watching my daughter dance is the most beautiful thing to me, or so I thought. Last night she was practicing her bible verse for church and after she read it we prayed it back to God as her prayer. Her face lit up and she was said, "this is so cool mom! I'm going to keep reading it after you leave!" and "mom I had the best time practicing for the Christmas concert today! I think I want to try a solo this year!" Which by this way she couldn't have done before because we would have missed to many practices. I don't even know why for some reason that verse and prayer hit her heart but it connected her in her own way to God instead of through me. I left her room knowing that this decision, this trial( not just removing her from dance) we are getting through is making us all stronger. I need to put in perspective the things in life not just for her sake but mine. There will be many many more events for our children. I will be proud of them more times than I can even imagine. I can't ruin God's plan for them but I can make it quieter for them to hear. Maybe through my sickness and all this cRaZy right now He is doing a work in her. Who am I to get in the way of that. wow, way to make something about me that's not about me :)
It's amazing to me how as parents we take things on put our kids through things that we are trying to heal or battle through ourselves. We discipline them for attitudes that we see in ourselves. We watch them achieve and live vicariously through them. I really want this year of painful growth to mean something for our family. I really want to pay attention to what God is saying.... ok PS I JUST got a call from the nurse that the doctor is going to call me later today with results from all my test last week. sigh** ok here we go......I should also mention that the forementioned teacher and parents where extremely supportive and encouraged us to put family first. Proof that satan's attack on my ego and pride was outed by God's love and grace being poured on to this family.
thanks for making it through this huge blog today, Laura
Yes, sometimes as parents we have to do what's right for our family and be real live grown-ups. So, I thought that that meant it was hard on the kids, not hard on us.... After all this trauma with me being sick so much lately and us having NO margin for error in our schedule we realized something. We where drifting apart as a family. Every moment was, "where are you going? who are you taking? are you picking up...?", or "no we can't come we have (fill in the blank)". We would have a saturday to do "nothing" and I kid you not it was the worst day ever. You would think we would be relieved to have a day off but instead we were seemingly bored. We were tense and anxiety filled, trying to absorb all the "rest" we could but never feeling it. We didn't feel any peace what-so-ever knowing that this was possibly the only calm that we had scheduled for quite some time. So I turned to my husband and said, "why don't we know how to hang out with each other?", and he replied "I don't know but we need to change it" You see we are sinking further and further into to this world and driving further away from the blessings of what God promises a family to be. "Gifts" are supposed to be how we see our children, not burdens. "Lovers and friends" are supposed to be our spouses, not ankle weights or annoyances.
Our daughter is getting older and older, sassier and sassier. She is filling all her "off" time as far away from home as possible, I don't think knowingly so but this is where she is seeking her joy. She is 6. When I was 6 I played house with my sister, played with my barbies in my basement playhouse or maybe had a neighbor over. The thought of a sleepover, weekend sporting event, or not stepping in my own house until 7pm was non existent.
So out of the blue, literally I can not even remember how this came up, we started to talk about how our year looked for her being involved in an extra curicular events. Meaning practices and competitions. Either all of us would be busy or just Mya and I away from home. We have 2 hours of practice each week and 20 min of practice each day after school or after I get off work to help her get set up to practice, sometimes this is at 7pm. This is us saying no to family get togethers or spontaneous events. This means me, the mom, being very overwhelmed by one more job in this house. As I said before we have no room for error. This means, Josh works. We don't know what hours we don't know how many hours we don't know where he'll be, but for right now in this season, its often and exhausting. I get sick, often. For right now we are trying to find out why we are trying to find out how to fix it but in the end, it happens and when it does there is no one to pick up my slack.
So the thought of removing something out of our daughters life that she (and I) love literally made me (and still does somewhat) nauseous. We talked and fought and talked some more. I get it. I get we HAVE to remove it. That doesn't change that Josh and I both tossed and turned and couldn't sleep that night knowing we had to tell her in the morning.
And as we sat at the breakfast table and our daughter silently sat, tears running down her face, I knew that being a grown up sucked. Making rational, parental, yet Godly decisions is not easy, comfortable or peaceful. She wouldn't say anything. We encouraged her to talk, she wouldn't. Then after josh left I had her sit on my lap and we both cried (me internally) and then we talked about how that night since she didn't have practice we could pick a recipe from her cook book and make something. She smiled. I knew then that even though our hearts ached that this would be a blessed decision. I want you to know though I kept holding on, I kept trying to make excuses, trying to fix it so she could still be part of her team. I had this overwhelming thought in mind that it was my fault and I was letting everyone down. The teacher, the other parents, my daughter. Just in general, why couldn't I manage this ONE thing!!! When I talked to josh it was like trying to convince him I could handle it. And then he hit home. "Laura, we can keep her on team. It's up to you. I want you to know though that YOU are putting this on yourself. I can not help you right now with this and this is more stress you are putting on yourself. If you get sick, you can not get angry that our family falls apart because we have too much going on. We can make it work financially we can probably make it work time wise, but we will be stretched to the max." UGH, yes I get it "God speaking through my husband". Does God ever say to you, "child, I am trying to remove something from you, even though it hurts, it will be better once it is gone and the wound is healed, let Me help you." and we just hold on. We think we can do it, we think we are superhuman. Know I know this may sound like rubbish to some, like "what's the big deal she's 6 she'll move on." But I think you can see that we all have things in our lives more difficult due to other circumstances.
Watching my daughter dance is the most beautiful thing to me, or so I thought. Last night she was practicing her bible verse for church and after she read it we prayed it back to God as her prayer. Her face lit up and she was said, "this is so cool mom! I'm going to keep reading it after you leave!" and "mom I had the best time practicing for the Christmas concert today! I think I want to try a solo this year!" Which by this way she couldn't have done before because we would have missed to many practices. I don't even know why for some reason that verse and prayer hit her heart but it connected her in her own way to God instead of through me. I left her room knowing that this decision, this trial( not just removing her from dance) we are getting through is making us all stronger. I need to put in perspective the things in life not just for her sake but mine. There will be many many more events for our children. I will be proud of them more times than I can even imagine. I can't ruin God's plan for them but I can make it quieter for them to hear. Maybe through my sickness and all this cRaZy right now He is doing a work in her. Who am I to get in the way of that. wow, way to make something about me that's not about me :)
It's amazing to me how as parents we take things on put our kids through things that we are trying to heal or battle through ourselves. We discipline them for attitudes that we see in ourselves. We watch them achieve and live vicariously through them. I really want this year of painful growth to mean something for our family. I really want to pay attention to what God is saying.... ok PS I JUST got a call from the nurse that the doctor is going to call me later today with results from all my test last week. sigh** ok here we go......I should also mention that the forementioned teacher and parents where extremely supportive and encouraged us to put family first. Proof that satan's attack on my ego and pride was outed by God's love and grace being poured on to this family.
thanks for making it through this huge blog today, Laura
Monday, October 15, 2012
20 min blog/prayer request
Well we will see if it's possible to do a 20 min blog post :-/ I kinda doubt it. I need to share that I am a little nervous as I have a GI (gastrointestinal) appointment tomorrow. Last week I had a doctors appointment and we checked iron levels, hemoglobin and for Celiac's disease. Everything was normal and I will humbly say I was more than relieved to find I do not have Celiac's. I know many who do and respect the effort they have to put into there diet. I fear though that something in that court is on it's way to the Hejl household. I have had the worst "feeling" year since all my surgeries and such. I have had way to many outbreaks of flu like symptoms and episodes that really hasn't cleared up for a month. I am not sleeping, eating or living well at the moment. It is a struggle to look online and hear from friends about ways of eating that MAY help my situation. For example I found I may be intolerant to yeast, egg yolks, nuts, and possibly meat. Well, I decided to take on the yeast removal and I really haven't felt more horrible and with no energy to top it off. My point being is I could literally take a year of my life trying all these things or I could just go see the doc and possibly get some answers. My husband and I both feel we need to put all other things aside until this is figured out because we just can't live not knowing if I will be laid up for days or weeks at a time. It makes are already stressed season in life that much more exhausting.
Yesterday in my Sunday school class our teacher, my handsome husband, gave us a verse he was praying for us all during the week. Part of it stuck out to me and that's 2 Corinthians 12:9 "...'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." So my friends I am boasting all my weaknesses to you in this moment! I so badly need the power of Christ in this moment. I know, I trust, I depend on the fact that this is God renew his steadfast love within me. This is God ridding me of part of a strong hold I have carried with me for the majority of my life. I say part of because the "thorn" that is my cut up, duct taped body is not going to be renewed physically this side of heaven. I will always have to deal with it. But the burden it puts on my eating, the financial burden of continually searching and the stress it puts on our marriage, these are things I believe God is going to rid us of. He has given me more resources for things I know what to do with right now and I have to trust that after tomorrow or after they do more testing I will know what to do with all these things. I have to stop putting this off. I am at my end, I am on my knees. What an amazing place to be as God has shown me my excuses are gone. My distance from Him is too far and it's time for Him to pull my back into His care and not my own.
My weakness of dealing with being an adoptive mom, having a business, having a husband who has a business, and so many insecurities are all things that you can look forward to me fighting to work through. Right now though, my health and our families future health I believe is depending on this next week or so. My dad says this year is going to be better, he says that every year. God bless him he's right. Not because each year I make more money, or because I have figured out how to parent, I have rid myself of guilt or we managed to have perfect 9-5 jobs with cheap daycare ;) It's a better year each year because our issues our stresses get more refined they get so hot that we forced to deal with them so God can use us more and more. He can't used sick Laura on the couch, taking pain pills, shaking from dehydration. With my mind only able to handle TV. He can't use Laura ridden with guilt about what and how she's raising her children and how she's failing to nurture and put her family first. And so my friends God is going to fix this, maybe not in a way the human eye can see or ever figure out, but I can tell you one thing, my heart will feel it. My joy WILL return.
God bless you,
laura
Yesterday in my Sunday school class our teacher, my handsome husband, gave us a verse he was praying for us all during the week. Part of it stuck out to me and that's 2 Corinthians 12:9 "...'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." So my friends I am boasting all my weaknesses to you in this moment! I so badly need the power of Christ in this moment. I know, I trust, I depend on the fact that this is God renew his steadfast love within me. This is God ridding me of part of a strong hold I have carried with me for the majority of my life. I say part of because the "thorn" that is my cut up, duct taped body is not going to be renewed physically this side of heaven. I will always have to deal with it. But the burden it puts on my eating, the financial burden of continually searching and the stress it puts on our marriage, these are things I believe God is going to rid us of. He has given me more resources for things I know what to do with right now and I have to trust that after tomorrow or after they do more testing I will know what to do with all these things. I have to stop putting this off. I am at my end, I am on my knees. What an amazing place to be as God has shown me my excuses are gone. My distance from Him is too far and it's time for Him to pull my back into His care and not my own.
My weakness of dealing with being an adoptive mom, having a business, having a husband who has a business, and so many insecurities are all things that you can look forward to me fighting to work through. Right now though, my health and our families future health I believe is depending on this next week or so. My dad says this year is going to be better, he says that every year. God bless him he's right. Not because each year I make more money, or because I have figured out how to parent, I have rid myself of guilt or we managed to have perfect 9-5 jobs with cheap daycare ;) It's a better year each year because our issues our stresses get more refined they get so hot that we forced to deal with them so God can use us more and more. He can't used sick Laura on the couch, taking pain pills, shaking from dehydration. With my mind only able to handle TV. He can't use Laura ridden with guilt about what and how she's raising her children and how she's failing to nurture and put her family first. And so my friends God is going to fix this, maybe not in a way the human eye can see or ever figure out, but I can tell you one thing, my heart will feel it. My joy WILL return.
God bless you,
laura
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