Ya, I'm finally a grown-up!!!

http://new.music.yahoo.com/natalie-grant/albums/awaken--17881789 I think you need to listen to this song today, I did.  
Well we are kind of in the middle of storms right now and I feel I have a lot to catch up on.   Josh just got back from his Mexico missions trip.  They were building a home in for a family who was living in a pop-up camper, I think there are 8 in the family!?! I tented for four days with my 4 member family and wanted to put up the surrender flag so I can't wrap my mind around this scenario.  Also the house they built them was 12x30.  Not a common size for us over needy Americans.  A tearful new home owner was assurance that this was just what they needed- all they needed.  My husband rocks. This was way out of his comfort zone, flying (he doesn't enjoy) being in a different country, being around and working with mostly Spanish speaking people(he is NOT bilingual and would attest to that), and away from his kiddos for 7 days.  Gods moves when we let him carry us beyond what WE can handle alone.
So, back home we had the luxury of grandma helping out, watching kids, picking up kids while I was at work and of course doing my laundry way better than I could ever imagine doing it.  I don't know why that is(that she has such a great laundry skill) but I sure do appreciate it.  But for some reason even with all that help, without my other half here to take on part of the discipline, "daddy time", and just not having my partner to talk to at night: it was a long week.  I still for almost a month now have been feeling very tired, achy and sore.  In fact physically I was feeling probably the worst I have in awhile.  Every time I would eat I feel shaky and my heart speeds up and I just would never quite get the energy I needed for my day.  I have since figured out (well I probably knew this in the back of my mind) that our family has slowly deterred from our mostly organic mostly non sugar lifestyle and we are all feeling the effects.  My body just can't handle all the processed mostly grain diet I take on when I'm in a hurry.  And rightfully so that's not how we are created.  I sometimes I wonder how many horrible things I would do to my body if I had all my normal organs.  The "nice" thing is that I feel and see the effects so much sooner bc my body has less time and energy to recover and heal so when I'm eating the wrong things it uses all its energy to break down that food and doesn't have anything left to just make me get through my day.  Life is busy and I'm having a hard time squeezing in more "planning and preparing time".  Especially when kids don't sleep/ I don't sleep after a 12 hour day and it's hard to make my tired achy body get out of bed early in the am.
Now ENOUGH complaining and moaning!!! Because I just told you how physically I felt here is how I feel spiritually.... A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. I mean we were singing in church and they were reading out of Isiah and at the end I just wanted to shout " amen!" and clap- it was kinda weird like my heart was exploding for love of Jesus.
It's like I finally feel like a grown up.  Being pro-active in what I read and listen to, to encourage me in this time. How I pray for everything and how I am finally realizing how I can encourage my family through prayers for them and then just wait for God's timing.  While Josh was gone I kept having these moments of recognizing God's grace in my life.  We are in a bible study right now in Song of Solomon, the racy book of the bible :) http://marshill.com/search/results?q=song+of+solomon  So we God's in his perfect timing has us working on things in our marriage that haven't been addressed or forgotten about in 10+ years right when we need it the most, and I feel it.  God has shown me things in my own life that I believe 10-20 years from now if not addressed could make me a very scared and bitter women.  I finally recognize my looks, what I do what I say, the only person I am impressing and need to live to a standard first and foremost is God and secondly the man He gave me.  A man who constantly tells me how amazing and beautiful I am ( I just never seem to think its enough) my husband.  WOW, what a load off!! Being married doesn't mean you "give up" on yourself.  It means you always have a cheerleader.  Someone who's "standard" of beauty is ME!! :) And for that I praise God.   On that note I think of where we were in our marriage the first 5 years and think of how God has delivered my husband, first into His arms recognizing his need for  Jesus to cover his sins and for salvation, and then to continually be growing him in His word.  All the way to him going on a mission trip, are you kidding me?!?!? God is so good.  I think of where we would both be if we didn't have forgiveness, if we didn't have grace, and eternally if we didn't have Christ.  This should never be a passing thought in my mind, this should be the reason I get out of bed.  No matter how bad I feel, God is giving me things to change, to renew.  No matter how bad this world gets HE HAS OVERCOME THIS WORLD.
So as the next month comes and Josh will now be working 2 hours out of town for 4-5 weeks only home on weekends, I know we can make it work with Gods' help.  No, seriously like crying out to Him and taking deep breaths kinda help :)  We sat down and figured out our "take charge eat better" food situation (this was no small task) we are going to keep going with our Peasant Princess study even though he will miss the small group meetings, and we WILL be stronger from this in the end.
You know, I just have to think in survival mode right now.  If I think about what is left of my body that is God's amazing glory I am even alive.  And I just think He's not done with me yet.  I have these 2 beautiful children to teach and to love and to share and live the gospel out to.  Dang it I'm just not giving up.

No change required

Good morning!! I wasn't going to post this morning but I had a cancellation in my day and thought that it has been so long since I have felt up to blogging I should give it a try.  Aaaand I had an divine revelation this morning :) So what if you filled in the blank of this question..... If I only had____I'd be secure in myself. or If only I looked like____I'd be secure in myself.  Hmmmm there are so many but what Im realizing and being taught is how much power I put in other peoples opinions, ideas, or suggestions of me or what I'm doing when that is rightfully only God's job.  I had a two hour talk with my husband last night only to find out he supports everything I am doing and we are on the same page about work, finances, daycare... but I refuse to believe that I could be doing something right.  I have this doubt built in that repeats in my head that I could be doing better or maybe I should do things differently, like "so and so" does it.  You have to remember I talk to a lot of women during the week at my job and everyone is doing things a little differently- to me, that means I must be doing it wrong.
Now, here's how I would finish that fill in the blank.  Initially I think that I fill it in with some sort of body image issue, weight muscle ratio etc.  but here's what I think back on in my old age ;) When I look back to times in my life when I was most "fit" was I happy? like wake up every day rejoice in the reflection in the mirror happy? no.  I was happy when I started the process and people saw me and said how great I was looking or when I wore a new pair of jeans a size smaller and someone commented.  Basically, I'm happy when I'm the center of attention.  there. i said it.  I'm happy when people compliment me at my job, i'm happy when people admire my children, I'm happy mostly when people admire my achievements 
Two things are wrong with these feelings (well more than that but here's the two for today).  First, my loving amazing friends and family compliment me ALL the time, mostly my husband.  But do I hear/accept it? no.  I only hear it when I think I deserve it.  Right now the way I feel, if someone complimented how I look I just assume its because of my outfit bc whats underneath is horrendous.  If someone compliments Mya's hair, or how great my kids are- that's nice but truth is there are exhausting me right now so I don't feel worthy of hearing those things.  So basically I am always assuming the worst of everything said.  WRONG-O
Second, I just realized (and praise God I am realizing these things now in my life and while my kids are young) that I am assuming that the way I feel fulfilled is how Mya will feel filled.  If people compliment her on her hair, if people think she's athletic if she has many friends and is well known THEN she won't have insecurities.  I am using her to fulfill my own needs or the things I feel I missed out on.  I always wished I was more involved in school with activities, I wish I was good and something people would recognize me for.  AAGGHH this stuff is so wrong, how do people not just realize this and want to talk about it?!?!  I just have so much to work on.  I just am praising God so much today and last thinking how His grace abundant to cover all these things in my life.  That He would reveal these things to my in my prayer time and through my husband my leader.  That at the YOUNG age of 31 I could give these things to Him and leave a "lighter burdened" life.  When I look at what He expects from me it is so refreshing and always filling, why do I choose to look at what anyone else would expect of me???
 I have a long way to go in these things but am glad to be writing them down.  Insecurity can be a killer.  Its not just me I know that everyone has something so I least I don't feel crazy any more.  I would much rather know I am broken because I know the most amazing Healer. I have a savior who covers all my insecurities with His sons blood and sees me as His perfect daughter.  No change required.

ps. i am going through beth moore's "so long insecurity" study which is online to listen to her read her book at http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/living-proof-with-beth-moore/listen/
also I am doing "long story short" by Marty Machowski with mya in the morning its a ten min devotional, and love to see her filled and ask questions about Jesus and how we can't ever live up to perfection, we need someone who is perfect to save us....we need Jesus.

In love with Christ- Laura

oh man I just closed this post and then looked at my open bible here is what verse was there 1 John 2:16-17
"For everything in the world- the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does- comes not from the Father but from the world.  The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever."  (emphasis mine)